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#1905410 07/07/07 03:07 PM
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Good day

I have being married for 26 years. I love my wife and if I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t change a thing. Unfortunately we have a problem in regards to sex (the lack of it). Over the last 5 years I would say that time in the bedroom has diminished to not more than twice a month. My wife says she is not interested in sex as much as I am. I find myself amusing myself on average of about 5 times a week. We have had several arguments about her lack of interest in sex and not wanting to help me relive myself. Does anyone out there have a problem like this if so what have you done for a compromise? I don’t want to go anywhere else. Am I selfish in asking her for 10 minutes of her time now and again or should I just forget it and continue with man’s best past time masturbation.

Thanks

Chris

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I certainly have a problem with this. On the emotional needs survey, I ranked sex as m #1 need, and the wife ranked it as her #10.

Wish I could help with this, but Im just as puzzled as you are.

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We have had several arguments about her lack of interest in sex and not wanting to help me relive myself.

Am I selfish in asking her for 10 minutes of her time now and again or should I just forget it and continue with man’s best past time masturbation.

I think you've pretty much outlined a big part of your problem. The way you describe sex with your wife it really isn't about you and her engaging in something pleasurable together but rather about you reliving yourself. You've also pretty much guaranteed her lack of enjoyment in the act by maintaining that you'll only take ten minutes of her time.

I think the majority of married couples in the world experience something akin to what you are experiencing. Generally speaking men have a much higher sex drive than women. Given that reality sex can easily become a source of contention between spouses. Fortunately Dr.Harley has written about this question extensively and you can find most of that in this web site. I personally think Dr.Harley is right on the money with his philosophy so I highly recommend you take the time to read his stuff. Basically you want your wife to do something for you that she isn't as interested in as you. As long as you make it a point to do the kind of things that she really likes on a regular basis, even if it's stuff you don't want to do, you'll find your wife much more agreeable when it comes time for your interests. Dr.Harley goes into detail about this and does a pretty good job of quantifing this into something you can actually monitor and track. I found his book "His Needs, Her Needs" to be very helpful in understanding this dynamic in a marriage.

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Unfortunately we have a problem in regards to sex (the lack of it). Over the last 5 years I would say that time in the bedroom has diminished to not more than twice a month. My wife says she is not interested in sex as much as I am.


Welcome to MB, Chris. Wish it could have been under better circumstances.

Look, in any kind of a relationship, be it employer-employee, vendor-customer, husband-wife, parties do things for each other. They do things for the other party not because it makes them feel good, but because it fulfills the needs of the other party.

It is perfectly OK that you have certain needs which she is not too comfortable fulfilling. You are different individuals, so it is perfectly natural that you have different needs. It is perfectly OK for her not to be comfortable fulfilling those needs for her sake. She does not have to understand, nor even agree with, your need for sex. However, just because she does not feel like fulfilling does not mean that she should not fulfill it.

Your W should fulfill your needs not because she feels like doing I, but because it is your need that she should fulfill. If it makes you happy, than she should do it. Yes, it is a chore for her. So what?

She needs to come up with a better explanation then that she does not feel like it. As an employee, sometimes I don’t feel like going to work. Sometimes I don’t feel like paying my vendors. Sometimes I don’t feel like doing what my clients ask me to do. Sometimes I don’t feel like helping my buddy move his apartment. But you know what? I do it, because that’s the part of being in a relationship. Doing things for other people or parties that you don’t always feel like doing.

Her job in a spousal relation is to fulfill your needs, and your job is to fulfill her needs. What’s so tough about that concept?


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We have had several arguments about her lack of interest in sex and not wanting to help me relive myself.

Am I selfish in asking her for 10 minutes of her time now and again or should I just forget it and continue with man’s best past time masturbation.

I think you've pretty much outlined a big part of your problem. The way you describe sex with your wife it really isn't about you and her engaging in something pleasurable together but rather about you reliving yourself. You've also pretty much guaranteed her lack of enjoyment in the act by maintaining that you'll only take ten minutes of her time.

Broom, I understand that you view his posting as pretty offensive, but I think that you misunderstood his posting.

By this posting he does not say: "I want my wife to be ready to pleasure me for ten minutes, to heck with her pleasure."

By this posting he means to say: "I want to make love to my wife for an hour. But I am very saddened to acknowledge that she has very little interest in sex. I want it so bad, that in order not to impinge on her valuable time, I am willing to cut it back to 20 minutes. Heck, I want it so bad, that I'll promise to be keep it even shorter, something like 10 minutes. Yes, I'd love to have sex with her for hours on end, but I am at the point where I'd be happy even with 10 minutes ad with minimal participation on her part."


