Hey everyone!

Thanks so much for chiming in here, especially you, Mimi, as I know how this is so personal for you.

I have told DD several times over the last year that we can not 'make' Daddy do anything. We can tell him how we feel, and she should always tell us Both how she feels. It is Ok.

Recently, though, I have been very factual with her that I can not Fix everything to be the way she wants it, that her Daddy has choices and I can not 'make' him do anything

It is a hard line to walk.

My #1 goal - Do what is best for BabyBugs and DSS. Whatever that takes. Especially because Drac an not or will not do it for them right now.

So, I have a couple of days out of town to ponder this. I will probably do nothing until BabyBugs and I have some face time together.

It is Very important to me that she feel she can count on me to be her Ally,, but as I have for quite some time, I will not lie to her or give her false hopes in regards to Drac.

I have been doing a lot of deep breathing today!

I'm confident that you will do the best thing for BabyBugs. Everything you say about your frame of mind and what you have already told her and how you want things to be sounds exactly right to me.

You're right. It's a hard line to walk. There's nothing easy about any of this, but I know that you can do it.

((((Bugs))))

Where are you off to?

ME TOO!!

((((BUGSY))))

Thanks again everyone!

This has really been weighing on my mind, but at least now, I have some great insights that you all have shared and I feel like I'm on the right path.

And the votes of confidence REALLY help!
It seems that Drac is getting closer to hitting bottom, but isn't there yet. My only concern with that is helping keep the kids protected as much as I can from that fallout as he continues to spiral down. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that hitting bottom is needed and necessary for Drac,,,,,,,,,,,,,and I don't mean just in terms of the remote chance of us recovering our marriage some day. I mean in terms of his entire life, and for him to have ANY chance of being the good man and great father I know he can be. But the path to the bottom is his to walk alone.

Mimi, I found your post about your Dad telling you 'not to tell' hit home a bit, as I suspect this has happened in the past with Drac and both of the kids. It may not be so much now, but it has happened. The funny thing is, I don't ever ask the kids about him. I ask them about THEIR weekend, what fun THEY had, how THEY feel, but I don't ask about him. If they throw in a comment about him, I skim over it and back to them. I have a feeling he believes I question them, but I never have. oh, Scratch that Never. I can think of 2 occasions that I did. Times when we were still married and I KNEW he was lying to me and putting the kids in a VERY bad position.

That's been months ago.

Right now, it is pretty obvious that his most recent OW is probably an out of town person - thus all of the cell phone talk, his comment the other day about talking to 'a friend' on the phone about our sitch, and his planned out of town trip this coming weekend/next week. He's not running the kids all over creation on their weekends together to 'events' like before, they stay close to home and do things together. But there is most certainly a new OW.

I am just praying he gets back into counseling and/or hits bottom soon. His kids are suffering, as is his relationship with him. I know it is his to own, but it does break my heart. He's missing out on so much and he has NO clue whatsoever how GREAT things really could be. I feel bad, too, that I didn't do a better job during our M to realize how broken he is inside. So much hindsight on my part, but I know I could have/should have done better for him and for us.

Now, I am not wallowing in the past & believe me, I am not beating myself up. Just stating the facts for what they are, , acknowledging MY part in the past mistakes, and KNOWING that I can now DO better! So, really, it's a pat on the back to myself at the end of the day.

I have a BIG presentation tomorrow am. I am first up at our Group meeting in front of the BIG boss and a cast of other characters. It's the end of the year "I am so GREAT" presentation! I told a friend that I was coming here to tell the boss's how great I am,,,,, she said to have them call her and she'd tell them for me!! LOL!

SD, I am in Chicago and it's darn cold! Too windy, as always!

Once I get through the presentation, I will breath a bit easier. I am FIRST up in the morning! I am glad, , that way it is done and over with and I can relax! Wed is an entire morning of the Boss talking! Yikes!

Well, gotta go meet my guys for dinner. I am the only female at my 'level' on the team. The interesting thing is that they all call ME for help and guidance. Makes me feel good to be acknowledged and looked up to in my professional life!

Will ck back later.

Bugs:

You are awesome!

Sorry that Drac is SO BROKEN.

On to OW number 5 or is it 6?

You may have to stop following the divorce decree to the letter.

