First I must introduce myself and my family. I am Ryan, 26 year old firefighter in the military. My wife's name is Ashley, she a 23 year old housewife who occasional gets a job during times when we need extra money. We have three kids, Gavin(4), Blake(2), and Aubrey(1).

here is my situation from beggining to end, 7 years squeezed into a few paragraphs so bear with me please.

Ashley and I started dating at a young age, she was 15 and i was 18. Here mom loved me to death and knew all about our relationship, personal and public things about it. She had no problem with our age difference and the age she was at the time. We were both young during these times and you know how us young people are. Want to live our life free, we liked to party, drink, do drugs, have sex, all of that stuff. We had a good dating relationship for awhile with an occasional fight here and there about certain things like when to hang out with freinds and stuff like that. Nothing real major. Well Ashley was constantly on my behind everyday, she was stuck on me and i could not do a thing without her by my side. i needed space that she would not give and it made me a little mad. We would argue over that kind of thing for the next year and finally break up. After breaking up I moved away and about 5 months and later we met up again and continued our relationship. Ashley and I had always talked about wanting to get married and be with each other for life just didnt know when we were going to make plans. Well, i started going downhill, i was not living in a house and bouncing from freinds place to freinds place with no job. i decided to join the military and that is when we decided to get married. We were married quick, within 3 weeks after my decision to join, we figured it was going to happen sooner or later in the future, lets make it happen now so i can collect that extra money early. We did not have a wedding, it was more of a formal family get together at the court house and married through Justice of Peace. A few weeks after i left for basic training is when i got a fathers day card in the mail telling me she was pregnant. We were happy, both of us ecstatic, we were starting a family together and at the time we were a happy couple. After i get out of Basic Training and we are finally together again, things are wonderful. We live in a small apartment, we were going to the hosiptal together to see the ultrasounds, we were so close to being the perfect couple. This lasted until the baby came. After the baby came, she turned into a different person. There were times when i wanted to go out with freinds but she would not let me. She never thought it was fair for me to leave her at home with the kid and go out because she doesnt get that chance due to her age. I never went out, I always agreed to stay there and told my freinds sorry i cn't go. By doing this i built up anger inside of me, just never let it go. After a few months of this happening I finally let her know how i felt. That was when our arguements started. We would argue alot, not to the point of screaming out the top of our lungs but just total disagree on how everything will be ran in this household. I would always try to run away from the arguements and hope they would dissapate, but she wouldnt let me do that. These small arguements would last for the next few years but only happen once or twice every 2-3 months. Few years later we had our second kid, i still was not able to go out with freinds, if i did, she was coming along with me. i didnt mind her coming along when i was going to hang out at a freinds house, i encouraged her to, i wanted her to make freinds and meet people. That didnt bother me, it was everytime i tried to go somewhere without her and couldnt, or everytime i had to go with her to run every little errand because she had no drivers license, thats what made me mad. Well during my second deployment to iraq, ashley had finally learned to drive and turned 21. She went out a few times with some of the freinds i encouraged her to meet. She loved it, i loved it. She was getting out and doing things instead of constantly sitting around the house. But when she had seen that i had a Myspace account and there was a girl that i knew from high school on my page and i had wrote her a comment saying long time no see, you look beautiful. She flipped. She was mad cause i talked like that to other girls but never to her. I admit, i wasnt a very romantic guy, atleast not in person. i would tell my wife things like that through email but not in person. My entire deployment in iraq was made of morale calls with constant fighting. This is when things started getting worse. Our arguments would get loud, very loud. She would constantly bother me to where i would have to sleep in the car, i would begin to ball my fist at her, she would hit me. iwould slam things on the ground. We would make gestures towards each other, and threats. I had told her once that i would crash her side of the car into a phone pole, she would tell me that I am a terrible father and husband. That i suck in bed, that i was small in the downstairs area. All these things started building up inside of both of us. We kept them in, never really explaining to each other how we felt. We both fell out of love with each other. I'll admit i fell out of love with her, there were times i didnt want to come home from work and would be mad when i did, or i'd be happy to go to work. But i told myself over and over again that i know i care for this girl, i know i love this girl. i married her for a reason. i care for my kids, i know they would love to live in a house with two happy parents that love each other. Everyday i told myself that and that feeling came back. But nothing was said to each other about what was deep inside. She started making freinds and started going out more often. The sex had slowed down, i would be lucky to get it once a month and if i did, there was always a sigh, or an ughhh to come along with the answer. We wouldnt sleep in the same room, i couldnt touch her, if i did she would jump like she was startled or disgusted. All these things made me believe that she was seeing somebody else. Well one night, we both laid down in bed and she decided to have a talk. She told me that she goes out to the clubs with her freinds and she sees how much fun they are having as a single girl and she gets jealous and wonders what it would be like to have that freedom. Thats when it hit me, all the divorce threats earlier never bothered me, i never thought she'd do it, but this time something felt different. When i heard that, i knew i had to change something. Ever since that night I have been a true husband. I would buy flowers on thursday for her just because it was thursday, i would run errands and do what she wanted. i would cook a big breakfast in the morning so she could wake up and not worry abo9ut anything. i would give her the free time she wanted and wished her fun when she went out. i was a completely different person who wanted to light candles in the night while we lay down and talk, or would give her 100's of dollars to drive to florida to see a best freind. I didnt realize until now how messed up things are and if nothing changed we would be through. But, it didnt work. She continued to go out with freinds, it got to the point to where she would come home at 7 am drunk. She would come home and tell me she was drunk off her butt and had attraction to other men. that she sees single guys and is curious what it'd be like to be with them in a sexual or non-sexual way. All of this hurt me, i couldnt understand it, and it tore me apart. All the hard work I've been doing to change, she had just taken advantage of and i realized it. i told her then it was over, we are done. The next day i told her it was all said out of anger and i was hurt, but she took it for real and had told me she wanted this day to come many many months ago. That brings me to my situaution now. We've been going to counseling for 3 weeks, our 3rd session is monday. She seems to act like she wants to fix things and sometimes tells me she will but makes no attempt to do anything. She leaves the house anyday I am home and doesnt sleep in the house at all anymore if i am there. our counselor said to begin with that this is an episode that alot of married couples go through especially when they are married young, that she just wants to see if that lifestyle she missed out on is for her or not. That i should support her independence and give her space. I was willing to do all that untill the day i surprisedher and came home at midnight from work only to find her getting drunk with two guys in my house. All trust for her had been lost there, no matter what story she threw at me.

