Ok Bugs.. it's time for the, let's look at the sitch and examine how it -could- be worse, and just how lucky you are that you have an opportunity to make it better.

In your situation you actually have the opportunity to continue on a relationship with YOUR SON. Yeah, he's failing Social Studies.. and it's because he's not doing the work. Now is a -wonderful- opportunity for you to engage him in a loving and supporting way, and help teach him a valuable lesson that you yourself have learned in the last year.

It's never too late to get -your- life back on track.. but YOU have to do the work.

No matter what your circumstances, and we both know that he is acting out as a result of everything in his life being thrown into upheval. Adolescents are particularly vulnerable to the emotional setbacks of this kind of thing.

He knows that -you- are the one that was betrayed.. he also knows that -he- has been betrayed as well.. you have the opportunity to show him how to be strong and carry on through this.


Me? Heh.. I don't much get to see or talk to MY DAUGHTER.. and yep, we've had the same problems with her in the past and I worked -very- hard to resolve them with her then.. and it was because she was acting out over the loss of her biological father. I knew that, but I -forced- her to take responsibility for herself.. and you know what? She's a pretty good student these days.

NOW.. she's struggling with her Spelling grade.. the one grade that she probably required the most work with last year when they were still with me. You know why she didn't fail spelling last year? Because I worked with her -every- night.. WW doesn't.. I know she doesn't. But when I talked to her on the phone for only the 2nd time in 3 months.. you know what she said to me? 'I got an A+ on my spelling test!'.. I beamed with joy.. she's doing good.

Things -can- turn around, and you can't approach this crisis from a standpoint of 'how will Drac respond to this.. is this part of my plan'... Sorry.. you can't do that, this is about DSS, and he's more important than luring your WXH back or making him suffer. Keep your focus on the kids, yes.. wall yourself back up when it comes to WXH.. but be more open than ever to DSS.. and be -his- safe place.

I'm sure Drac isn't responding well to this because he doesn't know -how- to react.. he's still wayward.. he doesn't have the capacity to set himself aside and focus himself on the needs of his kid.

Morning all!

Well, after the exhausting week I had, last night I came home and was asleep at 8:30, which explains why I was up again today before 5! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mimi, you are right in all of your posts.

DSS's progress report was in no way an "Emergency". No one was bleeding or about to die.

The only "emergency" was the one created BY Drac ABOUT DRAC. HE didn't know what to do when finally smacked in the face with a dose of reality. HE felt overwhelmed or whatever at the moment and wanted/needed help for HIMSELF at that moment.

I wrote out in my journal what I'd like to have said to him - That I wonder if it even crossed his mind for one second how *I* might feel about his coming to me for help.

A year ago, he told me that one of the reasons he was leaving was that I "wasn't good for DSS".

Less than a month ago, he had his lawyer remind me that "I have no legal rights to DSS".

And now, when this happens who does Drac come running to for advice about DSS?

It's not my job to train/support/educate Drac on being a good parent. It's time for him to do those things on his own, as that has been his choice.

I will absolutely do everything I can for DSS on my own as well - Just as I have all along. I called and talked to DSS yesterday. He was off school all day.

We talked about what happened and had a good talk. I am going to call the school counselor on Monday to follow up. DSS needs some professional help. His almost passing out is very much a concern for me. DSS told me he felt "scared" because he didn't want Drac to be mad.

DSS believes all is going to be fine - he will be in mandatory tutoring and Drac is going to be checking his homework planner & backpack every night. Hmmm, should I be 'happy' that Drac is doing what I suggested??

When the almost passing out happened, Drac ended up sending DSS to his room. Drac then came in a bit later and asked DSS if he was on drugs!

Yet another sign of Drac looking for something,, anything,, that would help him NOT look at himself as being responsible in any way for what is going on. OR is that a DJ on my part???

So, in this regard, my focus is DSS. Period.

Drac sent me an email yesterday. A funny political email joke. I don't think he has anyone in his life with which to discuss issues & politics the way we used to. Sorry - NOT gonna happen with Bugs, either!

So, am laying low for the weekend. Shopping today with Mom & Sis. Housework later today, and some major work stuff on Sunday.

I intend to wait through Thanksgiving before possibly doing the letter meeting with Drac. In the meantime, the curtain is closed and the sign is up "No Drac Allowed".

