At least you don't have long until you move! You'll just have to be creative with other diversions for you and DD.

What a weasel he is!!

In agreement with Lexx, he is trying anything he can to LURE YOU out of PLAN B.

He wants HIS CAKE and EAT IT, TOO.

Rather than give up the OW and come to you himself, begging and pleading, he wants YOU to come to HIM and to say it's OK to be in the THREESOME.

He NEEDS you to meet certain NEEDS and her to MEET OTHERS. He is learning all too quickly that SHE CANNOT MEET ALL OF HIS NEEDS..BUT..he has not SUFFERED enough in order to make the decision to GIVE HER UP...

He still thinks that he can still pull you out into PLAYING HIS GAME of having the BOTH OF YOU, having you still THERE as his FRIEND and CONFIDANTE...

I know the MO of the CAKE-EATER all too well, unfortunately...

Highlighted in pink on p.168 of my edition of HNHN



I bet I couldn't tell you how many times I read this passage..

I read it over and over again....

To keep be vigilant about PLAN B...

Mimi touched on this earlier.

As painful and crazy as this sounds -- the more HO the better!

You suspect he might be moving in with her -- GREAT!
He's spending nights with her -- GREAT!

Because the more he sees her, the more he will see that she is NOT ENOUGH. Not only does she have to compensate for the loss of BUGS, but he will come to expect MORE than that from her.

He has given up so much for her. He has lost the respect of friends and family. He's become isolated (not getting invited to family outings....disapproval everywhere....)
He is also losing financially.

Here is where OM and I started getting into a HUGE struggle.
Each step I took in dismantling increased my expectations of him.

I was a married woman expecting FIDELITY from a single man!

And he was a single man using that status to make me jealous as a way to manipulate me into moving faster!

I was dragging my feet because I was uncertain of him. And he kept on making me more uncertain because I couldn't trust him (I know, roll your eyes!) It was just a ridiculous situation!

That's where Drac is now. You already know there are cracks and fissures in their relationship. HO will think she is winning. She will let her guard down. She will stop performing. And yet NOW is when Drac is expecting her BEST.

HA. The more of that the better!

Ok, this all does seem Strange to me, but I see where it 'makes sense". It's not a natural jump for me, but I'm working on it.

Thanks for the GREAT explanations and clarifications. These posts have really, really helped me today. They have also INSPIRED me to remain as dark as possible. Obviously, rooting for more "Ho" time goes against the grain, but with the above information, I see where I should be viewing it as a "good thing" for now. OUCH, it hurts to say it, but I am "getting" it.

The experience you both have had in this gives me such valuable insight. What a crazy concept it is! It does require me to really, really firm up my own self esteem. I HAVE to know for myself, in my heart & soul, that she Can Not replace me. It's one thing to read it on paper (BTW- that page is getting my highlighter tonight!); it's another thing to Believe it myself and hold onto that for a strong Plan B.

Your posts also help me to see even more, the value of Letting Go. They can't fail if I don't let go. The more I stay engaged, the more I am potentially "helping" their relationship. Again, counter intuitive, but am starting to better understand. And, if they somehow continue to hold on, the more I've let go, the easier it will be for me to move on when the time comes. OR, let's say they fail and Drac still chooses not to return, I will be at a better place for that. Honestly, that is one of my biggest fears, that they will break up and he will not return

Of course, this has been one of Drac's statements to me, so I have let it take root. Not sure how to excise that thought/fear yet.

I am just going to try to stay focused in the present and continue to turn the rest over to God.

Thanks for helping me continue to learn, to strech, to reach for something better!

Drac is highly invested on you "getting over him".
If you reach a point of not caring about what he does, then its that much easier for him to pretend no one was harmed.

That is why you will hear "even if I am not with her, I will not be with you." Because he wants you to believe it.

Words. Just words, cuz lets look at his ACTIONS. When he and HO "broke up" who was he sleeping with? Enough said.

Your greatest fear is them breaking up and him not returning? Really? What is scary about that?

My greatest fear for you is that your life will be great, and then this ratty, smelly, broken, ol Drac will reappear and want back in!!!

