Maybe, for some people, their WS will always have a place in their heart. Hopefully, we get to a point where we think about it very little. But it's always under the surface. I can't imagine being able to say, "I'm completely over this, doesn't cross my mind anymore."

My aunt's 1st husband left her for another woman. He came home one day, said he was done, left her and the 2 kids, and didn't look back. She's been married to my uncle for almost 30 years. They have a great marriage, 2 kids together and several grandkids. Her life is so much better than it would have been w/ husband #1.

But, when she heard about my situation, the pain she felt back then, resurfaced. She has complete compassion and understanding for me. All these years later, it is still emotional and painful for her to think about. Not that she does very often, but w/ certain triggers.

Maybe letting go, sometimes, means we have to accept they will always have a place in our hearts, but we will go on like they don't.

Bugs:

I wanted to say: "I'm Sorry"

Mimi's being WAY to polite and not telling me to "Shut UP!"

My counsel to you was to make sure the DSS got what he needed for the future.

But that may run counter to a proper Plan B and not help you to restore your M.

I see that in these last few posts.

You are trying to stay dark, and I sort of was recommending that you be less dark. Trying to help you to help your DSS as much as possible. And some of that advice removes pressure from Drac.

This stuff is tough enough with out getting seemingly conflicting advice. Advice in regards to DSS that may be good in the long run, but may run counter to the most important fact, restoring your M and improving Bugs, Drac, DSS and DD lives in the process.

Pardon me, and I will accept the wet noodle.

LG

Oh, LG!!

I realized where you were coming from, really I did. Your heart is VERY much in tune with what boys in particular go through in these situations. Your very close relationship with your DS is obvious, and your acknowledgement of how your actions impacted him are so insightful & to be admired.

It IS heartbreaking what is happening, what happens, and may very well continue to happen with DSS. It is somewhat of a balancing act on my part to do all I can for him while not engaging Drac. Ok, I'll just say it - - IT TOTALLY SUCKS!! Drac sees NONE of it, none of the damage he's done or that he is doing. I pray every day that his eyes are opened to this. Lord, even if it doesn't lead to recovery for us, it is SO important that his eyes at least open to what our kids have been going through!

I can't do that for him. I can't educate him. I can't explain it to him. I can't make him see or understand.

However, I CAN pray that God moves in that way. I've read here that other FWSs have had their eyes and hearts opened and they have done what it takes to help their kids and repair the damage they have done.

Don't apologize for speaking from the heart! That's what is great about this place. Getting input from all different perspectives so that I can consider as many areas of life & this situation as possible.

I'll never cover them all. I'll never be perfect, and that's ok. Just doing the best that I can, as are we all!

I SOOO UNDERSTAND this...I held onto my love for my H..that's the purpose of PLAN B..to PROTECT AND SAFEGUARD your love for H....but TRY to BURY the love WAY DOWN DEEP...so as not to be RULED by your EMOTIONS...

As I speak to you, BUGS, I've been right there and truly understand. Don't think that I am kicking you. I keep trying to help you PROFIT FROM MY MISTAKES.

DRAC is NOT YOUR HUSBAND...

He is DRAC..he is SELFISH, NARCISSISTIC, FOCUSED ON GETTING HIS NEXT DRUG FIX..no, I do not for one minute believe that he has ended his A...

I think he continues to ENGAGE YOU..

He is GOOD AT THE MANIPULATION...

Stop and analyze the situations..

Try to use your HEAD and not YOUR HEART as much as possible...

YOU HAVE A PLAN...HE DOES NOT...STICK TO YOUR PLAN...cause he is trying to steer you off course...

You are DOING WONDERFUL..but he is SLICK...like any known DRUG ADDICT...

EXACTLY..this is where the need for ACCEPTANCE comes in...THIS IS TRUE..right now, he sees NONE of it...



Keep praying, BUGS..I have NO DOUBT that the LORD will watch over YOUR CHILDREN..."Little ones to HIM belong..they are weak but HE is strong"...

What you say here is RIGHT and TRUE....



And YES..it can happen...I see my H doing this every single day...He just got off the phone from ME to TALK to our son.."I've got to go to talk to "SON"...Our sons had planned to NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN...

