I see there has been lots of good stuff on your thread lately, Bugs. Talk about wanting recognition of wrongdoing from the WS, sadness over the finality--all things that could have come from my own head.

I'm glad to hear that you're doing so well. Keep up the good work. You have a lot to be proud of.

WOW!! THAT SOUNDS WONDERFUL!!!

thanks, Mimi.

You know very well how hard I worked, especially when first coming to this board. I spent a great deal of time reading, studying, changing. I spent time in IC, in self reflection, and journaling. I wanted to change for me, and for the sake of saving my M.

My M is now over. Yet the need & desire to continue to be a "better" me continues. So, I will continue to work on me. I need to do Something positive with the energy that is no longer being spent on saving my M! First thing is going to be about getting a bit more healthy. I am making an appt today with my gyn. Sorry guys,,I won't get graphic, but I haven't had a period since April. I just chalked it up to "stress", but am thinking it's more than that. My abdomen is swollen and I've gained 6 pounds in the last few weeks. EEEK!

DD & I are getting into a good routine here at the new house now. I have Wed. nights open until Drac brings her home at 8. I am going to plan something those nights. As it's my only "free" night, I am going to start with just catching up with friends. Since moving, I've not done as much of that and miss it. I thought about taking a class at the local college or doing a class at they gym as well, but with the holidays coming up, am not going to do anything that is "set", so I will have time to do holiday 'stuff' on those nights.

DD hasn't shared with Drac how truly upset she is over his getting rid of Cat A. She asked me last night to email him FOR her. As gently as I could, I told her no. SHE needs to be the one to tell him. Talk about hard to explain to a 6 year old! How do you explain that the LAST person he would listen to is me?

I didn't hear back from my brother last night. Mom did call me as she had talked to him. He promised to call her every morning when he is leaving for work so that she knows he is on his way and so that she won't worry. I pray he sticks with that.

Well, am off to the shower.

Have a great day all.

Oh - - Rin, if you read this, you will be SO proud of me! I installed a new handle, arm & chain on my toilet last night!! I am trying hard to be the Toolbelt Diva like you! LOL!

Sounds like you're doing really good Bugs.

I'm trying to look at things this way as I enter a psudo Plan B (at least while custody is being determined) with my WW. There are two possible outcomes here.

A) Recover my M
B) Be a happy wonderful single guy again

Either way I win. Recovery obviously is the much harder road, plus you have no guarantees of success or that the other person is even willing to engage in the hard work it will take. Self improvement is so much easier, it only requires willpower to do what you already know is best for you. (which I admittedly am in short supply of these days, but working on it).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're on the path you're supposed to be on. God has a plan and we must trust it, and embrace the challenges placed in front of us to learn and better ourselves.

I'll be praying for your brother, and hope you hear from him soon. I'll be praying for you that your Dr. visit goes well and nothing serious is going on there.

major hugs for Bugs ((((((((((Bugs)))))))))))

J

Bugs - have you taken a pregnancy test?

Bugs,

That was the first thought that also came to my mind.....

Keep us posted.

BTW I hope I do as "well" as you have done when my D is final.

Still

I can't recall when, but I remember bugs posting about having some SF with Drac. Around the time he was unscrewing the light bulbs.

FCF & Still,

Thanks for the concern, but no, am not pregnant! Drac had surgery a few years ago (thank goodness), and I am very attuned to the PG symptoms (I had 5 miscarriages in my life).

To be extra sure, I did take a test. I can't BEGIN to imagine what that would have meant for my sitch!!

I have 2 questions.

First, I talked to DSS yesterday. He had a health report that was due Tues. We talked about it on Sun. Well, guess what? It didn't get turned in.

Do I contact Drac about that?

I was going to send a note with DSS on Sunday for Drac to be sure he followed up with DSS about it Tues am, but I didn't due to the issue with DSS losing his phone here. I didn't want to cause more drama & was "trusting" DSS to do it and turn it in.

Second question - DD apparently talked to Drac about getting rid of Cat A again last night (I know,, I am tired of hearing about it, aren't you?).

Anyway,,,, DD tells me this morning that she told Drac that she wants us to get back together and then we don't have to get rid of Cat A.

Now, WE all know that the IMPORTANT part of that statement for DD was the Mommy & Daddy getting back together statement, not the cat part. However, I am pretty sure that Drac will think only about the cat part.

Here's where my question comes - I asked DD, "Now you understand that isn't happening, right?"

DD says "Well, that's not what Daddy says"

WHAT?????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I replied, "oh really? So what does Daddy say about that?"

DD, "Well he says maybe someday it will happen"

I don't get this. WHY would he say that? It's not like he hasn't told DD before that it is OVER and that we aren't getting back together. Why back peddle now? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I am upset with him saying that to her now because it only serves to confuse her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Thoughts anyone??

Does DD know that you are now divorced, and what that means?

Sounds like DRAC trying to hold onto that last strand of thread that used to make up your quilt of life together. If he tells DD, don't you think he knows that she will tell you? It's a form of manipulation, and it is so wrong to do that to his DD, so wrong (shaking my head).

