Good morning!

INeed,

You are right, patience is the key. I will be dark,,even darker now that I am away,,,,but it hasn't been easy with the move. In fact, I've had to communicate with Drac more in the last week than I have since going to Plan B.

I will be dark, and patient, but not an ostrich. To me, an ostrich is one that sticks it's head in the sand to avoid what IS. I need to be dark, but VERY much dealing with what IS at the same time. So, I'll have to come up with another anology that works for me. Maybe a catapillar,,,,in a dark cocoon,,, waiting to emerge a beautiful butterfly!

Smartie,

You are right, when the implosion comes, I don't need to be close enough to get splattered with debris! Lol!
Thanks for the prayers and encouragement!

So, let me back up to Friday. TM to Drac asking for DSS's football practice/game schedule. TM back stating that Drac does not have a schedule yet, but that practice will be getting over between 4:30 and 5:30. So, I get DD off the bus and hit the road, as we needed to leave right away to get to DSS's school by 4:30. On the way, VOICE MAIL from Drac again stating the times and asking if I was getting him or if HE needed to go pick him up. I TM - "I will get DSS" I dropped Mom & DD off at the house and headed to the football field, right on time.

I sit down in the bleachers to watch practice, ANOTHER TM from Drac, "Any word on DSS?". I replied "Practicing" He replies "Please have him call me after".

Practices goes til 5:30. DSS is SO EXCITED. He LOVED it!! We chat in the car like crazy about how much he likes it, how he needs to study up on the game, etc. GREAT NEWS - - All of the kids that try out make the team!! I am SO Thrilled for him! I think it's going to be a great experience. He gets out his phone and wants to call Drac, while I don't want to listen to the call in the car, I tell him OK, as he's so anxious to tell him all about the practice.

He calls Drac and has pretty much the same convo that he had with me. Drac asks him to ask me if we are going to the cousin's bday party the next day. I nod. He then is asking DSS about where are we? Where are we going? Where are we staying? Where is DD? Guess he was just anxious to get in the house?? Whatever.

So, we go to the house, get some dinner for the kids. Mom & I get started finishing the packing. I let the kids stay up and my Sis from another state arrives to help. Kids fall out to sleep about 10pm. We stay up packing until 12:30. I can't sleep and am up until 3am. Back up at 6 to get finished.

BIL, Bro miss the an exit to my house! LOTs of laughs and fun!! Sis and I pick up UHaul truck and get get started loading. Midmorning DD and DSS go to Aunt's house and will go with them to the birthday party, which worked out Perfect! We finish loading the truck. Sis, BIL, and Bro head out to new house. Mom & I finish up at the house at just the right time to head to the party to make an appearance and get the kids.

I left a bottle of wine on top of the wine rack that we had specially labeled "To Celebrate the Wedding of Drac and Bugs". I left an album of pics of our family on the desk. I left a stack of pics of our family in the bedroom beside his honeymoon t-shirt. I left a family wedding pic on the wall, and Mom,,,, God Bless her,,, left a book that we got for our wedding "A Promise of Forever", on the back of the toilet!

Walking out that door was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Mom had walked outside to give me time alone. I stood holding on to the front door and just broke down. It took a while, but I finally pulled it together and walked out the door. Outside, Mom was crying too. We sat in the car and cried, eventually pulling out. I went for a brief drive to pull myself together before heading to the party to get the kids,,,,, I KNEW that Drac was going to be there and did NOT want to go.

Got to the party, Mom at my side, and walked up. It was at a park, which was a good thing. We got there just in time to see her eat her birthday cake,,,,,,,,,,she's just now 1, so it was VERY special. I went around and said hello to everyone. Lots of hugs and kisses from all. Mom recv'd a very warm reception as well. We stayed for cake. I took lots of great pics. When kids finished with cake, we got ready to leave. Again, VERY HARD! I started to cry. His ENTIRE family were so sweet. Telling me to take care, we love you, keep in touch, got an invite to another bday party next month, lots of them telling me to call if we need anything, and that we will ALWAYS be family. I made it out before breaking down completely.

