Aph,

I know almost nothing about Lyme. My wife did have a thyroid disorder related to hypothyroidism many years ago. Her mood swings were unbelievable. I'd leave for work with her sitting in a chair on the verge of tears over having to make a second pot of coffee and get home to find the living room half painted...the key word here being "half." She'd start a project, work on it to the exclusion of everything else usually till exhaustion overtook her and then never return to it even though it might be minutes from completion.

The hardest part for me was that she blamed her mood swings on others, usually me. Today she still repeats some of those lines when talking about that time, about how she was like she was because I did whatever and she really has no recollection of the mood swings at all. Half her thyroid was removed in 1982 and the difference was amazing. Even when she was moody and when she was pregnant again in 85, her cycle was pretty normal. She had ups and downs, but nothing like before her surgery.

The doctors never found anything related to her moodiness and depression. It was a lump that appeared on her neck that triggered the surgery. She was at a Mary Kay party with her sister and saw a shadow in the lighted makeup mirror. She called the doctor the next morning and by the time she got in to see him the lump was pretty big. She went into the hospital the next day and had surgery that afternoon.

It was after the surgery that the doctor and I talked about it and he asked if she had been moody or had mood swings recently. My laughter gave him an idea of what she had been like. For five years or so she had been either ready to run through walls or curled up in bed crying with little in between and often more than one cycle during the day. He told me to watch for the same kind of things in the future, but said she might never have any other problems. She had lab tests done weekly for six weeks, monthly for a year and yearly after that for about 5 years.

As for what else to do with your marriage, I don't know what to say. Just try to stay connected as best you can and wait for the day when you can be together. If it ever gets to the point that you just can't cope, come here for a pep talk or to vent. There are folks here who care what happens to you and your husband. Feel free to wail and rant any old time.

Mark

Mark,

Well I tried real hard not to take any of my moods out on him. He was usually upset most at what I wasn't doing, not on anything I did in particular.

Anyway, I talked to him on the phone last night. He is very stressed about the financial situation and worries about finding a new place for us. So at least now I know what I'm dealing with.

Aph - It is so unfair of him to treat you like that about your illness. Isn't marriage supposed to be in "sickness and in health"?

fcf, Well I think so too. On the other hand, he's right that he simply doesn't have the resources to take care of me right now, whereas my extended family does. My mom and sister are both home during the day and can help out with the kids after school if I just can't stay awake anymore. In the place we were before, the school district was so bad I had to homeschool the kids and that was completely exhausting, esp. after I got sick. And it wasn't good for them either. They didn't know any other kids and I often fell asleep after their studies and so my husband would come home, see me asleep and the kids watching tv. But now they are in school and I have some help. It sucks being apart but he has to work.

We are having a disagreement over email now because the bank balance is too low and he's blaming me (as usual, even though he eats out too much because he refuses to learn how to cook!). I hate when he does this, but I used restraint in my reply and told him to finish re-doing the budget. Hopefully he'll calm down Friday when he gets paid again, otherwise I may have to hunt him down and shoot him with a tranquilizer dart. It's hard to believe sometimes that I fell for him because he was so calm and easy-going.

Okay, potential fight was averted - no big deal. I think things are going better than I thought they were. I am momentarily feeling much better today as well. With Lyme there up and down days and it's not very predictable.

But I decided on days I'm feeling up to it, I'd do a few minutes of working out with stretching, 5-lbs. weights and light aerobics. I started today. In addition to losing weight, I'm also hoping a little muscle tone and flexibility will be of use on those days when all my muscles are stiff and sore. Of course I was careful not to overdo it. My motto is: no pain, no pain. No, that's not a typo <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow, Aph.

First Rock begins to workout, then LA. I get back into it and now you too? We're gonna be a fit bunch if nothing else.

I agree with your motto for the most part, but then there are those days when it changes to "no more pain, please."


Glad you're feeling better today. I hope it becomes a trend and that it continues.

I'm also glad things look better...

Mark

update - I must have been nuts to think I could start working out. The day I started was the day I finished.

Anyway, I'm reaching the end of my rope with my pig-headed husband. How long am I supposed to put up with his crap until I give up, anyway? I am doing everything I am supposed to do, and he is nothing but selfish and cold toward me.

