This IS in fact a two way street - or a double-edged sword!

Look back at your post. Everywhere you have "intimacy" replace it with "SF" and vice-versa.

So you want your H to meet your intimacy needs when his SF needs are not being met, and he wants you to meet his SF needs when your intimacy needs are not being met.

MB works best when both partners buy-in and work the principles together. Can it be done just from one-side? Maybe, but personally I think the odds are greatly against it. Not impossible, and there are a few success stories. But there are a lot more people who feel "used" by the one-sidedness and seeming unfairness of it.

Even when working the MB plan there is a danger of seeing things as "you are only doing X to get Y". This is a minefield. But aren't you already saying that you'd probably be more likely to *want* to fulfill his needs if yours were fulfilled? It may be tacky to speak of it in these terms, but it IS an economic model - hence the "Love Bank".

It is based on give and take. You can't have it both ways. You can't say you don't feel like fulfilling his needs because he hasn't fulfilled yours AND ALSO complain that he's just meeting your needs so you'll meet his.

What happens when you say "I realize you want more SF, but I'm too frustrated on a day to day basis because none of my needs are being met and I can't stop being resentful. A resentful person just doesn't feel like participating in SF. If we were meeting halfway, I'm pretty sure you'd be getting a lot more satisfied in the bedroom, don't you think? Anyway, here's my list of ENs, in case you forgot what they are, and in case you think it would make sense to see if you're meeting any of them."

She could try that, but it does sort of frame things in "you go first" terms. There are 3 possibilities here: 1) she can risk going first, 2) he can risk going first, or 3) they can agree to try to both work at it at the same time. Hopefully when they each see each other making a sincere effort, that will put them on the right track.

You're right, but I get the sense that he isn't hearing her, which is why I suggest at least at first, pointing out that she doesn't feel inclined to participate if he's not listening.

Of course, she can add at the end of that "and now tell me what you think I should be doing, because I certainly want to make sure I'm being the best wife I can be, too."

I'm not sure if ItIsWhatItIs and catperson are referring to me, but I'm going to answer as if you are because I can relate to what you are saying.

I have talked to my H about this.


I have stated much of the above. However, I don't think it is a matter of him wanting more, because I believe I meet his need for SF. I realize it is important to him, his top EN, and to our M. I have explained about me building up resentment because I am trying to meet that need for him, but he will not try to meet my need for affection. I've explained how meeting my need for affection would have a very positive affect on SF for both of us. I have told him what affection is to me...what it looks like, etc. He told me that what I want is a fairytale, guys just aren't that way...funny, he used to be that guy.

And I'm not talking about huge things here...a phone call during the day, an email, a love note on a post-it, make dinner one night so I don't have to, plan a date for us, etc. Am I asking to much?

The last time we talked about it, he said we could stop having sex if I wanted. Do you know how much that hurt me? He would rather stop having SF then try to meet MY need. Doesn't make a person feel very important or special.

And I do feel used or taken for granted when he will show me some type of affection...about 20 minutes before bedtime...and that isn't even every time. How I'm I suppose to feel?

I recommend printing this out and holding on to it, because it encapsulates the situation. If the discussion ever comes up, whip it out and read it.

As for what to do now? All I can think of is boundaries. Keep reiterating your O&H feelings about it, find ways to point out situations that could have been handled differently, in a nonjudgmental way. He probably is being honest to some degree. Many men simply don't think the same way and you may have to educate him. Look for instances, and sweetly say, 'see if you would have picked up your plate from the table when you were through with dinner, that would have been one of those things I was talking about. Because it tells me you remember that I'm doing all the cooking and cleaning, and that you love me enough to shave just a little of that work off my day.' I'm sure that's not a MB way to say it, but you can figure out your own way.

I am a BW who was the one with the "low sex drive". I actually have a healthy sex drive that wasn't being "started" properly. My FWH was not meeting my ENs - conversation, affection, help around the house, and I was not meeting his. We were so disconnected from each other it was like living on opposite sides of the Grand Canyon.