Got in the car and lost it in front of the kids. Not terrible, but was really crying. DD asked me what was wrong and I told her I was sad. Mom was great. I was so glad she was there with me.

Not ONCE did I look at Drac or speak to him. Neither did my Mom. My mom even told Drac's dad that she wasn't going to speak to Drac, and he said, "That's OK babe, you don't need to or have to, I understand" FIL was visibly upset when I left. No one seemed to be having anything to do with Drac that I could tell, but again, I wasn't looking at him.

We got to the new house and got everything inside and collapsed! Kids swam in the pool with Sis. I took back the truck, picked up some clothes for DSS as we forgot his stack of clothes, I also bought him cleats for football as he had asked, and brought home some KFC for dinner. Kids talked to Drac at bedtime and we all fell asleep early & exhausted.

Drac did have DSS ask me if I am taking him home today or if Drac needs to pick him up. I said I didn't know. Guess I'll need to send tm on that later. My plan is that I will take him home.

I am still exhausted with tons to do,,, so should not be here typing this now!! he he!

I know the interaction with Drac isn't the darkness I hoped for, but really could not be helped in the situation. DSS should have his schedule tomorrow so we can be better prepared moving forward. I should be able to stay very dark for the next few weeks.

I do not have to go to court tomorrow. The A's will get an extention to do the settlement paperwork and then that too, will be finished. I can't "go there" right now in my mind. I will ck back later if I have the energy!

Bugs,

I've not ever posted to you but have been following your thread. I'm not trying to come across as harsh, please don't take it that way, because you are doing a great job but as a FWS I see a big hole you created.

From what I can see Drac is getting his "fix" of you. I thought you blocked TM on your phone. How are you able to text back and forth with him? Any contact regardless how small and meaningless it seems to you is huge to him. It gives him relief that he can still get you to respond some how, some way.

Plan B is scary as heck from the WS POV. My DH never had to do Plan B on me, but the total loss of control is what causes the WS's head to spin, (IMO anyway). From what I can see, his head isn't spinning fast enough yet for him to realize what he is doing.

You are dark, but he still is seeing some light. I also know it has to be hard, but you have to be dark and stay dark. He will play all the games he can with you, you have to ignore all of them no matter how difficult.

I understand why you would go to the party, but IMO that was a mistake. You should have sent your mom to get the kids. I would also say he expected you would be there, again getting his "fix." It would have sent a very powerful message had you not gone. Does what I'm saying make sense?

In WS fantasyland he THINKS you came to the party to see him, he thinks you are texting him to talk to him (for him it's not about your children, it's all about him.) Everything you do he perceives it to be all about him, that is how the typical WS mind works.

I hope I'm not coming across as being harsh and I hope you think about what I've said.

He's clinging to all thh bits of light you keep giving him and that gives him a sense of control.

LC

Glad you got though everything yesterday. Sounds like it was tough. (((HUGS)))
Enjoy your new home. Your family sounds wonderful, glad they were there to share the day with you.

How are you going to re-establish Plan B?

LC,

I didn't think your post was harsh at all. I went to the party only to have the chance to say Goodbye to family members, many that I won't see or talk to until the holidays. Yes, I could call them or send them cards, so I own the choice I made to go, knowing he would be there. I realize he got a "fix" of me, so to speak. But he also got (IMO), a dose of "You are an A-hole" from his family right in front of his face.

I DID have TM turned off on my phone. I ordered a new phone last week and apparently it was turned back on. He can also email to my Blackberry. As we both work for the same company, I can not turn that off or block him there. I figured with the sitch the way it was, TM was better than talking or VM.

My plan to go back to dark as possible is to have one last communication with him spelling out in detail the kid schedule with the new living arrangements, so that there are no questions that he would need to ask me.

TM will be shut off on the phone again tomorrow. I will not respond to any further messages unless they are emergency matters with the kids.

Remember, he THOUGHT he had control by blocking me from BUYING my house. He didn't sign, but I got the house anyway. I thinks he will continue to get to me by having the kids ask questions when they are on the phone with him - - NO MORE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

What else am I missing? PLEASE feel free to point out other loop holes or make suggestions!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It was a TOUGH day. I am exhaused today, so am not doing much at all.

