Lexxx,

Don't ya just love the sounds of the kids having fun outside? The sound of children laughing is my favorite sound!

Soon, I'll post a pic of the house, just not yet. Needs a bit of work, but I'll get there. Gives me good things to focus on.



Hmmmm - I have to say I am jealous!!! I think a girl trip to Mexico is on my near horizon. I talked about it for the last year, but did not do it. Am going to try to rope a couple of the girls into a trip real soon!



The weather here today is great,,,, a cool fall feeling kind of day. My FAVORITE time of year. Make me want to make caramel apples. Actually, am going to the store to get the stuff to do that tomorrow.

DD just came in and asked if they could eat at the neighbor's house. I walked over to make sure they were invited. The husband was bar-b-q'ing. 2 of his friends were there. 1 I've met before. They invited me too, but I declined, not in the mood tonight. We talked for a few minutes,,,,, dare I say the friends looked "interested"? Felt kind of like a "let's ck out the new divorced neighbor" thing?? Really kind of weird for me, but it make me laugh!

Am going to enjoy the few minutes of 'adult' tv I will get for the evening,,,, as that doesn't happen much any more.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well my crew just left to go to a bonfire at a *girls* house!!!

So a couple hours of me-time before I have to drive them home.

Were you in Goddess attire for being Checked Out?? LOL
I had some friends trying to get me to come over tonight for the not-so-subtle set-up-our-single-friends-casually-over-dinner thing. YUCK. No thanks. I would much rather stay home with a bunch of rowdy boys!

Lexxx,

Hmmm, going to a *girls* house! Very exciting for teenage boys! LOL! Hope you enjoyed those few precious hours of "me-time"!!

I was in semi-goddess attire, which is WHY I think I was getting checked out! he he! It must have been apparent because neighbor walked kids back over to my house, told me they were really well behaved & made a point to mention that his wife & one other wife were inside. He wanted to be sure I didn't think the "guys" were just inviting me over! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Kids had fun, which was GREAT! Playing with neighbors was not something they really got to do much at the other house as we were too far apart from neighbors on a busy highway.

Kids talked to Drac. After, DSS tells me that "Dad said we should just take me to his work tomorrow to drop me off. He's going to be there. He wants me to call him just before we leave. He DOESN'T have a date, he's going to the ball game"

It pissed me off, and unfortunately, DSS could tell. What happened to Drac's REPEATED demand not to send messages through the kids? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

How DARE he just assume that is Best or Easiest for me? How about the fact that our plans will not be taking us by his work on the way home? UGHH!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Now what?

You proceed AS PLANNED as if your DSS did not tell you anything.

Bugs...STOP THIS!!!

Mimi,

I should have been more clear in that last line. I wasn't asking what I needed to do, but was asking what Drac's going to try to pull next??!! As in "Now what's he going to pull?" I am sure he thinks he was being "Mr. Nice Guy" saving me 45 minutes both ways driving - - - heaven forbid it occur to him that I have my OWN plans!!

Sorry I wasn't more clear.

Of COURSE I went on with my plans for today. I should have changed them, but not because of Drac. Just before we were walking out the door to go to the amusement park, I remembered I wanted DSS to clean out his backpack. I had picked it up on Fri & it was SO heavy. I peeking inside and what a MESS!

Dss's challenges include problems with organization. He is SO SMART, but he his terrible at staying organized. The only bad grades he's ever gotten were due to missing work, not that he could not DO the work. I KNEW Drac wouldn't be keeping up with him like he should and I was right (unfortunately).

Well, after getting out a ton of wrinkled messy papers, guess what was found? A progress report from the 11th!! Guess who is FLUNKING math?? Guess why?? Yep, MISSING 7 assignments! UGH! Now, granted DSS IS 13, but I blame Drac for this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

3 guesses why DSS hasn't told Drac about it? Drac told him he'd pull him out of football. I explained to DSS, yes, that is the right thing to do. HOWEVER, even not telling Drac wasn't going to help because if he doesn't get his grade up the SCHOOL will toss him off the team, Drac wouldn't have any say in it at all.

I am SO MAD at Drac! Am I surprised? NO, but it still makes me mad for DSS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Long story short on the day, Drac talked to DSS on the phone, I'd told DSS I'd take him to the HOUSE as we were closer to that than Drac's work.

