Awesome, Bugs!

Hello again!

Well, I've been thinking all day about how to update everyone and in reading LG's post to Sis, I found it.

I took this weekend, set down my backpack and gazed at the trees. I spent time with friends, family, kids, God, and the dog.

I put the first things first, which means all of the above - - - I put and last things last, Drac. And that is where he will remain unless he returns someday as H.


I need to put DD to bed, but wanted to ck in now in case I fall asleep, too! Am fighting a cold- YUCK!

Thanks for checking on me everyone. I hope to have a bit more time in the next few days to catch up here. I can't believe the post-Thankgiving pig-out I missed on SL's thread!

Mimi - - Dessertsss?? Hmmmm, I could make an inuendo here, but in the spirit of time, I will refrain! LOL!

I did tell my H that I was "IN ECTASY"..but it resulted from all the chocolatety, caramelly, pecanish, coconuttyish GOODNESS..AHHH..

I worked out an hour today, though...

I'm planning to PIG OUT again on Christmas... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Mimi,

That description has my mouth watering! I LOVE those kinds of sweets, too!

Well, as I said earlier, I've just been living life. Taking care of DD, DSS, and ME! It's been pretty darn great, too!

Today I am going for an evaluation to confirm if I am a candidate for lasik surgery. IF I am, which I am pretty sure I am based on my regular eye doctor's evaluation, I am going to have the surgery before Christmas!

It's something I've wanted to do for a while, but put off due to cost. However, this year I had put money into my medical savings account at work. I had planned on giving Drac the gift of lasik for his birthday this year. So, the money is just sitting there and I will lose it if I don't use it.

I recv'd an email from him a few days ago that he's going out of town for 4 days starting my next weekend w/the kids. I did not reply. After spending about 30 seconds wondering who/what/why/where,,,I just deleted it and moved on.

DD came home this week with a perfect progress report and a notice that she is Student of the Month!! Whoo HOO! We were BOTH SO excited!

She asked me to send Drac copies of both, so I did. That's all I sent, copies of the papers and nothing else. No note, not comments.

I later sent notice that I am out of town on business next week. Again, just the facts of what days.

He tried to engage me with 3 different emails - one offeriing to 'help' by taking DD to gymnastics while I am gone (I got it covered), another talking about DD (today Student of the Month - tomorrow Woman President), and the last, a news article link (asking, can you believe this?)

None of them worked. Again, deleted and moved on.

Recently several folks have brought his name up in conversation - I simply state I know nothing about him and I change the subject. It didn't even twinge. Just a fact of life that I don't care to discuss.

Last night while DD was with Drac, I put up some Christmas lights so she was surprised when she got home. I plan to finish those this weekend, along with the lights on the tree. I am going to wait for the next weekend with the kids to finish decorating the tree.

Plans with friends Friday night. Going to wrap presents and maybe do some shopping on Saturday. Sunday - RELAX and pack for my trip.

I am staying busy. Reading the Word daily. Staying happy, living my life. It IS a pretty good life, too!

Sounds like you're doing well Bugs.

By extracting yourself from his drama again, you're allowing yourself some peace.. great for you!

Excellent news about DD, you should be very proud, and I can tell you are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My prayers are with you.

Bugs,

You sound so great. You are doing awesome in your personal recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks James & Daze,

I have been feeling really great! Like I'm really moving forward.

Then, Murphy must have decided to visit my world today because I had one of those WTF?! things happen today.

I got a phone call from DSS's Algebra teacher. Yep, apparently Drac hasn't updated everyone to call HIM. DSS is failing math. Again, not because he can't DO the work, but because he is missing homework assignments. Yep, 3 BIG assignments SINCE the progress report incident/situation, since Drac has been supposedly checking and working with the school and DSS.

She suggested after school tutoring to help him. I politely explained the situation - and that she would need to talk to Drac. I DID explain to her WHAT she should address specifically with Drac,,giving her background on DSS, his AD/HD issues, the family situation, and Drac's appraisal that he shouldn't "have to do all of this for a 13yr old". Her response was, "Well yes, that's the point - He's 13!"

I hung up the phone and just cried. I was so upset, frustrated, and scared. If he doesn't do his work & pass Alegbra, he WON'T go on to High School. No, it's not the end of the world, but this child is SO EXTREMELY SMART! There's no reason for this to be happening! He should already be on a short list of college scholarships,,,instead he is failing Algebra.