Is this comment really out of line with what he has been doing lately? Hasn't he been trying to hold onto you, keep you enmeshed, through the kids? SEems par for the course to me.

Are you going to continue on in Plan B? If you are, then I vote no. Why not contact DSS directly about it? If Drac's having the conversations with DD about getting back together with you "someday" then he may ask DSS anyways what you wanted. I can't help but think in the back of his mind he'll admire (or feel guilty about) the mother-child relationship you're trying to maintain with DSS. That may go a long way down the road.


That IS maddening and you're right about it confusing DD. I guess I would have said something along the lines of, "I know you would love to see mommy and daddy get back together. But sweetheart, the only way that could happen now is if he came to me and told me that's what he wanted. In the meantime, you want some ice cream?!?

(((Bugs and DD)))

Oh man.. that's a rough one Bugs..

I know it is because if I heard my DSD or DS say that mommy said that to them, I think my heart would leap into my throat. Honestly I'm not so sure I'm ready for that just yet.

It's like last night when I was talking to DSD's grandmother (who had an hour long conversation with WW on the phone the other night, basically railing her for keeping DSD from me and stating that she didn't understand how what was such a strong marriage only months ago wasn't worth working on) who said to me that when talking about our marriage, WW kept saying 'Right now, I'm done'... DSD's GM said that my wife said it like that 4 or 5 times.. always prefacing it with 'Right now'... add to that her dad and sister are -very- upset with her, and she revealed that to DSD's GM and has been telling me the whole time that my IL's supported her decision and saw this coming a long time ago.

It's Fogspeak... maybe some of it's true.. more likely it isn't. If he's not knocking down your door begging for forgiveness and to work on the M.. then beyond the cruelty of getting DD's hopes up for a reunited family.. it means nothing to you.

(((Hugs for Bugs)))

OMG, you aren't PREGNANT are you????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Oh, Mimi, you need to get caught up a bit more,,,,No- Iam not pregnant!

Although I am sitting here laughing at the look that was probably on your face when you posted that question!!

To answer some of the questions -

Yes, DD does know that we are divorced. Remember that I have been very open about how we were STILL MARRIED all of this time, and that I continued to wear my rings.

The other night, an opening came in our conversation, so I did tell her that we are divorced as she had also noticed I did not have on my rings. We talked about it, but did not dwell on it. She understands,,,,as well as any 6 year old can understand.

Yes, I am continuing Plan B. To come out of the darkness now would only serve to hurt me and the personal recovery I am making.

So, Miss Meggy, I like your idea to continue one on one with DSS. THAT is exactly what I have been doing. I call him before Drac gets home just to check in on him. I will continue to do that.

The fact of the matter is, Drac should be checking on his homework with DSS every night. Obviously that is not happening and it is no longer my "job" to make sure Drac does it. However, as DSS's MOM, I will continue to do MY job by checking up on him. Now, many may disagree with this stance,,,,,,,,,that I should be working more WITH Drac on this, and I can appreciate that. However, that won't work for ME right now.

Meggy, I also like your response to DD,,,, that Daddy needs to tell me if he is wanting any type of reconciliation. I already followed up this morning with the "make the statement and move on to another subject". I don't have long conversations with DD about Drac - - - In fact, we rarely have conversations that include anything about him at all. When we do, it's short & sweet and we move on to our own lives.

James,,,you may have had the most direct response to this and I am sure you are correct - -



It's funny,,,when she said it this morning, I was more just taken aback VS that feeling of my heart in my throat,,,,which used to be the reaction EVERY time his name was even mentioned.

I need to continue on just as though her comment this morning was never made. They are just words spoken by a XWS to a 6 year old. Until there is any ACTION behind the words, they really don't exist, do they?

Just stay in Plan B like you are Bugs. There is still some room on the dark side of Pluto.

I am very sorry he twisted up your little girl both with the stupid cat and false hopes of reconciliation.
That is cruel.

Way too many casualties on this forum.

No, and you know that. Stay in your plan B and protect yourself and your recovery.

I like the way you talk to your daughter. I like PM's suggestions, too. Maybe even reinforce that it's not DD's job to bring messages back and forth and that it's not her job to try to repair the marriage (if Daddy wants to fix it, he knows what he has to do).

(((Bugs)))

Chris,


Hmmm, I am liking the idea of the dark side of Pluto. I was pretty upset when they decided it wasn't a "planet" anymore. Makes it even MORE appealing to me!

thanks GuySmiley! I appreciate the support for the interaction with DD. It's tough, isn't it? Going through this ourselves, but worse trying to know the right thing to do or say for our kids!

My brother came over tonight and helped with the final pool closing. We had a great evening. Relaxed talk about "stuff", but specific enough that it was good.

Drac sent M a message 50 minutes prior to the regular drop off time that DD wanted to come home early and asking if I was home and if it was OK. I had the reply sent that it was Ok, and they were here within just a couple of minutes. Obviously, he was right down the street & probably knew I was home. My brothers Hummer was parked in the driveway.