It's really simple - - STick to the schedule! DUH! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

When I dropped him off, Drac was NOT home, FIL was there waiting. Guess he doesn't want me going into the house and had to have FIL there to guard things? FIl said Drac asked him to come get DSS and that he was on his way home from work and said that Drac worked Sat, too. I told FIL, that's not my concern or my problem any more what he does or doesn't do - if he tells the truth or lies. Not my issue, and I changed the subject.

FIL asked me why I didn't go to a different family party Sat. Told him we'd gone to the bday party. He said I was missed at the other one. I told him I figured Drac might be there. He said no. Whatever.

FIL said he thought I'd forgotten about him because I had not called. I said absolutely not! I will have to make a point to call and check up on him. I invited him again to come to see DD and I at our new place. I doubt he will because of the drive, but maybe someday.

DD & I left, were about 2 miles down the road and passed Drac driving the other way.

I felt GREAT. Did what I planned, didn't worrry or concern myself with the Drac at all. We had a great time. DD and cranked the tunes and sang songs all of the way home. It was a TOTAL girl party! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'm still really upset about DSS's grade, but there's only so much I can do. I put progress report in an envelope along with DSS's dentist report. I will admit to making notes on the progress report,,, well just one note. I wrote "found when cleaning out backpack" then I circled the date, the grades & the code for Missing Assignments. I probably should not have done that, but I was mad & it was done before I stopped to think.

Gotta go get DSS her bath!

Bugs:

This is going to sound harsh.....

Please talk with DSS as much as possible.

NO ONE is talking to him.

DRAC isn't.

And you only get a night a week and every other weekend....

The boy hasn't turned in assignments since the school season started.

HAS ANYONE asked him what's up at school?

We KNOW Drac isn't. He is in LA-LA land and going to let DSS slip through the cracks.

While DRAC gets his Crack hit from his next supplier.

Disorganized?

He's a 13 year old boy. Par for the course. But, considereing the sitch, it probably alot worse from him then it EVER was.

DD had the crying thing about the house the other day, and this is DSS reaction to all the things going on. Not crying with you, but ignoring his homework, and not applying himself at school. And nobody is asking him what is happening.....

DSS not being able to play football? IT's THE BEST THING that DSS could be doing right now.

Doesn't seem to make sense that, but it IS.

Sorry Bugs. THIS is SO difficult for you....

(((BUGS)))

LG

I like your thinking in your LAST POST.

I agree with LG about your DS.

Sad to say, "it is what it is"...

Parenting certainly is not a priority for DRAC...

The most you can do is to make sure that your DSS knows that you LOVE HIM...and that he can talk to you....that you will ALWAYS be there for HIM as much as possible...

But he is DRAC'S RESPONSIBILITY...it's really out of your hands...

(((((BUGS))))))

Bugs:

I wanted to give you some hope,as I just has some given to me. WS had DD for the weekend. He took her to his best friends and while she was looking at the baby and aparently he didn't know she was paying attention he proceeded to tell his buddy that he's thinking of moving home. My DD is so excited. She made sure she didn't let daddy know that she heard to push him away.

On the other side, I need your prayer today. Today at 11am EST I have child support / spousal support hearing. So is he thinking of coming home knowing what he'll be paying or because he truly loves me.

You see, the bible tells us to strive not. If we worry what our WS are doing, then we get our focus off of christ.
I am finding the more I am focused on Christ only, the more answers I am being led to. So instead of me rushing to write him letters or send him emails like I would love to...I am sitting back and allowing Christ to work through me.

Maybe if you get DSS one of the folders that expands that has many slots he can just put his papers in there and he'll be organized. Or try going to Dr. Charles Stanleys In touch web site and go under the broadcasts/ Audio archive. Let him listen to the sermon on slothfullness. I did not realize how much of a sin that is. Maybe it would help him to refocus. You can remind him that he always has 2 people who love him no matter what. You and Christ.

Remember, now is the time to stay focused on Christ. Read Psalm 91 today and it should give you some peace.

God bless...I'm praying for you and every stander out there.

LG,

Your post was not harsh at all. Unfortunately, due to distance, I don't get my one night during the week anymore with DSS. It's been pretty rough for all of us.

Friday night he followed me around the house like a puppy. Obviously missing/craving attention. I have tried to call him more often to stay in touch, but will be stepping that up.

