BUGS:

Sorry about the class tonight.

Wish it was the MB Weekend you were going to instead.

Betcha a dollar that Drac is sitting at home wondering "how did I get HERE?"

Every time he makes that 3 hour round trip he can think about it some more.

((((BUGS))))

LG

Hey guys, thanks!

I had a better day yesterday. MADE myself focus on work and did better. Not SUPER, but better.

As expected, class just sucked. I learned nothing new and was really just depressed looking around the room and hearing some of the stories of others there. What pain there was in that room. I could actually "feel" it in the air. It really was HORRIBLE.

Normally in those settings, I feel the need to participate, to help out the instructors by giving SOME kind of feedback. Not last night. I was totally quiet. I did my time, filled out the paperwork and got outta there as fast as I could. Mostly I sat there feeling angry with Drac for the fact that I had to be there at all.

Mom was home for DD when Drac dropped her off. Apparently they had dinner, LOOKED AT A HOUSE IN MY NEW TOWN, and went to the car wash and washed Drac's car.

Yes,,,,they looked at a house in my town! I just don't know what to think about that. I decided to use a phrase my Mom taught me long ago, "I'll cross that bridge IF/WHEN I come to it". SO many things have gone through my mind on that. I am going to post about that later,,,,

DD woke VERY early with a nightmare. Poor baby. That doesn't happen often. I'll have to see if she wants to talk about it more to find out what's going on with that. She may be coming down with something.

Well, I have an early conference call with a customer, so am going to prepare for that. Here's hoping I can get another Good day's work in today - while keeping those thoughts of him moving close at bay!

Hey Bugsmom.. you've given me so much help and support in the brief time I've been here.

I'm sending prayers your way in hopes that you will find peace, and a few moments of Zen where you can remember to live in the moment, and appreciate it for what it is.. another day that God has blessed you with to be who you are for yourself and for your kids.

You are a wonderful, strong woman, and you can and will get through the tough times that life throws at you. Just remember that every time life seems to weigh you down, you build more inner strength to pick yourself back up.. that strength will never go away.

That which doesn't kill us, does indeed make us stronger.

You'll be fine.. sometimes it won't feel that way, but know that your strength will get you through.

Now I just need to take some of my own advice.

*hugs*

Hey James!

It's hard to argue with a man that quotes from one of my favorite movies - Steel Magnolia's -

Did you know this line is in that movie?

LOL!

Seriously, thanks for your kind words. I am pleased to hear that someone is finding help here from me & my sitch. I think you are doing extremely well.

I haven't posted today on your thread, as I am still trying to decide my thoughts on your sitch. I think it is DEFINITE that you fight for you child, but I am thinking your WW needs some Plan A,,,,,,However, being no expert myself, I am still pondering my thoughts on that.

I think you did an excellent job in your conversation with WW by the way. Of course, as you have been told, not much, if anything will get through that fog right now. However, perhaps someday she WILL remember what you said.

I gotta run, but wanted to say THANKS to you, too. Hang in there.

Bugs,

Not much to add.... I remember sitting in that class also about a year ago thinking what will this really teach our kids? That the most important person in our life can hurt us beyond repair but we are suppose to suck it up and make nice. No consequences at all.

Just venting... you are a strong woman and don't you forget that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Still

Just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you. Bugs, I hope that YOU know that however this turns out you can be proud for the way that you've conducted yourself. You've taken the high road throughout this whole mess and have taught your daughter and DSS a very important life lesson. That no matter what comes your way, you face it head on, even if you're shaking in your boots or feel like walking away... and you do it with dignity. You have grown so much.

As for DRAC looking for a house in your town, whatever his reasons, I'm not really surprised. It is obvious how much he really depends on you. That may be sinking in big time now.

(((Bugs)))

>>It's hard to argue with a man that quotes from one of my favorite movies - Steel Magnolia's -

>>Did you know this line is in that movie?


Yeah.. I did.. not sure it started there, but it's a saying I've started taking to heart.

Hang in there together with the wonderful support group we've both found in our friends here.

Don't thank me yet.. I'm far too needy of help and I'm sure I'll be in a severe 'thank you' debt to you before this one is all over..


*hugs*

Hey Bugsy,

Thanks for posting about your grandmother. She sounds like a fine lady. I'm sorry to hear about the divorce. I don't think there is much I can say that others haven't. Just that I'm thinking of you.

You are a very strong person, Bugsy, and I admire you. Don't forget to let yourself grieve when you need to. Just because the D is final, does not mean that this is the end of your sitch with DRAC. I still think Plan B is the best thing for you. Anyway, hugs to you lady.

Bugs, just reading about the class you had to go to tells me that you're way stronger than me.

And I agree with SL. Stay in Plan B. Divorce is only the endpoint if you choose it to be that way.

