Ace, glad you got through those challenges okay. I got one card from you, thanks. If you sent another I haven't got it although mail is being forwarded to me from there now.

Mark, yeah I remember. That's why an apparent reversal was so disappointing. But at least working on the budget allows us to get closer to being able to afford living under one roof by summertime.

Speaking of the budget, I'm disturbed by his tendency to be more concerned with himself than his family. He was whining about not being able to go to the doctor but he only has allergies - the kids and I have more serious problems. And he's not losing any work, even working overtime, so it can't be that bad. I told him we're going because we need it and if he wants to go he should just refrain from eating out (something the kids and I never do anymore) and use the money he saves there for the copays. And he even suggested getting a cell phone with GPS that costs $200 more than the one without! I told him GPS is a nice toy, but hardly a necessity. I reacted calmly this time, but things like that really bother me.

Okay, he really does need a doctor and has been putting it off in favor of eating out. He's insane! He's got skin problems, which for most people might not be a big deal, but he had skin cancer several years ago. And he didn't bother telling me about this (his recent problem) until today! I told him he better go this week and tell me everything.

I only sent the one and now have no clue where that addy is.

But I pray for you often and just happened to find that card and thought of you last summer. Glad you got it.

Ace

Health update:

Turns out, in addition to Lyme disease, I also have a chronic respiratory infection. So now I have all new meds and I'm supposed to feel better in a month. I'm also off the antidepressants because my doctor said, "You're not depressed; you're tired!" I guess I'll let you all know how I am in a month.

Maritally, things are going as well as can be hoped right now. He's focused on getting himself a place that's a bit cheaper than the one he has now, so we can save some money.

Hope everyone has a good holiday!

Update:

We've been talking more through email lately (even about stuff other than money), and we've started playing that online game he likes. All is going well, except of course that I wish he could be here.

He just moved out of the hotel and into an apartment with a (guy) roommate to save money. That should help a lot with our plans to move our stuff out of storage and get a decent sized place for all of us in about July.

Aph,

Glad you're still posting and I'm glad to hear that you and H are talking. Working towards a shared goal (living under the same roof) can bring you closer together (relationally and literally), but if there were any way to accelerate the process, I would encourage it.

Wishing your family the best in 2008,

- WG

Hi Aph.....true confession. I was talking about you on a new thread. I was asking BK if he remembered when he and I were the only ones posting to you when others thought you were a troll. I asked BK why he discerned that you were not:


Were your ears burning?

I agree with wounded gentleman:


Thanks for updating us regularly, Aph. Wish I was in the financial position to help you guys get back under one roof today. That's one of my goals, though.....we discussed 'what would you do if you had unlimited time, money and resources' one day on the 20-90 Something Vacation Thread and helping folks like you (anonymously, of course) would be one of my first projects.

Hope the health and financial issues get resolved soon.

Ace

Thanks WG and Ace and BK if you're reading this!

Ace,

This board was, and to some extent still is, the only place where I can be completely honest, so it always seemed to me to be counterproductive to be anything else. You can't get away from a double life of lying and sneaking around by lying to make yourself look good on a board designed to help people get away from all that. These boards are great overall, don't get me wrong - there's just one thing, though. The unhealthiest thing about this board is that too many people expect waywards to lie or omit things to protect the feelings of bs's on the boards, but I think all that does is give bs's a false sense of reality. So when they see something offensive or threatening they just want to dismiss it as trolling instead of facing it and trying to understand. Just because it upsets you, doesn't mean it isn't true!

Hi Aph,

Hmm.

I don't think people expect WS's to be mindful of BS's feelings - I really don't. I sure don't expect people to lie - they only injure themselves if they do that and certainly this board is hard on waywards who don't wake up. But BS's get a hard time as well at times.

I am glad you stuck with us here anyway. I always had some confidence you were genuine and would make it as you seemed to be willing to put in the effort.

I know what you mean, Aph. Like BK, I'm glad you persevered. Thanks for keeping us posted on your progress.

Ace

Hi all, everything's pretty much the same, maybe better. We're online a lot together, so that's good.

I had a question, though. Every once in a while I start wondering things like when was it did he sense something was wrong, did he suspect an affair before I told him and if so, when, how? But I know I can't bring these things up. He has to be the one to bring it up. But every once in a while I feel sad or angry that he didn't try to stop me - which I know is crazy because it was my own damn fault. So then I feel guilty for feeling angry. Is that normal? Maybe I'm just thinking too much!

Hi Aphaeresis, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why can't you bring these thimgs up?

JosieJones,

Because he's the injured party (mostly) and it hurts him to talk about it. And he would refuse to talk about it, so I wouldn't be able to get any answers from him anyway.