You know how it is with boys this age,,,,or really kids in general. You ASK them all of the time about school and always get the same answer. "It's good.".

Obviously, that is NOT the case.

I will be calling his coach/counselor again today.

As you say, being out of football is NOT a bad thing at this point in time. I did not hesitate to make sure the progress report got to Drac. What happens next is somewhat out of my hands but I am going to do what I can.

Mimi, yes, it is what it is, but I HAVE to do what I can for him. I love that boy. Drac or not Drac. If he is not parenting, which he obviously is not, I have to do something. I can't just let him fall without trying to catch him.

Gotta run.

Have a GREAT week everyone!

Could you still take one night a week and take DSS out for dinner?
Even if you don't transport him all the way back to your house...just take him out for dinner?

Boys that age are like that BUGS, disorganized...will put off homework if they are not nagged about it. My older son did the SAME THING...and now my younger one tries to get away with it too (older/smarter mom won't let him!)

Couple ideas for you -- I made sure my boys had a study hall during the school day to get homework done -- normally they didn't have that scheduled (but my boys need that!)
Enlist FIL's help too. See if he would take charge of homework.

My school district has online access for the parents so that I can see what assignments are due, links to teacher's emails, etc. Its a great tool to stay on top of things.

No matter how mad you get at Drac, he isn't capable of being a good dad. Its gonna drain your lovebank more -- so just work around him as much as possible.

I have a very different opinion on the "school activities".
I know a lot of parents yank kids from those things if they aren't performing. I do the opposite. I refuse to let my kids quit.

First of all -- they committed to a team. They need to learn to stick to their commitments. So, I do not allow them to let their teammates down.

Second, to be involved in sports it takes a lot of parental involvement. Those are the kind of kids I WANT my son involved with -- the kind that have INVOLVED parents! Who their friends are is the MOST important choices kids make at this age, and it follows them through high school.

Third, they learn a lot of life lessons through sports. Winning, losing, teamwork, dedication etc. Invaluable.

So, if they are not getting homework done -- quitting their team is not an option at my house. Staying home all weekend doing homework with Mom on their A$$ is the option.
No TV, no radio, no texting, no computer....

First thing when I got to work, I called and spoke to DSS's Coach/Counselor. We had a great talk.

Apparently DSS came to him first thing this morning and told him he would not be playing any more. He said "My Dad & I had an agreement and I am not living up to my part of the bargain on my grades, so I can't play any more".

I admire DSS for doing it himself first thing. Coach & I agreed that due to the great strides DSS has made in getting friends, being social, his confidence, etc, we hate to see him not continue. DSS DOES have study hall, but without someone to help on the organization part, it doesn't do a lot of good. Coach was telling me that they are starting tutoring for ALL students in need, and that the football coaches were making arrangements for any players who are struggling to get tutoring. We agreed that DSS could get help there, AND possibly help other kids on the content while getting help with the organizational things.

Coach said he would call Drac to see if there was any chance of working things out.

I left DSS a message to call me after school. He did as soon as he got home. He said Drac wasn't MAD, but that he said he had to quit football because of his grades.

To be totally honest, DSS sounded relieved to be out of football. It could be an act, but I think I know him well enough to tell the difference. As much as it has been good for him, it's never been his "thing". I think both DSS and Drac are using his grades as an easy OUT of this whole thing. It makes me sad. But, there's nothing I can do about it.

DSS was supposed to work on this social studies missing assignment that I'd found out about from Coach and then call me back. I still have not heard from him. Apparently there have been only 2 assignments in Social studies and DSS is "missing" one, so he is also failing that class! We talked about it and confirmed he has the things he needs to complete the assignment,,,,,even though he "thinks" today was the last day he could turn it in. I told him to finish it any way and call me when he was done. I want him to try to turn it in tomorrow no matter what.

So, am going to call him now. I'll post a Drac & Divorce update later,,,,,,,,,,,,interesting stuff so stay tuned.

