Hey Aph,

Glad you are together for now, even if you have to separate temporarily for a spell. In the end, I hope it will be worth it.

Like Mark said, many of us care how you're doing. Please keep us posted.

Your perseverance is very inspiring. Keep it up.

(Also, be thankful that meds are available and adjustible. Hopefully they'll get the dosages right soon.)

Ace

Thanks, Mark and Ace. I agree we should do everything we can to keep in touch. And I am very grateful that I do have access to meds. I don't know what I'd do without them.

UPDATE:

I found out from the doctor's office that I have an underactive thyroid. No wonder I've been so tired! I'm really shocked, though, because I've had my thyroid tested many times, and it was always normal before. So now I'm taking another medicine. My nightstand is starting to look like a pharmacy.

Aph,

At least it is something to point toward as a reason for the way you were feeling. Do they have any idea what the cause might be?

It sounds like something that is treatable without a lot of adjustment of meds.

How are things going with the family? Are the kids doing OK?
Are you still planning to move in with your parents? Have you figured out how to spend as much time together as possible, as a family and just as importantly, just you and your husband?

Mark

Mark,

Yeah in two weeks the kids and I are moving in with my parents for a few months until we save up enough money to move our things into one house and not pay storage fees anymore. My husband will return here after dropping us off (we only have one car) and work - probably as a permanent employee where he's already working. Without the rest of the family, he'll be able to find a much cheaper place to stay, which will give us time to save the money we need, esp. if I'm able to find a job while away.

We've had a ton of family time. No problem there.

It's impossible to get any privacy with the kids here, but some friends are going to pick them up and watch them for a couple of hours on Sunday. So at least we'll have that before we head out the following Friday. Maybe my parents will do the same the night before he has to come back here. They are very excited about seeing their grandkids.

Hypothyroidism, or under-active thyroid gland, can be caused by a number of things and can be genetic. My mom has it, but I've always tested normal until now. Only one medicine is to replace the thyroid hormone I'm missing. Another is a muscle relaxer to ease the pain of muscle spasms, but once the thyroid medicine starts working I won't need the muscle relaxer anymore. That's what I'm hoping, anyway.

The other three are for depression which can be caused by hypothyroidism - but I've had it on and off for years during periods when my thyroid tested normal. There are three because each med treats a different set of symptoms. I could go off them and replace it with a new pill that works on all symptoms, but that one is slow-acting and I can't go off the existing ones too suddenly so that would leave me with 2-3 months of feeling horribly miserable before the new one kicked in.

In retrospect, I think during times I was only mildly depressed (well enough to stay awake during the day) I was especially drawn to the excitement of an affair. They say oh it's only x minutes of pleasure but that's not true at all. It would put me in a better mood for about a week. Doing all the work to recreate that effect with my husband will take years, if it's even possible at all. So I suppose the only thing I can do with this information now is pay close attention to what's going on with me and see a doctor more often. I'll have to do that anyway because thyroid medication levels have to be monitored on a regular basis.

Aph ~ most often, when someone has hypothyroidism, it does not happen overnight...

Your thryoid has probably been operating sub-optimally for years...even though the labs *looked* ok, they may not have been OPTIMAL. There is a big difference.

And eventually it became obvious on your labs. This is not uncommon.

[I have a MAJOR, can you say MAJOR, hormone defiiciency...not only is my thyroid operating sub-optimally, but ALL of my hormones are...I have Hypopituitarism (from a tumor on my pituitary gland)that has made it so that I must be on complete HRT, including thryoid meds)...now, this isn't really relevant except to tell you that hypothyroidism is not always SUPER easy to treat. If you don't feel that you are able to get back to feeling 100% normal, please do not just accept it; keep looking for answers.

[My condition is fairly uncommon...I pretty much self-diagnosed...so I have done an abnormal amount of research on hypopthyroidism (and other hormone deficiencies) than most...that is why I am sharing this info with you...not because I am a know-it-all, I am far from it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But I do not want ANYONE to have to go through what I went through in order to start feeling *normal* again).

Good luck to you, I just wanted to encourage you to keep going if things do not seem *right*.

[P.S. When I was reading your story and how tired you were, I kept thinking to myself "Get your thyroid tested...GET YOUR THYROID TESTED!!!!"...it was almost comical when you said you found out you have Hypothyroidism!!!].

Aph,

My wife had periods of depression and generally wild mood swings for years. She usually attributed it to what I was or was not doing at any given time. Her weight also fluctuated wildly by as much as thirty pounds in as little as 2 or three months. It got progressively worse until one night at a cosmetics party she looked in the mirror and noticed a swelling on the side of her neck just left of center.

She made an appointment with the doctor and by the time she saw him a week later it was the size of a chicken egg. Two days later the doctor took out the left lobe of her thyroid. She was retested every couple of months for about three years and never required any meds, but her mood swings stopped abruptly after that.

It's funny that she doesn't even recall having those mood swings now.

I used to dread this time of year because between early October and early December every year she would become depressed to the point of quitting her job more than once and would stay in a general funk until about a week before Christmas. Then about March 1st she would begin to feel like she was invincible and come up with all kinds of crazy things she would do, like start painting the living room three hours before we were due to have company. By May she was her "normal" moody self until the next fall. Everything smoothed out once she had the surgery.

I understand about the changes in meds as well. DD, now 32, has been on meds for depression and BPD since she was 11. We learned quickly that things as benign as eating too much candy could send her into a tail spin and drive us all nuts for a while. It took until she was 17 before she was able to function for long periods of time. By then, she had numerous adjustments and changes in her meds, some that made things worse rather than better.