My family is the BEST! I am so blessed to have them!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Bugs, you are just not in Plan B. You do not have to participate in message passing with the kids. Just because your husband asks, doesn't mean you answer. Stop it.

You should NOT have gone to the party. That was a flat out attempt to shame Drac.

Plan B is NOT licensce to Lovebust, which is what you did.

If you have to communicate - post a calendar online.

Yahoo, Google, there are calendaring services where you could just post your schedule and where Drac can check.

There is way too much back and forth.

You need an intermediary.

Plan B modified simply becomes Plan Lovebust and Plan Lovedrain.

BR,

Ok, help me out here a bit.



Drac knew that the kids and I were going to be at this party. He knew that it would be my chance to say goodbye to the family. YES, I was glad that he had to witness a part of the breaking up of our 'family', but why is my attending this party at all a LB?



I was not aware of this and LOVE the idea. I will check it out. This sounds like the perfect solution to the kid schedule matters. That is really the only opening I've had on the communication. Shutting that down will shut down all communication.


I don't disagree with you on this at all.
Currently on vacation until next Monday.

Bugs,

The first thing I want to do is send you a big cyberhug because you deserve it. I can't even imagine having to do plan B on someone.


Unfortunately it means something different to a WS than to someone who "gets it". Most likely he didn't see what you think he saw. The only thing he saw was that you needed to see him. Now that probably isn't true, but in the selfish, WS mind that is probably what he saw.

With every encounter you have with him envisions what a selfish person would do or how they would feel, not what you would do or how you would feel. Remember he thinks everything is about him.

Of course I can only tell you things based on my experience, but I was very text book. If your WS is text book then I would say this would be fairly close to what's going on in his head.

Edited to add: You gave him something to talk about with the OW. Conversation could go something like this.

Drac: OMG you won't believe what Bugs did at the party. First off, she was so distraught when she saw me that she couldn't even look at me. Then she went around hugging and kissing everyone like she was never going to see them again as long as she lives. (eye roll)

OW (hee, hee)

See how your version and his can be 180 apart?

LC

Heres the thing.

Plan B is a boundary.

Boundaries are the responsbility of the individual drawing the boundary.

It is not up to Drac to respect your boundary.

It is up to you to maintain it.

You did not *have* to attend a party held by his family - you could have found plenty of other ways to say goodbye to his fmaily, ways in which your husband wasn't involved.

I said this to Sis and I'll say it to you...

The danger for a BS in Plan B, is that the BS rationalizes and justifies contact with the WS. The real motivation behind these incidents are not innocent...

Anytime you gain at your spouse's expense....you are lovebusting.

This was an attempt to straighten him out, manipulate his family into pressuring him, force him to see things your way...

If your intermediary is not available....get a stand in.

Don't use that as an excuse for contact or use your children.

LC & BR,

Thanks! This helps me see it much better. So, Ok, should have skipped the party. Nothing I can do about that now, other than move back to darkness.

LC, I can TOTALLY see that conversation happening. Thanks for the insight there. After I read it, I felt like saying DUH to myself!

BR when you said -


YEP, you are right. That's pretty much what I did. DUH again to myself!

I guess it was just that this seems like THE END and I allowed my pain and desire to have him feel some or acknowledge the pain he has caused to drive my actions. I want so bad to have him admit in some way that he is wrong and to show that the loving, caring, H he used to be is still inside there somewhere.

I know,,,, expecatations I should not have of WS.

Yesterday Drac did call DSS about if I was taking DSS home or if he was coming to get him. I'd told DSS I was taking him home. I guess Drac mentioned something to DSS about meeting 1/2 way - - -is that about controlling me/the situation or was he being nice? I don't know??

Anyway, we left early and went out for a nice dinner. We had a great time. Drac was moving back into OUR house today apparently. I took DSS there and his car was parked in MY spot. OUCH! I was relieved that the HO's car wasn't there. I pulled in and turned around so that his car blocked the view of mine from the front door. He could not see me.