I talked to my Mom, vented it out, and then pulled it together.

I had my evaluation appt today and am going to have Lasik surgery before the end of the year! I took the time during the drive to think about the sitch. I'd emailed a good friend who also happens to be a co-worker that also knows Drac about it. She called while I was at the dr.

Drac had called and left a vm. Bottom line is that he apparently didn't know that *I* had already talked to the teacher. He didn't mention that DSS was FAILING, he said he "met" with the teacher, brought up that the Jr high has no record of his AD/HD background, said that DSS is doing better with bringing work home, but that he needs more 'help than Drac can give him', so they are going to start tutoring 2 days a week for an hour after school to help him with this and to ck up on his other homework. He wanted to 'keep me in the loop' and to email him with my thoughts or ideas.

WTF?!

Now, Mimi, before you get really concerned, I am NOT going off the deep end here. I'm not all riled up. I did NOT repsond to his message. However, I do need to vent here.

And, there's a bit more from my conversation with my friend that I had later.

I have to take DD to dance, but will come back to finish up the story. One quick thing before I go,,,,,Drac was telling this friend the other day he had a certificate for a free portrait at a professional studio and wanted DD, me, my mom & Grandmother to get a 4 generation photo done. And Drac said "Bugs really is a beautiful woman" .

You did your part by speaking to the teacher...and you will work and talk with YOUR SON when he comes for his visits and evidence YOUR LOVE for HIM then..those times with YOU and the LOVE you have for him will have the greatest impact on HIS LIFE..and you staying dark is also BEST for him and all concerned..you know that..we still have DRAC..in HIS HANDS...you know whose hands...

So, apparently this co-worker has had conversations w/Drac about a lot of different things. Among them the fact that I will NOT be friends with him. She understands. She even asked me, 'did you say you would be friends'

Apparently he is standing on a 'what if' conversation from yrs ago where I said that. I told her, although she already knowsn that the way Dracs acted like we were over,how he committed adultery, hurting me, hurting the kids, all of that will never be OK and I can not/will not pretend that it is. We won't be friends.

Apparently he is totally overwhelmed and has admitted as much. With everything from work to housework to DSS. He may be in danger of losing his position at work. She told him that he needs to get back into counseling and that something isn't right with him and won't be until he faces whatever is going on.

She and I both agreed that he does not value himself enough. Also, he is floundering because I am not there. He chose to 'reinvent' himself last year and that did not work out, and now he has no idea what he is doing or who he is.

For goodness sake, what was the point of leaving a message that was pretty much a lie?

She said she thinks he 'wants and needs my help' but he doesn't want me to know he needs me. He draws close and then pushes away.

So, the truth is, he continues to spiral down but has as yet to reach bottom.

She tried to encourage me to make peace with Drac for DSS. That with Drac's work hours it is hard for him. My reply was that he Never misses out on getting off work for hiw OWN fun! He needs to realize what is important and make DSS his priority.

I told her, and she eventually agreed - I can not (no one can) force Drac to be the father he needs to be. That is on him. I am not THERE, so am limited in helping DSS. I am not Drac's wife, and I can not support him by acting like it. I can't fix this. Drac needs to fix himself first and take care of DSS.

I called and talked to DSS. It went well. I set a time for tomorrow where we will discuss our 'plan' for step by step, exactly how he will get organized and stay organized. He is to be ready with ideas on how each day assignments get written down how/when/where they are completed, and how they will get turned in.

This I can do with DSS directly. It's the best I can do.

Mimi, I even said to him that I am so upset and concerned about this because I love him so much!

I know he gets that.

So, am with DD at dance now. Then Home for bath and bed.

Tomorrow she goes to Drac's for the weekend. My days/nights are booked.

I am going to spend some of my shopping time looking for anything that will help DSS. Am thinking of getting and setting up an organization system for him. I will decide based on our talk tomorrow

Drac remains, in His hands!

WEll, BUGS...considering everything that's going on you know what you need to be doing and you are following through...

I think that it's just a matter of time...that is with Drac...

You sound good, BUSY but good...please make sure that you are taking care of yourself...paying attention to your needs...

