Don't do this, Bugs.

Don't triangle your daughter into the relationship between you and Drac.

You can't possibly know what's going on with Drac based on the nature of his conversations with your daughter.

Try to stay out of their conversations.

This keeps you from being DARK by latching onto his JUNK ..your daughter, young as she is and hurt as she is, may be hearing it like she wants to hear or saying what she feels may be comforting to you. She will start doing the same with him..YUCK...

Don't let her start being a go between.

She will then begin to work on trying to get you two back together. It is too much for her.

I was in that position for years as a little girl and really paid the price for it..years in psychotherapy...years of trying TO FIX THINGS that were out of my control.

Focus on YOUR RELATIONSHIP with YOUR DAUGHTER..talk about that..

The only thing that matters with DRAC is for him to END HIS AFFAIR..PERIOD..

Otherwise, who in the heck can know what is going on with him...

ALl that is important to know is that he is still having an affair...whether he is crying or not...

SORRY...

Flashback of being in BUGS' SHOES...

Thanks for the replies! It is VERY hard not think about what he is thinking sometimes!

Mimi,

I never ask DD any questions about her conversations with Drac. But, when she comes to me and wants to talk about it, I think it is important to let her talk. I want her to be able to feel safe telling me anything, even if it is hard for me to hear. I do understand what you are saying and doing what I can to avoid what you are talking about

This am Drac called the house. DD was asleep and I did not answer. I did not even ck to see if there was a message.

I took my time getting ready so to mix up the time we were getting to the sitters. If he was leaving FIL's house as he called, he would have arrived there at my usual time.

I pulled in the sitters drive and he was turning around to pull out! I pulled where my car's backend was facing him. DD waved to him, I stared straight ahead. I saw in my mirror that he hesitated a lot approaching, behing, and then past the car. He even stopped. I backed out, again with the backend of my car facing him and went on to the sitters.

I was afraid he would be going to the house then and taking the satellite stuff. He didn't

Will he finally get that I am serious about this??

I agree that it is important for you to listen to her. However, you being the Mommy, you can make it clear to her that LISTENING is all that you can do. Just be careful that you don't try to INTERPRET the MEANING for her behind what her Daddy is saying or how he is saying it. Somehow, I think, you can make it clear that you are JUST LISTENING and let her know that neither YOU nor BUGS can FIX THIS. Let her know that it is up to DRAC to FIX THIS. ALL that the both of you can do is to LET GO AND LET GOD. His TEARS could mean absolutely nothing. Sadly, given that he is with the HO, he will go to her for comfort. Isn't that AWFUL? In PLAN B, it's the BOTTOM LINE..END THE AFFAIR. Simple but not easy. I used to tell my H that it only takes a minute..COLD TURKEY...



You can't control him, remember. Who knows if he will get it or not? You can only control yourself...so more work is necessary on patching up the holes.

Mimi,

Exactly right on with not interpreting things he says to her. I do my best to make sure that I do not do that. She will even ask me WHY questions - to which I tell her honestly, I do not know.

Both kids know that I do not see or talk to Daddy because it is hurtful to me. They both know the terms under which that would change. I have not dwelled on it, but have been completely honest.

I suppose you are right, that by asking the question about him understanding if I am serious, that I may be looking to control him. What I want, for the moment, is to avoid any conflict or contact. I want the peace I have begun to feel by disengaging from him.

I realize how hurtful the smallest of things are to me. The calls, the kid's comments, etc. As there are kids involved, a certain amount of this will always happen, but I want it to be as minimal as possible.

This Fri is a concert I had planned to take DD to see. If you remember, I bought tickets the day they went on sale and DD immediately called Drac to tell him. That is when I found out that he had already gotten tickets on a pre-sale.

DD told me she asked Daddy if it was OK for her to go to the concert with me, even though it is his weekend. He told her NO. He was taking her. She wants to go with me. But, I just assured her that she would have a great time going with Daddy.

I am not going to even bring it up to Drac. He likely expects me to break Plan B because of it,,,this is DD's favorite singer. But, it is not worth breaking Plan B AND asking would open the door to him being able to ask to change the schedule. I am not going to do that.

Counting down. 12 days to the move! 8 days until DD and I are in the house.

I want to make sure you know that I think that you are doing GREAT, WONDERFUL, SPECTACULAR!!