There is very little that you can do to help with DSS and his R with Drac. As Drac so painfully lets you know, he is doing you a "favor" by allowing you access. But, when you DO have access, do the best you can. You can't fix all the things that are wrong, only put the bandages on and send the boy back into the fight.

DD is wondering if she CAN put this back together. Flamingo and I watched the remake of "The Parent Trap" last week. They thought they could put it back together, and being Disney, they could. Life ain't a fairy tale. And Drac is happy in his. IF one day he was able to get the big head slap, then he just might fall out on to the floor at rock bottom. YOu don't have that long to wait.

So comfort DD. And make sure that she is available to Drac at the assigned times. But I expect that those times will start to get missed. Drac has other priorities and until he sorts them out, DD and DSS will take a back seat. A back seat that might exist until the kids are in college.

It's important that both kids have a relationship with father. But it MORE important that HE has a relationship with them.

And that ain't happening right now.

Mimi has made some excellent points. DD can not fix this, and you can NOT enlist DD and/or DSS to help fix Drac.

Your plan B has firmed up, hasn't it? Drac is EVEN farther away, and that works better doesn't it.

Knock thier socks off tommorrow. You KNOW you can.

LG

AH, wishing you well on the great presentation...I'm sure that you will be all out Angel style! I have plenty of faith in that one!

It's so hard trying to do the "right" thing huh? That highest road...sometimes I just have to HAVE a little time to think, well, I COULD DO THIS and I COULD do that...you know the wanting to get back but I know it doesn't help anyone, especially me...I can STILL DREAM.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're awesome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Morning all!

Yep, up early going over my presentation!

LG, I was wondering when you might be stopping by! Your comment about the kids taking the back seat really got me to thinking. It reminded me of that song, Cats in the Cradle. "When you coming home Dad? I don't know when, but we'll get together then, son. You know we'll have a good time,,,,, THEN".


Problem is that Drac 'thinks' he's there and they have 'fun' together. He doesn't get that it's HIS fun, not the kids. It's no wonder that DSS doesn't have activities HE really likes to do because all of his life, it's been about what DRAC wants to do and DSS 'gets' to go along. Don't get me wrong, it's not like the kids go places and have a horrible time, I know they DO have fun with Daddy. But 99% of the time, the activity is based on what Drac likes to do and for the last year, 90% of the time, it's been based around an OW.

Nope, I can't fix him. Kids can't fix him. It's up to him & God. I just hope when he's ready to receive that slap on the head it doesn't totally take him OUT!! Lol! The psi required to get through that stubborn head of his will certainly take him some time to recover from!

In the meantime, Bugs will be residing on the dark side of Pluto. Watching over the kids and living the good life. Blessings are too great for me not to! High road will continue to be difficult from time to time,,,, I know that. But, I am so much better equipped to deal with that than ever before. Thanks all,,,, you all have helped that a great deal!!

It is nice to know that when that high road gets slick and slippery, I have you all here to help me navigate around or THROUGH those spots! And even to help tow me out of the ditch when necessary.

BTW - 4 inches of snow here today. Yikes!

Ok, that's all of the Drac talk for today. It's all Bugs all day today!! Off for one more run through on the presentation!


Have a great day, all!

Go Goddess!!! Have an awesome day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You rocked the presentation, right?

Bugs:

You are making me miss my good ol' state. I grew up in chicago. Took me 5 years to loose the accent from there. Now I live in PA. Weather is similar. We are expecting 3-6 inches over night.

You are doing such a great job. It really shows how god is shining through you.

I sat in the tub thinking tonight. I have more court hearings coming up and I have to pay the attorney, I have no savings and live pay to pay. Infact, one of the checks I am to get for my DD does not even come to me. They won't change it out of WS name. God will handle it though.

I pictured myself dragging my feet through the sand, and I asked God for help and it was only then that I saw only his footprints. God is handling me.

I don't know about you, but I have found that I am ministering to more and more people, and helping others.
My DD wants to help get us together as well. But at the same time she wants nothing to do with WS. She knows that God is not in his heart, and she said she doesn't want around Satan. She always has me pray at night for the OW as well. She always says "She's a sinner to mommy, we need to pray for her salvation." She is so right. That's what we are focused on. Praying for his and her salvation.