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Broom, I understand that you view his posting as pretty offensive, but I think that you misunderstood his posting.

I don't find his post offensive, rather I just think that his attitude regarding sex is adding to his frustration. To be honest I don't see your point of view to be much better. Certainly Dr. Harley's philosophy is founded on the notion of reciprocity, but taking the stance that sex is solely an obligation your spouse must meet won't improve his situation. Dr. Harley's notion is that a truly happy spouse who's needs are being met within the relationship will be happy to meet their partner's needs. But this sense of reciprocity doesn't rest on marital obligation, but rather on the fact that their needs are being met.

It is possible that the original poster is meeting all of his wife's needs and she refuses to met his need for sex, but my impression is that his wife's needs aren't being fully met and that is the reason for her lack of willing reciprocity. It seems to me that identifying each others needs, eliminating love busters, and meeting those needs would be the best way to go about rectifying this situation.

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Your wife could be me. I no longer have sex with my husband. He is completely unwilling to even try and fulfill my #1 emotional need, conversation. He feels like a complete stranger to me and I can't have sex with a stranger. My guess is that your wife's #1 emotional need is not being met.

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It is possible that the original poster is meeting all of his wife's needs and she refuses to met his need for sex, but my impression is that his wife's needs aren't being fully met and that is the reason for her lack of willing reciprocity.

Maybe. I don't know. I didn't get that impression.

I hope that Chris comes back and sheds light on this problem some.


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Am I selfish in asking her for 10 minutes of her time now and again or should I just forget it and continue with man’s best past time masturbation.
___________-

if she does not have an issue w/ you masturbating I'd stick w/ that........because asking for 10 minutes of her time so you can relieve yourself sounds pretty nasty and unsexy and will probably just build resentment for her.

or maybe you could work something else out.....some way that she can be enthusiastic about a quickie or hand job.

i am curious... why would you even want her help "relieving yourself" if she is not interested?


is there any chance that your attitude toward sex is what turns her off....the fact that it seems to more about reliving yourself than a mutually satisfying encounter?
that would turn me off.

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Sex provided as an obligation or a chore is not very satisfying anyway, and ends up building up resentment on both sides. It may sound like it is better than nothing, but in my experience, it really isn't.

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Sex provided as an obligation or a chore is not very satisfying anyway, and ends up building up resentment on both sides. It may sound like it is better than nothing, but in my experience, it really isn't

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i agree.

but, sex as a favor can be a little different...i can enthusiastically provide my H w/ a quickie or some form of sex and be quite happy about it even if i am not interested in sex/orgasm for myself at the moment......but, for this to happen our relationship needs to be in a good place..... i need to know that he respects and appreciates me.......and that he CAN control himself and doesn't NEED to releive himself everytime he feels an urge.

that's a real turn off.

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but, sex as a favor can be a little different...i can enthusiastically provide my H w/ a quickie or some form of sex and be quite happy about it even if i am not interested in sex/orgasm for myself at the moment......but, for this to happen our relationship needs to be in a good place..... i need to know that he respects and appreciates me.......and that he CAN control himself and doesn't NEED to releive himself everytime he feels an urge.

that's a real turn off.

I agree!


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I'm currently in a situation myself with somewhat of a sexless/loveless (at least on one side) marriage.

Inasmuch as the male part of me wouldn't mind "favor sex" or "pity sex" or any other type of non-emotionally involved sex, my "female side" doesn't really like the idea.

My wife and I are currently having issues with her not being "in love" with me anymore. I had told her not to say or do anything that she didn't mean. I don't want her to say or do something just to "be nice" to me. This includes saying "I love you", sex or intimacy of any kind. As much as it hurts not to hear the words or receive the intimacy, I would rather know they're genuine than fake.

When I read the first post where "twice a month" was mentioned, I thought "I wish". I'd LOVE 2-3 times a week. But, becuase my drive is so much higher than hers and her willingness, I feel like I need to relieve myself sometimes. I realize that women can't just "turn it on/off" like a man can, but It's tough to suffer though urges and passing desires without release.

There are so many times I've gone to sleep disappointed at night because I was "promised" sex and didn't get it. "Promised" defined as, her mentioning the possibility at some point during the day. For a man, that creates anticipation and we see it at the same level as a "promise" and become very disappointed, rejected and hurt when it's not followed through. I know I personally would end up feeling like she doesn't care or doesn't find me attractive.

