Has anyone on this site had suspicions of infidelity, especially women, of their husband?

I am reading and educating myself as quickly as I can from the info on this site.

I know this is a general question, but I would like to find out if their are other folks whom have suspected their H or W cheating, and in fact, they found out they were not?

How the heck can I find out?

I posted similar question on the Just found out section.

There doesn't seem to be a way for me, in my situation, to REALLY KNOW.

The couseling we have doen opend up the lines of communication.

My H seesm to really love me, need me, and want me.
\But, as I have learned from reading other posts here and other forums, a spouse can have an affair EVEN when they love their SO....


Help anybody. I am sick most of the time. I am doing the best I can to try to be this happy person, fulfill his emotional needs, tell him what my needs are, not be depressed, so he wants to be with me...all the advice I have read.

But I can't take this uncertainty.

I saw where you were planning on putting a recorder in his vehicle. Did you do that?

Sadly, suspicions are usually comfirmed. I keep hoping, in case after case that nothing is going one, but there usually is. Its amazing how gut feelings can be trusted.

I chickened out. I wish I could just go to radio shack and buy the recorder and put it in. It will be difficult to actually do this, he is a very light sleeper, and seems to be "looking" or be aware that I am going to monitor im.

he really is on his cell, not the home phone....
And then we have a good weekend, we talk, he is VERY re-assuring, loving, caring, and I lose my nerve.

Like I have said, I believe, after finding this site a few mos ago, and educating myself, he went thru the withdrawal about 9 mos to a year ago. This is based on the description of that process from this website.

I have been petrified for the past couple of years, very insecure, very down on myself, and too worried about what makes HIM happy.

I also don't make enough $ to keep my house, or even my vehicle...I have an awful job, I have been putting a lot of effort to find a new one, and having my M be so full of stress, and my worklife, at the same time, ahs been very very hard for me to deal with.

I have confiede in a couple of friends/siblings, and they say maybe I am being insecure.

sled, I have found from personal experience and from being on this forum for years, that gut instincts about this kind of thing are almost always right. In fact, I can't think of a single case where they WEREN'T.

That doesn't mean yours is, but I would encourage you to INVESTIGATE your feelings so you can rule it in or out.

Ways to find out would be to check cell phone bills, place GPS on his car, check his computer, etc.

GPS...His job takes him ALL OVER THE PLACE....HE HAS NO "SCHEDULE"
HIS CELL IS CO. ISSUED (I do check the rec'd calls...but he has like over 110 customers! No way for me to research all the no's.

He isn't on our home pc...unless he is sneaking home during the day...I haven't checked the history all that much because of that.

How do I find out, if it was a while ago, and he isn't involved anymore?

I am calling my dr. because my IBS is full-on and I am sick all the time.

Please, any more suggestions or advice?

Did you put a recorder in his vehicle?

I'm sorry that you're feeling so unwell. You wrote that a few years ago his attitude towards you changed, that he removed his wedding ring, etc.

Is that attitude still continuing? What is the current status of your interactions with each other?

God thank you for replying so fast. I am drowning.

He put his ring back on about 4-5 mos ago.

He stopped wearing it (he told me, I did not notice at the time) around March 2005, I "noticed" around August last year or so..

No I did not put the recorder in his vehicle. I don't know where I should stick it, so it will work, and he won't find it.

Last year, August 5th to be exact, he told me he was sick of being married to me. Prior to that, our sex life was about 1-2 times per week, generally O.K., he was very distant, depressed....

I strated to get my courage back last fall, and told him WE had a problem, and we have been making progress as a couple ever since.

He spent from (this is an estimate) mid 2004 to last fall, 2006, in this moody phase.

He only started working out about 1 mo ago, with me.God he SEEMS SO GUILTY, LIKE HE WANTS TO TELL ME.

But, he is very patient, loving, holds me looks me in the eye, says he has NEVER BEEN UN-FAITHFUL.

Funny thing is, I only came to the conclusion (suspicion) that he possibly had an affair the beginning of April of this year.

At that time, I started "adding up" all the behavior:

Stopped wearing his ring, and for 19 years he wore it all the time
Treated my like crap...from roughly mid 2004 to fall 2006
and picked on me for stupid things

Sex, during that time felt "mechanical"

Did I say he was depressed, and moody?

Now, again,

No phone calls/hang-ups
He isn't/wasn't out at night, or, late from work
No lipstick on his collar
No weird cc charges, or receipts or any "signs" like that.

Anyone have exp. with the tape recorder in a vehicle things?

Take a deep breath and calm down, okay?

This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. So, keep some perspective about it. You're in a good place in that he has made moves back toward you and into the marriage, regardless of what may have occurred earlier. I'm not excusing or downplaying his possible infidelity, I just want you to recognize the positives you have going right now.

Do you work full time or are you free to do and go during the day?

Yes..,need advice on how to actually put a tape recorder in a 2006 Ford ranger extended cab.I need somehting that won't click off, or make a noise so he finds it.

Obviously, I have been questioning my H since april on whether or not he has cheated...and, I have good days and bad days.

Good days, I am confident, I am happy, I laugh.

