Evening,
I have been married for 3 years now. I dated my H for 6 years, we starting dating at age 16. He was my first relationship, and the first guy I was with. His story is similar. I have been mostly happy with our relationship up until a few months before our marriage, when I started to doubt my feelings for him, and became curious about other guys. I thought that these feelings were just the normal pre-wedding jitters. So I continued with the wedding. After several months of marriage, those feelings became stronger. I started seeing a guy I met. This was the first of three A's that I've had during my marriage. My H has no idea that I've had three A's.

At first I reasoned with myself that it was a phase, and that I was just trying to experience life outside of the only relationship I ever had. But now that time has passed, I don't think that is the case. Now since my last A, I find it hard to be intimate with my husband and find it harder and harder to tell him that I love him. The S that I had with my last A was much different then I've ever had, and makes it hard to continue doing the same with my H. Now I feel so unattracted to my H, that I'm disgusted by the thought of S with him, and when we do have it, I feel violated by him, and it isn't that he forces himself on me, but I force myself to act that I'm into it, because I want to satisfy him.

I know that I care about my husband very much, and I feel that is the love you have for a sibling or good friend, but I'm not in love with him. I don't know if I can stay in a marriage where I feel so easily strayed and unhappy. I don't think he has the capabilities to satisfy me, emotionally and physically. I feel that the past few years I've grown apart from him. At times when were just hanging out, I feel that I am happy (rarely), but most times I just don't want to be away from him and feel irritated when he is around. I can't wait to be by myself. Then at times when I'm by myself, I'm very lonely, and I feel like I have no one to turn too, and feel a need to be around him again. I don't know what to do; I'm very confused and unable to make a decision as to what I should do to make myself happy, like I'm in limbo. And I feel that I don't have the tools to figure this out on my own, I've tried to soul search, but I just keep coming up with this same confusion.

My situation is also complicated by the fact that my husband is an awesome guy. Except for the first few years we were dating, he was a bit emotionally abusive (which he gets from his mother), but after he was able to understand what he was doing, he changed. I think I still have some deep seated hate for the way he used to make me feel. But now he has always been supportive of my choices, and listens to me when I'm upset. I work a lot, so he will cook, clean, and do laundry, along with working his job full-time.

I fear that I could never find such a good guy. And I fear that no one will be capable of loving me. My fear is that if I divorce my husband that I will forever regret it, and will always blame myself for ruining the best thing I could ever have.

He would do anything for me, but I can't love him. In fact when I confronted him with my feelings (with the exception of the A's), he said he would always be there for me, and wanted me to take my time and figure out what I need to do to make myself happy.

It just feels that the last few years of my life have been an act, like I've been running through the emotions, when I know how I truly feel. Because of this act that I've kept up, I feel that I lie to myself everyday. And that I truly am not in touch with myself, since I've always been a part of this relationship. It is like I talk myself into being happy everyday. At other times I feel that maybe I'm in a good situation, and that it couldn't get any better and instead there is something wrong with my ability to be satisfied. I feel like I don't even know who I am anyone.

Both my husband and I are blessed with good careers and have similar interests. I'm just not sure what is best for me.

I appreciate any feedback that anyone has, and look forward to any advice, or similar situational stories, etc., that anyone has to offer.

Beth

Me-25
H-25
No children
Married- 3 years
Dated- 6 years
A1-2004 Fall (lasted 5 weeks) no contact
A2-2005 Winter (lasted 4 weeks) no contact
A3-2007 Winter (lasted 7 weeks) still have contact

Do you have kids?

When was the last time you were in contact with one of your other men (OM)?

No children, which is another problem, because he wants them, and I don't want to have children in an unhappy home and I'm not ready for kids either. I feel bad because I am just dragging him along, and pretty soon we will be too old to have children and he will have missed out on having the family he wanted.

Last contact with OM would have been a week or so ago, we used to work together, and had a good working relationship, when we talked recently, our A didn't even come into the discussion (we were good friends previous to the A). The last time we did anything was about six weeks ago.

Thanks,
Beth

Your decision is whether or not you want to keep living like a trollop (and I say that as a former trollop, actually, I call myself a former wh0re, but I don't know you that well).

If you want to be able to look at yourself with a clearer conscience, you have to stop all contact with all OM and find a way to tell your husband. He gets to decide if he wants to be married to you.

I am more inclined to tell you just to cut your husband loose. You seem to confused to participate in a marriage. But, if your marriage is what you want, are you willing to do the work to change yourself? Don't even think about changing your husband, he is not the problem right now.