I hope that you ahve some fun time in there somewhere too! Even if it's just relaxing on the sofa watching a funny movie!

(((BUGS)))

You are doing great! Of course, I wouldn't expect anything less from a fellow ANGEL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just like any other ADDICTION, an AFFAIR is self-destructive. The WS' life starts falling apart. That's what happened to my H. Read up around here. Everything in their lives starts going wrong until the bottom is hit. We still have not cleaned up all the mess he made.



PLAIN AND SIMPLE...



THAT IS WONDERFUL!!



Beautiful!!!



Just LOVE him..buy him his FAVORITE DESSERT..or FOOD..or whatever... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey Rin!

Thanks, Angel for the words of support!

The truth is, I AM having fun in my life. It may not be the kind of 'fun' most folks would write home about, but I am doing things that bring me joy.

For instance, this weekend, I will make sure that I have everything necessary for me & the kids to make Christmas candy next weekend. They both love it when we cook together and I really didn't take the time last year (I wasn't in the mood) to do any Christmas candy. This year, I Can't Wait!

Anyone like peanut butter fudge? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mimi, thanks for the support! I felt pretty good about the way I handled things yesterday.

As the subject line says, I've slowed down when it comes to Drac. That's a HUGE step for me in this. I no longer feel the 'need' to read or listen to any communication from him. I can actually just let those things sit until I am ready to open them up and I don't feel any of the previously self-imposed pressure to get to them.

Then, AFTER getting to them, I don't feel the compulsion to respond. In fact, it's gone from my trying to find ways to convince myself NOT to respond to now, I sit back and find that I have NO reason TO respond. I can rationally analyize it over time without feeling pressured in any way.

The old previous feeling of needing/wanting to respond right away,,,, feeling that I "had" to get across what I thought/felt,,,that somehow he'd magically see things from MY perspective,, all of that is Gone.

It's a great feeling of relief and freedom.

For instance, Drac sent email last night while DD was at dance. I didn't even bother to open it until this morning.

Apparently DSS told Drac about our conversation and asks "that in the future if you have conversations with his teachers you share them with me. I feel the only way this will work is if we are on the same page when we discuss things with him and have the same understanding from the teachers."

Previously, I would have already contacted Drac yesterday. I would have gone into how the teacher called me FIRST. I would have pointed out to him how I know his vm message was more of a 'coverup' than the actual truth because *I* had the real facts directly from the teachers. By pointing out that he didn't 'meet' with anyone, that *I* know DSS is actually failing because of MISSED assignments that were due since he was supposedly doing all of the 'checking' on DSS's work.

All of this would have been said with total disrespectful judgements and some fabulous LBs!

Instead, by staying dark and letting the chips fall, Drac knows all of what I would have said, without MY having to do a thing. He may not want to admit it to himself, but he knows it.

Now, it probably is a DJ, but I am pretty darn sure that the reason for his email is because he didn't understand that DSS risks not going on to HS. This is something I stressed with DSS when we spoke & he seemed totally taken aback by it. I would guess that Drac was, too.

I can respect his wanting to have a consistent message with DSS. How much it is necessary for us to communicate to accomplish that is something I am sure we disagree upon. So, I will ponder what, if anything, I want to say about his 'request'.

I am going to work from home today so that I can let Beau out late this afternoon before I leave for a hair cut appt and to meet up with my friends for the evening.

Hope I can get some time to catch up with everyone's threads!

AH! I TOTALLY understand the joy that you can get from doing things like that! I'm SOOO like that!

The kids an I baked Blueberry and Banana Nut muffins along with some Oatmeal Raisin cookies last weekend! They devoured them over the next few days...Of course, there was licking the spoons and bowl...

I like doing stuff like that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to try to do the Christmas light thing this weekend...I like putting mine up at nights! The boys are with POWS this weekend...

Sounds like you're doing well here too Bugs. I know it's a struggle dealing with DSS issues, and I totally get how sensitive this is for you and Drac.

I'm glad you understand that it's not -your- responsibility to get Drac interested and doing his job as a father. I'm glad you're taking the responsibility for what you can do. THAT is being strong.. Drac is just mad because he got caught in a lie, and that you had more information than he did.. and in turn, the better response.

He's trying to compete with you.. and perhaps his desire to send a unified message is a reaction to you withdrawing again.. another excuse for contact.