Yes..KEEP YOUR FAITH.."TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART"...

I disagree. He sees it. He knows it. He just won't acknowledge it. He's doing his absolute best to ignore it. But he can't hide it from himself. He's just not ready to do what it takes to CORRECT it.

Because he is incredibly selfish.

Sad for DSS.

Not seeing it is what I call THE FOG, LEXX...

When my H was in THAT FOG, HE COULDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE or SEE THE DAMAGE he was doing and he did many INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME and THE CHILDREN...

All he cared about was HIM and the HO...the rest of the world didn't matter...

Maybe I shouldn't make the assumption that other WSes are like mine WAS....SORRY...

He's incredibly HURT, SHAMED and EMBARASSED by ALL that he did NOW..but the full recognition of the hurtfulness was a long time coming....

Hey Ladies,

Seeing it, knowing it, acknowledging it, taking responsibility for any of it,,,,, Drac is having None of that for now.

Deep down, YES, he knows, but he isn't about to face it. Right now, as LG has so aptly pointed out, it is all still Bugs fault. Will he face the truth someday? Will he look in the mirror and see himself clearly? I don't know.

I only know I can't make that happen. Yes, I would love to "talk" to my H, the man I know that still lives inside of him. The man whose "core" that Schoolbus talks about is good. It would be a painful, long discussion, but I know that the core of my H is good and we could eventually come to a point of working together and healing. Healing ourselves, healing our M, and healing each other.

But guess what? I know that H isn't any where to be found right now. So all of the above is a fantasy unless he shows up somewhere down the road.

Right now it's exactly like this quote from one of BR's threads about her FWH - at this time in their sitch, his outlook is that of Drac's right now



This is one thing I'd love Drac to understand right now. I have choices, too. As I said, I've gone past just being "mad" at him. I've stepped up to seeing and making choices for me.

DD spoke to him tonight on the phone. As I always do, I left the room and allow them to talk and do not listen in to their conversation. Sometime, I don't know how long, after they hung up, DD shows up at the doorway crying.

From what I could gather, she was upset or as she said "Sad" because she is not getting her visitation with him tomorrow night because he is going to be out of town. She told me that she starting crying on the phone with him, too. He "didn't say much because he doesn't want me to be sad and he'd email you Mommy when his plane lands".

Now, let me say this. She is a VERY bright little girl. She knows how to try to push buttons. I could clearly see that at this point in time, she was somewhat trying to play me. After last week, I know she sees my vunerablility on this.

Question is, how much did she really say to Drac and did he just blow it off?? Is she trying to play him, too? I don't know. Chances are, no matter what, he likely believes I am behind it so that it relieves him of the responsibility.

OOOPPSS. That was probably a disrespectful judgement, wasn't it??? I don't KNOW what he thinks. I am just guessing.

It all isn't going to matter much in another week. I will be "offically" divorced.

Morning!

I called and talked to DSS this morning. He was still sleepy, but we had a nice chat. I got down to a lot more info on the homework thing,,,,,

His "plan" was to "try" to get a night where he had no other homework and THEN do his makeup work! LOL! Typical 13yr old boy for you.

His NEW plan is to do at least one missing assignment per night and turn it in the next day. He said Drac has ck'd his homework the last 2 nights, but I don't think they had any solid plan for the makeup work.

He's also going to call me after school EVERY day to report in. Today he is supposed to talk to the Social Studies teacher on making up his assignment in that class. He didn't call me back the other night because he "forgot" he was supposed to do that assignment, too.

Well, talking every day right after school will help this as much as possible. I can usually tell when he is lying,,,,,. Best I can do for now.

Gotta get DD ready for school.

OH,,,, BTW, I have my highspeed working on my laptop so now I can work from home!! YIPPEE!! Just need to get a bit more organized in the office and drag home some stuff to help out with that. That's my weekend project.

Later!

Morning Bugs,

Not much to add,, just wanted to let you know that I think you are being a great mom to DSS.

Still

YES, you are such a blessing to YOUR SON and I believe that YOU will be BLESSED for your LOVE and CARE for him....

Hold your head up high, Bugs, and realize in losing you Drac stands to lose a TREASURE...

Bless you both for those kind words!!

It wasn't easy today. I called DSS after school. 20 seconds after we were on the phone, he had to go because Drac was calling. I asked DSS to call me back.

We talked about homework. He gave a bunch of 13yr old vague answers. Finally, it boiled down to he has to get ALL of the assignments done tonight and turned in tomorrow. I asked him to call me when he finished.

Well, I just called him a few minutes ago. He was in bed. He's staying with Drac's friends, R & W. He said he was already in bed (which he is NEVER in bed at 9pm) and that they were also, so he had to talk quietly. I also find that hard to believe. I think he doesn't want anyone to know we are talking. Who knows what Drac has said to him in that regard. DSS is Extremely guarded when it comes to talking about anything that goes on in his life when he is with Drac. Hmmmm, wonder why??

DD and I enjoyed having a Wed. night together. She even said she was happy to have a Wed night with me! She called and talked to Drac before his plan took off. She was fine after, no tears this time, for which I was extremely grateful. I try not to make a big deal of her crying episodes. I try to listen, support, and comfort the best I can.

I am feeling exhausted tonight for no particular reason I can think of. I did get a call from my friend, K today. She is married to one of Drac's best friends from when he was growing up. Drac still sees & talks to them. They are aware of what's gone on. While they don't agree with what he has done, C is still his friend and always will be. Drac's been calling C a lot, but C is extremely busy getting his own business up and running so he hasn't taken Drac's calls. He told his wife he "doesn't have time for Drac's petty crap right now". Whatever that means! Apparently this is Drac's m.o., to call a lot when he's not actively "seeing" someone, or that is the story he tells. I took that opportunity to tell K that I am really not interested in hearing about Drac. Whatever he is up to is his problem, not mine.
So, we changed the subject to kids and family and had a nice chat.

I did take time out today, as I worked from home, and took a walk during lunch. Am going to try to fit that in on a regular basis and get back to working out again. I can certainly use the energy!

Have a nice evening all. Am going to turn in early.

Another day comes that I had hoped would never dawn.

I meet this afternoon with my A to sign the final settlement papers for my D. It could be finished as soon as Monday -- - Except I still haven't taken the required parenting class. All that means is that it will sit on the judges desk waiting for me to completed it (I think). I will have to confirm with my A this afternoon.

As I said before, I decided not to get in a hurry about taking the class as you all know, I'm not in a rush to get the D. All week, though, I have thought about this, wondering to myself why bother with any delay.

Drac is no where near the rock bottom that I had hoped for, as far as I can tell. He's determined on this path and isn't looking back from all indications. It may still happen someday,,,,,,,,,,but that day may be far far away.

D or no D, I must continue with my life for myself and the kids.

So, I will call today to schedule the class. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I will meet with my A and sign the papers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I will be Divorced soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I will be sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I will be alone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I will be OK. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

(((Bugs)),

Sending lots of hugs your way. You are going to be okay. Just because the divorce goes through doesn't mean that you can't get back together if he ever gets his act together. And by that time you may not want him back.

I wonder also if my WHis ever going to hit "bottom". I really thought it would of happened by now. Maybe for some it never happens.

Regardless of what happens life is going to get so much better than the last year or so. It will happen God is there for us.

Still

Bugs,
I come on and check on a few threads here (yours, Lilsis, and a few others) and just want you to know that I have been where you are right now. It's very hard going through a divorce, especially when you are not the one that asked for it...It's not what you wanted. You have fought very hard to save the marriage, and you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and know that you did try. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but you will make it. One day at a time. God still has a plan for you.

((((Bugs))))

Bugsmom,

Hugz from the middle of the big blue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

For Drac, I wish he would bump his nose. Nothing more attractive on a WS than a big zonker on his honker. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Still, Robertswife, Orchid,

Thanks for checking in with me and for the encouragement.

I am pretty darn sad today. The papers go to the judge on Monday. He likely won't sign it until Thursday, after he has proof of my attending the parenting class on Wed. night.

Either way, it will be done next week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

It took longer with my A yesterday than I planned. We had to made some slight modificiations to the paperwork. Drac's A apparently isn't big on getting the little details correct, and we added a few more specifics for my protection. They were minor things, that I was at first, hesitant to add, but after recent events, I KNEW were best for me & DD in the long run.

I went to the meeting with an attitude of acceptance. It is what it is being my mantra for the day. It worked really well until I heard what the "problem" was from over last weekend.

Drac wanted his A to make sure that I was clear that I have "NO LEGAL RIGHTS WHEN IT COMES TO DSS".

WTF??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I was SO MAD!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />Of course I know this. Apparently he heard me say to DSS when they were on the phone that I was sticking to the schedule when they were talking about drop off at home vs word on Sunday. He had the nerve to complain that I was going to drop off DSS at home with no one home!!!!!!!!! He had to make arrangements for FIL to be there for drop off???!! UGH! Like he NEVER leaves DSS home alone?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Like I don't know that it is purely at HIS descretion that I get to see DSS? Like I don't know that if he wanted to, Drac could put an end to the visitation with him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

WHY??? WHY?? God love my A. She told Drac's A that Drac should be kissing my feet instead of giving me any type of hard time about this. Do you know that Drac's A had the NERVE to comment that by Drac allowing me visitation with DSS that Drac is "Giving up HIS quality time with his son?" Now, as my A responded, as his solicitor, that is the correct response from him, but we all know that doesn't fly in the real world.

In the real world, I am someone with NO blood ties to this child, no Legal Obligation, yet I have continued to parent him, to provide for him, to spend time with him, solely at my own expense with no compensation or consideration whatsoever from Drac. Plus, it is in essence, Free Babysitting for Drac, giving him every other weekend totally free to do whatever he wants.

In a small way, as my Mom pointed out, perhaps this was a good thing to happen at this time because it took me from being sad, disappointed, etc. to being MAD. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I need to go get DD up for school now. Will be back in a few.

I had 2 very important conference calls with my boss today that are finally over. Thank Goodness! Just have to file some final reports for the week and am taking the rest of the afternoon off!

I am going tonight to see an Elvis impersonator with some girlfriends and am looking forward to it. I have my Goddess Gear all picked out. Just have to wait for Drac to pick up DD after he gets in from out of town and then I'm off for a night out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I plan to utilize extreme caution tonight with having a drink or 2. It would be really easy to over do it and right now that would be trouble for me. I am feeling very vunerable right now.

I was thinking that this weekend is the last that I will be "Offically" married. People have commented on and asked me point blank why I still wear my wedding ring. I tell them point blank back, "Because I am still married.".

Now the decision comes on whether to still wear it or not. DD most certainly notices if we go out of the house and I do not have it on. Will I be ready or able to explain to her about not wearing it any more? Will I choose not to wear it any more? I don't know yet for sure. I know this has been a topic of discussion on other threads.

For me, on the one hand, I have thought of continuing to wear it because I still plan to conduct my life as a married person. On the other hand, continuing to wear it may give Drac the idea that I am sitting around pining for him still. Although that is true to a certain degree, that is NOT what he needs to believe

Mimi == = Don't flip out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I'm not planning on seeing him where he would notice -- - I am just sure that when/if I stop wearing it, DD will end up mentioning it in front of Drac sooner or later.

I guess I'll have to give it a bit more thought.

I really, really ,really ,really, really, really, really, really, am hating all of this today. Facing the fact - This time next week I will be "single" again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

YUCK.

You have fought the good fight. Continue to wear your ring until the Judge puts down his pen. Once it's final (barring supernatual intervention - remember my experience 3 days before the final date?), take it off. You are released. You will be FREE of DRAC. Stay dark with DRAC for your own mental health.

Then you can choose to wait for DH for show or go on with your life.

(((Bugs)))

(((((BUGS))))


I understand that one...my ring has been hanging in the bathroom on a chain for some time now...occasionally I would put it on...

I have plans one day to turn it in for something else but I don't know when that day will come...perhaps after the final D-day...LMAO...six months away...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm here thinking about you and understanding the struggle with that issue...

Perhaps down the line I will be in your shoes in regard to being "single" again and the feelings that go with that!

Take care! Enjoy your night and live it up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />