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#1908785 07/13/07 03:38 PM
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mpep Offline OP
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WH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8 1/2 years. He has DS-11 from previous R, I have DD-13 from previous R, we have DD-7 and DS 3. The first 2 years of our marriage was great. The next few rocky. It got a little better but not great. The last 2 years have been okay at best. We co-exist, but not happily.

Last summer he started taking 'trips' for work about once a month. He had weekends where he would stay out til 4 or 5 a.m. I asked if he was cheating, he said no. New Years Eve, he said he was staying in. He abruptly decided to leave out. He came home at 7 a.m. At this point, I am sure he is unfaithful. We hadn't had sex since September, along with him staying out til all hours and all these work trips. Times he'd be sitting out in the garage, talking on the phone. Times where he'd be on the phone but hang up when I came in. Times when oldest DD would say he spends hours on the phone when I'm not home.

I started to follow him after work, some weekends. I eavesdropped on phone conversations. His cell phone bill does not come to the house and he keeps it locked. I found nothing. But I knew.

Last week he left his cell phone at home, and it was unlocked. I found text messages to an OW. Full of I love you's and I miss you's and I can't wait to be with you. Texts from her that she loves him and misses him. I called her, heard her voice, hung up. Began calling her from his phone, but she wouldn't answer. I assume he told her it was me calling. I went to confront him at work. He took his phone back. Told me we'd talk later. I proceeded to Expose the A. I went to his parents, my parents, called our friends, everyone. His mother was upset that I was telling everyone. His friends claimed to know nothing.

This is a woman he's known for years. I never liked the friendship. I met her once. He never brought her around again. He told me he loves her. That he is in love with her. That he does not want to leave her. That our problems are not about her but are about what's broken between us. That we are no good for each other. That he has been unhappy with our marriage for 2 years. That he is only here for the children. That he didn't mean for me to see those messages and he is sorry for my hurt but he loves this woman.

We've talked and talked. He will not tell me that he won't see her again. He is pushing for separation. To get our debt paid off and sell the house so we can split and live our lives.

Is there anything left for us?


BS(me): 32 WH: 31 Kids: 4 (2 together, 1 his, 1 mine) Married: 9 years, together 10 EA/PA began: about 1 year ago DDay: 7/4/07
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I have no advice as I've not been in this situation but I know there are alot of helpful woman on here that will help you. I would say if he believes he loves her and wants the seperation, he's probably going to stick to that. From what I read on here he'd have to agree to No contact which you say he dosent want to do. I hope someone has better advice, but many hugs to you!


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby
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mpep,
I am so sorry you are going thru this. There are alot of really good people here and they can help you so much. The weekends are a little slow so please dont be discouraged. You may get a little more traffic if you also post this to the General Questions II section. Good luck and I will be praying for you!!!

DHD


Me - 37
DS - 12


Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though 'twere his own.
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mpep,

First off, so sorry that you had to find out about the A like you did. I'm sure you are still hurting.

From the sound of it, it will be difficult to get your WH to let go of the A....one crucial step for your M to start healing again is for him to break off all contact with the OW --- completely.

Because it's only been a week, it's difficult to say if there is anything for you to fix...it takes two to make a M work.

In the end though, the question you have to ask yourself is: what are you prepared to do?

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He and I talked, and talked and afterwards, I said to him "so, you didn't tell me that you would stop seeing and talking to her" and he just looked at me.

Friday I come in from the store and he's getting off the phone. I KNOW he was talking to her. Saturday I am basically on him-all day. Trying to make sure he doesn't talk to her. I hate feeling like this! Yesterday he was gone for hours. He had the kids for part of that time. I asked if he had been on the phone and, yes, he had. Pretty much the entire time.

At times I feel prepared to do whatever it takes. At other times I just want him to go. I am so angry. I just called her again. This time she answered, but I just hung up.


BS(me): 32 WH: 31 Kids: 4 (2 together, 1 his, 1 mine) Married: 9 years, together 10 EA/PA began: about 1 year ago DDay: 7/4/07
Joined: Jul 2004
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Mpep

Your H has ben kidnapped by aliens and replaced with an incomprehensible pod person ! That is EXACTLY what it seems like when our spouse is in an affair.

I now how you hurt but there is HOPE. Almost ALL affairs end relatively quickly,and even very deluded wayward spouses can return to the marriage successfully !

Take some time to read This toolkit for new betrayed spouses

It is much of the wonderful advice I got when I was in your shoes three years ago. You will see my dear Squid was also convinced she had found her "soul mate" in her affair too.

Now thanks to Dr Harley's methods , helped by some vets on here, we are happy and together.

read this, then post questions you may have back on these boards somewhere.

You won;t believe this now,but there is great hope for your M and you WILL feel so much better that you can;t even imagine now in a few weeks.

All blessings.

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mpep Offline OP
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Bob, how long were your WW and OM involved??

I want to have hope and faith that we can come through this. But he does not seem to be willing to try. He said he's given 100% to the Marriage and I wouldn't give back. Then he gave up. He has nothing more to give to the marriage and wants out. It makes me very sad and hurt.


BS(me): 32 WH: 31 Kids: 4 (2 together, 1 his, 1 mine) Married: 9 years, together 10 EA/PA began: about 1 year ago DDay: 7/4/07
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mpep,

You are fresh in this, and your feelings will be on a rollercoaster. There is hope, and just a short time has passed for you at one week.

Right now, your emotions will be unpredictable from hour to hour. Making a decision about what to where or eat might be hard, let alone deciding what to do in the marriage. Give yourself some time about everything, because there is no rush. Read up on Plan A, and work that plan. Be your best self, and read "the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A"

If someone can bump that up for her, it would be good. I can't seem to find it.

Please be wary of those who are newly registered. Some are not using MB principles, and the longer-time residents of these boards are more likely to give you advice that is in line with Dr. Harley's researched and sound methods.

Also, if you can find it, LilSis did a great Plan A.

You can make a new marriage, stronger, and you can get through this.

Call the Harleys - they can help a lot.

SB

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mpep Offline OP
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thank you.

I have such a dicisive personality. I feel like I need to know NOW what is going to happen. You know?

It's all so much right now.


BS(me): 32 WH: 31 Kids: 4 (2 together, 1 his, 1 mine) Married: 9 years, together 10 EA/PA began: about 1 year ago DDay: 7/4/07
Joined: Jul 2004
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Quote:

Bob, how long were your WW and OM involved??





6-9 month EA, 3 month PA. I busted it at its peak.


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mpep Offline OP
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WH and OW have a 3+ year EA (I think). He says I "know" they have been friends forever. Had the audacity to add "longer than I've known you". I'm getting ANGRY just thinking about it! They've been in the PA for almost a year (from what he told me).

I will read the toolkit. thank you


BS(me): 32 WH: 31 Kids: 4 (2 together, 1 his, 1 mine) Married: 9 years, together 10 EA/PA began: about 1 year ago DDay: 7/4/07

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