DD wanted to go in to say hi, so I let her. She came back out with a door stop that belonged to me. She also told me that Daddy said we could take both cats. I'd told her we were leaving the cats because one belonged to Daddy and one to me and I didn't want to split them up. The truth is I don't want them. Too much work & too much Hair!! One is a white persian,,tired of white cat hair on all my clothes!

She said the kitten that Drac had gotten while at FIL's really likes his new house but the 2 current cats don't like him. Now Drac has 3 cats to take care of! Not my problem.

I am going to ck out those calendar services that you mentioned, BR. I will let Drac know the new schedule and that we will use the calendar for updates. That should totally shut down any interaction unless there is an emergency.

The rest of my day will be spent trying to put some order into my new home. Raining and yucky outside, so won't get in any pool time, but that is probably a good thing. No temptation to just lay out there all day when I should be working.

AND, I have to find some after school care of DD. No luck yet. Keeping my fingers crossed to find something today. Family can help out for a while, but not long term.

Any other suggestions on shutting down the interaction is always welcome.

Sounds like things are moving along in your direction too!

The school doesn't have after-care? Does your parents know someone?

Good luck with that!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Keep smiling!

Bugs:

Some of this Plan B stuff will get easier.

I am glad that BR expanded on why the party was a LB. I didn't see it that way at first, but she made it clear...

Your efforts at Plan B status will get alot easier now that you are in YOUR new home.

Good luck with the childcare for DD. Kinda late in the game for it right now, so you have your work cut out for you.

LG

Well, blessings keep coming my way! School has latch key program and they have openings! She will start Wed, but I do have to inform/request agreement from Drac, but I expext no issues.

Intermed. logged in while out of town and let me know Drac sent a pleasant email last Thurs. apologizing for bringing DD home late and asking if 8 pm would be better to have her home than 8:30 so we can go over school stuff and get ready for bed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />I was suprised. Told her to reply 8 pm would be better and to include it in the info/request on latch key program.

Am running out to get her signed up right now!

gREAT, DON'T YOU LOVE WHEN A plan works out!

AWESOME!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

Wasn't it the A Team where the one guy always said, "I love it when a plan comes together?" Gee, hate to admit I watched that show! LOL!

Drac agreed to the latch key with no problem. Although he wants me to have them bill him every other month and send a bill to our old house?? DUH! Apparently it's been so long since he's paid daycare (I always paid), that he doesn't know you pay each week in ADVANCE. He just doesn't want to have to pay ME. Whatever.

Apparently he also offered to meet me 1/2 way on the Sundays that I return DSS to his house OR if I am too "uncomfortable" meeting him, his Dad will meet me. Well, I am not doing that. While it seems like a nice offer, it puts me at his mercy, so to speak. This is a man that is never on time, unless it is for work. I won't sit around a parking lot or a McDonald's waiting on him. I will take DSS to the house. He can go in by himself if Drac is not there.

I am calling DSS's football coach myself to get his practice schedule and I downloaded the game schedule from the website. So, I'll have that covered without any communication with Drac.

Today am working more on the house, last day of vacation. Dad is coming to help me hook up washer and dryer sometime today. Guess I'd better get off here before he arrives,,,,

LMAO...I watched it too, with my SD growing up!


Well, it sure does sound like you have everything together...and what did you have Drac around for? LMAO...

Just trying to get a smile this morning...

You're awesome!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Rin!

I just "sound" like I have it all together! I am one of those people that figure if I can ACT like it, it will eventually be true! ha LOL!

It's been a while,,,, so don't get me started on what I had Drac around for,,,let's keep it clean!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I had Drac notified that tonight is Meet the Teacher night for DD’s school. He would have known himself had he #1 read the sign outside of the school when he picked her up and #2 if he had gone through her backpack when he picked her up last week.

Should I have done that or should I have let it rest on him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well, it’s done. He can’t make it as DSS has football practice & he can’t find someone to get DSS “on such short notice”. He wants me to find out if they have a ‘mailing list’ and have him put on it! Not gonna do it. That is HIS responsibility, right? Am not even going to have a reply sent to him on that.

I have to get DARKER. This is really draining me. I did find a calendar service yesterday and am figuring out how to use it so then I can notify Drac and end the communication on the kids.