Beth,

I'd get my flame retardant pjs on right now if I were you. This board is FILLED with people who have been victims of the same callous actions that you've described....so please don't be surprised if you get some strongly worded replies.

I'm going to give this to you straight. You sound young and confused, and while I have some compassion for how lost you seem, I'm shocked at how you could act so unethically towards a man you describe as a great guy. Why are you doing this? Right now.....you're rationalizing the reasons big time. I hear: inexperience, lonliness, boredom etc.....all kinds of excuses and justifications....but in the end....for some reason you lack the ability to protect your husband, your marriage....even yourself. Why are you entitled to do this to another human being? What piece of your conscience is missing that you can live this lie?.....lay with three different men and go home to your husband's bed and compare him sexually with some jerk who sleeps with married women? How can you betray him over and over? Why do you think the rules don't apply to you?

You don't mention children.....are there babies too?

My advice to you (if there are not yet children) is to recognize that you are too emotionally immature or too selfish to be married at this point. Tell your husband the truth and let him file for divorce....that would be the kindest thing. Your husband doesn't deserve to be married to a serial cheater who appears to have no feelings for him and no restraint or fidelity. I'm sad to say that I can only see heartbreak ahead for him.

If you're not sure you can find such a great guy again....why not be faithful? Why not put the energy INTO the marriage that you're putting into affairs?

You sound like someone who is in love with the idea of being in love....and that you are emotionally unprepared for a long term relationship.

Why are you sabotaging your life? And his life?

If however, you have children....or you're motivated to work on your marriage (and right now I'm not hearing that) you have a long list of things to do:

1) End contact formally through a no-contact letter with all of your affairees.

2) You apologize to any spouses of the affairees there may be.

3) You tell your husband the whole truth, answer every question he has and let him decide if he even wants YOU anymore.

4) You get individual counseling to find out why you need external reinforcement to feel good about yourself.

Beth,

You are a mess.

Plain truth.

Three affairs, girl, you need to tell your husband.

HE gets to figure out whether or not you are worth his investment.

And don't be too surprised to find out that when you tell him, suddenly, you find yourself IN LOVE with the man.

Because you are desperately seeking that which is right in front of you.

Security, fidelity, love.

And you have screwed the pooch, my dear Beth.

I don't know what your husband might want to do. IF he has a forgiving nature, you MIGHT have a shot at recovering this.

But you need to grow up.

Most women would give anything for the man you described.

And yet, you seem to give nothing?

Hmmm.


Your first step, tell him. Then, come back here and tell us how you feel. That will be the biggest step in this process, and then you will begin the growth phase in your life.

Only after that self-exposure will you begin to understand what we are talking about.

Schoolbus


By the way, this isn't going to be easy. It will hurt. And there will NOT be a lollipop at the end, and it will take a few years to get where you need to go, so hold on tight. The ride you are about to take is, shall we say,

not for sissies.

the question is...
do you want to keep being a skank...or do you want to have a genuine life?

If you want to be a skank, don't continue dragging your H through your gutter.
If you want to change, the first step in doing that is telling your H the pain you have brought to his life. When you do that... and not until you do that...are you anything more than an abusive woman.

Now, tell him...give him the chance to make decisions about his own life... and then you are on the long road to recovery...even if your M does not survive.

So, what it comes down to...brass tacks..is do you want to be a skank or not?

Let's see here....
- married 3 years to a great guy as you describe
- you had 3 A's with 3 different OMs and still in contact with OM#3
- no children
- BH is supportive of your feelings

I would say do your BH a favour and inform him of your indescresions so he can make the decision of what he wants to do.

I'm hearing so much crap from you that it stinks in here.


Quite frankly, you are not worthy of the man you are describing. Tell him everything and let him decide what HE wants to do.

You are a complete mess. You will never find someone like your current husband and sustain a meaningful relationship until you get to therapy and fix your issues. You aren't happy with your husband because you are constantly exploring options outside of your marriage. If you decide to stay married, get some therapy, and do whatever it takes to make the marriage work, you will find yourself more in love with this man than ever. You cannot love another person if you do not love yourself. You can't possibly love yourself the way you are behaving. Call up a pro-marriage individual counseler and get some help. You also need to tell your husband and throw yourself at his mercy.

I would suggest that you tell your husband so he can protect himself from you. He needs to know the truth, that you are not marriage material and are not mature enough to be married. Give him a chance to get out of this nightmare, get tested for STDs, and find a suitable, SAFE, woman before he has children with you.

