Bugs:

About this:


The boy is 13. These choices will be made by the parents until the kids starts squawking otherwise. DSS might not have the voice "yet"

You are trying to give him that voice, and I will applaud you for it.

My DS picked out his coat. Drac picked a coat for his son. At 14, my son was part of the decision. At 12-13, he really could have cared less.

My DS would wear certain things over and over. Because that's what he liked. We would buy similar, or something close, and he would never wear it. Choice on his part. Drac may have wasted his money on this coat. Just like we did on various other things. Oh well.

Oh, BTW, my 15 yo DS has discovered girls. He has committed to being fashionable in his own right.

Wait until that hits DSS.

Then Drac WILL be wasting money if he doesn't consult DSS on purchases.

So, Bugs, that's why there isn't much difference. It really an age thing. And beyond your control. Plus, you get your old coat back.

LG

BTW: That kid who shot up the shopping mall two-three weeks ago? The original picture of him released to the press? Could have been my DS. Scary? You bet. I even told Flamingo NOT to look at the picture. But she did.

Bugs

(miss ya!!)

I think the point is: there are a few dozen reasons why Drac is a lousy father these days, and what coat he picked for DSS is really low on the priority list. It just not worth concerning yourself over.

You need to be darker.

Hi Bugs.

Bugs, you know I have a pretty huge advantage in a Plan B due to my daughter’s age. Mine has been as dark as it is possible to do and still live on the same continent. A total dark Plan B has been an absolute blessing for me in my effort to achieve personal recovery.

However, today I get a very sweet little 2-line email from Wayzilla wishing me a happy birthday. And guess what? It tested me. It conflicted me. It got me thinking all kinds of “What’s going on s?” and “What if s?” It probably did everything she wanted it to do. Except get a response.

She has only sent 2-emails in the past 6-months and yet when she was nice, it penetrated the armor. Once again, I am a bleeding betrayed (now ex) husband visiting places I don’t want to be.

I am not yet healed and will not be for a very long time and every contact just picks at the scab and sets the healing back and will ultimately make the final scar more livid.

Bugs, go as dark as you can. Lousy Golfer has as always, great advice. Protect yourself.

Great post, Lexxy

I know that part of what Bugs does is vent out frustration here, and we tend to make more of it than is maybe warranted, but I think that Lexxy has a point. Drac still has too much influence on your daily life.

Hang in there.

(((Bugs)))

I think I need to clarify what I meant by "darker."

I think you have done a great job of removing yourself from Drac's view.

I don't think you've done quite enough to remove Drac from YOUR view. And I don't mean physical sightings -- I mean that you know too much about his activities, the kids are informing you too much about what goes on at his house, too many people are informing you about him.

So you are in this perpectual state of semi-withdrawal -- which I think will take its toll on your lovebank.

So maybe think about how you can plug some of those holes?

LG,

After your first post yesterday, I really did see that it wasn't anything other than what it was. No different, really, than the fact that he buys things for DD which she won't wear once she comes home. I let that go as "oh well, it's his money to throw away".

Not my concern.


Oh, BTW, my 15 yo DS has discovered girls. He has committed to being fashionable in his own right.

WOW!! THAT is what I've said will happen with DSS, too! What an amazing time in a young man's life. Hope there's not too much anxt (sp?) in it for him! LOL!

Can't believe that his look a like is the MN shooter! Yikes! He IS a good looking kid, though!

Again, thanks for the inventory check! Hope you don't stay too far away!!!

Chris,

First, Happy Birthday (a day late). Sounds like overall a pretty darn good day,,,,,,,,,,for a 47 yr young guy!

Sorry you got the TM from Wayzilla - - - As GREAT as you are doing I really do get how it is with that picking at the scar.

SD,

You are EXACTLY right. I am not totally UPSET over things I write about here. It's really more me just saying "Geez, what a silly Drac" VS I am MAD and UPSET. Just minor venting to prevent festering of things.

It's good to take an inventory check, like LG helped me do, but no, these aren't HUGE issues for me. Thanks for seeing that. I have a feeling you have similiar thoughts with your sitch.

Lexxy!!! Girl, I've missed you, too!!! I have been wondering about you!

How were your holidays?? Are you doing OK?