Good. Please give an MB hug to DSS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> My son just turned 13 and while he thought that would be a magical # (full fledge teenager status... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> or so he thought <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ), he has realized he still has a lot of growing up to do.

It is a hard enough time for them as it is with their own bodies undergoing a whole new phase of their lives.., let alone having to deal with a WS/Xws. It angered me that my then WS stole that part of our son's childhood away from him by having an A. It still does. ;(

Yet, it is his responsibility to rectify it with his son and so I support you in your stances NOT to fix it for Drac. Drac needs to fix Drac. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Bugsy, you amaze me woman! Such a difficult sitch and you are handling it with class.

Thanks for dropping in on my meltdown and lending support. I got a couple of swift kicks in the pantaloons and they helped immensely.

I am happy that I did rebound and own my behavior. Dare I say that I am proud of how I conducted myself POST MELTDOWN.

As an aside, I think going back to Plan B is a solid PLAN. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

O,

I didn't know your DS was the same age?! Yes, what a tough time it can be for them,,,,hormones starting to rage, bodies changing, life challenges by the dozens that are new and difficult,,,,, and then to have the ONE man who is to set the example for them on how to be a good man is an active WS? Well, I don't have to say more to you, do I?

Thanks for the support - I really am in need of it. I spent today with Mom & Sis. I think Mom understands more than anyone else IRL,,,, Dad has cheated on her a couple of times. Sis, OTOH, is a challenge for me sometimes.

Her take on it was "how great it is that when Drac didn't know what to do, he came to you because YOU know what to do! The ONLY thing that matters is that you told him so that DSS get what he needs".

While I don't 'totally' disagree with that - it IS important for DSS to get what he needs,,,, Sis fails to think about this in the long term. I guess she expects me to continue to coach, support & train Drac into being the parent DSS needs? To heck completely with me, my feelings, the long term relationship with Drac??

I am struggling with that IRL mentality. I want only the best that I can do for DSS.

But, I don't think giving in to Drac's manipulations is the BEST for any of us? Is it right that I give of myself to Drac based on the fact that it is for the benefit of DSS?

You've got mail!!

Bugs:

He CALLED you because he has NO ONE else.

"Drac said there was a problem at school w/DSS - he 'really' needed to talk to me about. I listened to the message & it was obvious he was extremely upset. From the sound of the message, it sounded like something REALLY REALLY bad had happened.

He went on, while I just listened. Finally he says, "I just don't know what to do"."

No matter what. Your all he has left.

And since you are making yourself available, Drac calls.

So.

Perfect time to write that letter..Arrange that LUNCH... "Drac, I know WHAT to do" "About DSS, DD, and our M." "YOU know this TOO"

Sorry. You need to sail off into Darkness, or YOU NEED TO PLAN A HIM.

Do the Princessmeggy thing. YOU were ALWAYS the better choice. And AFTER your PLAN A, you SHOWED him hom much better you can be.

Besides, your just going to get squashed in the middle of the road. Emotionally.

DRAC is being broken. Slowly, Slowly. He could have left that VM, and then when you called back later, responded in a DRAC manner. But he didn't. He responded as your ex-husband. who's regretting that decision.

JMVHO

LG

mimi - thx,,, just replied, but not sure it went through,,,, see below for an update. will ck with you offline

LG,

Oh baby,,,,,here is Bugs, having drawn back the curtain and then things happen and I blow it a bit,,,,

Here's the story -

DD is with Drac this weekend. I get a call from Drac's Aunt tonight. DD is staying at Drac's Mom's house tonight. Drac's Mom calls the Aunt asking for MY phone number because she doesn't have it and DD is wanting to talk to me.

I was VERY MAD! Why the heck is she calling the AUNT for my number? Why not call Drac?

Supposedly Drac and DSS are at a concert tonight. WHAT? a child that is FAILING in school gets to go to a concert??

Anyway, the Aunt would not give Mom my number?! LOL! So she game me Mom's # (which I had already).

I waited til I calmed down and then called MomDrac. She answered and was pleasant,,,but tried to pass me off right away to DD. I asked her to wait = = then I inquired as to WHY she called the Aunt for my number,,,, why didn't she call DRAC for it? She said she DID call Drac, but could not reach him. Again, I heard that Drac and DSS were at a concert.

