What email? Just because he says it so don't mean it is. I'd let him take care of it when he moves back in.

I agree with Orchid.

You don't want to make the kids "go betweens" If he really wants to do that, then he should set it up for himself.

He's being a "maroon" as Bugs Bunny would say.

I am so impressed with what you are willing to do for DSS. Kids know who loves them. It will go a long way.

One more thing. You can always call the satellite company (playing the ditsy wife) and ASK if it's been transferred and to WHAT address.

Bugs: I can be so absent-minded sometimes, tee hee. I think DRAC already took care of this but I need to be sure so he won't get mad at me if he expected me to do it, tee hee.

Operator: Your name please?

Bugs: Mrs. DRAC (I always use this when calling about bills in my H's name and it generally works).

Operator: Do you have the account number?

Bugs: I KNOW I put the bill on the coffee table but I can't find it anywhere!! Would DRAC's SS# do? tee hee

Operator: Yes m'am. How can I help you?

And there you go.

Its just more poking at you -- desperately trying to get a reaction out of you (even if its a negative one....) Most likely a childish game trying to get a reaction from you.

So how's the ol lovebank doing? He's making lots of withdrawals...

If he sent the e-mail to YOU (not your intermediary) IGNORE IT. When you say filtered I'm not clear on the route...
If he's not following the procedure -- IGNORE.

It simply does not matter. I wouldn't call the company about it - who cares really? You're outta there in a matter of days. I would just totally ignore it and go about your business as usual.

Don't get caught up in speculating about it. Just forget it.

How's the shoulder?

and unfortunately -- expect more.

everytime you have a non-response, he ups the ante trying to get you out of Plan B.

Bugs:

For DSS use the parrot technique when he talks. Go to him and wrap your arms around him. Tell him that you know he's going through alot right now and that the only way you know how to help is by hugging him. This will make him feel safe and secure. You can let him know that you do care and that if he feels a need to talk you will be there for him, but you will not ask him to put pressure on him.

And let him vent. This is part of the healing process. My daughter withdrew for awhile and would not speak to hardly anyone. Then she went through the anger stage. You should know that they try to blame themselves for what has happened as well. My daughter kept scheming up plans to get us together.

It will work out in the long run. He will be okay.

I agree that DSS vents to you because he feels safe with you. He's also terrified of being abandoned by his Dad, so he doesn't want to do anything to upset his Dad. I think DSS will be lost without you...I hope that you will be able to be there for him always, although I know Drac is not making it easy... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I totally agree with Lexx and Orchid...

Simply IGNORE and carry on...

C'mon, he expects you to enable his fun with the HO at the expense of the enjoyment of you and your DD? Then catch you up in sending stuff through the kids, the very thing he beefed about the other day?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> OH, MY!!

He's not jerking GODDESS BUGS around!!

Hey everybody!

Thanks for the input! I am ignoring the whole satellite thing. If he sends his Dad over to get the stuff, fine. I SERIOUSLY doubt that he will, as I think he MIGHT be too embarassed for his Dad to know the kind of games he is playing. I have not doubt this is a result of "coaching" from others. Whatever.

I don't understand the "poking" at me? What is the point? I know I have asked that question before, but I still don't get it. Do they really need me to keep the A going? You'd think they'd be "happy" to settle into their long yearned for "Life together".

Again, I need to remind myself that MY focus is being out of here in now LESS THAN 2 weeks!! Whoo Hoo!

We had a GREAT time at the water park yesterday. Kids were really good and we all had fun. I have the sore muscles to prove it. Tried hard to watch the shoulder, but definately aggravated it, but it was worth it! I think I'll set up the water sprinker I bought today for fun and cooling off. I LOVED running through a sprinkler when I was a kid.

Re:DSS. Yes, he does feel safe, I think, sharing with me. Drac doesn't understand or believe it, but it is true. For those of you who may not know from my first thread, his mom left when he was 3 months old. Drac has had him full time all of his life. She saw him off and on until he was 5. When I came along, we put some major rules in place that she could not/would note follow the rules and drifted away. A few years ago, we went and got FULL legal custody of him. She showed back up to "fight" it, but saw him 3 times and that was it. We have not seen or heard from her at ALL since then. No calls, no cards, no visits.

There is a lot of pent up anger and hurt from that. Since she left and before me, Drac had a series of at least 3 serious relationships (I guess that is what you would call them) with women who can into his life and then left him.