My lawyer called today. She wanted to set a time to sign the final agreement papers AND to ask me what “problem” occurred this weekend. Apparently she had a vm message from Drac’s attorney that there was a “problem”

I told her I was unaware of any “problem”, unless it was that Drac was mad because I did not take DSS to his work which would have been more convenient for Drac. My A proceeded to explain to me that Drac has been copying his A on EVERY communication. He’s been complaining to her through his A that I am not responding to his emails. She just ignores it unless she hears from me that it there is a problem. He intimated that I sent a “nasty”, as in MEAN email. I guess that must have been the one where I told him to end his affair and I would talk to him. His response to me was that his personal life is none of my business, but he prefaced it by copying and pasting MY message to him. I KNEW then what he was up to.

As I explained to my A, his emails about schedules and pertinent information are responded to, all others are not. She even said, “Unless it’s an emergency, what’s the problem?” She went further to state that Drac has NO room to complain about ANYTHIING when it comes to DSS. It is only out of the goodness of my heart that I take him every other weekend and that I am looking out for the best interests of DSS and DD by doing this. I believe she said “He should be kissing your feet for this and being thankful for the free babysitting you are supplying”.

Am I wrong in “assuming” that this is Drac’s way of trying to control me??

I don't think so, he has to have something to complain about and this is all he can come up with...

i think that Drac needed the wind knocked out of his sailing too! LMAO

This is the best that he has...let it go...he's a sad case! LMAO

I'm so proud of you and how you have handled things...you are doing wonderful!

head high, k?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BUGS:

MAKE SURE THAT DSS IS STILL IN FOOTBALL.

Maybe my earlier post was misintepeted.

Let me be clear:

DO NOT LET HIM DROP FOOTBALL.

Do as Lexxy said, and make him work on his homework.

And I KNOW that he is DSS, and you do not have the ultimate control.

Drac Does. (I think is was disgraceful of Drac to force DSS to CALL The Coach to QUIT.) (HEY, SUPERDAD! How about some help with the Homework first!) Oh, but it's DSS fault that he isn't doing well at school.....

But please, make him go BACK.

Please buy "Boys Adrift" by Leonard Sax, MD Phd. at http://www.boysadrift.com/home.php

And you will find out that being on the "Team" is what DSS may need right NOW.

Because the rest of his "Teams" are blowing up on him.

And that "it's not his thing" Then he doesn't go back next year. DSS NEEDS the CHALLENGE of it now.

Please, it's the best thing for him.

My DS, 14, hasn't even made it onto the field yet, during the games. And he is loving it.

It's about succeeding at something that isn't under his control, or under the control of anyone else......


LG

PS about the D?

Of course it your FAULT. Look what a horrible person you have been. Telling DRAC to end his A and you will work with him.....

HOW DARE YOU!

Sorry, Bugs. Drac may get it, he might not. His choice. And right now, according to him, it's all your fault.....

You were very explicit in your Plan B letter. End your A and we can work this out, BUT, you will never be his "Buddy" after the Divorce.

Because Drac choose this course of action.

Not Bugs.

(((BUGS)))

Drac?

Trying to get his attorney to make you be his friend.
HA!
Tattling on you to try to get you to play nice.
HA!

He still needs you to fill those needs. He's going without it, and its driving him nuts. It needs to reach the point that it becomes painful enough for him to change his behavior. That's what Plan B is all about.

Who's admiring him?
Who's his family/domestic support?
Who is meeting his conversation need?

Likely, if he's truly broken up with HO, and has a "new" one -- its a deperate attempt to get his needs met. He will find that no one else does it like you. By withholding yourself from him, you speed up the time he comes to that realization.

Dark, Darker, Darkest!!

LG,

No, you were very clear in your post. I am doing what I can with my limited influence to get DSS back on the team.

That is why I have the Coach calling Drac to try to work out an agreement to keep DSS playing. If *I* suggest it, it will never fly. I figured my best chance was to have the COACH ask for Drac to work it out with him,,,,,,that Drac is less likely to say no to a teacher/coach/counselor reaching out and asking for Drac's help for DSS.

I tried calling DSS last night and again this am. His phone was off both times. I left a message to call me after school. I know he turns the phone on after school. I will then be able to set a schedule of him keeping his phone on both morning and night so we can talk more.

I totally agree that this team is the BEST thing DSS has going for him right now. I am open for ideas on just HOW to do more to make sure he stays on the team. Asking Drac directly will not do it. Plan B or no Plan B, communicating and disagreeing with him on this will do no good in my opinion.