Ohh Lexxxy,,,,,,,,,,


I think I am probably like most BSs, in that going into Plan B, we do worry that the WS takes it as a sign that we have "gotten over them" despite our every effort to show and tell them the purpose of Plan B being about preservation of the love we still have for them. We worry that WS does take it as carte blanche to do whatever they want with the "approval" or at least without the interference of their BS. It's a scary prospect for a BS, but I DO GET that it is necessary. Just not EASY!!

I KNOW, I KNOW, STOP thinking about what HE is thinking or not thinking!! I AM trying! REALLY I am!

You KNOW that of course my life is going to be GREAT!! And I do not want a ratty, smelly, broken ol' Drac,,,,,,,,,,,I want my H back. Nothing less will ever do!

I just put in my online application for power and gas service

I have an appointment with the public works dept to set up the water, sewer and trash service.

Am going on line tonight to get some coupons on my cable/internet/phone service and will have that completed tonight as well.

63 hours until the closing!!

135 hours until current owners are OUT!

169 hours until DD and me are there to spend our first night!

265 hours until it is even DARKER with me and DD permanently moved!

Woooooo Hoooooo! Love the HOUR version of the countdown!


He never did sign the waiver, did he? Yet another way he was hoping to coax you out of darkness! Or maybe INTO darkness since he is DRAC!!! He hates having you stand in your brilliant lightness!

Bugs, by the way I know this all seems counter-intuitive, but you get it. Way easier than most BW's. And you've remained consistant and true to the MB plans.

I award you mega-points! Since you are a points kinda gal...

Bugs, I heard the EXACT same thing. Hurt to the core at the time (cause I didn't know better!). But Lex is right, they were just words. His actions say different, just like my FWH did.

So don't let those silly ole words from the past hurt you today and make you afraid. They have NO POWER. They are EMPTY.

You're doing great-- otherwise DRAC wouldn't be stumbling all over himself to get your attention.

Thanks Lexxx & Meggy!

You know, I worry sometime that 'getting it' may mean that my love bank is empty. But then I imagine how I would feel if a truly broken, humble, and repentant H walked in the door. Hpw would I feel?

Suspicious? Scared? Worried about the long hard road to recovery? Yes to all of that! But, I would also so LOVE to feel his arms around me and to hear him profess his love for me.

So, as long as I have that, I know where I stand.

Also, the fact that I do fear him never doing that.

Good point about the waiver, Lexx! I had not thought of that as an attempt to draw me out. It is hard for ME to see these games as attempts to draw me out vs every other option.

Today has helped me start to see this differently, but as you also pointed out it does feel counter intuitive.

DD and I are having picnic/movie night in my room.

Oh yeah, I also stopped on the way home and took care of renting the moving truck!!

Later!

Bugs,
I am sooo proud of you. I referred Tami from the Recovery thread over to read your Plan A thread and also Plan B as I think she will most likely need it. She can't get her WH to agree to NC.

Anyway, you're doing terrific!!!
Only 2 things can happen.

1. Drac eventually defogs and becomes H again, or

2. Bugs moves on and lives a happy, fulfilling life without the tainted Drac and all the turmoil.

I just wanted to tell you about "Letting Go", by Dr. Zev Wanderer. When and if you are ready, it is a good read. It really helped me when I was seperated.

It helped me detatch somewhat from my WH and the pain his entitlment attitude was causing me. Once I felt "OK, I can't control him, his actions, his feelings, so all I can do is worry about me & my children.

I thought letting go would be the best thing for me at that point my health was suffering due to lack of sleep, the inability to eat and all the stress. And just deciding that did release a bit of that. I guess it kinda helped me do a half a$$ Plan B, as I wasn't lucky enough to know about MB yet.
Just food for thought. Lots of love & luck to you!!!

Hey Jaded!

I hope my thread can help someone else! Thanks so much for the kind words, the encouragement and the book recommendation,

It just keeps getting better and better here in PlanB.

The phone rang earlier and caller I.D.said no data so I figured it was a telemarketer. It wasn't til DD said the answering machine was blinking that I knew something was up.

No caller I.D. No voice mail. No call waiting. NO LONG DISTANCE SERVICE.