Bad days (when he comes home depressed, moody) I am full of insecurity again, and I "gently" bring up the subject.

He REPEATEDLY says he hasn't ever strayed. Oh my god, I have to do something.In the past, over the years, when I have "accused" him of something, he usually gets really mad.
Not so with this situation, which is so weird.

I actually am considering checking myself into the looney bin to deal with my feelings.

I work full time, but I have some latitude in my day...

But he has a service route, changes with the wind, almost impossible for me to follow him.

And, I have no $ for a PI. Or, have any close friends that can follow him, or I would have done that.

I am trying to calm down...

I feel like such a fool. I should of had some courage 2 years ago, when he was in his "fog" or what have you, and made a stand then.

I am such a wimp.

If you feel that you are that close to the edge, do you have a physician or counselor you can talk to today?

I couldn't tell whether or not you had answered the question on whether or not you are free during the day?

I am very atrractive for my age, thank god I have kept in great shape.

We have some good hobbies together, he is home every night, and, in the past couple of mos recoginzes that I am alive, and I have needs too.

He actually says that my suspicions are my hormones, or my lack thereof.

(Yes, I started menopause about 2 1/2 yrs ago).,-

Is it possible to meet him during the day for lunch on occasion?

Have you ever gone by his place of business, do you know his coworkers?

He is on the road....big territory. No way for me to check up on him, or stop by...

All his co-workers (for the most part) are other guys, who will IN NO WAY give me any info.

A couple of them are probubly cheaters themselves.

I am sure, though, that he has confided in somebody.

Any advice on how to put in the tape recorder? Or advice on how I should proceed, based on the info I have given?

Woohoo! menopause-I "feel" you there. Chemo put me into "abrupt menopause" and because I had breast cancer, I can't take any of the hormones (even natural ones) to help with those wonderful "personal tropical vacations". I am trying some other natural remedies, but so far...I'm glad we are having a rainy week here (not typical this time of year).

Have you been to your Dr. about that? If so, did your Dr. tell you that being suspicious of your H's change in behavior was a side effect of fluctuating hormones?

It's a nice excuse for your H to use but I don't buy it. When I was researching the side effects of menopause, what I found out was it causes physical symptoms, and some brain fuzziness (like not being able to remember someone's name or information that usually you could recall) but not suspiciousness. Isn't that PMS?

Just MHO.

I'll have to defer to others regarding the recorder since I have no experience or knowledge of them.

As to how to proceed, I do have a suggestion or two.

Right now, asking him whether or not he is/has had an affair accomplishes little. You've asked several times and you didn't get anything helpful in response. So, I would stop asking.

Also, when he comes home and he's moody, don't make it about you or a possible affair. Dealing with the public every day in large quantities is more than enough to make someone down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Make home a welcome place for him. Don't hit him with affair talk if he's cranky when he walks in the door - tell him you're glad he's home and pet on him some.

Is he open to marriage counseling?

Check out this thread...lots of good ideas in there.

Spying 101

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

SB, I've done the recorder in the car. I bought it at Radio Shack, about 80 bucks. Its digital, voice activated- doesnt make any noise turning on/off.

I put it under the passenger seat- velcro'd it so it wouldnt slip or slide forward incase of a quick stop.

It does pick up every noise though, so if a radio is on, it will pick that up- but most people turn a radio down when on the cell. Because it picks up every sound- it tends to run constantly in the car, which burns thru batteries.

Some people have suggested using the little mic that comes with it and running it up the steering column- but I would be concerned it would be seen..

But if there is something to hear, and your H is in his vehicle alot, it wont take long to hear at least his side of a conversation.

When I was putting it in the car- I had to ask myself- what has brought me to this place in my 22 year marriage that I would feel the need to do that.

Like you- no other signs at all- and in our business, he talks to ALOT of people- male/female ( at least 2500-3000 mins a month) so looking at cell bills wouldnt normally be odd to see several calls to same number etc. He's very friendly and my concern was someone taking that friendliness the wrong way- and him not nipping it , because it is a stroke to our egos to have someone who doesnt know our "baggage" or our "moody side" listen to us about things spouses have heard for years....

Plus my gut was talking to me. ( Also, a listen to his voice message from a particular client, that was I believed inappropriate at best.)

Anyway, a voice recorder is quick, cheap but get ready for what you may hear.

Must chip in here, as I am going through peri-menopause myself. I believe my meno was prompted by the shock of my H's affair last year, although I think I had been having some vague meno symptoms for some time (I had a hysterectomy at quite a young age). One of these symptoms is what I can only describe as 'brain fog'. The mood swings are horrendous - one minute fine, the next crying constantly. And I then all the affair thoughts come back to the surface again, making me sink even further. Although suspicion may not be a sign of the meno, it's during these moments that I start to get a little anxious again that something could start up, although I know, in my rational brain, that it wouldn't.

So, it's not as far-fetched as it sounds, but I agree that sometimes men can put anything down to hormones. Luckily, my H came out of his fog fairly quickly, and he's being an absolute rock at the moment.

[color:"red"]Here's where I hang out[/color] to get support on the menopausal stuff.