Remember, not dropping DSS off when & where DRAC decides makes me the horrible person,,,,makes me uncaring in regards to the children.

Again - - open for ideas????

Regarding the D, I don't see anything ever changing. Drac's turned his back on me forever. His A with the Ho is over, but the last thing he's going to do is come back to me and our M. That is his life. That is his choice.

There are times, like last night, that I want to write Drac a letter and tell him how my not speaking/interacting with him isn't because I am "MAD" at him. It's about ME making choices for MY life. He chose D. I choose not to interact with someone I don't know and who I really do not LIKE. It's about what works for me. He's free to do as he likes with his "personal life", as am I.

Our interaction with the kids can be very simple. Stick to the schedule. Period. Communicate emergencies or issues on behalf of the KIDS. Period. Changes to anything for "convenience" are not necessary.

Maybe someday I'll be at the point where I am willing/able to do that,,,,,,,,,, to speak with the stranger that used to be my H. Not now.

In the LONG RUN, it's best for your DSS for you and DRAC to be together.

IMO, anymore involvement of you with this puts HIM in the TRIANGLE...

IMO, in reality, you and DRAC can't work real well right now as PARENTS..'cause PARENTING is low in his priorities...

You are still saying that the A is OVER...

BUGS, I BET YOU THAT IT IS NOT OVER!!

You are definitely headed for D and PLAN B is not serving its purpose because of your continued involvement with him.

You remain concerned about Drac's thought process..

WANTING TO WRITE HIM A LETTER?

A LETTER to a person that does not exist??

When are you going to buy what we are saying about becoming dark?

When are you going to stop letting him manipulate you?

I think you need to GO WAY, WAY BACK INTO THE THE DARKNESS OF NIGHT...

He has now effectively used his son to get to you...

PERFECT..pulling him out of FOOTBALL if he thinks you want him in football..creating a FIGHT with you so that you are the BAD GUY..telling your son to turn the phone off....

BACK OFF BUGS...if you want to RECOVER your marriage..and you can if you REALLY GO DARK!!!

Lexxx,

We must have been posting at the same time earlier. I didn't hear anything back from A on whatever the supposed "issue" that his A wanted to discuss, so I am safely assuming it was just an attempt to get me to play nice.



Mimi,

Ok, hold me by the hand and walk through this with me a step at a time -



Continued involvement? I haven't replied to him in any way in some time now. I've even stopped hearing about each and every one of his communications. Yes, he's in my thoughts - - that is the only involvment lately.




I have had NO interaction with Drac about DSS at all. I have interacted with DSS and DSS's coach. Drac has NO idea that I think it is best for DSS to remain in football.

Yes, he may be trying to start a fight with me over football,,,,, Over when/where to drop off DSS,,,,,,using his A to complain about me,,,,,, but I have NOT RESPONDED at all.

I know I need to do a better job for myself, mentally and emotionally that continues. However, I don't get where you think I am involved with Drac other than in my own mind?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

PROBLEM..Coach will tell DRAC you told him to call, WHY NOT???...This ALL is DRAC'S responsibility...may feel like you are forsaking your DS..but like I said, in the long run, it's best for your S if you two are together...



Assumption..how could you know Drac's reaction..too much work on your part..too much HE SAID, SHE SAID...



EXACTLY..let the TEAM stuff GO...you've done all that you can about this..probably too much...



His A is NOT OVER until you have a NC LETTER...

Don't make any NEGATIVE ASSUMPTIONS such as this...

Mimi,

The last thing I'll say on the football/coach issue is that this coach is also the school counselor. He is aware of the situation with Drac and that he can not give up the fact that I have been speaking to him about DSS. He sees that for now, I am the only active parent for DSS and has been acting accordingly. I will have to trust in his discretion and rely on his professionalism to keep the communication I have had with him in confidence. I expect that he will, as I suspect he could get into trouble for discussing a student with me, as I am not legally his guardian or parent.

It's hard not to make negative assumptions,,,,,I think in a way it's the "Hope for the Best, but Prepare for the Worst" for me.

I am relying solely on my faith as this point in time. Recent teachings I've been working on,,,,,,,,,,,Looking PAST what I see and relying what I KNOW God can and will do for me. TRUSTING God for all things.

So, yes, I likely spend too much time thinking/wondering about Drac. I haven't totally let go. He's still in my heart and on my mind.