(((Bugs)))

Thanks so much everyone for the great support & kind words.

I don't necessarily see myself as being really strong, but just getting by one day at a time. As you read, I have great role models in my life & try very hard to live up to the examples they have set.

I said this morning that I would post about my thoughts regarding Drac possibly moving to my same town. I've thought about it off and on all day. My original reaction is the same as yours, Miss Meggy,,,


However I didn't think of it terms of his relying on me, but more that he will count on my stepping up to the plate to take care of things, especially when it comes to the kids and mostly, in terms of what DSS is lacking right now. I am afraid he will try to manipulate & use me,,,,,and NOT recognize or acknowlege in any way that HE needs me - just that he needs me to take care of the kids.

I could be WAAAYY off base with that, but it was my intial reaction. Not sure if I will stick with that thought, we'll see if it plays out. With Drac, he "talks" about doing a lot of things. Other than divorcing me right quick, he hasn't had a great track record of following through with many of the plans he talks about. THAT is part of what upset me at first, because he's drawn DD into the "plan". What happens for her & her feelings when he doesn't follow through? SHE gets hurt, upset & disappointed. NOT FAIR to a child!

He's laying the groundwork, though. DD left him a vm earlier. He called back & she was off the phone pretty quick. She came and said that "He just wanted to hear my voice". He's playing up the angle of missing her and wanting to be closer to her. Which is interesting as he only spent 2 hours with her yesterday.

She told me tonight that Drac mentioned something to her about his Dad moving soon?? AND he told her it would be FARTHER away from her. DUMB< STUPID Drac! She already feels disconnected from her Grandpa, the last thing she needed to hear about was him going even farther away from her! UGH! Well, I told her WE would call Grandpa tomorrow night and find out what the story is for sure.

Oh, remember how Drac has asked me "NUMEROUS times not to use the kids as messengers"?

And also remember that I left both cats, the one I bought Drac and the one Drac bought for me at the house?

And remember Drac got ANOTHER cat while living at his dad's house?

DD tells me, Daddy says that "A doesn't like the new cat, and she REALLY misses you Mommy! Daddy says that I should ask you to please, please take A here with us".

WHAT???? I almost laughed out loud. Instead, I explained my reason for not wanting A here and that if Drac wants to ask me about taking the cat, then he needs to talk to me about it. It's not her job to have to deliver messages for Daddy.

I had a message sent to him yesterday requesting him to drop DSS off at my office tomorrow after his doctor visit. I decided that was better than my having to go to the dr office to get him after his appt for several reasons. First, it will save me an hour or 2 out of the office & away from work. Second, it save me trying to figure out exactly how to avoid seeing Drac. Three, it puts the responsiblity for the entire appt on Drac, where it should be.

Drac apparently replied with several accomodating options for me to consider. He could take DSS with him to his office after the appt, and I could get him on my way home. OR he even offered to bring him to my house if someone was going to be here or I could let him know when I'd be home.

WHAT?? On a FRIDAY NIGHT??? Being kind and accomodating to ME???

I just had a reply sent sent that no, take him to Bugs office.

One last Drac update. His good friend, C, told me that he agrees that Drac has many old issues to face before he can be happy with himself or anyone else. To quote him, he said, "Drac has the soul of the kind Dr. Jekyl, but the heart of Mr Hyde". Prett accurate. He said he has talked to Drac just one time briefly since our court date. He says that since the 4th grade when they met, Drac ALWAYS pulls away from him when he is ashamed and/or hurting.

So, perhaps I should be glad that he hasn't heard from Drac much? It could be a sign of Drac's finally coming close to seeing what he has done or perhaps moving closer to hitting bottom?

Opinions on any of this anyone?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Maybe it's not any of those thing. But, you know what, I DIDN'T think about that question nonstop today. It crossed my mind. I acknowledged to myself that YES, I do hope that is the case and then I moved on with what I needed to do.

I had another fairly productive day at work, which helps me feel better about myself. Other than a new boss who is driving me & my co-workers crazy, work is good!

Someone asked me on the phone why I was in such a good mood today. I told her, "I am not in a good mood. In fact, my mood kind of sucks right now, but I a made a decision. I can wallow in it or I can suck it up and atleast act happy. It eventually helps me 'feel' happy." And it did. For today, it worked.

One last question before I say good night - - Did anyone else notice that big, bright, beautiful moon tonight? It was spectacular,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but it scares me a bit. You never know what is going to happen when it's a full moon! LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I am going to hit the bed a bit early as I am waking really early lately and need to get some rest. Maybe I'll be up early enough for a workout tomorrow am! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Night all and thanks again for being here!

Mah-ve-lous Bugs,

Well I just caught up on your sitch and I am both happy and sad for you.

Happy for the fight in you to go the distance.
Sad that the D has become reality for you.