I was to the point I wanted to give up again. So I started reading more and praying more, and asking God to show me and tell me if I should wait, or move on. My fortune cookie the day I prayed said, "It's not the end yet. Let's stay with it." So I dated it, and will put it in my journal later on. I want to laugh about this years from now when I snuggle with my WS.

We learned that there is a line for reconciliation. Most couples do not reach that line at the same time. He is moving closer to that line, watch that you don't move to far away. Good luck,

You are in my prayers.

Morning!

Well, the presentation went OK. I was first up in front of 2 new boss's. I guess you could say I 'took one for the team', in the respect that I was grilled about my work for over an hour. Everyone behind me got off a bit lighter due to time constraints,,,,, we were each only scheduled for 30 minutes. Afterwards, everyone told me that I did very well. I was professional, well prepared, and handled the PRESSURE extremely well. Come to think about it, I didn't stutter or even break out in a sweat! So, I still have a job and for that I am happy.

We ended up going until well after 5 and then had a group dinner. The 'work' conversation and being 'put on the spot' continued throughout dinner, so it wasn't very relaxing! Yuck! We have 4 hours of training this am and then off to the airport. I am praying the lake effect snow has slowed down by then and that my flight is not delayed! I am ready to go home.

Drac sent an email late yesterday saying he was going to a candlelight remembrance for the daughter of his friend R who passed away 3 years ago, he listed the time & said he probably wouldn't be able to answer his phone, so could I tell BabyBugs he'd just see her when he picks her up on Wed.

When I talked to BabyBugs and Mom later, seems that he'd already told BabyBugs about it the night before. So, what the purpose of emailing me about it was, who knows? Again, it's not necessary for me to know what he is doing specifically and in this case, it wasn't necessary at all, was it? I did get a vm from DSS last night. I missed his call because we were at dinner. I think he'd JUST gotten my message from the day before. I will definitely reach him today after school.

INeed, thanks for the support. I spend time every day reading the Word. It soothes my soul and helps me keep Drac where he belongs - in His hands!

Gotta run, we are starting early today!! yippee!

JMHO, but my program teachs me that if I say something more than once I'm trying to manipulate the sitch...

but I don't know...it's a rule that I try to stick too...not repeating myself...

Glad the presentation was ok, you still have your job, and all went well...

Have a great day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Rin!

I think Drac is most certainly trying to manipulate the sitch. Namely, doing whatever he thinks might make him Look good from the outside while he continues to be an addict who is concerned only with himself.

The more I see it, the more it seems sad. I am sad he fails to see any of it or to take any responsibilty for his past or current actions and the effect on others. Word is getting around, though, both thru the family and at work.

Drac fails to take responsibility and likes to blame everyone else for everything.

Heck why am I sitting here writing about him? I have better things to spend my time on -- even if it's the Maury Povich show on the tv here at the airport! LOL!

I think I will just sit here and pray my flight goes out on time!!

Just replace Drac with POWS and you've got my STBX...

And IT IS A SHAME AND VERY DISHEARTING...

oh, well!

busy day for me! I'm tired already! LOL and I still ahve a meeting to go to tonight! Think I'm going to try to get to bed early!

Bugsy:

I just wanted to talk about this....

"When I talked to BabyBugs and Mom later, seems that he'd already told BabyBugs about it the night before. So, what the purpose of emailing me about it was, who knows? "

Well... HE was TRULY horrible when your nephew died. Did nothing. Soooo, this plan makes him LOOK GOOD!

Can't you SEE the contrast? Your supposed to admire the new, reformed Drac.

And maybe, somewhere, you could.

Except for the pointy teeth and pale skin. HE's still just Drac.

And he's probably visiting a new HO out of town and wanted to cover it by using this "Other" thing that he SHOULD be doing. Gets MIL/someone to watch the kids.

HE's really turning into a PUTZ.

Glad you WOWED them. Sorry they used you as the punching bag to lighten the load on everyone else....

NOTE TO FILE: Get BUGS Scheduled for the SECOND Meeting next YEAR! DON'T be first! They get shot first and the MOST!

And as for the song? Huge trigger for me, for other, non-related to the A issues.....

LG

Oh, LG...sorry to hear about that trigger man...