I am SO glad you posted again with the clarification on being darker, that helps. And, you are right.

In fact, I was working on that a bit the other day in the car with the kids. The truth of the matter is that with kids involved, I will be hearing more than I really want to about him from time to time. He is their father and they are going to want to talk about what they do with him.

What's more important is what I do with that information and how I let it effect me. It's VERY important to me that neither kid feels that they have to watch what they say around me all of the time or that they can't talk about THEIR lives. That's not fair to them. I'm the adult here and I have to learn to deal with MY issues with their Dad.

So,,, am thinking more about that for now and will let you know what thoughts & insights I come up with.

Yesterday I had a pretty relaxed day. Cleaned house at a leasurely pace. Then went and met some friends after work. A former co-worker was in town for the holiday and it was great to see her! She lost her husband, the love of her life, about 5 years ago. They were an AMAZING couple with an AMAZING marriage. She is a perfect example of personal recovery, though, and is doing so GREAT! She inspires me.

After that, I talked to my friend G, who came over and took me to a late movie. I didn't get to bed until 2am!! Thank goodness I'm on vacation!!

It's apparent that he is now wanting to be more than just friends. I really just don't know what to do about that.
I really care for him, but am not really ready to 'date' him. I am thinking I need to talk to him about it not being a "NO", but just a "not yet". I just don't know when I'll be ready. It won't be until I've gotten a lot further down the path from Drac.

I need to get moving. I have another friend coming over tonight and we are going out in my area to a fun bar. We are planning to take a cab to avoid trouble and she's spending the night! Should be a good time!

Thanks guys! I hope you know how much it means to me to have you all here by my side!!

Morning, all.

Nothing much happening here. Plans last night were canceled. My friend's bil had surgery & she has their 7yr old for a few days. So, have made alternate plans for a night out tonight.

I just did some laundry and lay around the house yesterday. It really was kind of nice for a change. I rarely do that. I may try to catch up on work email today. Blackberry shows I have over 200 emails right now. YIKES!

Talked to DD last night. She's ready to come home. Although tonight she's going to spend the night at one of Drac's friends who has a daughter about her age, so she's excited about that. I've done pretty well letting go of the fact that Drac just couldn't put off any plans in order to spend the entire time with the kids. While I understand that this time of year presents several social opportunities, he complains about not having her enough, yet he schedules an OVERNIGHT away from her when he does?


So, just sitting here trying to think about what I'll do to fill the time today.

Hey Bugs,

What did you do to fill the time in?

I am struggling with keeping myself busy because I have no energy for life. Did you experience this?

B

Morning!

Well, the truth is, I didn't do much.

DD called at 10am, which NEVER happens. I don't know what was up with that. I think she just wanted to talk to me, I guess. She did say that she'd "be home early" today.

Intersting, as I haven't been contacted about that. Guess he just assumes I'll be here.

Then, I spent over an hour catching up with an old friend who I have known for over 20years, but haven't talked to in at least a year. It was great to catch up with her.

Then, I treated myself to another afternoon of reading books and watching tv! I took a candle light bath for an hour. Talked to another friend on the phone who called to ask if I was attending a particular party. It's an annual party to which we've all been invited for years, and where I knew Drac was going last night. I told her no, I wasn't going - - truth is, I wasn't invited. It did hurt that I wasn't invited, but hey, that's part of this situation.

Talked to DD last night. She was having a good time, which I knew she would be.

I then cooked myself exactly what I wanted for dinner and dropped off to sleep early. Not my usual way of "filling time" but it was all good. I rarely do NOTHING all day.

The dreams must be going around. I read about Mimi's yesterday and had some of my own last night about Drac. That hasn't happened for quite some time. Dreamt that he invited me to meet him somewhere to 'talk'. Never got to the part of actually meeting him,,,,but it was a bit strange, that's for sure.


I am going to check out a church this morning. I haven't yet found one as a church home for us here. Keeping my fingers crossed that this will be the one.

Then, I am doing some shopping and may go by Mom's for a while.

Normally, I fill my time with little projects around the house. Anything from organizing my jewelry box, to sweeping the garage. Just busy work.

OH, I did spend some time on the net looking for things for a baby shower for my niece. We are having it at the end of March and are making it a "March Madness" kind of theme, as she is having a boy!