He has a right to know this information about his own life and withholding the truth from him is cruel and manipulative. Give him the facts so he can decide what to do with his own life.

After you do this, I would suggest you get into intensive counseling to find out why a seemingly grown woman allows her feelings to lead her into such self destructive, sleazy, slutty behavior. Having no control over one's feelings is the stuff of teenagers and criminals; certainly not a sign of maturity or sound mental health.

You should feel very bad that you are keeping this man in a marriage based on a LIE. You are TRICKING and DEFRAUDING him by withholding the facts about his life.

I agree that you are not ready for kids, you are not even ready for marriage. But your H is being deceived about all that. Do the decent thing and tell him the truth so he can get away.

Hi, Beth.

I'm glad you had the presence of mind to come to this website for advice.

In all fairness to your husband, you should tell him everything you have done. He has a right to decide if he wants to stay in the marriage with you or not.

If you don't tell him, when he eventually figures out that something is amiss, it is really very likely to destroy the marriage. Men can deal with a lot of things, including affairs. Even so, the level of disrespect you have shown him will be difficult for him to manage, and likely impossible in the future should you wait to tell him.

How would you feel if it had been you?

Don't try to fix this with children. That will only complicate an already bad situation.

I hope you will come back and talk to us. You were brave enough to start, why not finish the job?

Gimble

Hello Beth,

Well you gotten the straight word. I think you understand what everyone is saying don't you? That is why you don't want to be around your H isn't it? Deep in your heart you know this is about YOU and not him. You know that your lack of feelings is really you putting up a wall to hide your secrets.

Marriages don't do well with secrets and you are holding some huge ones. I as have the others strongly recommend that you tell your H the truth. I also second that you need to get tested for STD's and so does your H. The "nicest" people carry STD's and you have no clue what you have exposed yourself to. You do know that the men you have been with don't value marriage so whether they are married or not, the odds are high that they are with other women as well.

Do your H a huge favor and protect his life even if you will not protect your marriage. Tell him, have him get tested and you get tested.

This will be no fun, but these are the consequences of making the decisions you have made. However, If after telling your H the truth he even considers reconciling with you, the site can help both of you.

Be honest with him and tell him.

God Bless,

JL

here's my two cents...

often we believe that marriages are entities...
that they exist.....and that from the marriage...comes great things......

connectedness...
intimacy
fun times...
deep talks...
all those feel good things...

but the truth is...the cold truth...
is that our marriages are equal to amount of energy we put in to them ...creating those things we desire....

connectedness
deep talks
intimacy
all those good things...

the proof is in the pudding...

I would bet all the hairnet in the world...

that you "felt" thinks like that with your affair partners...

that you felt

excited to talk to them
spent gobs of time and energy being excited to see them...
leading up to the contact either physically or just in contact...

that hearing their voices made your heart flutter...

and as much as you want to believe
and continue to seek out there for those things..

those men didn't do a thing...to make those feelings occur
those men infact don't even care enough about to value your honor...

you created those emotions and responses within yourself with the creation of the feelings in your head....

and in each and every affair...

you take the energy that should be expended on you and your husband.....to create the marriage you desire...

and you give to some one else...
with-holding it from him...

you have convinced yourself it isn't there....but it isn't there because you give the energy out to others....


marriage vows taken are not feelings ..

they all action words

to love...
an action to act loving

to honor...
an action to speak our respect and admiration

to cherish...
to always protect our spouse....to hold them dear to us...in all their failings and greatness..

these are all action words...

you say your marriage isn't working

and yet you have yet to ACT married....

you use others to try to make you happy...
and you lay a path of destruction to yourself...the OMen
and your spouse....

for all of us it our actions that define us...
you have rationalized and normalized actions that define things that you should believe in...

there is no great surprise here that you say so very little good things about your marriage...

it takes deep deep rooted and seeded thought patterns to allow ourselves to sink so low as to gobble up others in the hopes of feeling good...

which will never work...

the question is
if you are here...
are you willing to do the work to learn how to be married...

ARK^^

For goodness sakes please get your tubes tied! You are not healthy or mature enough to be married to anyone. Until you deal with the demons inside of you you will never be capable to participate in a loving, and stable relationship.

26 years old, no kids ... I say tell your husband and let him divorce you, if that's what he wants.

Beth, I also met my husband at the age of 16, married him at 21, and to this day, age 46, have never been with another man.