Thank you for your kind words to me recently, all in the midst of your own heartache and pain.

A friend shared this with me today and I thought it was appropriate for you:


Hugs for Bugs
(((((Bugs)))))

It's not worth the energy to worry about anymore Bugs. I keep wasting time waiting for the 115 Lb Wayzilla tomato splat but guess what? It may never happen. She and Gollum are together now and there is a chance they may end up happy for a long time. Or miserable. But either way it has nothing to do with me anymore. Time will heal.

Hey Guys!!

IAPBS, what a beautiful story that was! Thank you so much for sharing with me! I love the visual I have from that.




You know, I don't know about having the fight to go the distance. I don't know what going the distance now means for me?? I am trying to figure that out right now. Yet, I am not spending a whole lot of time on it. I just think I will know what that means at the right time.

I'm not thinking in terms of having a deadline or a point in time where I think of "giving up". I am thinking only in terms of living my life on a daily basis. I look forward, yes, to some things in the near future. I think of them in terms of the reality of it being just me & the kids without Drac. But, I don't get bogged down in it or the details of it. Nor do I think of any event in terms of "Drac will NEVER be a part of this with us again".

It's hard to explain. I don't feel like my love for Drac is gone forever. A bit of it is still locked away. A bit of me is still hoping for his return and recovery for us.

Yet, I don't think about it non-stop. I don't go down every possible "WHAT IF" path. It just remains a hope.

Chris, you said



I know that you are right. For me, right at this moment, it is right "to a point". I don't waste an inordinate amount of time on this. It does not rule my every waking moment the way it once did. YET, I do allow myself time to think about it at certain times. For me, it is part of keeping that bit of hope alive,,,,,,,,,,,,,,for now.

I admire you so much. I am impressed with your ability to see and SAY what you did above. That takes such strength. Some day, I expect I will be at the same place, but just not yet.

The truth is, I really DO want to see the arrival of the Karma Bus for Drac. Because if it doesn't come, I don't think he will EVER try to face what he needs to about himself and his past (not just regarding us). If he doesn't do that, he will never find true peace or happiness. Don't get me wrong,,,,I don't want that peace & happiness for him and the HO!! eeek!

I DO want it for the man I love. Part of that is in the hope that we would have a chance to recover, but mostly it is for HIM to grow & heal. For him to be the BEST dad possible for our kids, he needs to find the way.

I think I've begun to ramble here,,,,,,. I hope this makes some kind of sense to someone out there! LOL!

Time for the morning routine! Hope you all have a GREAT Friday! I intend to! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think I'm already getting to the same place in regards to my WW.. the way she's thoughtlessly hurting the kids makes it really easy for me to be angry with her, and turn off the hopeless feelings of the love that is quickly draining to nothing for her.

It's all about the children right now, and my WW and your Drac know that it's the easiest way to hurt you, trigger you, and find a way to try and control you from a distance.

It's almost fortunate for me though that she's completely cut off DSD.. it means I have nothing left to lose in fighting for my son.

I too want my WW to find peace and happiness, and I know she will not where she is at. I simply pray for her when I think about it, and let it go to God. I'm in the process of letting go.. something SDGuy talks about a lot in his thread. It's hard sometimes, but I have to think about it in terms of survival. I need to get back to living life every day and making the most of it. Wallowing will get me nowhere. I'm seeing that you are feeling much the same way.

Be proud of yourself Bugs.. you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have a lot of people who care about you.. most importantly, your children.

OK, let me expand a little on having the fight to go the distance.

You fought for what you believed in - you marriage - up to the D being final. You never backed down, never gave up, never lost sight of the goal. You may have stumbled, but you never failed, never laid down and surrendered.

You took care of your self, your kids, and made a new home despite all this.

Now you are right about not knowing what the future holds, but you know who holds the future.

Jeremeiah 29:11 (NIV):
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 33:3 (NIV) (our paster refers to this as God's phone number):
'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'


Fully understand you here - it's the same for me with my WW.

Hi Guys!!

I had a decent, if somewhat frustrating day at work. Glad to be home. Glad to have my kids for the weekend. They are outside playing with the neighbor kids - - that is something they really didn't get to do at our other house, so I am loving that for their sake.

I opened the window so I can hear their laughter. It's the best sound in the world! We are going to stay up late, watch movies, and eat snacks that aren't good for us!!

Drac dropped DSS off at my office, as requested. DSS came in the back door by himself. I didn't know they were there until he walked in. I had pulled my blinds on my office window so no one could see in and I wasn't tempted to look out.

DSS brought in bag with cookies in it for me. It took me by surprise. He & Drac had gone to lunch together and bought them. I just assumed that they'd bought some and these were leftover. Turns out, no, they were bought specifically for me??? I didn't ask whose idea it was - but am even more surprised to have gotten them. It's the only thing Drac has done for me in almost a year.