And, I spent time planning a weekend birthday trip for myself and my girlfriends in January. Just something semi-local, but think we'll have a lot of fun!

Morning,

What kind of church are you looking for. What quailities are important to you.

It's this busy work that I hate. I feel like my life has just been put on hold and it's empty inside. Do you feel the same way or how do you feel. Is the busy work something you enjoy or it's part of the process of moving forward and living a new life.

You must be very close to your mom. I miss my parents a lot. Even though they really didn't want me or my sister, she was still my mom. I could use a hug from her or reassuring words that I can do this with or without him.

March Madness Theme as in basketball?

Tell me about what you are planning for you birthday.

SG,

Well, I am open as to a particular 'demonination' at this point in time. What is important is that my beliefs are what is taught in the church. I want to be sure that my kids are getting the teachings that I want for them. That's #1.

Second, is that I can find a closer R with God through the worship and sermans. I liked what I saw and heard today. We are planning to go back next week and take the kids.

There are times which I thoroughly enjoy doing some of the busy work. Other times, not so much, because as you say, it seems to point out the emptiness in my life. Yet, there are times that I CHOOSE to have some silence, some alone time in which to read, study, or whatever all by myself. It's time I use to look inward and work on me.

So, part of the busy work is part of MY process. I do less 'busy' work now than I used to, as I am finally able to sit still and not traverse the path straight to non-stop thinking about Drac, and then a subsequent pity party each and every time.

I read a LOT. Sometimes for self-reflection & learning. Sometimes merely for fun & entertainment. Again, it is something I can do better NOW than say 6 months ago. I can be still for a longer period of time and keep my focus on things besides Drac.

These last couple of days, though, I have been thinking about goals for the coming year. That's been a little tough. I've also been thinking about my friendship with G, and how I am going to need to address our friendship/potential R with him. I care for him, but am in no way ready for a R with anyone right now.

I am still In Love with my EX-H. I've faced it, and am ok with it for now. Actually, I'm not totally OK with it, but I can manage with that fact for now. Sometimes I wish it weren't true,,,,,but wishing won't change it. I've acknowledged to myself that even without realizing it, I have committed to waiting the 2 years before really moving on.

That does NOT mean that my entire LIFE is on hold. Not at all. I just recognize that it's going to take ATLEAST that long for me to keep focused on me, keep up my self improvements, and arrive at a place where I am emotionally sound enough again to consider a new R.

Yes, Mom & I are very close. I am sorry you do not have that in your current support system. Here's a cyber hug,,,{{{SkinsGal}}}! Best I can do from here. Don't forget to hug yourself, too!! It does help!

Yes, March Madness as in basketball. Their last name starts with M, so we are calling it Mxxx Maddness. The truth is then ENTIRE family on both sides are in a kind of 'maddness' in the joy of this baby.

For my birthday I am planning a day trip to some local wineries in our area. I love, love, love going to the wineries. The scenery is beautiful, very peaceful. I love sitting around with my girlfriends over snacks & a nice bottle of wine. Then, I plan for us to stay in that area for a nice dinner and hotel stay overnight. It's long been one of my favorite things to do.

Hope you are having a great day!

Hey there,

I didn't realize that you are about 6 months ahead of me in healing. I can't even imagine being at a place where my life is without my H.

How do you stop loving someone who was the reason you lived in a way you just didn't understand. And the weird part is I KNOW through the years my H knew how much I loved him and needed him. If my M doens't make it, there is a part of me that wants to hurry up and die so I can find out from G-d what the truth is. I know, pretty scare, just where I am at.

I admire your strength so MUCH. You are such an inspiration on how you have moved forward and created such good out of bad.

Thanks for the hug. Family has always been the most important part of me and other than my children, I don't have anyone really to speak of.

I'm still working on my bedroom. Made wonderful progress. I can be so creative with space. Thank goodness because I don't have a lot of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad you enjoyed services today. That is so important.

DD is downstairs sleeping right now and I am so glad to have her home. She was certainly ready to come home, too.

She said last night (again) how she never wants to leave this house. Overall I am sure she enjoyed her time with Drac, but here with her Mommy is where she prefers to be.