I know it is fear. I know he is afraid of abadonment. I know there is only so much I can do, but I am going to do what I can for as long as I can.

Funny, yesterday at the waterpark was with Drac's family. Most of them have not heard ANYTHING from ME about our sitch. They did ask me some questions, and I was open and honest. Everyone of them is VERY upset with Drac. They all are in full support of me and said so. It's a good/bad feeling. I WISH that they had some kind of real influence with him that would help bring him out of the fog! Well atleast it is good to hear from people that know us both that I am doing OK.

So, gonna read a few thread, make some breakfast, and play outside!

Have a great day.

Once I was a school teacher. Before that, when I was in college, studying human behavior, child development, etc. I learned that sometimes children will behave badly to get attention because any attention is better than being ignored...

Drac HATES being ignored. He's doing whatever he can to get a rise out of you and get back into your attention.

Keep staying dark B! He needs what's good for him, not what he wants. And what's good for him is to feel exactly what he's feeling right now. Don't let him escape that discomfort and nasty tasting medicine by paying attention to him.

You're doing really good at focusing properly on DSS, DD and you. Keep it up!

AMEN!!

Bugs, if HO was able to meet ALL of his needs -- he'd be long gone and never have looked back. He would be completely ambivilent towards you. The opposite of love is INDIFFERENCE.

You met needs. He still wants those met, even if he has to make you angry to engage. He's trying to pull you from withdrawal to conflict, hoping to regain intimacy.
Read the "stages of marriage".
He wants you back where he had you before -- meeting the needs the HO can't. He hasn't realized that having 2 women available to him isn't a PERMANENT STATE! He thinks he can manipulate you into a friendship thereby maintaining you meeting those needs.

Hey Bugsy,

My son, too, had anger issues when his father left home. I was told that many children manifest their pain with silence or anger. My son began pushing his friends, pushing them down, talking back, not listening, crying uncontrollably, and being highly disruptive, refused to act as part of the group, began soiling his pants, refused to do homework and activity sheets (which he LOVED before). Before all of this turmoil occurred, he listened, followed directions, cleaned up when directed, functioned VERY WELL in a group and rarely hit anyone else, unless they were having a normal kids fight.

Now, DS is doing pretty well. He's now just an annoying 5 year old, trying to gain control of everything, fighting me every step of the way. Normal behavior for a 5 yo. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I used to talk to my son all of the time in the car, in a very serious way, about his loss; DS was very receptive (at 3-4 years old!). Many school districts (counties) offer free professional counseling. It's a good idea to contact them first, so that the school will be made aware of your DSS struggles.

Mimi,



EXACTLY my thoughts! It really kind it got to me that he now WANTS me to do something he said not to do. What is up with that?? His was of being "nice"??

Lexx, you said

THIS is what I think I was WANTING to hear. Needing to hear, I think. You asked me earlier how my Love Bank was doing. I spent some time thinking about that today. It has taken almost nothing but withdrawls now since October of last year. Few deposits here & there, but not much.

Honestly, it it looked like he WAS totally ambivilent, my love bank would probably be EMPTY. If I didn't know what I have learned here, it would certainly FEEL empty but I would not realize what was really going on.

So, truth be told, I really to FEEL pretty good. Not so much for the fact that he's trying to draw me out (although I will admit to that giving me hope), but because I am continuing to focus on me, DD, and DSS. I know that no matter what Drac does or doesn't do, WE will continue on. We can/will find happiness in our lives, as we are doing right now.

Lots of bumps and humps in the road ahead, but we'll really be fine.

SL, I DO remember what you were going thru with your DS. I remember, as well, how perceptive your little guy is. I am SO glad he is doing well.

DSS is somewhat "fighting" the idea of counseling (that is Drace talking, too), but I am moving forward with getting in touch with the counselor this week.

Am going to go have the kids do a "fashion show" with the clothes I bought them for school. Maybe we'll go do some shopping, too!!

Thanks so much for the input. It did really help so much!

Oh, DD just told me that Drac informed her that HE will be picking up DSS here today. That is NOT how I put it in the schedule! SO, we will be outta here!!! I will take DSS home whether he likes it or not. Not sure what it is he doesn't want me to see over there. Probably has his motorcycle there. Like I give a crap! :_

Atta-girl bugs! Stick to the plan -- don't let his little messages get through if he's not using the right channels.
Its sorta like training him to behave in Plan B.
Do not respond, react, or acknowledge ANY communication that comes through an inappropriate channel.