Heck, literally Sunday night it happened to me. Even though my wife currently isn't "in love" with me, she had mentioned at the dinner table about possibly having sex that night. I had asked her whether she'd mean it and was able to get from her that it would be "appreciation sex" for everything that I've been doing and helping out with that I hadn't before. Well, I guess I hadn't learned from experience, but the anticipation made it feel like a promise to me and that night I went to sleep disappointed, rejected and hurt once again. Even though we're working on things, it seems like very little is changing sometimes.

I'm sorry if I hijacked this thread, I just wanted to add my experience. I'm finding out that low sex drive in women is very common and it's not high on women's EN list. Heck, my wife rates playing ping pong and a few other things higher than sex. Tell me that isn't discouraging.

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I am a woman and my #1 need from my spouse is physical intimacy and he happens to be the one with the low sex drive. It increased for a period of time, but now it is right back to nothing again. No porn, no lust or masturbation issues on his part. He just doesn't have a drive and it is very hard not to feel resentful. Right now I feel hurt and unloved. He is a good husband, helpful, we talk, do things together, share kisses, but he just doesn't care much about sex.

I just don't understand?

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tuliplover

Has he ruled out a medical problem as the cause of his low libido? Has he had his testosterone level checked?

Beyond all that, even if his drive is low, is he willing to help meet your needs ... um... one way or another?

As you'll see if you read a lot of posts around here, lack of sex is a big problem (mostly for us men), but lack of caring by the lower drive spouse probably causes more damage.

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I agree with AG and somewhat agree with Nia with the exception that I guess I DO feel obliged to meet my husbands needs whenever he needs them met and I'd be pretty offended if he didn't view my needs with the same priority and sense of urgency.

The difference is attitude. I CHOOSE to be married and I choose to want an intimate marriage and I want my husband to be in love with me.

So if that means my schedual is sometimes disrupted or I am asked for affection or sex at a time when it wasn't strictly the FIRST thing on my mind...well..why exactly is that such a big deal?

I mean it isn't like I have never put off the kids and housework and whatever else for 20 or 30 min when I get a phone call unexpectedly. I don't develope a big bunch of resentment that someone sought me out for conversation [maybe because conversation is high ranking on my OWN priority list?].

I do think that selfishness is at the ROOT of the issue for most of the men and women who are reluctant. There is a sense of entitlement there...that they shouldn't have to do more than they feel like doing...or that they are free to wait UNTIL they feel like it before they do...and because it's low on their list that feeling rarely if ever comes.

And that their spouse should just suck it up and stop having needs that are inconvenient.

Unless a person is actually AVERTED to sex it shouldn't be any more of a problem to have more sex than your personal drive would have you seek out than it would to do anything else and frankly if it were anything BUT sex [or possibly AS related] it would be a no brainer.


Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once ~Shakespeare
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Nia with the exception that I guess I DO feel obliged to meet my husbands needs whenever he needs them met and I'd be pretty offended if he didn't view my needs with the same priority and sense of urgency.

_______________________

interesting, noodle.
i pretty much FEEL the same way... but i do struggle w/ that feeling. there is something about it that leaves me questioning myself and my intent......am i being controlling? is this co-dependence?
should we be both pursuing more self-soothing at these times?

you may not have an issue w/ that at all, but i am just finding out that my H has an addictive personality and worry that my if H has addiction issues that must mean that i am an enabler/co-dependent.

also, i know plenty of people who do not seem to struggle w communication about sex the way H and i have and they are very open and very content w/ allowing each other separate sex-lives via masturbation.
so, i guess it works for some people.

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Noodle: I certainly appreciate your attitude on this topic.

I actually wonder if you find that your husband's requests are surprisingly reasonable given that he has no need to be obsessed with whether his needs will be met. I would think that a spouse in his position might return the favor (in part) by being more sensitive to whether you are tired/preocuppied. It seems to make sense that it could work that way.

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I guess what I don't understand is why, even if someone has a low physical libido, man or woman, they cannot respond with their other feelings for their mate. You can't just wait for your hormones to show up and take you for a ride.

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I wonder if, with sex, we tend to get lazy and a bit judgemental of our spouses without examining what we are really doing or not doing to make things better.

Why not have fun with a seduction and make efforts to fill all of our spouse's senses with sight, smell, touch, taste, hearing?

Set the stage for optimum results and just see what happens? Are we so afraid that to pull out all the stops and be rejected, we would fall harder?

Even if your spouse doesn't orgasm, the experience and the effort is touching and meaningful and associated with pleasure because so many of the other senses have had their due.


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

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