I think it will be possible to recreate those feelings with your husband, but it will take spending more time together, meeting those pesky ENs and getting your own met as well in order to do that. It's really hard to do with kids and even harder when you seldom even see each other. All work and no play makes for less than romantic conditions.

Don't give up. You guys can make it and end up looking back on the dark days with a smile in your old age...

Mark

MF and Mark, Thanks! Maybe once my thyroid is optimally healthy I won't need the anti-depressants. I guess time will tell.

And my husband and I finally got some time alone together and it went better than expected <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> What helped is that I told him not in the exact words, but something to the effect that I wanted to take lots of time and focus on the journey, not the destination. I think too often married sex gets into a rut because one or both people sets their brain on autopilot and so you're not really focused and it gets boring because you can definitely tell if the other person's on autopilot. But I'm thinking now that the best remedy is focused attention, not any particular new activity.

Great insight, Aph. Glad things went better than expected during your alone time.

Ace

Aph,

I too am glad that it went well for you guys.

I have often wondered why being married changes the dynamic between us so much. When we are courting we flirt, drop hints, sneak away for a kiss around the corner during a party...

When in an affair people do all of the same sorts of things. They flirt, send each other suggestive emails, drop hints about what is to come later...

But after we're married it seems like we always just end up lying in bed beside each other at the end of a long day wondering where the magic went and trying to figure out how our first move will be received if we even have the energy to try it.

What would happen if we did all those old courting and affair types of things with our spouse? ...Drop hints over breakfast, call and make lewd suggestions over lunch, flash the new underwear as we walk out the door for the party, slip each other a note about what could happen "later" while in public...

Gee, I wonder why affairs happen at all...

Like you said...The journey instead of the destination...

...Building the need before doing the deed...

Hard to do in 15 minutes after a day that began 18 hours earlier with the kids screaming and the dog barking to be let out and the laundry that didn't get finished last night still in the washer...("where's my socks?"..."I don't know; I don't wear 'em...Did you pay that bill?"..."What bill was that?"..."Stop throwing cereal at your sister."...)

Ain't it romantic?

Mark

Whoaaaah....this seems too profound for me!!!!

Ace

Ace,

Why's that?

Mark

Why's that?

How do you build the need without some sort of initial deed?

(First, it rhymes....catchy phrase, too, but the concept delves to new depths.)

I'm sure it's simple for you and Aph, but it's too deep for my pea brain....and I have to defer for the day so if I don't reply, it's not because I'm not interested...I just have some grant apps due today and this week.

Maybe I'll be able to check in tonight.

Thanks,

Ace

update -

We're leaving today, so my next message won't be for a few days, probably. I asked him about coming to this site and his response was that I needed to focus on my health. I told him I didn't want to grow distant again, that we should take every opportunity to keep in touch. But he's not convinced there's anything left of the marriage to save because I've been sick on and off all through the marriage. I can't do everything I need to do to take care of and discipline the kids when I'm sick, I wouldn't be able to hold down a job in this condition and he can't afford not to work. I told him I'm convinced that this latest diagnosis explained everything and that I'll get better. He said I always get better for a few months and then get sick again and I need to see some specialists (once the new insurance kicks in)and figure out how to recover permanently so we can live a normal life. He's worried about the kids and thinks it would be good to stay with my folks who can help out and where the kids can go to school.

I asked him to at least promise me there would be no more looking for someone else - and he agreed without hesitation and I said me too.

There is a major, very reputable, research hospital near my folks' home that he thinks I should go to, so I said I would. And I'll still try to do what I can to stay connected to him regardless of what he says now.

Best wishes to you and your family, Aph. Keep us posted on your progress.

Ace

Thanks, Ace. The kids and I are at my parents house now. My husband is on his way back, and I'll be getting the kids in school and calling doctors tomorrow.

Update: Okay, now I also have chronic Lyme disease. Symptoms typcally come and go, so I could have had it for over a decade. That would explain why antidepressants only seem to work for a few months at a time.

Aph,

Good to hear from you...

Lyme disease, huh? That could explain a lot, I guess. How's the family? Are the kids adjusted to new surroundings?

How are you and H coping with being apart. (I'm assuming that hasn't changed since last time you were here.)

I know Ace would love to hear from you but she's away for the weekend with her H who is pitching this weekend.

Please check back from time to time and let us know how you're doing.

Mark

Hi Aph - good to see you posting again.

Thanks, all.

Mark, The kids are fine. They have their cousin here to play with, so they are thrilled about that.

With my husband it's complicated. He likes to remind me that the four of us under one roof doesn't work as long as I"m sick. I can't function as a wife and mother and He can't afford to take off work. He says nuclear families don't work when one person is chronically ill. I know in one sense he's right, but in another I feel abandoned. But he is making plans for future housing for all of us, so obviously he hasn't given up on me. I hate feeling like my marriage is dependent on my health, though.

Before I got here we'd been so much closer and made plans to talk online - we downloaded new software - and plans to play this game together he likes to play. Well, now he never seems to have time for any of it, and he only seems to want to talk about school districts, housing, money or the kids. Yet, he was the one who said his problem with me was I wasn't fun anymore. I know what he's doing -he's depressed that I'm gone and distancing himself from me - the exact opposite of what he should be doing, of course. We're supposed to talk online tonight but so far he isn't on yet. He's also freaking out over lack of money. He got cold toward me like that the last time we were apart but it was much less painful then because there was always someone else to turn to. (Not that I'm tempted now-- I'm too sick to bother with that.)

I dunno. Sometimes I really miss him a lot, and other times I think - I have enough problems to deal with trying to get healthy without having to deal with a difficult, high-maintenance husband. But some of that is the depression talking (a symptom of both Lyme and hypothyroid, unfortunately.) This weekend was especially bad, physically and mood-wise.