Bugs:

Here is an example of how persistant praying brings about answers from God.


This is a message that God gave my friend at work to give to me.

He told her to give me Zecharia - chapter 9 vs 12, but you always read the verse before as well.

11 As for you also, because of
(J) the blood of my covenant with you,
(K) I will set your prisoners
(L) from the waterless pit.

12 Return to your stronghold,
(M) O prisoners of hope; today I declare that
(N) I will restore to you double.


THen he told her to tell me to read the last chapter of Job. It is amazing because it is the exact way I have been reading.


I have been praying strongly that the lord would release Bill from the prison that Satan has him in. I have been praying for him to repent of his sins, for the blinders to be removed from his eyes, for his ears to be able to hear the Lord's calling, and for his heart to be softened to the point that he wants to respond.

I'm not sure exactly what God is trying to tell me here, but I know that it is an answer to some of my prayers.

Isn't he wonderful ????

Maybe you could explain to DD that this is a new start for all of you. And that if Drac would decided to come home then this could be a wonderful new start for the entire family. That sometimes memories of old can stir up trouble and this gives all of you a clean chalkboard to start out on.

Stress the good parts, the pool. New friends. Now she has more friends then she's ever had, because she has the old friends and the new friends.

Let her know that you miss the old house as well, but for you to be healthy you needed to let some of the old memories go.

Hopefully that will help her understand.

Bugs:

Remember, you would not be in THIS house if DRAC didn't decide to leave the OTHER house.

Do not be afaid to tell DD this. "Daddy moved out and then Mommy decided it was time to make a life for DD and Mom" "I hope that Daddy choosing to rejoin us, but Daddy has made a choice not to be with us."

AS for this:

"He told her we could have stayed there as long as we wanted?????????"

Yes, you could have, but remember the above. DRAC can move back in anytime.

Also, see how comfortable DD got with the living sitch that you have had for over a year.

And how screwy was that sitch?

Oh, and who caused that?

DD is transitioning to a new house, school, routines. Maybe it all came out last night. And you might not hear much more about it. Or you might. But you did the right thing.

And it's Still Drac's choice to seperate your family.

LG

((((bugs))))

Oh, sweetie, I know how difficult that was for you to have to deal with her...

Thing is I would just accept that she's going to have her bad moments JUST LIKE YOU...she's going to grieve, and she's going to accept things the way there are, but you have to give her time...

I think that you did a wonderful job of reinforcing the positive things about the new place...think of yourself and how you have dealt with your own grieve...you KNOW that there are positive things about this, but sometimes it doesn't make you feel any better...

You are in a process, well, DD is too...and of course, you would love to make things better for her...simply fact is, let her grieve, hug her, hold her, and let her go through the process in her own way...

i remember crying to myself about the D when I was three of four...how bad I wantedmy daddy to be around, how I hated where I was living, how I wish he would come get me...it's a process...and sometimes we just have to sit with our feelings...

It's going to be okay...YOU are fine, nothing bad has happened, DD will be fine, nothing bad has happen to her either...perhaps you can explain the process, and that she's going to feel bad sometimes...

it's all new and sometimes we get scary about the new stuff, but that it will get better...something to think about for next time...

how wonderful to have each other to lean on...to share in teh process, no matter how difficult it is to see them hurt...not like a cut, that you can wash, apply some medicine, kiss it, and put a bandaid on...but hugs, kisses, and reassure DOES go a long way!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are doing great! And should you feel guilty, or are feeling guilty remember this is not your guilt, this is not your choice...put that guilt where it belongs!

(((BUGS))))

It is very common for kids to be upset over leaving a home they've been in for a long time. They are leaving their comfort zone. I don't think I've met a parent yet who said the kids liked moving to a new home. It almost always takes time for them to adjust.

Drac has some nerve making it sound like you guys could have stayed there as long as you wanted. Big ole coward is downplaying his involvement in her life being uprooted.