While we're fighting about money because I need co-pays to take myself and kids to the doctors' he is going out to fancy restaurants 2-3 times a week and says he refuses to feel guilty about it because he's working overtime and deserves a "treat." I said it's not about what you deserve, it's about what we can afford! I've only gone out to eat once since I've been gone and my parents paid for that. He finally did get me more money but not before a huge fight. Then he gets on my case for not having a job. I said, what do I have to do -fall into a coma or be bleeding out my eyes before you finally get that I'm sick?

But that's not even what started it. What started it is that he said he hadn't read all my emails because he only checks email every 3-4 days. This from someone who works with computers all day! He always has some excuse why we can't talk about anything other than the kids or money. The cell phones are too expensive, I don't have time for online chat, I can't check for your messages because I'm working so much. Well gee...how long does it take to check his email when he gets home after work? I know he's not going to sleep right away because he never can right after work. And it's not like we haven't talked about that before. I told him I thought we should talk more, and he said he wanted to talk to me more too and that after our son's birthday (coming up this weekend) things at work would slow down. But to not even read the emails I sent him? It's not like I've sent him all that much.

And to top that off, the insurance card he gave me apparently doesn't cover prescriptions and I've been calling him all day to get the stupid numbers for the prescription card so I can get my Rxs filled. But he's not answering his phone.

I had sent him an email earlier saying there's got to be a compromise we can reach on these issues but of course he didn't answer it.

And you know I keep thinking back to conversations on here about how when I had casual sex I was somehow being "used" - but I never felt that way because I wasn't in love with them so they couldn't hurt me. I think back to the last few times I had sex with my husband and THAT is what makes me feel used. I feel absolutely disgusted. He just wanted someone to fulfill his need for domestic support and to be an incubator for his kids. The first time in our marriage I got sick and couldn't keep up with the dishes, we started having trouble - and that was BEFORE I started cheating. I'm starting to wonder now if the only feelings he ever had for me were part of the infatuation stage of falling in love - maybe he never reached the mature love stage. Maybe the reason he didn't seem to react all that much when I told him I cheated is because he doesn't really care, (other than not wanting to be known to other men as someone who gets cheated on.)

He is taking some steps that will reduce our monthly expenses starting next month, so maybe things will get better then, but if they don't I don't know how much more I can take.

And before someone asks am I doing things to be more lovable? I'm doing everything right. All my overtures are shut down or thrown in my face. I am getting nothing at all back from him. He's as cold as ice. Why am I doing this?

Aph,

I'm so sorry to hear of this turn for the worse. I wish there were some way for you two to be together more. If you look back on the short time you guys were together I think you'll see that things were looking up during that time. You had hope then...I think that is what it takes and why so many marriages fail when one or the other is away for long periods. Dr Harley's 15 hours per week is so important to maintaining those feelings for each other.

I wish I had some magic I could give you that would fix this, but alas, there isn't any.

Mark

Aph - just wanted you to know I read your post. No advice I'm sorry.

(((Aph)))

Mark,

I think it was going well because he had tried to find someone else, couldn't, missed sex and someone to clean up after him and I was there. Now I'm not there so he can't be bothered with me. None of it was real.

I think I'm going to encourage my daughter when she grows up to raise her kids with a platonic roommate. I just don't see any advantage of marriage for women. If I hadn't wanted kids, I honestly wouldn't have bothered trying to find someone.

Aph,


That isn't my observation at all. When you and your H first got back together you did not have it easy, he was not being nice to you and you, from your posts, weren't having much sex either.

It was AFTER you had been working together on resolving issues, spending time together...had a date, just the two of you without the kids, that everything started to improve. As he dropped you off and I suggested you needed to spend as much time together as possible, you were upbeat, looking forward to working toward getting back into the same house and ready to face the world.

Now you are ready to throw in the towel and move on...The REAL difference...no time together. You can't meet his ENs and he can't meet your ENs if you are never spending any time together. Not possible...Dr Harley's UA, remember? PORH is the capstone; POJA is the keystone; ENs and the LB$ are the foundation...UA is the cornerstone, without UA the rest of it is just words on a page...

Mark

Mark,

Well I was venting. I'm not making any decisions now. The thing is, we were apart when we first got involved (we met online) and that didn't stop us from forming a bond then. The difference is we looked forward to getting emails from each other every day and took every opportunity to chat online when we could. He would have never told me he was too busy working to read my emails back then, even if he had been working overtime. We even sent each other lyrics from songs we thought applied in some way to us or reminded us of the other. Now, if I wanted to do that, I'd be wasting my time because he wouldn't read it anyway.

