Hi, Aphaeresis.

I think that if you study a bit more about how men judge worth, you may find that it is not rooted in emotion at the same level that a woman would include emotional attachment as a variable.

All the best,
Gimble

I think he's likely CURRENTLY engaged in some kind of affair himself.

I see where you'd mentioned he said he'd LIKE to be in one.

The sheer fog that's coming out of him makes me suspect he's ALREADY in one.

Nothing personal, Aph. Just what it sounds like to me.

Aph,

You need to do what every single person on this planet at some time or another must do.

Stand by your values. But first you must determine what your values are.

If marriage and family are of your highest values, than do what you need to save them. You do not get your cue from what other people do. You do not set your value's or course of action on another person (even your spouse's) current reaction, non-reaction, or actions.

Do you value this marriage? Do you value the sancity of family? Do you want your already traumitized children to have to deal with divorce and the destruction of their already battered parents? Step parents? Boyfriends, girlfriends?

Fight for this marriage and do what you need to do.

You are now entering into the world of BS's and Plan A. In reverse. Why? Because you are the one who wants to save the marriage. So what? If it weren't you, it would be your husband fighting for you and the marriage.

Be thankful it is you, because you are strong and you have the desire. If left up to your husband in his current state, your marriage wouldn't have a fighting chance.

Well, perhaps I am missing the point, but I don't think so. I do think you are evaluating through your own lens, though. That cliche for example, I won't do it, but it can have holes a mile wide poked in it. What is really happening with that cliche is "rationalization."

You see, the "difference" in perspective is the concept that marriage is a covenant, and I know you don't see it that way. You see it more as a "convenience" that can be discarded when it is no longer convenient. Now before you get your hackles up over that statement, consider whether or not marriage IS a sacred covenant that is intended for life, or whether it is just a convenient arrangement so long as the couple "feels like it." The "sanctity of marriage" question has lot to do with this conception of what marriage IS. Obviously, without God and without what God has said marriage is, that leaves each individual to decide for themselves, and leaves the door wide open to "disposable marriages," most conveniently exemplified in alleged "no fault" divorces. Once the "shine" has worn off, and marriage becomes both a commitment and work, the "easy out" path becomes more attractive.

That is precisely why I have been saying to you, COMMIT. Get in the "fight" 100% or get out. Having committed adultery yourself, it really does not matter if your husband is, or is not, having an affair. If YOU want to remain married to him, you have to give him all the reasons why he should remain married and no reasons to believe you are not now 100% invested in the marriage.

FH,


You really don't have a clue what I think of marriage because you won't let go of your preconceived notion of secular people. But whatever - your prejudice is your problem, not mine.

Be comfortable with him. Express your appreciation for who he is. Express your appreciation for who he is as part of a whole family. Express your gladness that you have the family and that it includes him. Express the simple fact that he is vital and important to the family and you.

And don't give up.

Er, just a bit of update. Wife here has decided that another child would be a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now it isn't going to happen. I don't want us to be spread so thin that we have children raising children, but the thought is very, very, very, uh, nice.

Now translate that to his expression that he had thought about another child. Go by what he does, not always what he says. He talks his insecurities and acts his intent.

Larry

Hey Aph,

How's it going?

Ace

Thanks, Larry. And glad to hear things are going so well with you!

Owl, I really don't think so. He's here all the time now except when he's at work and it's not like he's been working late or anything like that. Even when he's on the computer he's either looking for work or playing his game, but then I usually play with him these days.

Ace,

Things are progressing nicely. We kinda-sorta started having sex again, and I say kinda-sorta because we're trying to work around his physical problem.

Also, he's worried about not having found a job yet. He got word that his contract ends the end of September. Money is tight and I had to ditch my plans to look for work for myself because the schools here are terrible, there are no charter schools and we can't afford private schools so I have to homeschool the kids. And when I say terrible I don't just mean not up to my standards, I mean the district scores just slightly higher than the worst district in the nation. Unfortunately, housing in the good districts is too expensive right now. And that is why I always say school funding should NOT be tied to property taxes, but I digress.