If it sounds like I'm being hard on you, I'm sorry.

You are hearing my DISGUST and ABHORENCE of AFFAIRS. I HATE this for CHILDREN and FAMILIES. So, I get OBSESSED with the desire to BUST AFFAIRS UP...My heart aches for your DD and DS....

Plus, I pray for you and others here to be as HAPPY AS ME...

The HAPPIER I am sometimes..the more FRUSTRATED I get sometimes when I come here...

So there...

Much love to ya..

Mimi

Mimi,

Having read and posted so much with you over these last 7 months, I think I know your intentions, which are always meant for good.

I may twinge from time to time, but that is ok. I would rather have direct, factual, input any day than have somone coddle me nicely and risk missing some important facts which might lead to my making some serious errors in judgement!

Nevertheless, thanks for claifying where you are coming from!

I had someonme listen to the message on the home phone for me. They said it sounded like an accidental dial. All they heard was road noise. Interesting because Drac has a flip phone that should not do that.

I know I am not supposed to wonder, but where the heck would he have been driving? The timing this am was such that it makes no sense. Only explainatiojn is one I REALLY don't want to thinkl about. That he and DSS spent night at the Ho's OR he left DSS w/ FIL. Which also means that DSS was alone after 3am, when FIL left for work!! THAT would just put me over the top!

How do I keep from thinking about that stuff? A better filter? As in the person who listened should have just said No message was left?

To keep on the right focus this morning I first called DSS's school and left a message for the counselor asking for an appt to discuss DSS. The counselor is out for today, so I hope to hear from him tomorrow

Next, I phoned the real estate agent to ck on when to transfer the utilities to my name. Left her a vm

Then I spoke w/my parents. Appraisal is done. Money is transfered to the right accounts, paperwork almost all done, and bank rep will be at the closing Friday am. All we have to do is be patient and show up on Friday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />:):):)

I then sent my A documentation to back my financial claims, copies of checks, credit card statements,etc. I included info on the satellite deal so that she can address it.

So, hard time not thinking, wondering about Drac, but trying to stay busy.

Staying busy certainly helps.

Keep searching to find activities that put you into THE FLOW..where you lose sense of time. You'd be surpised what will do it for you. Cross-stitching and gardening did it for me..but as soon as I STOPPED to MEDITATE the thoughts would come flooding in.."What's he doing now; What are they doing now?"..I understand, Bugs. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. It is so HARD, AWFUL and TRAUMATIC and you are doing as well as anyone could ever expect under the circumstances.

As an aside, go ahead and tell yourself that this is a GIVEN....HE IS BINGING ON HER RIGHT NOW AND THERE IS NO TELLING THE DEPTHS TO WHICH HE IS SINKING...My H told me that he went to the GATES OF HE!!..so all that you are saying about his care of your DSS may well be true. You will need to keep a close watch on the situation, particularly when your DD is in his care because parenting is certainly not his priority right now. The WS is like a COCAINE ADDICT. All he is thinking about is his next FIX. He has to sink low, low, to reach his bottom, Bugs. This is the ONLY WAY that he will chose to come back home. Good for RECOVERY of the MARRIAGE...AWFUL and RISKY for the children.

Decorating the house will keep you busy. Make it GIRLY, GIRLY!!!

Isn't AWFUL knowing that your WH is likely doing all of the horrible things you may be imagining?!?

Yet, by truly facing that as fact, it helps me in letting go, in that why would I want THIS kind of person in my life? Now, that being said, the same thing makes it HARDER to let go, as I have virtually NO choice in the fact that this kind of person continues to be in the lives of my children, and thus, a small part of mine. I do have to remain diligent and somewhat aware of what goes on in regards to keeping my kids safe.


I LOVE to garden, but I refuse to do any work at the house. I am saving my energy for my own place. Let Drac deal with the flower beds full of weeds!

I just have to stay busy for 7 more days and THEN can have full focus on MY house!

First order of business will be setting up my office, and then decorating DD's room. She has already said she wants it to be in a Cheetah Girls theme. Of course, I have found nothing available yet in that theme! Ha!

I can not wait for the vacation days I am taking for the move!

Plus, it is really HOT here. We can work hard and then relax & cool off in the pool!!

Yes, Bugsy.