Drac sure is pushing hard. The only response I had to this was laughter and will be forwarding the email I sent him back in April offering to pay the bill to my attorney along with the details of this latest stunt so we have it for court.

He had to Specifically ask to remove all of these services as we had a bundled package of services!

As if I am going to break Plan B for this! Although not having long distance bothers me as my family is ALL long distance. Good thing I have a cell.

Bugs, I can so identify with these feelings. It's the same way I feel about WW, just hoping that the light will come on and W will appear.

Good morning, all!

IAPBS,
I hear you! I have been working hard to remember that the only one with the power to flip that light switch is our WS. We have run the wiring, we hooked up the switch, we have connected and checked the power source (Plan A), but only THEY can turn it on. In the meantime, we are free to go to other rooms and places of light. It is important that we keep in the light elsewhere and avoid depression! While to the WS, we are totally dark where they can not see us UNTIL they choose to flip that switch.

I just sat down at work and it dawned on me how thankful I am to everyone here and to God for the help and strength I have been given thru these last 10 months. One of my passwords at work right now is Blessed07. Despite the trials, I do feel blessed.

Really, think about it. If 10 months ago had Drac turned off the satellite, switched off caller, id, vm, call waiting, and long distance service I would have COMPLETELY lost it! Today, it's just another fact of life. I don't like it. I think it is amazingly selfish, intentionally cruel, and terribly manipulative on his part. Yet, what REAL effect does it have on MY life? None. It is inconvenient. Just like having a traffic detour. It is can be a PAIN in the a$$, but now that I know it's there, I can avoid any delays in the future AND it does not keep me from reaching my intended destination.

On the flip side, what does it mean for Drac? I'm not sure, but having read here about other WH, I'd make a guess that it has to be a bit Frustrating. He's done something that he thinks gives him power. It helps him "satisfy" the Ho, telling her how he is no longer "supporting" me on those things, making himself more dedicated to her?? Perhaps this was a demand she made?? He likely believes it will hurt me or anger me in some way. He is waiting for an angry outburst from me. Old Bugs would have done that.

But alas, Drac still doesn't understand who he is dealing with. I am New Bugs. The one with all of the wonderful qualities of the wife he knew & loved, combined with all kinds of new learning, new attitude, new feelings, new skills, and a PLAN for life.

Lexxxy, your post yesterday reminded me of a song, "My Future's so Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades"! Diva shades, of course!

So, am I on the right track here? Anyone have a differing thought on this or does it make sense??

another great analogy - so vivid, so perfect. Thanks for sharing that.

You are AWESOME, MARVELOUS!

You have SOOOO GOT IT!!!

IF this is the case (and you really don't care, right?) but just for fun imagine this convo:

HO: (evil wicked grin) So... what'd Bugs do when she found out about the satellite?

DRAC: Nothing.

HO: (perplexed frown to evil wicked grin) What do you mean nothing? I bet she's PO'd. What'd she do when she found about the phone?

DRAC: Nothing! Why don't you just leave me alone about Bugs.

HO: (Silence. Angry frown.) What'd I say?!? What are you hiding?! Why won't you tell me what happened?!?

DRAC: (Muttering under his breath) This is getting old and what the he$$ is wrong with Bugs.

IPBS,

Thanks - I have been feeling rather reflective and trying to figure out ways in my head to better visualize and understand Plan B.

Plan A, while often counter intuitive, was much easier for me. DOING something came much easier than letting go. I am continually working on letting go, accepting, trying to concentrate on doing for ME, while not wondering what Drac is doing, what is he thinking, what will he think, etc. Hard hard hard!!

Mimi,

Thanks! Now, just help me keep on the path! I almost feel like a recovering addict who is finishing the 12 step program! I am not well versed in it, but am enough to know this is the Plan best for my life.

The temptation is there every second of every day to want to engage.

To pick up the phone, send an email, write a letter, cry my eyes out, beg him to come back, go beat the snot out of OW!

But the temptation becomes less and less every day!

Or better yet, Meggy, he probably wishes he had SOMETHING to talk to her about...That's what he's yearning for, probably...CONVERSATION...

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