Oh, btw, the prescription card problem got resolved. And when I sent him info about my doctor's appointment this afternoon I included a little info about Lyme disease in the hopes that educating him might help.

Really? I'm shocked. LOL.

Glad you're feeling a little more even today Aph.

Aph,


So do it anyway. He'll read it eventually and if you keep doing it, it might help...

OK. Time for Steve's rocks in the river analogy again...

You find yourself at the edge of a river and want to get across it. You throw a rock into the water and it vanishes beneath the waves, but you throw another and another and each one disappears below the surface. But you KNOW that the rocks aren't disappearing and have to be piling up, so you throw some more. You throw 499 of them and still nothing can be seen.

And then you throw the 500th rock and the tip becomes just barely visible above the surface of the water and now you have a start on building a bridge where none existed before...and you cross the river and get to the other side...

You do what YOU can do to reconnect.

You keep doing it until all hope is gone.

And then you do it some more.

And if you keep doing it, it DOES make a difference.

And one day, you can see the difference.

And it restores your hope and you go on...

Mark

Okay, but what if instead of sinking, the rocks bounce off the bottom and hit you in the head?

Just kidding...I'll keep trying.

I'm stopping for now. He's just been so verbally abusive. I can't even say hello without him giving me crap. If he wants to be left alone, I'll leave him alone...I really don't need this right now. If he really loves me, he'll eventually contact me.

Aphaeresis - a long time ago I said to you that recovery was not going to be easy, or guaranteed.

Recovery often feels as though you are "carrying the load alone."

It IS your choice, but if YOU want to recover your marriage, then it is incumbent upon you to keep trying regardless of how he is responding.

It is NOT easy, it's just necessary....if that "desire" to recover your marriage is more than just a "desire," it's a commitment. You know the kind...."For better or for worse, in sickness and in health....until death do us part." The part that's NOT in there is the "until I no longer feel that I am loved."

Withdrawal and shutting down may SEEM like the easiest course of action, but it's not "recovery" action.

How serious are you? Your husband knows about your past choices, so what "choices" are you going to show him now?

Think about it.

FH and everyone,

Actually, he responded rather quickly. Of course, it was to try to fight with me so I used a disgusting amount of diplomacy to calm him down. But that's still better than him totally stonewalling me.

We're in nearly constant email communication now, a little about the kids health, and now a lot about the budget and how we're going to get through the holidays. (In case you're curious, we celebrate Winter Solstice, the first day of winter, which is the 22nd this year. My extended family celebrates Christmas, so what we worked out is that any presents I give to others will be opened on the 22nd, but all other presents will be opened on the 25th.)

But we're still back to discussing only money and the kids. That's what ex-spouses do, not current ones. I'm really at a loss here as to what to do about that.

Aph......I've been reading but haven't posted to your thread lately.....been having some challenges of my own but things are better now.

I have no words of advice except to say I am hoping for some sort of miracle (from any source) that will make it possible for you all to be together.

I know the detached feeling.......endured it for 32 years. Keep posting your updates and know that we care and will help however we can.

Like FH said, there are many choices involved. Finding the ones that line up with your desired future may seem impossible at times, but it can happen.

Ace

P.S. A few months ago, I sent an encouraging card to you at the same PO box address where I sent the Gottman book. Did you ever receive it? Just wondering.... it had no return addy on it.

And that's what spouses who have nothing else in common because they are apart from each other for too long do as well. If you don't put any money into the bank, you can't write any checks when the bills come due. If you aren't making deposits, you have a balance of nothing.

The interesting thing is that if one person makes enough deposits, the other begins to make them too and pretty soon you're wealthy. But when you are both bankrupt and have nothing left, you can sit and watch it all go away as debts take their toll or you can earn and deposit what you can manage and save what's left until better days come around.

Aph, you understand what I'm saying. I know you do. You feel like you do, he feels like he does because you are not together. It doesn't matter who is at fault for you being apart or who seems to have given up first (who had the LB$ go negative first); all that matters is getting together in the same place long enough to let the feelings return.

Remember the date night you guys got when you were together last? Remember how upbeat and positive you felt? If not, go back a few pages and read it again yourself.

Mark