I would be lying to you if I told you that I never even wondered about what it would be like,being with a different man. But I knew, and know, that I am a married woman. I made that choice, and I stuck to my vows. I'm not a saint, Beth, but I know better than to just "act" on a whim of a thought, because it would destroy everything, and would certainly NOT be worth it.

Beth - Your sitch is very similar to mine, except I am the BH. I've been married for 15 years, we dated for 4 years before that. We have no kids. My WW says pretty much the same things you say.

Some advice?

Quit waiting around for tinkerbell, or lassie, or a palm reader, or a big blinding flash of light, or a burning bush to say "here, do this, and all uncertainty shall be removed". Uncertainty is a part of life.

Decide whether you want to be a good person or a bad person. If you want to be a bad person, there's not a whole lot of help to be found on this forum. If you want to be a good person, continue reading. BTW, good people usually end up happy, bad people usually not.

Start being authentic.
Start living in reality.
Start developing some perspective.
Start making choices consistent with the above.
Start being responsible for your choices.

Being authentic is not just about telling the truth or being open and honest. Its about presenting yourself as who you are. Not who you aspire to be, not who you think people will like and not who people think you should be. I'm not talking about being a rude, tactless SOB. I'm talking about saying what you mean and meaning what you say. I mean, you can act for a living, but you won't really live if you're always acting. Sounds to me like you would not be here in the first place if you had been truly authentic with your spouse before you got married.

Now, that doesn't mean that you get to say, ah yes, I didn't want to get married, so that frees me up to do whatever. The reality is you are married. The reality is infidelity is wrong. You know both of these things, yet you continue. You aren't living in reality. Waywards suspend reality in every direction. They think my BS won't be able to handle the truth. Yes, they will. BS's aren't fragile little children. They think I'll be able to slip my way through this. No, you won't. Even if you just run off and never tell your BS, these actions are still going to haunt you. They think there's nothing wrong with me. Yes, there is. This is not to say waywards are bad people, but something is wrong, even if temporarily. If you can't be authentic and you aren't living in reality, something is wrong.

Perspective is about noting what you have and what you don't have. Its also about noting what others have and don't have. Be authentic and realistic when thinking about these things. Do these things really matter to the real me? Is it realistic to expect these things. I'm amazed at the people who simultaneously complain about the state of their M, while (or before) they are having an A. Is is realistic to expect those two things to occur at the same time. I'm amazed at those that view their M only from the perspective of what it takes from them. They moan about their lack of freedom and ability to live a life devoid of any responsibility to another. Seldom do they rejoice in the fact that another person is standing by and freely giving a kind word and helping hand for all your life. For all the wonderful things a person possess, they fancy 1,000 others, and because of this they have stress and unhappiness.

Keeping those things in mind, what you need is a resolution to your situation. So you can continue to be unauthentic, live in a fantasy, and be devoid of perspective. In which case this will go on an indeterminate amount of time and both you and your H will be miserable, whether you stay M'd or not. Or you can be authentic, live in reality and gain some perspective. If so, end all contact with OM. Then tell your H what is going on. This is when you get to be responsible for your choices. He may want to divorce you. He may want to try and work it out. If he does, give it a real effort. I guarentee you that your H does not want you to be in a loveless M. I'm not saying your M will work. I'm saying that if you both really try for a while, you will both be better people.

FWIW, I sincerely wish my WW had just done this years ago. I have no doubt that we would both be happier and healthier people today if she had just opened up and told me what she was thinking and feeling. I'm sure that she felt she was sparing my feelings but the reality is she was just making things worse.

Finally, I do hope you actually listen to the people who post to you. My WW posted here, but never really listened to what anyone had to say. She assummed that this was a site full of people who had no other objective than to convince people to stay married. Some of the people on this site might seem harsh. They are not mean, they are just trying to be direct and sincerely hope you make a good decision. Remember, most of the people here have spent a very long time trying to understand BS, WS, good M's, bad M's, etc. When you find yourself reading these posts and saying these people just don't understand me or my sitch. Just remember this story;

A guy is walking down the street and he falls into this big hole in the ground. He starts yelling up for somebody to help him out. A priest walks by and says "oh that's terrible, I'll say a prayer for you." But the guy is still stuck in the hole. A contsruction worker walks by and throws down a ladder. But the ladder is too short and the guy is still stuck in the hole. A third guy walks by and the fellow in the hole yells up to see if he can help him out. The guy stops and jumps into the hole. The fellow in the hole looks at him and says "what the heck are you doing, now we're both stuck down here. The guy looks at him and says "yeah, but I been in this hole before and I know the way out."