Dad hooked up washer and dryer this am. Have laundry going now, am going to finish up getting DD’s paperwork in for latch key and may run to the store for a bit. Frankly, I am looking at piles of clothes that need to be put away and am avoiding it! Kitchen, living room and bathrooms are all organized. Am down to the bedrooms and am running out of steam! Maybe I’ll get some put away to finish out this week and take the afternoon off and go for a swim!

My niece is coming over to watch DD while I go to the school tonight, so I HAVE to clean the pool,,,, right?? It’s so great to have family so close and have a flexible life!

Later!

Bugs,

I'm still keeping up. I have to agree with everyone else... You are not DARK enough!!! Let Drac take care of himself. You cannot continue to be there making sure he keeps up with his children's lives. It is his responsibility now. That's what he thinks he wants right! So let him have it. Let the HO take care of him now. How is he supposed to figure out that the HO can't take your place if you're still there behind the scenes taking care of business?

Ask yourself this, "is what I'm about to do going to bring me closer to my goal?"

That's what helped me keep things in perspective throughout plan A and plan B. It helped me stop whatever I was about to do or say and think about it in terms of consequences/out comes.

Overall, you still sound great and very strong. Keep it up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LMAO...same way here, at least that's what i've been taught! HERE!

I agree, let him find his way...enough enabling! I'm not calling POWS about Open house for either of the boys...he wants to know, he can ask the HN1...

Hey Daze!

Thanks for stopping by. I am struggling so much with Plan B!! I'll take all of the advice I can get.

So, here's a dilemma for everyone to throw in their 2 cents.

Drac sent message. Apparently it said he needs to get DD from SCHOOL tomorrow - - - it is supposed to be her FIRST day of latch key tomorrow.

Also, he needs to drop her off by 6pm as he is taking the Children First program at 7pm - -- That's the class needed to finalize our D.

So, what kind of response do I have sent back? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Here's what I am thinking -

Bugs asks that you pick up DD from latchkey as all has been set for her first day and it would cause great confusion, especially for her to make a change now in the agreed upon plan.

You will need to make arrangements to return DD to Bugs home at 8pm, as Bugs will not be home by 6pm.


It's NOT my problem, right? He was SO insistent on getting HIS visitation each week as "per the parenting plan". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I, in fact, planned to work late tomorrow, as it will be my first day back from vacation. I truly did not plan to be home until late.

Please help with a GREAT PLAN B response!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

HELP HELP HELP!

Drac is trying to step all over my boundaries and I need advice on how to best enforce them.

Last night I called DSS to just check in with him on how football was going. We had a great talk. I was on my way home from DD's open house. He asked if DD was there to talk to her, I told him no she's not here right now.

2 seconds later, Drac calls the cell phone, I didn't answer. When I got home and got things settled, DD called him. She told me he asked her when Mommy plans to answer his email message about tomorrow??!! UGH

I had him informed that it would be best to pick up DD from latchkey, it's only going to be 20-30 minutes later than picking her up directly from school, and will be much less confusing for her. Also, that due to work I would not be home for him to drop her at 6pm. He should drop her at 8 pm as agreed.

This am, he sent a reply. He agreed that picking her up from latch key would be best for her, but then said something about "but" the class being mandatory for us. He HAS to take this one tonight as the next one is not until the end of the month.

SO what???? Is he just further rubbing in my face that the D is going through and he just can't wait??

He CAN take her with him, they offer childcare, but she won't be home until after 9pm!! On a school night!!!

I am so MAD!

I WANT to respond, but know I can't MAKE him do the right thing, and trying to point out the right thing will get me nowhere.

So, do I even have a response sent??

Do I make arrangements for someone to be at my house at 6pm??

I am so torn between doing what is BEST for DD, and letting Him have to be responsible for himself and all that goes with it. The problem is that DD will be paying the Price of HIS selfishness!!

WHAT DO I DO??????

I picked up vm's from my cell and forgot one was his from last night. In his HATEFUL voice he says 'I KNOW you have your phone, you just talked to DSS. I want to talk to DD!! Have her call me!'
BIG mistake listening to it, I know. It is NOT helping me and is just knotting up my guts!