So, I talked to DD and she was kind of bored, but OK.

I then let my emotions rule and sent Drac a TM.

"It is not OK for whoever is caring for DD to not be able to reach you and to not have my number. Do not let it happen again - EVER"

Drac CALLED me. I did not answer. He left a vm. He said that DD is at his mom's, which he "IS ALLOWED to do" and that he didn't understand what the issue was, DD had stayed there before and that she would call me, and "Do NOT send me 'threatening' TMs,, if there is an issue, talk to your LAWYER".

WHAT?? Talk to my LAWYER?? this from the desperate, upset person who called me less than 48 hours ago because he didn't know what to do about DSS?????

Well, I figured I'd find out the truth about tonight, so I called FIL. Seems he was just getting ready to go pick up DSS for the night. Hmmmmmm,,,, I don't know of any concerts that are over by 8pm. Even if it WAS over by then, Drac lives atleast an hour away from anywhere a concert would be held.

While I was on the phone with FIL, Drac leaves another VM.

Seems I am guilty of "manipulating his mom" and that he is taking DSS to something that DSS REALLY wanted to go to tonight and that DD is going where she ASKED to go for tonight. (DD has NEVER asked to go to his Mom's,,, she barely knows her because DRAC barely likes her).

He went on to say that he really wants to talk to me, it's not about HIM, it's not about ME, it's about THE KIDS. He doesn't want to keep fighting with me,,we don't need to be friend, but can't we need to just get along. If I want to talk to him, call him back.

WTF???

Wonder if he knows yet that *I* know that tonight isn't about DSS in any way shape or form?

What is it EXACTLY that is bothering Drac? Is it that despite his best efforts to front as the 'great dad', the selfish, self centered person is being revealed???

Bugs, if I were you, I would tell DD that if something like that ever happens again, that she can call you directly. If she was MADE to go to GrandmaDRACs that's just wrong. I wonder if her feelings were hurt that DRAC took DSS somewhere and just left her behind. Do you have anything like a "first right of refusal" clause in your decree?

So DRAC not only dumped DD at inlaws but he was getting ready to dump DSS too? Grrrr.

Yep. I think you're on to something. DRAC's "Father-of-the-year" disguise is slipping.

Of course he wants to talk... he wants to splain his selfishness. Since you know DD and DSS are safe, I wouldn't respond. He knows he's wrong.

I still say he's got his claws in you Bugs and he knows it.

Some guys just have to keep reminding themselves that they have control.

You pull back again and I'll bet he starts chasing.

PM,

Oh yes, we have right of first refusal. In fact, Drac was the FIRST to bring that up already.

I knew that DD was going to be at Drac's mom's tonight. DD told me this week that was the plan. I 'assumed' it was because DracMom didn't want to drive to the bday party tomorrow. WRONG - - DracMom is taking DD TO the party tomorrow. That is what made me suspicious of the entire evening.

I understand that either one of us have family members who want to spend time with DD. I had no issue with that,,, even though "legally" I could make an issue of it.

What bothered me was that obviously DracMom couldn't or didn't know how to reach either one of of us. THAT is NOT acceptable.

Yes, I have thought about DD's feelings, IF the case was that she was being left behind. I had one answer to that - he is DRAC. Something, unfortunately, I can't fix.

As you say,, he thinks he can splain it,,,,,,,, Well, I don't believe he thinks that right now. I have a VERY strong feeling he knows he is totally BUSTED on every front.

BM, I am not super familiar with your situation...for that I am sorry. What I do see is a reason to be completely dark in a plan B. Don't get involved in anything that will bring disharmony to your life.
Isn't he your EX husband at this point? If so, why is he even being given the slightest access to your life? If he has the children with him...and this is just my opinion...if the kids are not in any danger and being well cared for, there is no reason for you to be involved in any of this. Unless the courts have given you a say in how your daughter spends her time when she is with him, I suggest that you learn to accept that this stuff is out of your control.

Lots of interaction, Bugsy. It doesn't seem to be sending you off the deep end, but it will deplete the precious reserves in your LB the more you have to speculate and wonder and rage and react.

I know it's tough with the kids to draw and maintain the lines, but the more you're able to do it, the easier things will be.

HI Bugs, I see that you have been having the same problem I've been having...I ran into POWS tonight when I went to vote...