That's how I coped with it. Eventually, I came to find it best to ACCEPT THE REALITY OF HIS DREADFULNESS AS A GIVEN and then to move on with what I could CONTROL and that was MYSELF and MY LIFE. I focused on what I could do DAILY to cope the best way that I could.

Thankfully, my son had the choice not to deal with him, being a teenager, driving and involved with his own friends as a SALVATION for him.

I didn't like what I heard about your daughter having to see them kiss. That is soo inappropriate. Who knows what else she sees? Like I said, keep a close check 'cause you might need to restrict the visitation in some way.

Back to the GOOD STUFF..THE HOUSE..that will be GREAT FUN for you two...

SHAKE THAT MAN OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!!!

"SHAKE IT OFF"... as Mariah (Carey) says...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well, he did it. DD and I turned on the tv and no satellite.

She asked what happened, so I told her. Needless to say she is not happy with Daddy. I made it no big deal, and let her pick a movie.

He does not see the damage is is doing to his kids. First the satellite thing and then the concert at the end of the week. It is just like dealing with another CHILD.

He's having a hissy fit and acting out with no regard for anyone else. He's just worried about getting HIS way.

NO...he's trying to break your Plan B. He is trying EVERYTHING to get you to respond.
You are not responding and he is going nuts.

Good job Bugs. I've been reading your thread daily since the beginning. I keep up with your sitch more than I do some of my closest friends.
And I pray for you...and for Drac too. That God will break Drac...and in time for the two of you to heal.

I would expect more attempts at an end run around your Fortress Plan B.
Stay strong and stay dark.

IAG,

First, thanks for the prayers! I will take all I can get!

I laughed to hear how you have been following my sitch!!

Well DD did her nightly call to Drac. Before she called she asked me if it was OK to ask Daddy about the tv. I said sure.

Apparently she did ask - as usual, I did not listen. She told me his answer was no answer. He said that ' you should talk to him'.

We didn't really discuss,as I do not want her acting as a go between. I just listened and said, oh and moved on.

Sooooo,,, if she interpreted what he said correctly, you are right on the money. If I don't talk to him he just does what he wants?

Funny, but when I DID talk to him he did what he wanted! Haha!

And who is putting DD in the middle? I guess I am in a way and I really do not want to do that. But, I am not going to talk to him.

Any suggestions to do anything differently? Or stay on course?

Bugsmom

I am in a dark Plan B too (though I am convinced in my sitch it is a direct throughfare to Plan D.) And I am decorating my house and making it very GIRLY--WH would HATE that!!

Hee hee..

snartiepants

Bugs:

I believe drac and my husband may have grown up together. The are so controling of us. It is funny that when you are in it you don't see it, but as you are backed away and looking in it is as bright as day.

He gets mad and upset because he knows he can't control you anymore. You are doing what you want and he will have to pay.

Hope you think like me though, we will have to get our husbands tested a couple of times before they can have their cake at home.

I only hope I can do as well as you are. You are a strong person and I know this will work out .

I don't think it's about CONTROL as much as wanting TO EAT CAKE...

Smartie,

Well, I have yet to decide how to decorate my New house, but it is going to keep me busy.

Hope your sitch works out. No matter what, take care of you!

INeed,

It is hard to see thing clearly while in the thick of things. That is one of the things I love about being on this board, getting outside opinions from folks, especially those who have been through this and are knowledgable in MB principles.

Mimi,

You know I continue to struggle with understanding the idea of it being cake eating vs control or even punishment.

I took my HN/HN book home I wanted to go back and read more about being in conflict.

Is THAT what you are talking about? That by engaging me in conflict, that in some strange way meets some of his needs? What need would that meet?

Bugs - still here with you in darkness.

Still doing mah-ve-lous <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

IAPBS,

Hey you Plan B Stud!


Love the new name!

Just catching up with you bugsy!
And giggling my a$$ off!

He's chasing you all over town, sending messages through the kids, calling your phone, text messaging you, shutting off your TV service -- whats next? How are the lightbulbs?

Really? This strikes you as a man "happy" with Plan B?

You aren't dark enough. Maybe the move will end the sightings he is desperate to get. The kids are your Plan B weakness right now. They just don't understand, poor kids.

You're doing awesome. When I say you're not dark enough I am not blaming you or saying you aren't doing what you can. Its just that he is frantic to get around Plan B. For someone that desperate, its hard to be perfect! You are doing a fabulous job!