Yes.. it's useless to speculate, and he at least has a good reason this time.. but you two can do your jobs independently of eachother, you know that now.. Drac is starting to feel like he needs help.. confirmed by your mutual friend. Keep up what you're doing.. let Drac deal with the consequences of not having such a wonderful wife to depend on for the best answers.

Hey gang.

Just taking a few minutes out of work for some MB time. Have been reading up on a lot of threads, but not posting much.

My friend/coworker called me this morning to share a funny story about her sister, who has my same name. In the course of conversation, she said that Drac thinks he wants to live the single life, he doesn't have his priorities straight (which we all know that), he's always able to make time for fun, but doesn't take the time to put DSS first, and that he says he "just wants to be friends with you for the sake of the kids". She told him, 'Bugs is not going to be your friend, not for a long, long, time, if ever'. She knows this to be true, as she went through her husband having an A last year as well. They, fortunately, have worked things out and are still together in great recovery.

Again, she mentioned that he really needs to get back into counseling and that hopefully with time/age, he will gain better wisdom, but who knows when that might happen. She told him that IF he wants the single life, then he needs to get comfortable with himself FIRST. He needs to be able to spend time alone and enjoy it. We agreed that he is not capable of that. So, he keeps trying to fill his life with people, with women, with activities and 'stuff', none of which is ever enough. It's much easier for him to blame ME or as she said, everybody else, for how he feels, especially when he feels bad. He takes no responsibility for his own feelings nor for the horrible way he's treated me & the kids. Is that disrespectful judgment?

I told her I've detached from the hoopla of it all, staying focused on me & my life. I then switched the subject back to her sister and other things.

I could "feel" some twinges coming on by the continued conversation about Drac. I started to feel the urge to ask questions about him. So, I put a stop to it right then and there. I enforced my own boundary with myself!! I'm kind of proud of that.

I just got the best stuff from the posts on Sis's thread about resentment and addicts. It spoke to me about ME and about Drac, especially now.

I think I feel like some of MY BS 'fog' has cleared. I am moving forward again, still learning things about myself,,,and many other aspects of life.

It feels good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Buggs, I'm witnessing sanity and health in your Plan B. Aren't you glad you are doing this?

Your DSS has a real friend in you.

Bellevue,

Wow! Sanity AND health - 2 words that I have not associated with Me & My world for over a year!!

Thanks! That means a lot.

And, yes, I am happy with what I am doing and where I am right now. I am not completely satisifed, but happy. The fact is, not being completely satisified is a good thing, as it keeps me striving for more and for even better things in every way.

There are 2 emails from Drac sitting in my in box. Preview mode tells me one is about DSS, one is a forwarded joke.

Both will remain there unopened for a while. At some point I will read about DSS and the other will go immediately into the trash.

No muss. No fuss.

I think I will go take Beau for a lunchtime walk! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Got some Bud Light for him? Oh, wait. Wrong one. It's all so confusing.

You sound so strong, Bugs. I'm really happy for you. Even if you are a Cardinals fan.

(((Bugs)))

BC only comes around every couple days and does a search for the phrase "Bud Light".

he should be here any time.

Hi Bugs!! Dark side of Pluto Plan B! It's the only way to fly!

SD,

Part of my strength comes from being a Cards fan all these years! LOL!

Chris,

We will have to remember the Bud Light call out for BC! My Beau prefers little steak shaped treats!

I have found the view from over here on the dark side of Pluto to be helping my vision a lot. Much better perspective on things.

I think the lack of gravity helps keep me from getting bogged down and from moving too quickly - which is a pretty cool feeling!

The DSS update tells me that Drac finally talked to the counselor today. Only took 2 weeks since I suggested it and a call from another teacher to make it happen.

DSS is failing 3 subjects. Passing tests, but not turning in homework.

Counselor is going to talk to all of DSSs teachers about putting him in a program with longer class time for failing subjects, less students per class, and help with organization.

Drac says he & DSS work on homework together every night and that he 'thinks this problem should be improving'.

Well, it's working just dandy so far, don't ya think?

I filed the DSS update email and deleted the joke. I will follow up with DSS myself.

Gotta run,, I think I heard the fridge door and the sound of a bottle opening,,,,my Beau may be switching to Bud Light!