So needless to say I'm exhausted all the time, but part of that is I ran out of one of my meds. I finally got a new doctor and got my prescriptions written so I should be back to normal in a few days. And there are inclusive homeschooling groups around here and I've been looking into socialization options.

Hi Aph,

Glad things are progressing. Hope the schooling situation works out with your options.

Sooooo good to hear from you. How old are your kids?

Ace

Aph,

Good to hear from you and glad things are looking up.

Keep workin' at it.

Mark

Thanks Ace and Mark.

My son is 11 (12 in December) and my daughter is 7 (8 in November.)

Hey Aph,

So did you find an alternative or are you homeschooling? How are the job prospects?

Glad things are working out somewhat. Have you both disclosed everything to each other now....well...as far as you know, at least?

Sorry for 20 questions.....I do care and hope for the best for your family.

Ace

Hi Ace,

As far as I know, but he hasn't wanted any specific details from me.

Turns out, there is a state law that says I can only send my kids to a charter school in my own district, and our district has no charter schools. So I am homeschooling them. It's going okay, but it's difficult getting cooperation from the 7-year-old <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She was an angel in public school of course, but she knows that unlike a professional teacher I'm going to love her no matter how bad she behaves, so there's no need to impress me.

And I still haven't found any social outlets for them, but there's just a few weeks before my husband's job here ends anyway. So far he hasn't found a replacement job, but both his boss and someone else said they'd hire him over the mandatory 3-month absence is over. So, worst case scenario is that we live on his unemployment compensation for 3 months (plus whatever work I can get IF we end up in a place with good public schools), perhaps staying with family.

As for things between my husband and me, things are positive - no big changes from a few weeks ago.

Aph,

[color:"blue"]"As for things between my husband and me, things are positive - no big changes from a few weeks ago."[/color]

So glad to hear that things are positive. I'll bet it's easier now that you're all together in one place, even if it isn't where you'd like to be.

Keep us posted, OK? A lot of people here care about what happens to you.

Mark

update - we had a bit of a tiff tonight. I know I didn't handle it well, but I'm not sure what I should have done or said, so maybe some of you can give me some suggestions.

One warning, though - don't bother if you're pro-spanking. I don't want to hear it. (Oh, and that's in reference to child-rearing, not kinky sex - ha, ha.)

Our 7-year-old has an infection for which she was prescribed anti-biotics. She hates taking them. She refuses to take pills, so we give her liquid medicine. We even have it flavored, but she still makes a whole big production out of having to take it. What I mean by that is she'll refuse to take it, then make excuses, then stall for time, then cry, and I sort of alternate between reasoning, comforting and threatening to pour it down her throat if she won't take it voluntarily. Sometimes it takes up to 20 minutes. (When she was younger, she used to cry so much she'd make herself vomit. So I have to be careful not to get her to that level of upset.)

Sometimes she gets more cooperative if my husband says, ____, do what your mother says! But mostly he'll only say it if I ask him to. Same as tonight. Plus, he was complaining that he wanted to go to bed and whining to me about how long it was taking. This was extremely annoying because I was already under stress dealing with her and I have to hear him whine too. I suggested he help me instead of criticizing (after all, she's his daughter, too!) but as usual his only answer was "just spank her" which is completely stupid because the very few times he has spanked her she just screams her bloody head off (and it was her noisiness he was complaining about in the first place!) Plus, I don't think it's right anyway. Then he complains that I ask for his advice and get mad at him when he gives it, and I said well you never have anything productive to suggest.

Well, "never" is not quite true except of course at the moment when he's complaining. But generally, he criticizes and has no viable alternative for me to follow. He never reads any childcare books - I do all that. My thinking is that he should either help in a productive way or stop complaining. It's not like I go down to his job, tell him he's doing it all wrong and then refuse to help him find a better way and say, oh just slap some people around a bit - that'll work!