We began counselling before Dday, while he was still having the Affair, and I believe it saved our marriage. He was always a great lover, but for me, there had to be a meeting of the minds for me to be interested in sex. The counselling taught us ways to deal with conflict and issues. Once we were able to do that, we began having real conversations. What a difference in our relationship. We discovered we were friends again.

I also started using a testosterone cream - perhaps your wife's MD could give her a blood test to see if her levels are normal. using this cream has given me a higher sex drive than I've had since I was a teenager.

Meeting ENs, hormones, learning to please a woman (as suggested by other posters) - all these could help your wife be a more willing partner.

my husbands masturbtes 5 days a week, has atleast 1 wet dream n watches porn everyday, has lady friendz s well (i m not exactly sure abt the extent of this relationship but from the txts they seem v intimate) but he doesnt have sex with me. v have been married fr only 3 yrs. the fist yr was ok but v had sex only 28 times last yr and this year the sx rate has gone down to 11 times only in the whole year. i hve tried to talk to him but he mkes excuses. on weekdays he says he has to go to work n hez tired n on wekends he either fakes an illness or he goes to hiz prents place. i hve tried seductive talking, lingere n everything possible. but nothing helps. wat am i suppossed to do? plz help me

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> so sorry for you sitch, Imara... sounds like he has an addiction to porn and a wander lust... how is your relationship otherwise? how long have you 2 been together before you got married? how were things before marriage?
IMO, you are being very neglected and abused (emotionally).
Find an IC... get help...maybe get away from him altogether... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What do you do when “you” see the sex diminishing, but your spouse doesn’t

Honestly ..There is one word.. Communicate. Find the reason’s behind the dimishing sex life, if you don’t know the reasons ask your spouse, if they do not know then find it together.

If you see it and he/she doesn’t what do you do. You have talked to them you have argued and fought with them about it and still the only resolve is rejection and denial. It’s easier for the deny’er to reject your intimacy than to face the fear that they may have to change, it’s easier for them to blame you for not taking out the trash rather than realize they have a big problem in the intimacy area. It is easier for them to come up with every excuse in the book in order to avoid the fact that they need to change.

Sex is the biggest three letter word I have ever come across. I once heard a very intelligent woman say, your biggest sex organ is between your ears. It is the truest statement I have ever heard. There are so many things that people use as excuses to avoid intimacy and it ultimately boils down to, unless you have a true medical condition, you can make the choice. You can make the choice to be sexual and intimate with your spouse or you can choose to withhold. But see here is where it gets technical. You have to find the “reasons” behind your issue. You have to look inside and find out what it is that you are really afraid of. You have to look inside and find out what it is that keeps you from showing that intimacy to your spouse. It’s not easy, as a matter of fact I almost ended up divorced because I didn’t want to relinquish the power to him. Oh yeah, I hear your thoughts now. What? Relinquish my power to him/her. Yeah, you have to. You have to give them a 100 percent, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, otherwise that insecurity inside you thinking he is just gonna hurt me, or the typical BS stereotype that he just wants sex is going to get you well, divorced or in one very very unhappy marriage....

I'd like to add a comment.

When my H wants intimacy, he turns off the TV and starts kissing me. Just making out like we have all day.

If I wasn't in the mood when we started, I sure am after a few toe-curling kisses.

And I am no spring chicken, I am 52 years old.

I’ve been married for eight years, but lately we’ve been having a lot of trouble with our relationship. We had our first child, Lindsey, in September of last year and she is the most wonderful precious thing on the planet, but since then, my partner and I have not been able to regain our intimacy. I now realize that the problem is my relationship with myself.

I read the book Harmonic Wealth by James Ray and his section on relationships was an eye-opener for me. He reminded me that my most important relationship in the world (even more than Lindsey which I find hard to accept!) is with MYSELF and that if I didn’t take care of that, I wouldn’t find success in other relationships. Has anyone else read this book? Any tips on how to balance family life with love for oneself?
a JR Fan