Hi Bugs,

Agree fully with LG's post. Funny thing, though, even the counselor DS is seeing disagreed with me when I pointed out that WW left the family. She tried to say "no she left you, she did not leave the kids." I disagreed with her and left it at that.

That's been the thing WW wants to argue about so much, her leaving, daddy's house/mommy's house vs. Our house/mommy's house.

I'll never agree with her on that and never apologize for what I am doing.

Thanks everyone.

I am feeling a bit better today. I realize it is normal for her to be going through an adjustment period & this is part of it. Frankly, I am GLAD she feels good enough to let it out with me, even though it's hard for me. That's my job as her Mom! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I left a message this afternoon for the school psychologist. I am a big believer in getting that professional help/advice/opinion. I can have her speak to her & watch out for her at school. Having that add'l set of professional, non-biased eyes and ears will give me a better evaluation of how serious or not this may be.

While I am concerned that this was stirred up by Drac last night, I am not coming out of the darkness because of it. I can only guess what was said, how it came up, etc. I may have to address it with him down the road, but not until I have more information.

I think with the possibility of no regular HO activity in his life, he's going to be playing games in my direction. Who knows what the point of this was,,,,,,,making me out to be the "bad" guy for moving her away? He apparently said something about not getting the weekday overnight visits. Whatever. I could guess forever on his words & motivations and never get it right. I deal only in MY reality with me & DD as the focus, with DSS as much as possible! Drac is not in our inner circle!

Have to go now to take DD to dance. Will try to post again after.

Need advice on dentist appt arrangements tomorrow to avoid the Drac!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

It's probably hard for you to see while you are in the midst of it all. But, Drac is continuing to engage with you regarding TRIVIAL MATTERS like whose gonna buy a Halloween costume.

In the meantime, your DD is crying her eyes out at night.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH....

Time to put your foot down, BUGS...

Set your boundary...

He's beginning ongoing communication with you...NOT GOOD..NOT GOOD....

Hopefully others can help with the details on this...BUT it is NECESSARY for you to SEAL this up TIGHTER...with you being PROACIVE, telling him that I will only communicate with you about XYZ..he's MANIPULATING you into COPARENTING..and this is relieving his PAIN about this, IMO....

What's keeping him from going ahead and buying the costume without checking with you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

And don't believe for one minute that he REALLY has broken up with her...my bet is that this is a LIE that they have cooked up for some reason...maybe just for FUN...

I agree with Mimi, Bugs.

The only thing that should be communicated THROUGH YOUR INTERMEDIARY is IMPORTANT information regarding the kids, such as pickup/drop-off dates/times, vital school info, and medical issues.

NOTHING ELSE! Your intermediary should not even tell you about Drac wanting to buy the costume. If he buys it, he buys it. Who cares?

No repsonse needed on that one, Bugs.

As for the stuff with your DD, document it, do what you can for your DD, and let your attorney know about it. It could be considered parental alienation on Drac's part, and the judge can put a stop to it.

NO INTERACTIONS WITH DRAC.

PITCH BLACK, COAL MINE DARK!!!!

Bugs...you are rationalizing alot of non-Plan B behavior.

you need to stop, you harm yourself and your children with this constant back and forth.

Morning!

Sorry I did not post last night. I was putting together my computer desk and smashed my right index finger. OUCH! Typing is not so easy today. Glad it's Friday.

Ok, so I am NOT getting it. Not dark enough. Even having a response sent that is 3 words is too much as it is in response to a trivial matter? Is that right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am really confused about myself this morning, then. Mimi, I guess you are right in that being here in the middle of it, I am not seeing it for what it really is.

BR - - "harm to myself and my children"? I don't understand that. Can you explain further?

It bugs me that I'm not really getting this,,,, I like to consider myself a fairly intelligent woman! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

The kids have dentist appts today at the same time. Drac is bringing DSS to the appt and I will be taking him after. I have been trying to figure out what to have M tell Drac to do so that I can best avoid seeing him. I think I'll have her tell him that I will be there a few minutes early so he can just drop DSS at the door and I will meet DSS on the correct floor by the elevator. That way we won't even be on the same floor. It's the best idea that I have.