So anyway I got annoyed I told him I think sometimes you say that just to annoy me. DJ, I know, but it just drives me crazy when he acts like that. Quite truthfully, it's far more bothersome to me than my daughter's behavior at medicine-taking time. But what to do?

Well, I'm pro-spanking, but under very specific conditions. I must have spanked one of my daughters about three times in her life, and the other I've never spanked at all. What I've found that an approach that you use for one child is probably not going to work for another, and you basically need to work out the best approach to use.

Your situation however sounds quite similar to what mine used to be like - my FWW and I had huge arguments over how to "bring up" our kids, and it caused serious problems in our M, and she refused to accept anything else but her way of doing things, and eventually I simply withdrew as much as I could to avoid confrontation - which she of course interpreted as me not being willing to help. I was willing - just not willing to be forced to do things her way and her way alone.

Now we've both recognized the problem and we've talked about it, and I think things are getting better in that regard. Whenever there's a "confrontation" with regards to the children, we wait until a calm moment and talk about it, and discuss how we could have done things better. I think that approach is paying off, and she knows now that she'll get more cooperation from me if she doesn't demand that things be done her way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I'm pro-spanking for outright rebellion and defiancy...which your child seemed NOT to be.

7? I'd make it a game of sorts.....create an imaginary scenario where the object (meds) were a way to defeat the 'other team'......stretchin here, Aph. sorry.

It is difficult, I know.

Ace

PS. Only spanked our son 1 time cuz that's all it took. Our defiant daughter.....uhhhhh...different story, like MiM said! They're both happy healthy (and grateful) 20 years later.

MIM and Ace,

Thanks. I talked to him about it later and we worked it out. Fortunately, she's finished her medicine, too.

Now if we could only find time alone for a change!

update: The company my husband is contracting for might hire him as an employee. He's not having luck finding work anyplace else. Unfortunately they are offering less than he's making now, which isn't enough with our current expenses. So what we want to do is rent (or hopefully rent-to-own) a place big enough so that we can get all our stuff out of storage and thus won't have to pay storage fees anymore. But to do that, we need to save up money (for moving expenses) and we've decided the only way to do that is if I take the kids and stay at my folk's for a few months. The schools are good there, so I could even help out by getting a job.

I'm not worried about my ex-bf living near there because I had already given him an NC letter a while ago. And I've been playing the online game my husband likes to play so that we can play each other while the kids and I are gone. I don't like it, but I don't see any other way out of this financial crisis.

Unfortunately, my anti-depressants seemed to have stopped working, which is one reason I haven't been on the boards much lately - either that or something else is wrong. Just had some tests done today and the doctor upped one of my meds and gave me an Rx for a muscle relaxer. The good news is I have absolutely no desire to cheat - but I have no desire to do much of anything but sleep anymore. But I'm not sad - just tired and everything hurts, esp. my head.

Hopefully by the time it's time to see my folks some of the meds will have kicked in. But it's just really annoying how I have to keep going back to the doctor to have my meds adjusted. Seems like I'm needing to do that more and more frequently the past few years. I feel bad for my husband because I can't do all the things I was doing before. I'm thinking of cooking tonight - if I don't fall asleep before then it'll be the first dinner in 2 weeks I've cooked myself. And he has to make all the runs to the store because last time I locked my keys inside the car and had to call roadside service. Seems to happen at least once every time I get sick. Oh well, I've complained long enough. Hope the rest of you are doing well.

Aphaeresis,

If you do have to live apart for a while, make it a short while and do everything in your power to stay connected. Phone calls, emails...all the ways lovers stay in touch. Don't let either of you miss the other so much you are willing to let someone else into your life. Don't let your missing of each other become resentment at being apart.

Keep us up to date.

Thanks so much for checking in. Many here care how you are doing.

Mark