Ahhh.. I'm so with you and Rin on the wayward taking responsibility issues... ahh.... and yeah, I like Chrinser's approach to that kind of thing.. it's healthy.. and funny.. I dig that.

Glad to hear your trip went well, and that you're back home safe. Those conversations with the kids are some of the hardest ones I think we'll ever have with another person..

I hate that divorce does this to families.. especially to kids.. that they are the true victims and 'do the time' for the selfish crimes committed by an adult who is supposed to love and protect them.

Keep your chin up bugs... Babybugs is watching and learning how to be a strong woman from you... can't think of a better example for her.

Do you remember the old pink panther cartoon where he reaches into the dresser and pulls out a hammer and smashes the clock every time it goes off? I think it was the one with the cuckoo clock. A classic.

Anyway, so sorry that you're having to have these conversations with BabyBugs. I mean, they're necessary, and you're doing them right, but they hurt. And you have to suck in some of your own feelings in order to do what's best for her.

(((Bugs)))

You did a great job with DD Bugs. You are a great Mom.

I am HONESTLY thankful for the OPPORTUNITY to experience knowing a MOTHER like you, Bugsy.

You are such A BLESSING to your DAUGHTER!!

It gives me the chills to think of how this will be carried on into further generations.... How this will affect BabyBugs' love and care of her own children..

You are AMAZING!!

What a MAJOR, MAJOR LOSS for DRAC...

Thanks to each and every one of you!

I know we all do the best we can for our kids, knowing that we are all far from perfect - but to hear other people whose opinions I respect give me such compliments,,, just blows me away! I am so thankful for all of you!

It's Thursday, so had to get the every other week TM question from Drac as to what time DD has dance tonight, as it's his night to take her.

Then had to get another asking where her shoes are - - Same place as every other time.

Just got a 3rd, asking me if I am "OK to pick her up tonight with the weather getting bad?"

A real simple answer - Yes.

What I didn't say was that even if *I* am not ok with going to get her, I have LOTS of friends and family that will help me. His help is not welcome or required at this time.

I did have to send him info on her latchkey Christmas program today - I am glad he immediately replied that "of course" he will take her. As much as I hate that we will BOTH be there,,,,I am glad for DD. It will make HER happy and that is all that matters.

Gotta run. Have to walk the Beau boy in the sleet/snow and then slip/slide my way to get DD from dance!

Thanks again everyone for your support. I think you know how much it helps!!

4th TM tonight - - asking "home safe?"

WTF?

See that's exactly how I felt tonight with POWS...I did need or want anything from that store...that was strickly an opportunity for the boys to get their dad something...

I would have to be dieing b/f I asked him for help with something...my car, the house, the kids, anything...

I feel like you do I have OP I can ask! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When I needed him he WASN'T there and I had to make it on my own, I can certainly do it now...

Bugs:

He's trying to put himself back in control. He hates the fact that you took it from him. He has a need to know what you are doing or where. That's why the Home safe ? He doesn't care that you are safe, all he cares about right now is are you home.

That's like his trip. He wants to let you know where he's going and without the kids to kindof let you know that he's carefree again and can do what he pleases.

I pray that he will hit rock bottom, and that his eyes will be opened. God is using you greatly and has blessed you tremendously. Of course, it says in the bible that he will bless the ones that were broken abundently, and that brokenness always leads to a blessing.

You are being led down a path that leads to nothing but a cup full of blessings. God bless you, you are a special angel.

Dark, Bugs. Stay dark.

INeed,

Thanks for the support. I really have no idea why Drac does what he does and I haven't for a long, long time. The good news is that I do think about it much less as time goes by, but every now and then it really does cross my mind as WTF? Thanks for the continued prayers!! They mean so much!

Rin,



This was EXACTLY my thought when I got those 2 TMs last night. All last winter he certainly wasn't so worried when he was so busy taking care of himself and the HO. Why Now??

He doesn't seem to realize that I got by this last year with virtually NO help from from. WHY in the world would it be necessary, desired, or welcome NOW??

It also crossed my mind that perhaps, for an unrecognized split second Drac realized that *I* am now the 'single mother' having to do for herself and her child,,,,,like he pointed out to me about the Ho last year??

I really don't think he 'gets' that yet, but it may have been an undeveloped/unconscious part of that thought process leading to the TMs last night.