Marriage Coaching - it's not complicated - but it does take concentrated effort on both your parts

Both of you really really need this sort of intervention. Your collective marriage skills are not up to par yet .... but they could be!

I agree with Pep, Aph.

And if it were my marriage, I'd work on the best friends part of being married. It's frustrating to read your sitch sometimes because it seems to me that the friendship, the being able to talk about anything part of your marriage, left a long time ago. Most BS's want to talk about the affair, want to talk about the hurt...and here you are the one who wants to talk about it, but your H doesn't.

I could be wrong, and my thinking may be backwards from what marriage building experts might say, but...

It would break my heart if my H and I couldn't talk about something, and anything and everything. So if I were you, and I'm not, I'd be working on the becomming best friends part of a marriage...I'd treat it like a new R, where we were building into intimacy with friendship, openness and trust being the goal...and after that, the great SF part.

Update-

I asked him why he didn't initially believe me when I said I was sick. I still don't know, and he got upset that I was bringing up old unresolved issues. I said well how can we start resolving them if we don't talk about them? And I said I couldn't guarantee I'd never get sick again and would want him to cut me some slack if I did. I think having said that, I got my point across and this should be resolved even if he doesn't respond directly to that.

But then I realized that during the conversation he again brings up his ex-wife and why he divorced her. And I realized that he does that almost every time I say something he doesn't like. One of the things I miss about cheating is the complete absence of jealousy that I felt. As long as I wasn't faithful, I didn't have to expect him to think of only me or get upset that he wasn't. I didn't have to worry about what he was thinking or what he was doing. I didn't even have to think about it because anything I couldn't get from him I could get elsewhere. When you're monogamous, you have to raise the standards of what you're willing to put up with because it's too painful not to.

So I told him he can't keep comparing me to her every time I say something he doesn't like. That he's never made an honest attempt to get over her and I know this because he still won't get rid of her photos and letters. And I said when he acts like that I feel like spending time with someone who feels passionate about me and isn't comparing me to someone else. But that I was talking to him about it instead so I hope he realizes that this had to be said and that he'll say something constructive. Or something like that. We'll see what he says.

I think you are an interesting woman ....


.... you have low expectations about marriage (mull that over)

True intimacy frightens you (and you married a man matching your low expectations and fears of intimacy)

and then, you take this step toward intimacy .....



good for you !

Hi Aph :-)


That is why Pep needs to hang around here. She brings a unique perspective and insight to the table. In this case, dead on - right?


Perceived reality. It is true and real for those so explaining (er, mostly), but that doesn't necessarily hit the reality button of the listener. We are all so good at cognitive dissonance, that one person's reality isn't always true and real for someone else. And reality changes as life experiences modify how we think and view stuff. We are what we eat.

Good to hear from you again. Keep in mind that God and Mom made him; it is unlikely that you can change who he is. He might decide to modify himself to some extent if it makes him more comfortable. ;-)

Larry

Hi Pepperband and Larry,

How can I not have low expectations? The vast majority of marriages don't meet the high expectations society seems to set. And that includes the ones that last and don't end in divorce. If it hadn't been for my desire to raise kids, I wouldn't have bothered looking for a husband in the first place. But like I said, when you're monogamous you have to set the bar higher to avoid going crazy, and there are some things I just can't tolerate anymore. I don't think I"m afraid of intimacy so much as afraid of not having it returned. It kinda has to be a 2-way street to work.

I'm not so sure that my husband's problem is low expectations. It seems to be the opposite. I'm not supposed to be unpleasant for any reason whatsoever. His response to my last email was to say oh well it cuts both ways, he's not sure he wants to work things out and acting like this makes him want to be with someone else - so if we both want to be with other people why bother even trying. (But that's what he always says and has never filed any papers. Geez, has he never heard of the Boy Who Cried Wolf?)

I said the difference is that sometimes I HAVE to bring up unpleasant things to get them resolved and that at any rate, HE is the one who brought up the subject of his ex-wife in the first place. I said there is no functional marriage on the planet that involves two people never talking about anything unpleasant and that he doesn't have to melodramatically threaten divorce every time I bring up a hot topic or make a complaint. And that when I make a complaint, he should listen and try to address my complaint in a way that will make both of us happy.

Then I told him how much it hurts me when he says some of the things he does and the fact that he has those pics, and told him that my requests are reasonable and that I'd do the same for him if the situation were reversed. And I told him I think he's keeping the photos out of stubbornness but that I'm afraid sometimes it's more than that. I told him I'm trying very hard to set things right, but that I could use a little help from him.

So we'll see what he says, but it seems like every time I want him to do something his knee jerk reaction is always to say no to it. I'm always the one who has to change. There was one exception I can think of, but it took a counselor to tell him I was right first. sigh.