Gotta run.

My opinion is to reschedule DD's and avoid the whole thing. Don't try to justify keeping it because it will take X amount of time to get a new appointment. If he sees you, you start from scratch, period.

My guess is he will not simply drop DSS off and let him get on the elevator. He needs a fix and he will get in one way or another. In the future, appointments should not be scheduled on the same day.

Just my 2 cents.

LC

That desire is going to come back on you time and again, so be ready for it and don't give in to it. You're going through your own withdrawal, and it's hard.

The way it goes is that you get triggered by something, and your body reacts. "This is not right," your body says. "This is not how it should be. This feels wrong, and I don't want to feel wrong. It would feel right if Drac would only [fill in the blank], so I will reach out and tell Drac to [fill in the blank] or show him that [fill in the blank] or . . . ." Now, your head knows full well that Drac isn't going to listen to what you have to say because he's a fogged-out zombie, but your emotional side/heart/body/subconscious WANTS it. It helped me to name this, which is when I started doing the split personality Guy Smiley/Super Dark Guy stuff.

So, how do you avoid this? What's the biggest source of triggers? Contact! Any contact can trigger you. Avoid it.

How does this hurt you and your kids? Getting triggered is emotionally exhausting--even if you don't act on it, it consumes energy, makes you feel bad, distracts you from being the best parent you can be, and drains your love bank. See how these all hurt you and your kids? So, when you Let Yourself get triggered, you're hurting yourself and your kids.

And, of course, acting as a result of a trigger is almost always a terrible idea.

Dark Plan B. Mine hasn't been particularly good, but I think it's harder with small children and joint custody. Still, the best stretches for me have been where there is little or no contact.

I know you want to stick your head out and see if he's ready yet. He's not. It's way too soon. Listen to the experts on this. This is another one you're going to have to resist. Be strong.

Not sure what to tell you in regard to the kids, but I'm going to post some stuff about my kids later, so you can read that and at least see that you're not alone.

(((Bugs)))

LC & Guy Smiley,

thanks!

LC, this appt will be the last one schedule with both kids at the same time. It was booked months ago, and due to my residence change, I did not find out about it in time to cancel & avoid a substantial cancellation fee.

Guy Smiley,

I love the idea of the split personality! LOL! I understand that.

Thanks for the clarification & support. I know we are both pretty close to the same place right now, so it's pretty easy to relate.

I did call and speak with the school psychologist today. I feel better. She's really nice and I think will be a great support for both me & DD. Having her & the social worker looking out for DD while at school makes me feel much much better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will be leaving shortly to take DD to the dentist. I remembered that there are 2 seperated waiting rooms there. I am going to go early so that I can sit in the back and avoid Drac if he chooses to ignore my request about dropping off DSS, as I suspect he will.

Triggers,,,,,yes it is tied directly with ANY sort of contact, isn't it. Whether I realize it or not, it does effect me. I know there is no point in peeking out at Drac, he's lost somewhere in that deep rolling fog. Not worth my time and it would only hurt the process.

Do I bother to work out a message to have M send regarding what I will and will not communicate about? I am afraid of it being #1. perceived by him as an opening to attempt more contact #2. used by him in our still pending legal proceedings #3. a total waste of my time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Thoughts?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

do NOT send him any messages!!!!

STOP COMMUNICATING.

Write that on your bathroom mirror, your rearview mirror, your cell phone and your computer monitor!

How do you harm yourself and your kids?

Everytime you do ANYTHING that makes Drac comfortable, that feeds his dance, any time you break your plan B...

He gets to stay in his affair longer, and he gets to disrespect you.

your children are watching you put up with unacceptable behavior .... YOU are their example.

Enabling him draws out the pain, the uncertainty, the affair.