Still till this day i hope and pray for things to change but she said her heart is not in this relationship anymore. i will continue to try but right now i have to do what i have to do, and that is give her space. I would like some advice on the situation if its at all understandable. Maybe some opinions n something you think might help. I have a few questions about divorce laws also and would really appreciate any input given from anybody.

First, what is the law for where I can get divorced. i was married in texas and claim texas as my legal home of residence. But I am in the military and have been living in Louisiana for 5 years. Do i have to get divorced here in La. or can i go to texas since that is where i was married?

La. has a seperation law, we have to seperate for 1 year before a divorce and during that seperation i have to provide adequate support to my wife cause by military law she is a legal dependent of mine until divorce is final. i thought about seperating for a year and hoping that space would bring her back, or i can go to texas and divorce right away. But she thinks that being legally seperated give her freedom to sleep around and i don't think that is right. i can't have any kind of sexual relationship with anybody until i am divorced and i think it would be wrong of her to do it. By the sounds of the story, do you think maybe a seperation could help our situation? Keep in mind the whole tie that the counselor told her she shows signs of severe depression and needs to get on medication, which she agreed to do

If we seperate I would like to get a seperation agreement done, but I am not sure what I am able to put in there. Could i put in there that I'd like for her not to have any kind of sexual or physical relationship with another man until we are divorced? If so what happens if that agreement is broken? I'd also like to make an agreement on what adequate support would be for her and have her sign the document because she agrees with it. Is this possible?

Lastly, which state would benifit me more when it comes to getting custody and the property or alimony situation? i hear texas is a no alimony state and they divide property equally but are hard on the fathers when it comes to children. La. on the hand is an alimony state with this seperation law but not sure how the custody thing would work with them?