I know its a relief to know that Plan B is annoying to him. I think that is why so many BS's allow breaches in the early days -- so that they have a way to know that its having an effect.

BUT, those little breaches delay Plan B. A true dark Plan B is where the WH has to come to terms with NOT getting all of their needs met. And the sooner that happens the better -- right???

I can't imagine a tougher age for this to happen to DSS.
Poor kiddo. Just when he is becoming interested in relationships and girls -- his dad completely blows it.
What a ROTTEN unspoken message on how to treat women and behave in a relationship.

Do whatever you can for that poor kid in terms of counseling. I'm sure Drac will not be on board with it, because it makes him admit that his behavior is responsible for DSS's problems. It interferes with that fantasy that everyone will be *better than ever* after tearing up the family.

Sheesh! What is this if it's not "sending messages through the kids" ????? Maybe you should document this.

I agree wholeheartedly with all that Lexx is telling ya..

Want to add this to your thinking so you will be prepared...

There is a GOOD chance that he will move in with the OW or try to spend as much time as possible with her..

It's hard to believe but that's actually A GOOD THING...GREAT, IN FACT...

He will be MISSING YOU..she will be pressured to meet ALL OF HIS NEEDS...24/7..she will fail..cause she will NOT BE YOU..she will LB, let her guard down, become more demanding..he will get a chance to see the REAL HER...the FANTASY is more likely to BURST...ALL GOOD STUFF...

So if you hear about this, don't let it get you down..as hard as that may be...it's not gonna be all lovey-dovey for them...

I used to think of them as leading this FUN-FILLED, EXCITING, ROMANTIC life while all the time their life became more MUNDANE, REAL AND BORING...my H found out she was "just like any other woman"..DUH.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Great work, Bugsy, on DODGING HIS EFFORTS to BREAK THROUGH THE B...

Fiat,

Oh it got better with the 'messages'. I took the kids school shopping. DSS made sure to tell me that Drac told HIM he would pick him up around 6 from the house.

So, I made sure we were on the way home and timed it to drop off DSS at the scheduled time, as it says in my PBL. While we were on the way home, drac called my phone. DSS had left his at my house when we went shopping. Drac alled it first. I had suspected this might happen, so my phone was on vibrate. Oops, we didn't hear it ring!

I dropped off DSS and Drac was not there. Why does he insist on picking him up when the schedule specifically states we each drop off on Sun at 6PM?!!

We had just pulled out of FIL's street and I saw a Durango like Drac's coming, but he did not see me. I turned to we would not pass each other.


DD asked to call him, on the way home,so I let her. He told her he was just pulling in the driveway, so I did the right thing in taking a different way! We would have passed him. She told him about shopping and I guess he asked her if she was going to school in our toWn!! [censored]! He knows she isn't. He was just fishing for info!!

DD and I went to pick up dinner and ice cream. As we were pulling out, Drac drove by us. I told DD we were going for a short drive. I had seen Drac spot us, he went down to the next place and I saw him turn around and I KNEW he was going to follow us.

We were gone an extra 20 minutes. Arrived home, no Drac, thank goodness.

How far do I have to go to avoid him??!!

Mimi,

I do suspect he is planning to move in with her. He mentioned to DSS about going to school in her town.

I realize the 'logic' of what you are saying. I just hope I can align my heart if/when the time would come.

I think the kids had fun shopping. DSS was hesitant, as he has no list of what he needs, as he even said he does not know where he is going to go to school. I told him not to worry, we'd get the basics that he will need no matter where he goes. He seemed to perk up as we got more things.

Gonna go eat some ice cream!

Drac called DD at about 20 min past the usual evening call time. She was in the tub. As they had talked 2 hrs prior, I did not expect another call.

I had her call him when she got out of the tub. After she told me that she told Daddy that we drove bt her school to see it 1 last time and to say goodbye. This is true, as we had talked earlier,,,after she talked to Drac the first time, I told her she would not be going to the same school this year, and that we had already talked about it. When I said we were going for a drive, she asked if we could go see her school one las time and say goodbye.

What a kid!

So, she then tells me after the last call that 'Daddy sounded like he was crying when he said goodbye. He was all quiet and then had to go real fast'

Is is possible that having to face the reality of HIS decisions is finally happening? Even if it is just facing not having DD right around the corner!?! He KNEW this was coming!!

What the heck?! Is he merely playing DD??

no - he's either having a momentary patch of clearing in the fog, or he's playing YOU - don't think about what he's thinking or realizing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />