I agree with PrincessMeggy...

This is just my experience, and yours may be different...In my sitch, I took the rings off once the D was final. The rings had become a reminder of the betrayal and all that had transpired...after all, ex-wh had not upheld his vows and the symbolism of the rings had become a source of pain in the days leading up to and after the D was final...that was just my experience, the rings were actually triggers for me at that time...don't know if that makes sense...but I felt emotionally healthier without the constant reminder of what had happened eveytime I looked at the rings, so I removed the rings...It also helped me in moving towards the acceptance phase.

If by chance you and Drac reconcile, you may want to start fresh and get new rings to symbolize new beginnings and a renewed commitment to your marriage...just a thought..

In my case, ex-WH hadn't been behaving like a faithful husband for years before the D was final...so once I was officially released from the marriage I saw no point of continuing to wear the rings..I was no longer a married woman...and it was quite painful back then.

Bugs, you did not ask for this divorce so maybe explaining to your DD that the marriage is over, once it is final, and also explaining to her why you are no longer wearing the wedding rings may serve to clear up any confusion she may have about it. Your DD can see the fact that Drac is not with the family anymore. In one of your previous posts you mentioned that Drac even told DD that you two were not married anymore. All of this must be confusing to her....I'm sure it is reassuring for her to know that both of you will always love her and that you will be the best parent you can be for her regardless of the fact that you are getting a divorce. When she's older she'll appreciate all that you have done. (((Bugs)))

Thanks all for your input.

To lay the ring debate to rest for now. I will wear them until the D is signed. I'll decide then what I want to do. I will likely not wear them. THAT marriage will be over. IF Drac ever dies and H returns, a new realtionship will need to be built. If M is ever in the cards for us again, yes, a new symbol of THAT M will be necessary.

We had a great time tonight,,,, or I guess I should say LAST night. Drac was LATE getting DD. I had a "feeling" early in the afternoon, so I checked his flight status. He was supposed to take off at 3:15. I checked at 3pm and it was already showing DELAYED. I went ahead and called my Mom and asked her to stay wit DD until Drac arrived,,,,, as no telling how late it might end up being.

Drac finally sent notice at 4 pm that his flight was delayed. Although he'd know for more than 45 minutes already that it was delayed. What was the point of that? Anyway,,,,,,,DD tried to lay a big guilt trip on me,,, crying and wanting me to stay until Drac got here. I don't understand what that was all about either. Perhaps she is sensing then "end" or maybe it is something Drac has said, who knows??? Mom was great with DD and I went off to meet my girls on schedule.

Eventually Drac picked up DD. Mom called me to confirm. She said he made a "production" of hugs in the yard,,,and Mom just closed the door and shut off the light. She isn't speaking to Drac either! God bless her!

Tomorrow am going to do some shopping w/Mom and then am plopping my rear end at the pool. It will be the last weekend for it to be open, so I am going to try to relax and enjoy it. Isn't that what every married woman on does on the eve of being single again??

Bugs:

Glad you had a great time, I'm closing our pool this afternoon as well....

Sorry about the circumstances.

(((BUGS)))

LG

Well I didn't get the pool closed up. Yesterday was a beautiful day here, so after spending the morning working inside, I floated around the pool all afternoon. Plus, I figured out that I am going to need to have some help with the cover, so will do that next weekend.

I set up DD's fish tank and will spend this week getting the water right for fish. We'll go this weekend to get some. I am going to start with some cheap ones from Walmart before moving up to more expensive ones!! Am afraid I'll kill them and it will be money "down the toilet" Literally!! LOL!

Well, today is the day is could be Offical. Depends on if the judge will sign before having proof of my parenting class.

No word all weekend from Drac,,,,,,,,,he even brought DD home EXACTLY on time.

What's funny is that after the fiasco and complaint Monday about dropping DSS off with no one home,,,,,,,,,Drac left him home ALONE while bringing DD here to me, for 3 hours!! OMG! Does he NOT see the irony????

Well, time to go to the bus stop.

Later

Hi Bugs, Wow, you are getting ready to enter into a huge transition. I was there 30 some yrs ago. About my rings. I took them off the day the D was final. Then some girfriends and I went to the jewelry store and bought a beautiful replacement, a jade ring encircled with diamonds.
This was on the Divorce day, then we went out and had a ball. I eventually sold those rings and bought a ticket to California, again accompanied with the suport group of girlfriends. It was great.Nothin like romping on a beach with GF's. Yep, those were the days. They kept me grounded and out of the black hole of depression. Keep your GF's near and dear. 30+ yrs later, we are all still friends.

Its just another day BUGS. Try not to put too much emphasis on it.

Drac is seizing any little thing you do as a balm to his guilty conscience. He doesn't see the hypocrisy. And its a control issue. He gets to make all the decisions about DSS, and he wants you to know it. Its ok for HIM to decide DSS can be home alone, but its not ok for YOU to make that decision.

Being single isn't all bad. I think you may enjoy some aspects of it. If/when he comes back, you get to make a new marriage.

For all of the pain, all of the drama, a marriage can sure end with strange amount of quiet. Mine did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

To my knowledge, the D was signed yesterday, so it's done.

Now just hanging out on the D line with Chris. Keeping up with a few other threads.

As Tom Hanks said in Sleepless in Seattle, I remembered to wake up this morning and breathe in and out, so I guess I am doing OK. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Not a day goes by that I don't miss him. Not a day passes that I don't long for what could have been and wonder if it could ever be. Not an hour passes that I don't pray.

I am trying hard to be positive and avoid the pity party. For goodness sakes, , , listen to this story/

Back in the 1940's, a woman's husband leaves her with 3 small children, 2 older boys and a 3 year old baby girl. This woman, in an age where you DON"T get Divorced is left alone. She does not drive,,,even if she did, she could not afford a car.

Due to a childhood accident, she only has 1 eye, the other is glass. She takes the bus in the morning to work at the drug store. After work, she walks to the bowling alley for her night job. Upon coming home in the middle of the night, she stays awake doing work as a seamstress to earn the money she needs for her kids. ALL while running a household and trying to mother her 3 children. NO child support and NO visits from Dad,,,except perhaps 2x per year when he returns from Phoenix dragging along his NEW family.

She does her best, saves her money, scrimps by, makes all of the clothes for her kids just to keep them dresses through the years. Thankfully, she is an accomplished seamstress!

Fast forward - - all of her children graduate high school and lead great lives. She now owns her own home and has for years. She is well liked & respected in her community. Her friends/clients are numeous. She gets daily phone calls, visits, and is taken out at least 1x per week for lunch or dinner with friends.

She made her daughter's wedding gown,,,that was also worn by her eldest granddaughter. She made the bridesmaid's dresses for each of her granddaughter's weddings. She now makes quilts to celebrate the new lives in the family.

Now getting ready to turn 97 next week, my Grandmother is my inspiration and the reason I can NOT have a pity party!

Until last year, she still mowed her own grass for goodness sakes!! She never did re-marry. I know she loves my Grandfather to this day, but will never admit it to any one,,,perhaps even to herself. He passed away before I was born.

I remember Grandma having a few boyfriends over the years. I also remember her telling me why she "broke up" with the one who was long term, she told me "I'm tired of him laying around MY house, eating MY food, and getting in MY way"!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

She continues to do some sewing for a few select clients. She has a nice amount of savings on which she is more than able to support herself and continues to live alone in her own home.

She taught me to appreciate the "finer" things of life. To go for Quality, not just quantity. To care well for the fine things once you do have them. She taught me style and class. That you LOOK like a Goddess when you are out in public!! She is the reason I was voted Best Dressed in school! I didn't have designer clothes, I had the Best Home Made Clothes ever!!
My Mom is bringing her over today to see my house. I think the timing is perfect. I could use a swift kick in the rear!!

Bugs:

You grandmother sounds like a champ!

Goddess'es are descended from Goddess'es!

LG

Bugs, your grandma is AWESOME!

My mom just turned 91, and while she didn't have the same experiences as your grandma, she is also awesome. She also still lives in her own home, still does all her own housework, tends to her flowerbeds, and still sews beautifully, although she doesn't make clothing anymore...just makes the cutest baby quilts and stuffed animals and dolls. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure that your grandma will love your new home, and she will likely give you the biggest hug instead of a kick in the pants! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Grandma is an inspiration!
Sounds like you come from a long line of Goddesses!

I think she will be proud of you, for all that you've done.

I know the divorce seems rather anti-climatic, doesn't it?
Mine was signed and finished and I didn't know for a week until I got a copy in the mail. For all the hoopla of the wedding, and all the drama of the marriage -- to just go get the mail when its done seems really weird.

I had a good group of friends who were wonderful. I wouldn't say we celebrated -- but they definitely helped keep my mind occupied, and kept me busy.

At first I had to make a conscious effort to plan activities for my "alone" time. I really heavily scheduled myself, kept very very busy. My kids were much older than DD at the time. So I did happy hours, and pedicures, and movies with friends, met lots of new people, expanded my circle of friends. Met other single women -- they are the most fun to do things with. You don't have that 5th wheel issue like you do with couple friends.

Now I truly enjoy my "alone" time. I like just being in my house by myself reading a book.

Hi Bugs,

I am now 3-1/2 months on the D-line. You will be pleased how much Plan B has helped you to make the transition. And a very new mind set will come very quickly. You will suddenly realize, “Wow, I really am single.” And the world seems to notice it to without a word from you.

There is a relief that the fight is over and times of sadness (sometimes plain pissed off). But the healing starts pretty quick.

Usually the new guy/gal has to buy the first round at the D-line but in your case I will make an exception.