Now, don't worry. I'm not over the top about cookies!! They are EXCELLENT cookies but I am in no way seeing them as a crack in the armor or a start to recovery!! LMAO as Rin would say!!

IAPBS,



Thank you, thank you for these!! Perfect words at the perfect time for me.

Have a great weekend everyone!

The kids just talked to Drac,,,,I usually come into my office to read & post while they are on the phone.

DD just came in to tell me that something has made her "Very Sad".

I asked her what.

"Something you said and Daddy said. Daddy says that A (the cat) doesn't like T (new kitten), and I love her and I miss her but YOU won't let her come here. Daddy asked me what you said and I told him you said NO, because of the cat hair. That's NOT FAIR".

I explained ALL of the reasons for not bringing A cat here. But here I am, the BAD GUY for saying no. She is downstairs crying. I feel like a piece of CRAP and it's all because of DRAC stirring this up. DD was FINE with cat A being at Daddy's until now.

I could just STRANGLE him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

So, is this a manipulation by him for a reaction from me or is it just Dumb Drac (XWS) behavior? UGHGHG!!

I realize on DD's part that part of HER actions are manipulation. But, I expect that from her, she is 6 for goodness sake. How DARE he do this to HER! A$$. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Bugs --
I can SOOOOO relate to you. I had the same situation over a cat.

My XH lives in our old house. Our cat stayed there, for a variety of reasons but mostly it was her HOME. Plus I was living in an apartment until my house was built.

When I moved into my new house I (well really my son...) got 2 kittens for our new house. So we were "set" for pets.

One night, my XH decided he didn't want the cat anymore. So he absolutely TORMENTED my very soft-hearted daughter. He called her and said to say goodbye to the cat, because he was going to drive her out in the country and leave her.
He was about to do it right then.

So I have my daughter in the car with me just sobbing and yelling into the phone. I end up having to go to his house so she could run in and rescue the cat.

So I ended up taking the cat. And of course this cat does not get along with the other 2. So we have CONTINUAL cat fights. And every time it happens it makes me ANGRY with XH.

Its TOTAL manipulation on his part.
I would take your time and compose a message to send through your Intermediary. Maybe address him sending messages through the kids at the same time....

What an A$$!!!

Lexxxy,

Hey there. I couldn't sleep and then after reading your post am so mad for YOU! OMG!!



THAT is incredible! Thank goodness Drac hasn't taken it THAT far,,,,yet. I would hope he wouldn't, but one never knows with an XWS, do they?

After I talked to DD in my office, she left upset and angry with me. I went downstairs after posting. She'd gone to her room and was lying on her bed crying. I talked to her for a bit more about it, but held firm in my decision. I really wanted to tell her to "tell" daddy to get rid of the NEW cat, but I held my tongue & my temper.

That A would not be happy here alone & it was unfair to her to be here all day all alone. It's up to US to do what is best for our pets, even though it may be hard for us. That's what we do when we love someone. She seemed to understand.

I did tell her we were getting our own pets. In fact, we are going to get fish for our fish tank today. She then asked me if she is still getting a puppy. I said yes. We'll find the right puppy at the right time. And, that was another reason for A to stay where she is. It wouldn't be fair to bring here here and then add a new puppy to the mix. We talked for less than 5 minutes, as I did not want to dwell on the whole thing too much. I asked her if she wanted me to leave, she said yes.

I gave her about 15 minutes and went back to ask her if she wanted to come upstairs and watch the movie we'd planned on. She was sitting on her bed, reading a magazine about her favorite singers and was in a perfectly HAPPY mood. We chatted about the magazine & finished up our evening being very happy. So, Score one for Bugs! Guess I handled it OK!

I've been thinking about exactly what you suggest



In thinking about this, I have been very hesitant to do this because I think that is exactly what he is wanting. To force me into dialogue in any way he can. He's a smart man. He KNOWS it HAS to be getting to me that he's sending message through the kids. He's doing it on purpose.

I really think that by reacting in ANY way, it's going to be giving him a fix. As I recall being asked/told before -

- Is this an EMERGENCY? No.

Does it REALLY require communication from me? No.

Is DD ok? yes

Then why bother to break the darkness in ANY way?

No reason for now. JMHO, but it's what I'm going with,,,,,for now.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bugs:

It is a tactic.

Cookies
Cat

Even LilSis WH's tried to give her the dog back.

Truly wierd the similarities.

Oh, that's right, they are reading from the same book.

No, it's not an emergency.
DD will be upset.
Drac may tell her that he is dumping cat off on a back road.

Let him do it. HOW can that make YOU the bad guy?

Because you let him make you the bad guy.

It's easier for him that way.

So.... Chin up.

It's going to be a beautiful weekend.

LG