Doesn't matter in the scheme of my life, so am moving on from that.

Thanks for the reminder, SD, about staying dark. I had luckily given myself that reminder last night, but am glad you have my back to make sure!

Well, going to catch the news to make sure DD has school and check out road conditions. I have to go get DSS later today for the weekend.

Can I admit I was hoping for a whopping storm tomorrow to ground the planes and ruin Drac's trip?? Is that wrong?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL..No, I don't think that's wrong...we have to dream sometimes...LOL


Is there a stigma associated with this that I'm just not paying attention too? The phrase appears to be a negative...like "Oh, the world is so tragic...the single mom is helpless and needs to be rescued!

I personally don't see it as a negative or weakness...I see it as a strenght...perhaps something that HE IS uncomfortable with...admires...not just him...

The fact that I'm a single mom and can handle my kids, work, a house, bills, a dog, my friends, and MY LIFE...i'm proud of...I'm proud that I'm not taking care of ANOTHER "CHILD!"

To I think that my kids are going to look back and be proud of me for raising them on my own, no matter how long that is? HECK YEAH! My wish for them: they find a "strong" woman too...one who offers as much to them as they offer to her...

To find another lighthouse!!!

There's no stigma in my book and I sure don't want a "I'm so sorry!" B/c I'm not! That was my choice and I'm darn proud of what "I" have done with my choice!

how about you?

Bugs:

It might be time for a new cellphone number.

The "Home Safe?" TM?

It can be considered control. It's probably just concern. He's allowed to be concerned about you, you know.

However, like LilSis, you do not want him to be concerned about you anymore, because he has expressed his lack of concern for you by finding someone else and than divorcing you.

So either have to go darker, for your own safety, or you have that lunch with him we talked about and then provide him with the revised Plan B after D letter. And then see what happens.

For as horrible all this was, YOU still could get back with Drac. Theres something about HIM that just makes him right for you.

And he KNOWS it. Because he feels the same about you. But unlike Drac, you have learned thru MB to recognize what is real, and what is "feelings"

Your feet are solid on the ground. Drac;s could be, for now. But later, they go to quicksand. And until he fixes THAT, you really do not want him.

AND that fix is up to him.

You have been doing great. It is unfortunate that you have to react to his "feelings"

LG

Rin,

Sorry I wasn't more clear in my post about the 'single mom' comment.

Last year when the 'friendship' with the Ho started, she worked for Drac. One of his first lame excuses when he was busted spending time with her and delivering a dozen roses to her HOUSE, he told me that he felt sorry for her because she was about to lose her job at their company, he wanted to do something 'nice' for her to help cheer her up, he was trying to keep her from losing her job because after all, "She's a single Mom and it's SO hard on her."

It was about Drac being her knight in shining armor,,,,, playing the HERO for her. He felt SO BAD for her and wanted to help HER by putting ME into the exact same life situation as he was quoting as a reason for his relationship for her.

See the irony? My point is that HE didn't see it at all and I am fairly certain that he still Doesn't!

That was what I was talking about. It has nothing to do with how *I* view my role or life as a single mother. I know I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and my kids.

YES!! I, too, feel an Incredible amount of Pride, Joy, Strength, etc in handling life on my own for us. Every one of us that is working through all of this now as single Parents should feel that way, (want to be sure that I recognize we have lots of great single dads here, too!)

Certain things Drac said over this last year have been replaying in my brain these last few days. Not sure why that it is, but key things just keep popping up, like the above. Or the story he told me about the dry cleaning lady trying to fix him up with her daughter. Or the Memorial Day weekend fiasco where he informed me how *I* 'cost him his relationship". The 'single mom' and the 'cost him his relationship' comments are on some kind of consistent loop in my head this week.

I guess I am still hoping that he'll feel that thwack on the head to shake his brain so that he will see those hurtful, crazy comments for what they were, admit that he was nuts, acknowledge the pain & damage,,,,,,,,, you all know what I'm talking about.

Perhaps the fact that the loops come back from time to time and I find myself still hoping against hope that he'll do the above DOES accomplish one thing that's not all bad. It tells me I'm not totally 'done' yet. I'm not stuck spinning my wheels over it all, just waiting patiently for it to happen - - I have my life. It's a good life. Yet Drac continues to own a place in my heart. It's ok for now.

Quick,,,, someone name one of those annoying, catchy songs so that THAT can get stuck in my head instead of the Drac Crap!!!

Hey LG!

You are right, he does get to be concerned about me if he wants.

Most likely he told himself, and it is probably true, that he sent those messages because of his concern about DD and it just 'happened' to also involve me.

Further, I think you are right in that he operates on his 'feelings' at the moment and they change frequently as well as quickly. Not a method of operation for me to be involved in, that's for sure.

I had pretty much the same discussion with my Mom about it this morning. How one minute he's angry/harsh/cruel, and the next minute he's caring/concerned/offering to 'help' and there's no road map for me to follow to know which way he's going at any given moment. As you say, he has to fix himself and get on solid ground.

In the meantime, I really am ok. Bumps in the road, especially during this time of year, are what I expected. I feel good, really. For now, I'm going to hold the lunch/letter option off for a while. It's not something I want to do right now. Can't explain why - - perhaps this is something for me to ponder/analyze/pray about. I'll get back to you on that subject,,,,,,

Thanks for checking in.

BTW - Great news on DSS's season!!!

Bugs:

There is nothing to consider.

You can do the lunch. Or not.

Doing the lunch, puts it out on the table. There it is. Pick it up, look it over, and make a choice, Drac.

There is a way back. But that road closes. And not just for the winter. It closes forever.

You have a new house.

You have a life seperate and away from anything that Drac would understand.

You are doing well with DD and even DSS.

Your reputation at the company grows, and it even is eclipising Drac's.

Your standing proudly, and striding purposefully in the direction of your dreams, (to paraphase somebody important). And you can't stop for Drac anymore.

The bus will make one stop. He can get on, or not. You will NEED to offer him that choice.

Otherwise, you slowly but surely will slide into co-parenthood, and alleieviate (sp?) all of Drac's guilt. See, we can be friends.

Decide which way you want to go.

Here are some lyrics for you: Don't Stop Believing

Maybe that will break the cycle.

LG

BTW: "South Detroit" is in Canada!

At the Copa, Copa Cabana . . .

More thoughts later.

I don't like it that you don't have an intermediary and that he can reach you at will. I agree with the need to change your number some way to make it clear to him that HE CANNOT EMAIL or get in contact with you UNLESS THERE IS AN EMERGENCY!!!

Then you are not in PLAN B and there's a chance that you will eventually grow to hate him..

AND he will remain COMFORTABLE with this situation..

Drac: "I'm a good guy; I tried to help her"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

There may not be a storm where you are but the forecast for Cancun next week is WET: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dec 8 AM Showers
Dec 9 Scattered Showers
Dec 10 Scattered Showers
Dec 11 Scattered Showers
Dec 12 Scattered Showers
Dec 13 Scattered Showers
Dec 14 Scattered Showers

Relating to you here...

WH tried to establish a co-parenting relationship via email this week and I just ignored it.

This morning, as we were driving in to school and the roads were a little slushy, DS12 asks, "Have you had the tires rotated?"

I laughed. "No, I haven't. Am I supposed to? I don't even know about that."

DS12: You should do it.
Me: Really? Did Dad ask about it or something?
DS12: Yeah. You should do it every 6,000 miles.
Me: Huh. I had no idea. I just get the oil changed. I don't know much about the other stuff. Plus it's hard to find time to do things where you have to wait around.

...so there you see...WH is also "looking out" for me. What a guy! It must just be in their nature to try to maintain that "good guy" facade, nevermind how creepy they act in hundreds of other ways.

Don't fall for it. Get darker.

Most of my thoughts LG covered very well.

I don't hear you being Done, Bugs. Yes, you are divorced, but so what? It doesn't have to mean that it's over.

I hear you doing very well living your life. You have your ups and downs. You are productive at work, you have fun, you do a great job with the kid(s).

I hear you trying not to dwell on Drac, and I think you do a good job of not letting him affect your day-to-day activities. But I hear you thinking about him and wondering about him, and it's because you're not Done. Personally, I think that's good, because I don't think it's Over for you yet (standard SDG disclaimer: What the ****** do I know?). I just think Drac hasn't fallen far enough yet.

So. What should you do? Plan B. Preserve it for as long as you feel like preserving it. Protect yourself.

Dark.