It's hard trying to be dark...Drac just wanted to have his cover story with you....wanting to "appear" innocent...the game is still their for POWS...seems like it for Drac...

I would definitely go back to being dark to protect yourself...

I agree, Bugs. Go dark. This is emotionally draining...drama that you do not need in your life.

I've wondered as well: how does one enforce the right of first refusal? You can't (nor should you) rely on the kids to let you know when it's been broken, so you are essentially left with counting on the WS to do the right thing. HA!

Maybe inform the ILs that this is the legal agreement and you would hope and expect that they honor it. That's about all you can do...

Anyway...GO DARK, woman. Don't get sucked in. I would take his weepy phone call (Dr. Jekyll) turned to creepy WS (Mr. Hyde) as a CLEAR sign that darkness is the way to go. He got something he needed, and when it no longer suited his purpose, he reverted to form.

As others have said...he's maintaining control...he's playing a game. Remove yourself from that ugly dance.

Morning guys!

Thanks for all of the posts and support. I know the simple answer to the subject line above is just don't interact. Period.

Sis,

You are right on here -




Regarding the Right of First Refusal,,,it had never really occured to me to try to enforce this unless Drac gets in the habit of DD spending a great many of HIS days without him & with someone else. As a matter of fact, this is something HE brought up to me a while back when I was going to let DD spend time with HIS Aunt. But, that whole episode, just like now, just like every moment for the last year is about his WS entitlement. Nothing more. Nothing Less.

I wasn't upset that DD was spending the night with DracMom. What got me was that my daughter was in the care of someone who did not know how to get in touch with me, and for whatever reason, could not reach Drac. If there is an emergency of any sort, whoever that is MUST be able to reach one of us. DracMom isn't in the best of health herself. What if something happened with her while DD was there? THAT was my concern. Unfortunately, I let it spin into something else - - a back & forth with Drac. Not Good.

My friend G came by and watched tv with me last night. It was nice just to kick back with someone and not let the events w/Drac control my entire evening.

I am going to finish my coffee, clean DD's room, clean the fish tank & the hamster cages, spend some time outside with Beau, do some 'work work', and then relax this afternoon til DD comes home.

I don't know why I feel like I just had an ephipany, but I do.

I have somewhat 'avoided' reading many Plan A threads since going to Plan B,,,it was just too hard for me for a while. The last few days, though, I have been reading a few.

How could I have let myself forget the most important part of Plan A? Taking care of ME - working on ME - working FOR ME? I know that I did forget to keep this focus the way that I should.

No More.

So, I am going to consciously work to Plan A myself! Time to re-energize that Personal Power. The holidays are coming up. I LOVE the holidays!

As Rin said, time to make some New Memories!

YEEHAA! Girlfriend!

Pat yourself on the back! And YOU said "I" was amazing!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's the Angels BEST time of the year! Go forth and "BE" merry!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Rin!

I just got back from a visit to my Mom's. Totally unscheduled!

I cleaned the fish tank and was cleaning the hamster cages when I found one hamster with some kind of growth/infection on his face. he's such a tiny little thing and the growth was HUGE!

So, after finishing up most of my house chores, I took him up to my parents house. Had Dad take a look,,,and he agreed with my determination - Hamster had to be put down.
Thank God Dad was there to take care of that for me and DD need not know exactly what happend. Poor thing!

So,,, I get back here and find Miss Mimi has tattled on me! LOL! I really needed it and deserve it.

I don't know why I let it all upset me so much. The problem is that I reacted immediately to the anger I felt at his not being available when DD was with his mom & that she didn't know how to contact me. I then just dove head long into the drama.

How stupid of me!

What did I THINK was going to happen? DUH!

Why did I open myself up to that? DUH?

Feeling pretty stupid today! Double DUH!

Well, it's time to move back into the peaceful darkness. I feel no need to discuss it with Drac in any way shape or form. Just going to do it.

I am going to clean & put away the hamster cage and finish up DD's room.

Now, don't kick yourself to hard, I think sometimes we need a little reminder...

I think that you are doing the right thing! I like where I am and don't regret not talking to POWS...I mean last night he tried to use the kids to make me feel guilty...scr222w him! he can own that guilt!

Poor DD! how do you think she'll take it?