Hey Andy,, where have you been.. How are you doing????<P>Mickey

hi mickey,<P>Yup, I'm here! I'm doing pretty good right now, thanks for asking.<P>Last weekend my wife and I bought rollerblades, and today we went to a park and skated around. My wife is brandy new to rollerblading, but it was pretty fun.<P>We're making strides slow but sure. At least I don't feel so depressed. I'm trying to put the thoughts about ACL and all that stuff out of my head for now, and just let things progress.<P>--andy

Great Andy!! Sounds like small baby steps for you!!<P>My H has made some more strides of his own the last couple of weeks.. I really have noticed some changes for the good...<P>I spoke to him the other day again about meeting each others needs.. I asked him again about need for physical attraction/ or adoration (since the only thing he mentioned was that ow was young and cute).. He absolutely flat out denies that that had anything to do with it only other than flattery.. He said I definitely met his needs and meet his needs in ALL AREAS.... <BR>He said it is his problems,,, and totally nothing to do with me..Is that possible?<P>We had a good talk about a lot.. and things are really starting to look up for us.. I think he is still struggling a little with the withdrawal,, but it is subsiding.. He told me the other day that he is finally waking up... and his fantasy is dying a natural death... Says he definitely knows his future is with me..<P>How are your withdrawal symptoms?<p>[This message has been edited by mickey65 (edited October 10, 1999).]

Hey mickey, it's great to hear how well you and your hubby are doing! I had a feeling you guys would do good. I'm very encouraged by what he's saying to you! Are you still planning on moving to get away from the OW? Also, you mentioned I think, that she was also a cop. Does she work with your husband? If so, how do you two deal with that?<P>My withdrawal is also getting better. It's helped by the realization that the OW probably wouldn't give me the time of day right now. It's easier to forget someone when you know there's no reciprocation back from them. I can only imagine what it would be like trying to forget her if she was still pursuing me! ack! Can we say "impossible"?? <P>--andy

Andy:: We decided not to move.. at least right now.. My h told me the other night,. He doesnt care where she lives.. it wont effect him.. He said he will not let her push us out of our home.. I tend to agree with him, that I will not let her do that to us.. but it still makes me sick to my stomach,,,almost an erie feeling..<BR>Yes, she is a cop and works at the same dept., but she works night shift and my husband went to day shift right after the affair was exposed.. Best move he could have made... It still bothers me that she works there,, and originally I wanted my h to change jobs,, but again,, he feels he can get through it by the opposite shift thing,, Also he would take a huge pay cut, and start all over in his retirement,, which really would be hard.. I think it will be a little more difficult this way, but definitely possible... I really think it would be almost impossible if they worked the same shift.. H told me that numerous times before I found out about the affair, he was on the same shift as her, and he tried to break it off several times,, it was just so hard...<BR>Ya know,, I was thinking today,, its almost a year now since this has happend.. A year that I really didnt have my H,, even though most of the time he was with me physically,, he wasnt emotionally... I finally feel that I am starting to get my H back.. seeing him laugh and smile and be the person he used to be.. it feels great.. and I/We now need to learn from this and make sure it never happens again.<BR>Andy,,, glad to hear that your situation is start to come around again too.. !! Keep moving in the right direction.. I have a lot of hope for you too!!! I was also curious with your wifes cultural differences.. is it a language barrier?? If so, is there any classes she can take to help her?

Cultural barriers: It's like this -- no matter how long she stays in this country, or what kind of classes she takes, it will always be there. She grew up in Japan, I grew up in the U.S. We both have totally different life experiences. Things that I take for granted are just... foreign to her.<P>Take for an example, old sitcoms -- she's never seen an episode of Gilligan's Island. So if I make a reference to "little buddy" she wouldn't have the slightest idea what I'd be talking about. That's just a small example. In general, it's no biggie. I just avoid that kind of stuff. But over the course of 16 years of marriage, it starts to unconciously weigh on my shoulders. It's like a bus with a governor on it. I can't go over 55 mph when I talk to her... Does that make any sense at all? It's not her fault.<P>And actually it's the same thing in reverse for her. I don't have a clue about some of the Japanese cultural references that she would pull out during conversation, if we were speaking in Japanese. The thing is, it's not a big deal for her. Conversation is not one of her main emotional needs, whereas it is for me.<P>We'll just have to work through it, or maybe I'll just have to live without.<P>With regards to your situation, I'm glad that you're seeing the old Mike back again! Yes he definitely made the right choice by changing shifts! Hopefully she won't get any ideas and request a transfer to his shift too... <gulp>. Also, I think it's good that you chose to remain in your present house. I think that was my original advice to you when you asked that before... <P>Well, this has gone on long enuff!<BR>--andy<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited October 10, 1999).]

I understand a little more Andy..<P>In regard to ow changing shifts... She cant... she is a rookie and it will take her several years to get on to day shift.. By then,, hopefully, it will all be just a fainted memory for all involved..

Hey mickey,<P>arrgh!! We had a fight about ACL tonite. Spoiled a perfectly good weekend. Rats. I didn't start it either. It's really something I prefer not to talk about with her. I don't want to keep rubbing her face in the fact that I was never 100% head-over-heels. But she keeps bringing it up. urgh.<P>--andy

Too bad about the fight Andy... I hope she will relax it bit on that...Its probably real hard for her.. <BR>I know that there have been times that I have had to hold back.. it isnt easy.. I like results... I am just trying to be patient, and let time be the healer...Has she educated herself on withdrawal, romantic love vs. mature love and all the other stuff to help her???<P>Oh, too,,, I was also curious to know about your opinion on why someone (my h) would have an affair even though he said all his needs were totally met, I am everything he would ever want in a wife,,, etc, etc..<P>I just dont understand why if what he says is true..