Bro & I were in the kitchen. I don't go to the door, but let DD just come in. Normally, even when Mom has been here, Drac has come only 1/2 way up the yard. Tonight, I glanced around the corner of the wall & Drac was AT THE DOOR. I am sure he didn't see me, but it shocked the heck out of me.

I pulled back and stayed out of sight until DD came in to the kitchen. I was glad to see that they'd gone and bought her Halloween costume. DD said that Drac will be emailing me that the day of Halloween, she can be with me because he "wouldn't have much time". What a load of crap! It's his regular night for visitation AND HIS holiday, but no,,,,, since it's not convenient, he's "giving" me the holiday.

Cool by me! We'll have a ball! They have a Halloween parade here & it's loads of fun! We'll BOTH dress up!

I made a comment to DD that it was lucky that she wanted to come home early so that she had the nice surprise of seeing her Uncle. She said she didn't ask to come home early.
DUH! No big surprise there now is it?

Poor Drac,,,,,losing out on the BEST moments of life. How sad for him.

I tried calling DSS 4 different times this afternoon and never got an answer. I will try again tomorrow. THAT really bothers me.

think I"ll hit the hay early tonight. Need to do a better job at work tomorrow,,,,,didn't accomplish anything today.

The guy is undeserving of such sympathy Bugsmom.. if only the Ice Queen would shirk her parental responsibilities off on me instead of onto wonderboy and his family I know -I- wouldn't feel the slightest bit sorry for him..

I'd dance a jig... (I'd have to learn how first)

James,

I understand how you feel. The thing is I am not sorry for OW. Heck, I don't know if she's even around any more. All indications are she is not - - but that is not mine to worry about.

Believe me, I've felt the same way you do. As you have been encouraged on your thread, do what it takes to just not give her the opportunities. Take DS and the responsiblities you want, stop waiting for her to "give" them to you. You don't have to wait or rely on her. Yet, easier said than done, isn't it?

You may be right in that Drac does not really 'deserve' my sympathy. And that is one of the reasons I have been able to come to the point of feeling that way - of being able to 'give' him my sympathy.

Just like I've learned here. Love isn't just a 'feeling'. It is something that can be worked on, it can be built between 2 people.

The same can be said for my feeling sympathy in Drac having chosen to miss out on special moments in his daughter's life. Don't get me wrong, YES I've felt GREAT anger at him, and at times, still do. But what does anger get ME? Who does that anger eventually end up hurting? ME, not Drac.

Yes, I felt great pain & hurt as well, AND still do at time. But again, who is most negatively impacted by that? Me.

So, by letting go of the anger & hurt - - or by atleast accepting that I can't change it, I have been able to (for the most part) change my feelings from great anger, great pain into sympathy for him.

But I didn't start to do this FOR HIM. I did it FOR ME. For MY well being - mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Is it 100% all of the time? Heck no! But it's enough of the time that it is better for ME.

Does he "Deserve" my sympathy? No. No more than he still "deserves" my love. Yet I do love him still, although I keep it down deep & locked away as much as I can in order to protect it.

My goodness, if God can forgive me the many many sins I've committed, as a Christian, I must do my best to be like Christ. It's only thru God's grace (and help from MB!)that I have gotten to this point.

I am praying that something today gives you joy enough to dance that "Jig"! ALL men can dance a jig, even if they don't know it! Think Walter Brennan in the Treasure of the Sierra Madre. If Walter Brennan can do a jig, I'd bet you can!

Here's hoping James gets "jiggy with it" today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Wow.. you know, you're right.

I hope that I can get to a point, and soon where I can be as at peace with my WW as you seem to be.. I do still love her, though I couldn't begin right now to tell you why. She is finding new ways to hurt me daily, which for the life of me I cannot understand.

I don't want to be angry, hostile.. because that's currently my WW's job.. I'm trying my best to be kind, gentle, and loving.. the way a husband and father should be. My son gets that.. my daughter gets that.. my WW and DSD are missing out on a great thing. I know that in my head.. but in my heart I still feel like I'm the one losing.

I'll find reasons to smile today. Hey, I woke up this morning, that's a start.. my dog loved on me this morning.. that's another thing (he's sorta silly in the mornings).. and my shower felt really good.. Made it to work early and am mostly through my morning routine.. and... ITS FRIDAY!!!

I get to see my son this weekend.. now if that isn't a reason to smile, I don't know what is... My boy was so happy on the phone last night to hear that I was going to pick him up from daycare tonight... he does my heart good. I miss him.

Keep the chin up Bugs.. you're a wonderful person, a wonderful mom, and you've proven to be a wonderful friend to this poor stranger.

James,

Now THAT is the right attitude! FIND things to help lift you up.

Honey, believe me, I understand the feelings. The LOSS that you realize and how badly it hurts right now. Give yourself time.

As you have read, unfortunately there are a lot of us here in this sitch, and most of us are all at different places. That is a good thing, though, in that it helps us see the possibilities, the paths that our sitch may take, and it gives us infinite hope in so many ways.

Glad you are finding help here!

What are you doing with your kids this weekend?