I second that motion when the time comes to place BUGS...(scribbling on paper)

One of these days we'll be in Chris's position and not even notice...

how awesome would that be? :grinning from ear to ear:

Hey LG!

Ok, question back to you - I'm supposed to notice the contrast?

WHY?

In the scheme of his life, which is "NONE OF MY BUSINESS" WHY am I supposed to Know or Notice anything when it comes to him?

He's been a PUTZ for quite some time now. Sorry to say, but it is what it is.

Thanks for the empathy on the presentation. Actually, I feel pretty good to have been the one to weather this first storm. I am pretty sure I earned the admiration of my peers AND of both the boss's, so it was a small price to pay.

HOWEVER, Note to Self is Certainly noted in BIG LETTERS for next time! LOL!

You know, I had a feeling that song would mean something to you, but I am sorry it was in any way a negative trigger. I so admire your R with your DS! It is so obvious how much you love & value him as your son,, as a person.

Rin,

Yep, one of these days I will be here telling a story JUST like Chris's!! I have NO doubt about it, that we BOTH will !!

Morning, all!

Seems my internal 4:30am alarm clock just won't shut off until I get up,,so here I am.

DD came home aa few minutes late last night. Probably as a "punishment" for me - seems Mom misunderstood what I told her about the night before and she didn't bother to have DD even try to call Drac. Oh well, whatever.

DD has a Christmas program at the local mall next weekend. A note came home while I was out of town. I will send to Drac today, as it is on his weekend. It's Sun afternoon, so he 'could' very easily make it work for their schedule. Will he? Who knows?

DD and I talked about it. As soon as I told her it was on Daddy's weekend, she teared up and started to cry. God in heaven, it broke my heart! Her FIRST concern was that if she went, that I wouldn't be there because I don't want to see Drac. So, I fixed that right away.

I explained to her that no matter WHERE she is or WHAT she is doing - I will be there No Matter What! We talked for a while about things - as to why I don't want to see Drac these days. I asked her why she thought that was. I explained that it's not because I am *mad*.

We talked about the Promises you make when you get married mean and how they are promises to each other and promises to God. How it is important to always keep your promises. Daddy made some very bad decisions and broke his promises and that it hurt me very much. The biggest reason I don't want to see Daddy is that I don't want to be around someone who breaks their promises to me. But, that I pray for Daddy to get better about being honest, truthful, and a good promise keeper because deep down he is a good man and that I still love the person he is deep down.

There was a lot more, but that gives you the overall flavor of what I tried to make the message about. She let me know when she'd had enough 'talk' and I tried not to make it a big heavy discussion.

We did talk just a bit about her sharing her feelings with Drac. I'm just going to continue to encourage her to do it, but am not forcing the issue.

We enjoyed the rest of the evening and I snuggled with her while she went to sleep. She did say that she was "mad". I said, "Well, that's OK. We all get mad sometimes. What are you mad about?"

She said she is mad at Daddy for what he's done. She asked me if I wanted to get a divorce. I told her no, I didn't want it, but it's OK to be mad at me, too. We talked about being mad sometimes because of what people 'do', but that you can be mad at someone for a while (especially people in your family), but that at the same time, you still Love them, even if you get mad sometimes.

I think she 'gets' it and is really working through that right now. Holidays are a trigger for her, too! I am sure she feels the pain of not having an in tact family. She even shared some of that with my Mom while I was gone - - about being mad at Drac. So, I'll be keeping a close eye out on her and going straight to counseling if it looks like it is warranted in any way. Personally, I think it will be if she continues to talk about it much at all. She needs a neutral third party person to help her - so that she doesn't have to worry about hurting my feelings or even Drac's. Not that I care so much about HIS feelings, but I care about HERS. SHE doesn't share with him because she doesn't want to hurt HIS feelings,,,so that is about HER in my eyes, not about him.

Does that make sense??

{{{{{Bugs&DD}}}}}

Hey FCF, thanks for the hugs!

Triggered a while ago,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I heard that Drac's trip this weekend, going into next week is to Cancun!

That is where we went for our honeymoon.

Hurts.

Plus, why isn't he taking the time off while the kids are off school? He could take them both on a trip!

Ooops,,, forgot the focus of life is DRAC and his Addictions.

What was I thinking asking about him possibly putting the kids first?! ?