THIS is harmful to your children and to you.

You need to get M on track with being your intermediary.
No, you do not need to outline what you will or won't communicate about. You already have. He can call you if there is blood or injuries. Nothing else matters.

You need to coach M on being a tougher intermediary.
She is sending through too much unnecessary information.
She needs to process the info for urgent/not urgent -- then only send on to you the urgent stuff.

Halloween costumes do not fit "urgent". You should continue on with your life with DD as if Drac did not exist.
He can get his own costume for her if he spends anytime with her on that holiday. She will have 2 costumes. Big deal.

It is up to M to tell Drac:

I am not communicating the halloween costume information to Bugs. She has made her arrangements for DD, and you can make yours.

YOU'RE RIGHT, LEXX!!! I absolutely agree with you on this!!

Bugs, intermediary is not an easy gig. I wish there were a manual for it.

Well dentist went ok.

DD & I were early and she went on in before DSS ever arrived. Drac brought him up to the office, looked around the corner to the waiting room where I was and walked out. I was working & looking down, so I did not even look at him. I just heard his voice. He told DSS bye and left.

Kids & I went shopping to buy bedding for DSS's bed. I let him pick it all out. We then went to a move and then shopped for bday present. We're hanging out watching tv.

Kids called Drac on DSS's phone & got vm. Drac just called. Gave DSS the story that his "personal" phone isn't working and he never got their message. DSS asked me to program his Dad's work phone number into his cell for him. WTF?? Dumb Drac.

Dss didn't even bring any clothes with him because Drac didn't arrange it. DSS didn't even know that he was coming with me after the dentist until they were on their way. What an A$$.

Not going to get worked up about it. I have or will buy whatever DSS needs. Going to watch some movies and call it a night.

Oh, and I'm doing the happy dance for Rin!!!

Hey all!

Party situation worked out just fine. I arrived early and dropped the kids. Family was great. One person started to share about Drac, and I drew my boundary, simply stating that I just don't want to talk about him. Unfortunately as I said this to one, another walked up asking, "What's this I hear that Drac has a new girlfriend?". I simply re-stated my Boundary with this person and did not even acknowledge the information they felt it necessary to share with me.

I feel good about that, it did make the small amount of time I spent there much easier. I just hate having learned something I did not want/need to know. Well, it can't be undone now.

I left shortly after arriving and then went to the office. I got a lot of work done,,, not as much as I would have liked, but it helped! I stopped by the store for a second and then went to pick up kids. They'd had a great time and I got to talk to the family a bit more. I didn't ask, but assume Drac didn't show at all.

So, now am home. Kids are playing at the neighbors. I cleaned some silver I had used during the move and put it away. Now am feeling a bit a loose ends. Sure there is tons of "house" stuff I could do, but am not really in the mood. Think I'm just going to relax this evening.

While driving today, I listened more to my cd about seeking God and have spent time reading Psalms. It helps. Normally drive time includes way to much "Drac thought", so am now listening to things that hold my attention vs just music where my mind wanders to him more often than not.

Yes, I spent time and energy thinking about him on the drive home with the kids (it's over an hour). But, I kept catching myself. Reminding myself to just let him go. Remembering that the man he is today is not the man I want, so why expend the energy?

I have a very blessed life. It will continue to be blessed and trusting God to show me the path he has for me is the only way to continue my journey.

I think I'll put on some music and dance around the house tonight with the kids. It always makes them laugh and makes ME feel good!

Later all!

Hey Girl!

I think I'm going to crank up the tunes while I finish cleaning my woodwork! Great idea!

I'm doing the kid weekend too -- although I'm down to just one kid plus a few friends! My oldest son is away at school, and my daughter just left for a week in Mexico.

So its just me and my youngest (and the guys) lol.

I'd love to see what your house looks like!
Today I've got all the windows open -- nice soft breeze coming through and the sound of teenage boys riding dirtbikes and playing football....