Thanks to anybody who responds with information, i appreciate it. Sorry I couldn't format my "novel" to an easier to read layout. Hope it didnt bore anybody to death.

I believe you have to LIVE in Texas to divorce in Texas, but being active in the military might change that. You'd have to talk to an attorney in Texas to find that out.

Have you read the info on this site (not the chat boards, but the MarriageBuilders website)? Buy the books, go through the worksheets with your wife. It doesn't sound like you are too far gone to work this out.

Hello cathys01, thank you for the reply. I've tried many times and with many options to fix things. I've told her that I'd like to do the seperation thing in louisiana if she thinks that maybe her feelings might, not will, might come back. She says they might come back, but there is no promises. But she doesnt like the fact that im putting restrictions on her during the seperation. She doesnt like how I am going to tell her not to date guys and if she dates guys and things just so happen to get physical, that i dont want her to do that. She said she just wants it to be done with as quick as possible, she wants a straight divorce without seperation if it can be done that way. in a way i hope it can't, i'd like to try the seperation thing first, ithink it could help. especially since she has been depressed the entire marriage and even her entire childhood. knowing that now, and knowing that she will get on medications for that problem might change things between us. I know what i am doing now would make any wife happy, it doesnt make her happy, and ithink the reson behind that is her depression. But she doesnt want anything to be delayed, she isready to get out. She said she wants to figure out her life by herself with the kids, not married. If she is single for awhile and realizes that she doesnt like it, that she really loves me then she will be back. I'm just scared to take that chance, I'm scared that she might meet guys while I am gone that make her enjoy the single life.

I havent gone through anything yet, i don't have the money to buy anything. i am trying to save up so i have enough money to support her and the kids while they are away as well as pay for the debt we both gathered but its all under my name.

i will look into it though and if i do have some spare cash i'm sure it will be a good investment

sorry for posting two in a row, but i am reading the basic principles right now and I can really understand what is being said I mean, its amazing. I can see how my wife has done so much more for me than i have really done for here meaning she has made more deposits in the Love Bank than i have. and we have both had our equal share of withdrawls, but since she made the deposits and i didnt, I'm at the loss here. It really all does make sense to me, but see, over the past 2 months I've been making deposit after depoist and nothing has changed for her. Will these principles work if one part of the party has already decided to call it quits and not willing to work things out. In other words if i get her to fill out some questionaares and I deposit over and over and over again, is anything to be expected?

rhyno,

the future is uncertain, it always will be. you won't know until you have tried for at least a year and done a good job at meeting emotional needs. . . not a half baked on and off attempt

The question is, can you LEARN to be a worthy Husband and father, and maintain the qualities the rst of your life?

Its time to grow up and become a worthy father and husband. .

wiftty

i have learned. I've done a complete 360 from the guy i used to be and for the past months have been nothing but good. Done things she has loved, realized and admitted my mistakes and fixed my problems. She just doesn't want to open herself back up to me, give me another try. When i say this it makes it look like i was at fault for the entire relationship mess, i wasnt though. I played a good part in it, but not the entirity. She has done her things as well, i just chose to forgive and forget for the sake of our relationship and our kids. She will not do that. I'm afraid that if i try to do certain things, earn these "love bank deposits" she with either ignore it all, or take advantage of it.

Rhyno,

are you afraid of failure? If you don't continue trying, you have failed yourself for not giving it a substantial chance. . .

What you are doing is defeating yourself by expecting instant results. . . you created the problem over time, you just have to solve your problem over time. . .

stop whining about the possibility of failure, and grow up. . . you can't suceed at everything. . . but you can give up on anything. . . you can choose to be reactive to other's words, or be proactive towards your goals. . .

which is it?

wiftty

you are right, i am afraid of failure. I feel like i have failed, as a husband and a father. You are right though about the trying. So my question now is, should i get her to try to do this with me? I mean i asked her to fill out the questionnares and she agreed. She doesnt think they will fix anything, but she will fill them out. When those are filled out and i start making my love bank deposits and keep from withdrawling I'll be doing myself good, but should i get her involved in it also? I mean because while I am doing things that she will love, she will still be doing things that i disagree with.