You fought a good fight for your family. You should be proud. The kids will remember what you tried to do forever.

This is just ME, BUGSY...

I'm still here for you...Care about you...

But the TRUTH IS..DIVORCES make ME sad..and when I read your thread today..almost got a little teary...

I'm HAPPY FOR YOU..that you have GROWN into such a WONDERFUL PERSON..

But no HAND CLAPPING from me..this is not just ANOTHER DAY..that's a slap in the face of MARRIAGE..which is meant to be TIL DEATH DO YOU PART...WHAT GOD HAS BROUGHT TOGETHER..LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER...

I think you should take time out to GRIEVE this..and do not sweep the sadness of this for you under the rug...

((((BUGS))))

Bugs - I got this in an email this morning. I think the timing fits for you right now.

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter. 'Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need Sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.'

'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women... your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact with her Sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, Sisters are the mainstays of her life.

After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:

THIS SAYS IT ALL:

Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT.........

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!

The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

(((Bugs)))

Hi Everyone.

Since I'm working from home, I am able to get on my personal computer and post, Thank Goodness!

First, thanks EVERYONE for checking in with me. Each of you brings something very special to my day, for which I am ever so grateful.

Mimi, it's so funny how you seem to read me every time. How did you know I'd had a HUGE sobbing crisis this morning?


My Grandma & Mom had just left. Grandma was so impressed and thrilled with the house, as I knew she would be. I read Chris's post about things eventually getting easier. I know they will, that wasn't the trigger. I then read that my kids will forever remember how I fought for my marriage and it set me off.

And I feel so GUILTY in addition to feeling so incredibly sad. How can I feel so sad, so unhappy when I have been so incredibly blessed? I sit here in a beautiful home, I have a great job, decent income, I don't have to worry about how I am going to pay the bills or have food for us to eat like SO many here do - - like my Grandma had to and my oldest sister had to. I KNOW I am indeed watched after.

Yet, it HURTS so much. I just kept telling God how sorry I am if it seems that I am unappreciative or ungrateful.

Then I got a message that Drac wanted to know if I'd want to pick up DSS from the dr office Friday afternoon. He has a check up appt.

There went another trigger.

Miss Meggy, your BEAUTIFUL post above just totally did me in! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE IT! That is why I am posting now instead of working. You are all my Girl(and boy)Friends. Who else would truly understand how miserable I feel right now?

Most folks are giving me the "It's good that it's finally over so you can move on" speech. I know they care & are trying to help.

I'm just not THERE yet. I still love my husband. I still want my marriage. As you say, Mimi, I still need to grieve, so I am going to allow myself to do so today.

Thank you ALL for understanding and for always being here for me.

Thinking of you, Bugs.

((((bugs))))

Fox

(((Bugs))),

It's okay to grieve. We all are there right with you.

Still

Thanks, Wild & Still.

I will only say that today sucked.

((((BUGS))))

DId we trade places today? I sobbed yestterday and SUNDAY...

I think that it does get better...I have fiath that it does anyway...

Thinking of you! YOur Sister Angel, with new tools...LMAO...well some!!

Hey Rin,


I am so happy you are getting some tools! To be back home with so much to do and no tools?? The fact that you pulled yourself back from the brink had to be hard for you, but you did it!! I am really proud of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I gave myself permission yesterday to just let myself feel as horrible as I did. It wasn't pretty. I did keep DD from knowing it, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

So for today, my promise is to do better - for her. Dont care much about doing it for me yet, so am going to do it for her. Looking down on her sleeping angel face last night, I knew I could do nothing less.

So, am putting on my game face today. Going out to conquer the world again. I am a successfull, smart, intelligent professional woman - - I just need to remember HOW to do that again today.

Am taking it one day at a time for now, because I really am not ready for any more than that. Today will be challenge enough. I have to take the court ordered parenting class tonight and I am NOT looking forward to it. To be honest, I am dreading it. I don't want to sit there listening to someone tell me how I have to get along and be "friends" with Drac for the sake of the kids.

I think I'm getting MAD again just thinking about that. I am supposed to STUFF my hurt and anger away. I am supposed to STUFF down the damage he has done dragging the HO into my children's life and be nice? UGH, my stomach is just churning!

I am supposed to act as though a family that has been ripped apart is BEST for my kids? Don't get me wrong, I will do my best to keep my kids out of the middle of things but I didn't create this situation to begin with. They should not be "in the middle" of anything but an intact, complete family unit. THAT is what is best for kids. JMHO.

Ok, so I don't KNOW that it will be that way at class, but if I were a betting woman, I'd give it 90% odds. We'll see. I'll TRY to keep an open mind. Mom is coming over to be here when Drac drops off DD after his visit, so atleast I don't have to worry about hiding out for that wonderful event!

Gotta run - - I have a world to conquer.

Thanks for checking in!!

I wish I had more to give you than a cyber-hug, Bugs. I feel for you.

(((Bugs)))