We just hung out last night,,,watching movies and playing. She told me about the different things she did while she was gone. I forget how it came up, but she did mention that the Ho is 'back together' with Daddy. OUCH. While I 'knew' it, it still hurt to hear it confirmed.

She's said a couple of other things recently that I've let go for now, but will be keeping an eye on her about. The first was when she was telling me about a movie in which the mom makes a promise to her baby. DD says, "when parents make promises, they keep them, don't they." I answered, "Yes, they do". She replied, "well, I don't know about that with Daddy. He's not always trustworthy". Trustworthiness is something they've been talking about at school, so I know she understands the meaning of the word. It BROKE my heart to hear her say that about her daddy. I know I can't fix that for her,,,,,,,,it is between the 2 of them. Yet, how sad for my baby girl to have to think that about her Daddy. I did tell her that the one thing she could always trust in is that he does love her.

So, here I am on the last day of one of the hardest years of my life. While I am oh so glad that it is almost over,,,I am so unsure of the coming year. I don't really know what my hopes and dreams are for the next 12 months. That is not like me at all. No matter what has happened in my life up until now, I've always started off the New Year with a positive thought process and some thoughts of how it's going to be a good year.

So, instead of taking myself to task for not feeling the same as before, I am trying to focus on a new way to start the year. For now, it's Proverbs 3:5,6

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;
and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge Him,
and HE shall direct they paths.

So, before DD gets up, I'm giving myself permission for a mini meltdown and trying to let go of the pain I feel right now. I know it will be just the 2 of us tonight to ring in the New Year. It hurts to know that for the 2nd year in a row, Drac will be spending it with the Ho. I can't do anything about that.

Then,,,,we are going to plan a FUN day today. I think maybe we'll spend some time planning a vacation!

How about the DISNEY CRUISE?

Awww, Bugs. One more day. Then all this holiday stuff will be SO over.

I really think that the scripture you cited is just the one. At this point in our lives, we really need to be open to whatever happens. We can't force anything...so setting specific "goals" may not be the best thing to do. I prefer to think that I am just wishing for peace and contentment in the coming year.

How that's defined...what it looks like...who's to say? Trying to figure out what will happen in the future is a waste of time and effort and emotional energy.

If we could all be peaceful and happy and content and enthusiastic about what life holds in store for us, wouldn't it be great?? It's probably just the fact that we've been burned so badly that we are a little apprehensive, rather than excited, to see what the new year brings.

(((hugs)))

Sis,

Right on the money you are, thanks! One day at a time I suppose is still the only way to go.

Message this am from Drac about DD getting her hand caught in FIL's car door. I already knew about it from DD. Luckily it wasn't bad.

His message started with some bs about his TMing not working last night. yeah, whatever. Lots more lies to come with the HO back in full swing. Guess I have to give him credit, though, for letting me know what happened.

He wanted to know about picking her up on Wed for his usual night,,,, if she would be at latchkey. I asked her what she wanted to do that day, as she is off school. She wants to spend the day with me, and she "doesn't want to go with Daddy". Oy! What to do? I don't want to force her to do something she doesn't want to,,,,but it won't fly for me to be the one to tell him that.

I haven't been able to get 3 feet away from her all day until now. I have just these few minutes while she eats lunch.

We are going to my Mom's tonight for New Year's Eve with them, my lil bro and his girlfriend. Expect an early night. Hope to be home before the magic hour passes.

Look at the bright side, the magic hour passes way before mine will. LOL.

Sometimes it doesn't pay to live on the West Coast.

I have a really stupid question to ask. How come you and Drac TM all the time when you are in Plan B. Is there no intermediary you could use?

I am starting to process what my Plan B will look like. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bugsy is not in PLAN B..

I keep telling her this and she ignores me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

LOL

That's the best laugh I have had all day long. Thank you, I needed that.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well Bugs, now it's my turn to say that I could have written these very words. That's exactly how I feel right now too. I was just talking about NY resolutions with a friend, and my first one was to spend the year alone and getting to know me. Not that I planned on having any other type of R, but by alone I mean spending a lot of time with myself. Learn to become happy alone and fill myself with me. Boy, does that sound conceited or what. Not meant to be that way though. I think you know what I mean.

((((bugs))))

Hope you have a good NYE.....