Hi Andy and Mickey,<P>I'm curious about Andy's situation,too, because his affair was emotional (like my h). Also, because he said he did not feel romantically connected to his W. (my h. said that, too. Too bad the spouse does not know the extent of the emotional damage caused by that statement. Its like telling your child you don't feel connected like a parent). Anyway, I'm just wondering why you (Andy) were attracted to your W in the first place. What attracted you to her? I still find it hard to imagine one could get married if they truly did not love the OP. Also, are you and your W in joint counseling? My H still won't go. We are reading Harely's Give and Take but he laughs and critisizes a lot. Very closed to instruction, I'm afraid.<P>Mickey. Nice to hear your H is waking from his madness. My H claims he was in love with someone who could not have been meeting any of his emotional needs because it was one big fantasy in his head. He's always said I was his best friend. Hence, his need for conversation must have been met. I cooked and cleaned for him, was a big influence on making both his and my family think he was such a man of honor and truth (they all know how crazy I am about him). The only need I can think that she possibly could have fulfilled was admiration-she was a little 18 year old chasing around my 32 year old MH. Gigantic stroke to his ego.<P>I'm trying to be patient but find myself lovebusting quite a bit lately. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not sure if I want my marriage anymore (unfortunately, I blurted this out to him yesterday and now am regretting it). Then, the next minute, I'm in a panic for feeling that way. He does not seem like the kind, caring man I married. I keep trying to believe that that man is somewhere underneath this selfish self-absorbed man I see now. But sometimes, I feel like I don't want to try anymore. I'm tired. But I can't give up.

mickey -- Well, about your husband's affair... I'm not the hugest Harley fan in the world. I think there are a miriad of reasons why someone would have an affair, and many of those reasons are outside of the whole "emotional needs" thing. I would tend to believe your husband when he says it was because she was cute and she admired him alot. The allure of a cute girl who really likes you (especially if she is younger than you) is very enticing. And there's also the fantasy of something new. Many guys I know talk about getting some "strange"... meaning that they'd like to sleep with someone besides their wife because it would be new and different. I'm not saying your hubby is like that, but well... you know guys. We're into that whole "sex" thing... <P>Hi hurtingwife -- I was wondering how you were doing, since I haven't heard from you in a while. I see things are pretty much the same as they were before, although it does sound like you guys are making little baby steps of progress. Don't worry that he laughs about Harley stuff. Even if he scoffs at it, I'll bet some of the concepts will stick with him.<P>About what attracted me to my wife... didn't we go over this before? Well anyway, the girlfriend I had before her was a wacko, very emotionally insecure. My wife, by contrast was very mature and grounded. I think alot of my attraction to her was because of that. I didn't want another relationship where I had to walk on eggshells. We got along good. Never fought. Always had a good time together. I thought the feelings I had for her were strong enough to last (I was young and didn't have the slightest idea what marriage REALLY meant). I didn't love her 100%, but maybe 80%. Also, back then, I didn't really give it much introspection. We were together, we worked well as a couple, people thought we looked good together... etc. etc. I just didn't think "Hmm... Am I really in love with her?" It's hard to explain beyond that. It gets frustrating to talk about cuz I can't adequately explain it.<P>Anyway, you two take it easy!<BR>--andy

Andy,<P>Let me get this straight. You were attracted to your wife because she was mature and grounded? So then, any girl who might have crossed your path who you felt was mature and grounded would have captured your attention (heart). Hmmm.<P>Nothing about her eyes, her appearnce, the way she moved turned you on, huh? God, I remember my H. Just being in the same room with him set the butterflies to racing. Still does sometimes. The other night, a bunch of his friends were here and every time he touched me, I felt a shiver of delight go through me. How can it be possible that only one of us has those feelings. Seems there would have to be a true chemistry between the two of us to get that sort of reaction. <P>As for loving your W 80%. I have a sneaking suspicion that if you had loved her 100% you'd probably still be feeling the lack you claim to feel now. The thrill and freshness of your affair would have dimmed (uprooted) your true feelings (and probably even made you doubt them) for your wife as you planted them somewhere else, regardless. That's why affairs are so dangerous. The thought enters my mind now and then. Gees, it might even show me I could have feelings for someone else (I've never felt for anyone what I felt for my h and I have a hard time thinking its possible). But if I knew it was, it might help me to rationalize that I never felt what I thought I felt for him. But I can tell you right now, while I'm clear headed, no one could love someone more or be more consumed in love with ACL for someone than I am/was with my h. If I ever fall, I want to remember that. Sorry if I sound vandictive. I'm not; I just don't understand the pain we cause each other. Oh well, I'm still full heartedly committed to being my H W, friend, lover and helpmate for life.<P>He told me this morning before he left for work that he loved me (I don't know the % of that love. I'm trying not to think about it). Anyway, have a good day. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Nothing about her eyes, her appearnce, the way she moved turned you on, huh? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, of course I did think she was attractive (still do). And she had a nice personality as well. Also, I've always been hung up on Asian women, and my wife is Japanese (as I've mentioned).<P>There are many things that go into my belief that I wasn't 100% in love with my wife. Things that I remember happening when we were dating. For instance, we were broken up once for around 6-8 months. When we broke up I wasn't very hurt. Instead I was angry. <P>There are many other things I could site, but I don't want to belabor the point. Not to mention, I am allowing for the very real possibility there could be some discoloring of my feelings due to the affair, as you say.<P>--andy