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#1906546 07/09/07 11:11 PM
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ub40 Offline OP
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Hello. This is my first time posting on this website and I sure am nervous. Anyway, my husband and I have been married for 8 years (have two kids) and have had a pretty sedate, easy-going relationship. We reconnected with a couple a few months ago (it was my husband's college roommate and his wife); spent time at dinner, local amusement parks (with the kids), etc... Well, I overheard my husband and the female friend talking together one day...they were just asking questions to one another, but the tone was strange. I let it go. A month goes by and just recently, we found out that this female friend had a miscarriage. My husband and I discussed how we should convey our sympathies to them but we didn't agree if we should call, send flowers, or a card.

Anyway, I received an email from my husband's male friend today, thanking my husband and I for the sympathy flowers. I had no idea my husband was going to send anything as usually I'm the one who takes care of that kind of thing. I asked my husband why he didn't tell me about the flowers and his response was, "I thought I did."

Now ordinarily I wouldn't even think twice about the flowers since 1) we did talk about what we should do and 2) I want to encourage my husband to be considerate and thoughtful of other people. But, after I told my husband about her miscarriage, the topic came up probably too frequently - like he was over-curious. So I have my suspicion that my husband has a crush on this woman.

I don't want to even ask him since I'm afraid of what his response might be. I'm a child of divorce and the way my parents handled their break-up SUCKED...so I think I'm emotionally damaged as a result. When I sense a relationship going south or in trouble, I want to exit before the other party has the chance. I certainly don't want to leave but my heart is kinda broken.

Maybe I'm making too much out of this. Anyone have advice? Similar experiences?..

ub40 #1906547 07/10/07 05:41 AM
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ub40,

Trust your instincts...and share your fears with your husband...don't run away. Has he given you reason to believe that he would be unfaithful?


AKA VowsRSacred/ VRS Me 44 WH 46 dd Mar 7 06 Dday 2 Jan 19 07 EA and PA DD 19 DS 10 DS 7 DD 4
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You would have to either ask him or spy to find out 100%. I dont know if it sounds strange.. maybe he just cares as her friend.


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby
ub40 #1906549 07/10/07 07:27 PM
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Hi UB40,
I would trust my gut if I were you. It does sound like he is overly involved with her. Did he know her when he was young? My FWH had a brief emotional attachment to an old HS girlfriend. After I discovered it, we did a lot of work on our marriage and he realized that it was all about his infatuation with his own youth. This is pretty common. There are a few articles on various web sites about old flames. It does not have to be an old girlfriend to help your H recall fond memories of youth--possibly just the fact that she is married to his old friend is enough to create that emotional interest for him.

Do you think he is communicating with her by cell phone or e-mail? Do you have passwords to all his accounts and can you look at account activity on cell phone or look at all his e-mails? It would be good if you could take a look at all his correspondence and phone call history.

After you have looked for this kind of "evidence", I would encourage you to talk to him about how you feel and why you feel that way.
Lake


Lake
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FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977

N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
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I would amp up the sex and admiration. Then be sure to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together - WITHOUT the other couple. His response will give you some clues.

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Quote:

Hi UB40,
I would trust my gut if I were you. It does sound like he is overly involved with her. Did he know her when he was young? My FWH had a brief emotional attachment to an old HS girlfriend. After I discovered it, we did a lot of work on our marriage and he realized that it was all about his infatuation with his own youth. This is pretty common. There are a few articles on various web sites about old flames. It does not have to be an old girlfriend to help your H recall fond memories of youth--possibly just the fact that she is married to his old friend is enough to create that emotional interest for him.

Do you think he is communicating with her by cell phone or e-mail? Do you have passwords to all his accounts and can you look at account activity on cell phone or look at all his e-mails? It would be good if you could take a look at all his correspondence and phone call history.

After you have looked for this kind of "evidence", I would encourage you to talk to him about how you feel and why you feel that way.
Lake




Hi Lake -

No, he didn't know her when he was "young" (like HS)...but he and his college roommate met her around the same time. A friend of theirs fixed her up with his roomie...and of course as they began dating, she spent a lot of time at their place. I don't think they are communicating at all now but I am planning to get access to his passwords to check things out. I feel really bad even feeling this way about him, but his behavior's been odd...and my radar was triggered.

Thanks to all for the feedback, advice.

ub

ub40 #1906552 07/11/07 06:56 AM
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So he did know her when he was in college. Remember, affairs are mostly about the wayward, not really about their other person. So this woman possibly brings back meaningful memories to your H about how he felt and who he was when he was college age. the same for her, he may remind her about her youth and how she felt and who she was when she was in college.

This point that the affair is not really about the other person, but rather, how that other person makes the wayward feel is key in my opinion. It is why getting back in touch with old girlfriends/boyfriends is dangerous to marriages. Maybe your H did not date her, but they knew each other in those exciting, heady college days when they both had unlimited potential.

I was fortunate that my H got a grip on himself quickly after he got caught keeping secrets from me regarding his communications with her. He was not planning on putting her above me in a relationship sense. But he knew that his behavior regarding her was wrong. He just did not know how wrong. It is a slippery slope. He told me he knew he was saying things to her to make her "like" him. He had no plans for "liking" her back, just wanted to know that an old girlfriend could still "like" him. UGH., that he still had it in him to be "liked".
Lake


Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977

N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery

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