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[color:"green"]Then I told him how much it hurts me when he says some of the things he does[/color] and the fact that he has those pics, and told him that my requests are reasonable and that I'd do the same for him if the situation were reversed. And[color:"red"] I told him I think he's keeping the photos out of stubbornness[/color] but that I'm afraid sometimes it's more than that. I told him I'm trying very hard to set things right, but that I could use a little help from him. [color:"green"] step toward intimacy [/color] [color:"red"] disrespectful judgement [/color] When you take a step in & then a step out - the view does not change
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I'm always the one who has to change. This makes you the most powerful force in the marriage.
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PS I suspect you and hubby are equally matched
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.... and
you are very interesting
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..... because you struggle with yourself so much
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this is my Burma Shave style of posting how do you like it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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I don't think I"m afraid of intimacy so much as afraid of not having it returned. It kinda has to be a 2-way street to work. This is just about universal - not unique to you the 2-way street ~~~> you chose a man who is not skilled at intimacy
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Pepperband,
There are only two reasons why he'd hang onto that photo and stubbornness is the MOST respectful option I can think of. I gave you the short version. The long version I gave him is that I thought there were two reasons why he'd hang onto it - 1- stubbornness or not wanting to get rid of it just because I said he should, that it was my idea not his. 2- He's so in love with her that he can't part with it and he isn't capable of loving anyone else, including me.
If I was convinced it was #2, I'd be long gone. But I'm still somtimes afraid it could be 2, and I told him that, and I said this insecurity doesn't come out of nowhere, that it comes from decisions he's made and comments he still sometimes makes.
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or maybe he is more sentimental than you know
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Do you enjoy reading somewhat difficult and challenging material?
If you do .... you might want to give David Schnarch a go....
Passionate Marriage
His subject appears to be about sex (and it is)
but the reality is this
Schnarch has enlightened me (and thousands of others) about the concept of "marriage gridlock" and entering the "crucible" of a relationship
Schnarch says:
"Once we realize that intimacy is not always soothing and often makes us feel insecure, it is clear why we back away from it."
when an intimate relationship comes up against a conflict of interests - it is a challenge to grow personally
if you have the courage to change - I challenge you to read Schnarch
no matter what happends to this marriage - you have come up against a personal challenge
what are you gonna do about it?
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Do you have faith in yourself?
Do you believe you have the potential to function at a higher level?
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"Loving is not for the weak, nor for those who have to be carefully kept, nor for the faint of heart."
"Love requires being steadfast through many difficulties."
"Marriage is where you build the strength to love and sooth yourself through the loss {death} of an irreplaceable life mate."
- Schnarch
You see .... the real risk of a deep and abiding love is this - you risk losing the love of your life if they die first.
THAT is a heartbreak we set ourselves up for when we are truely intimately in love.
My Dad - heartbroken because the love of his life, my Mom, died. But if you ask him if it was "worth it" ... he'd say "yes".
This is what holds most of us back from such intimacy.
It is not an easy road this sort of loving.
But, Oh! My! God!
It fills your spirit like nothing else can .... yet, it is a risk!
This level of intimacy requires integrity to stay and push through the crucible .... and many do not have the "what it takes" to stay in the crucible and not turn and run ....
turn and run = extramarital affair
turn and run = existing in a cold/dead marriage
turn and run = pointing the finger away from ourself
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Pepperband, Mere sentiment would require that he hang onto a g-rated photo, not a nudie pic. Besides, when I tried to send him racy photos of me once, he never looked at them. Said he didn't have time. I can look at the book I guess. But now I'm starting to feel pretty hopeless <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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turn and run = But now I'm starting to feel pretty hopeless
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I will back off anytime you ask me to ...
just so you know
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turn and run = I'm not so sure that my husband's problem is low expectations
(I confess, this made me smile .... who wants to talk about your husband's problems ???? YOU, not I)
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Pepperband, saying I'm feeling hopeless is not the same as saying I am hopeless or the marriage is hopeless.
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one thing about you that I find interesting .... when I write something as provocative as "This makes you the most powerful force in the marriage" .... you do not respond
I think that your cynicism is a veneer - and that is interesting
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Pepperband,
Well I dont' know how to respond to that. I can't see how it can possibly be true. In any other sphere of life, if you are the one following orders and your requests are always denied, then it's obvious to everyone that you are not very powerful. Why is it in marriage it's the reverse? It's not. That's just a platitude used to make someone feel better about the fact that they're being stepped on.
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