Rhyno,

I see that you are young and not very independent Everyone in their life has their own path to blaze . . . you are no different. you are now just finding out that you thought you knew everything as a teenager, but you really don't, life is a path of learning, as long as you want to learn AND PRACTICE your learnings until they become natural. But practice also involves mistakes. . .

As an adult, you need to decide on how to live your life the way that you want to, and then practice it each day. You may ask anyone to follow, but its their individuality as an equal adult on their path to decide if the paths are similar enough to join you. . .

a teenager has expectations of certain events happening after specific effort, such as work hard, and the results will follow. . . teenagers are in a controlled, unrealistic environment, you are now an adult, and in an uncontrollable world. . . hard work may or may not be rewarded, remember, the future is uncertain and it always will be.

as an adult, you have to learn to deal with uncertainty, such as spouses, job losses, financial losses, health losses. . . so start practicing your coping skills, start developing how you want to live YOUR OWN LIFE, if you want to be a great husband and father, then figure out what that means for you and start practicing it everyday. . . regardless if anyone else wants to follow you ornot. . .

also, if you can do this, then you will be a living example to your kids on how to live life. . . because your kids are your generation's future, and you want them to have a good start, right?

again, time to grow up to be an independent adult, you can ask for anything you want, just don't expect anything in return. . .time to develop coping skills and problem solving skills

wiftty

THANK YOU for what you do for all of us! (and I like your name, it is my son's middle name)

Wiffity gave you some sound advice!

What I want to tell you that marriages CAN recover! My son (33) and DIL (30) are 2+ years recovered and expecting their 3rd child in December. My son was a WS.

Easy? Absolutely not!

I'm sorry for what you are going through. The good news is you are in the right place! There is great reading material, books to order, information and people who have been in your shoes.

Be prepared to GROW no matter what the outcome is! You can ONLY change yourself!

Again, thank you!

leaders don't ask if others want to follow, they figure out where they want to go and the others will follow. . .

I apologize for typing harshly, and maybe because i don't know enough about your circumstances, ie, deployment, etc. Military marriages are very difficult due to circumstances beyond its control. . . however, you have to make every non work hour and minute dedicated to your family and your wife. . . until you decide to leave the military. .

your boss asks alot of you and your family. . . the uncertainty is with the decisions and actions of others, that your situation is made difficult. You have to make your wife's sacrifice to your employer worthy of staying with you, so that the difficult times won't tear you two apart.

wiftty

Rhy, the very act of filling in the questionnaires, or agreeing to, is a very, very good sign.

You're just starting on what is a very bumpy, hilly road, but the end is worth it. And yes, we can see your wife bears some responsibility for the state of your marriage, but she's not here asking for help. And she's not really motivated to make this work... yet. If you keep up the positive changes, she will be motivated to make some changes, too.

Have you recently sent her a romantic email or note? You may want to try that. Nothing too over the top or it won't sound real. Just something sweet and sincere.

I'm back and surprisingly with some good news. The marriage is over, not divorced yet but defenitely on its way. I just wanted to thank everybody who responded for their advice and tips, now that its been 5 months into seperation I must say it is the best thing that has ever happened to me besides the birth of my children.

I now, finally see who my (ex)wife really is and i do not like it. Things i have never seen from her before are showing and she is defenitely just not the right person for me.

I hate to say this, but she has gone as far as abandoning her children. She refuses to watch them on occasional days i need somebody to babysit so i can provide for my family, she rarely visits them and when she does it is a quick 15-30 minute hello and i love you. It truly is pathetic.

Good news though, I am getting custody of my kids. She wants to go the joint custody route with myself being the primary household but i refuse the offer and am going to fight for full custody. Its all or nothing to me in this situation, it she doesnt want all she will have to accept nothing cause I am not about to let her walk in whenever she wants and be a mother when it is only benefitting to her. More great news, I am a very very happy single father of three who has met somebody else but we will not just go there yet.

Once again, thank you!