I guess I don't understand why any rational person would feel bad about snooping on a spouse who is having an affair? I do not get that. Does anyone have the right to the privacy to have an affair? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Should the DEA also feel bad about spying on drug dealers? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Some additional history might be required to get everyone on the same page. When I found out about the affair I made one mistake and that was not exposing the affair to the spouse of my wife's affair partner. The horse is out of the barn. At the time, the mistake I made was I told my wife and she agreed that if she continued no contact and gave me access to all her email and phone 's that I would not contact her. She agreed. I watch all her email and phone's delingently for 2mos without any contact. There are ceratin things she say's and does that truley makes me feel that it is over with him. That's not too say she is not starting a new one. Who knows. I will talk with her about getting access to her cell phone again, being that I am paying for it.

She bullied you into enabling the A. That broke the trust contract. Expose to OM's W. If she accuses of betraying her trust, let her know their is no trust with a WS. Let her know you did it to save your Wife's trust not the WS'.

Even if she is NC with that OM and possibly has taken another....or not....expose...why? Because you don't feel safe in your M.

L.

fofour, the only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise. It was a BAD PROMISE to agree to help your wife and her boyfriend hide their affair from the victim. Hiding the affair for them makes the risk of resumption GREATER because affairs thrive on secrecy. YOU HAVE BECOME THE ENABLER. You are an accessory to the crime and I assure you that the OMW will not appreciate it one bit.

Whose side are you on?

It is the WRONG thing to do, for everyone concerned. It is bad for your wife and the OM because it protects them from the consequences of the affair and enables them to continue, it is bad for the OMW because your W and the OM are free to harm her behind her back, it is bad for the children in both marriages becuase it ENABLES the affair and risks the security of their families, it is BAD for you becuase it leaves an avenue for resumption of the affair.

It is much easier to carry on an affair when one of the victims does not know about it.

My suggestion would be to call up the OMW and rectify this situation NOW. I suspect that your W is still in touch with him. GET THE HORSE BACK IN THE BARN!

Anyone know how to get access to cell phone when suspected WW has changed the password?

Fofour did not mention that WW was out all day yesterday and called late at night to tell him she wouldn't be home at all. Supposedly helping a friend get ready for a family party. Hmmmm.

ALso, should Fofour decide to go Plan B--how is custody of the children handled when he is the full time breadwinner? Does crazy acting WW have the kids except evenings and weekends? What kind of world can he expect in terms of seeing his kids? She is very short tempered with the kids now and has, on occasion, left them alone for minimum an hour while she goes who knows where...

SIL, the WW should be allowed limited visitation with the kids, but the first step in Plan B would be to get her out of there into her own place. He should try for primary custody, with the kids staying at their own home with him. Ultimately, matters such as visitation would be decided by the court.

However, he has many opportunities here that he has not even used before he goes into Plan B. Helping them hide this affair has only ENBABLED it, as you can see. He needs to knock off that foolishness and call the OMW. That is a critical strategic mistake to be manipulated into keeping the secret from the OMW. And the solution is to CALL HER UP and expose the affair.

SIL, unless he starts standing up to this affair and starts taking some tough steps, he is going to wear down very quickly. Please help him defend his marriage against this affair before it is too late.

SIL, can he hire a PI? A PI could find out what she is doing and get into her cell phone.

Talk to the OM's wife, and find out if he stayed out all night helping a friend get ready for a party.

Do you think I, or my husband, a FWH--we are doing great now--should call OMW?

I think a PI would be great since then fofour doesn't have to actually "do" the "snooping." He is having a hard time. He exposed the A to my and FWW's parents and my dad's response was basically negative about checking email and such. My dad didn't learn much from my experience, even though I had to leave my FWH with infant D and live with them for three months during my Plan B. They don't get marriagebuilders at all. I think that made fofour feel badly--I have tried to explain how it is helping, not hurting things but it is hard for him.

FoFour,


You are trusting someone to disclose the above who is proven to be untrustworthy. Why in the world would you trust her to give you access to this stuff? She can very easily have a second cell (affair-phone) or use phone cards for contact.

One thing you can count on, an active cheating spouse just becomes a better liar, sneakier and more creative/covert once discovered.

If your gut is telling you she's still cheating or if there's something you just can't put your finger on thats nagging at you, chances are shes cheating. Protect yourself and SNOOP until you find the proof.

Jo

SIL, I think you would be doing them all a great favor if you called the OMW and told her.

I think he should hire a PI, however, he needs to stop being silly about snooping. Snooping on someone who is he11bent on destroying his family is his responsibility AS A MAN and as a father in order to protect his family. IT IS HIS JOB TO PROTECT HIS FAMILY FROM HARM.

I don't give a damn what his FIL said, he has a responsibility to protect his family and needs to knock it off. It is BAD to have an affair and destroy one's family, it is not BAD to snoop and CATCH that person. [unless he thinks the police are being BAD for catching drug dealers]

I will be honest with you, though, I don't know that fofour has the NADS to be able to stand up for his family when he won't even do the simplest, most basic things to defend his marriage and family from this affair.

I am not saying this to be mean, but I become very concerned when someone won't lift a finger to help his own family because he is "scared" or "feels bad about snooping." Rome is burning and he is concerned about his feelings. Time to MAN UP!

If the dynamics in FoFour marriage has always been his WW rules the roost, you can be sure she [WW] is counting on him being complacent by doing nothing while she destroys their marriage and family.

These words may sound harsh. Just know we have all been in your shoes.

FoFour,
It is time to MAN UP. Your children are counting on you to fight for them. They need and rely on you as the only sane grounded parent. Your wife is an addict and will step on anyone to get her fix.

Jo

SIL - it doesn't matter WHO tells OM'sW only that she is told.

fofour is enabling this affair at this time sadly.

Descisive action is needed but he wants time off??????? WTF is that all about. It's a war - there is no freakin cease fire.

Your wife fofour wants the white knight on the horse to rescue her from herself. Get to work and man up!!!!

FoFour

Maybe if you read Good Father's story you'll see some similarities in yours and his sitch regarding fear.

Good Father's Story - CLICK HERE

Thank you for this link--very appropriate.

I will talk to fofour again tomorrow.

Time to get in gear again. I will do what needs to be done.

I am so upset that my sister could do this--she went through my BW trauma every step of the way. She was a witness to the pain and destruction it caused AND the fact that even an A can be overcome. I have been warning her for almost two years that HER actions could contribute to her H (fofour) being suceptible to an affair. How ironic! She wants to now play the victim, but I, for one, am not buying it.
SIL

SIL,

When one is participating in adultery, they are void of conscience and logic regarding what was once unacceptable to them. Because, of course, what they are experiencing IS DIFFERENT AND SPECIAL. <gag>

Once a BS wraps their mind around the fact that their cheating spouse needs to be viewed as an addict, they have a fighting chance in saving their marriage (Plan A/B).

Jo

What's interesting is

IF SIL does the exposing and it works it MAY help FoFour's recovery.

If OM ends it to go back to his marriage...it won't be FoFour's fault.

He'll have deniability and he will actually be more able to comfort her through withdrawal (assuming you get lucky and OM's wife shuts this affair down). Sure SIL will be the bad guy and FoFour may have to kind of go along with this for a short bit but the important thing is saving this marriage and family. When the Fog clears...her sister will be viewed as a savior not a traitor/interloper.

I certainly think it would be better for FoFour himself if he took the initiative and did it himself but getting it done is what matters.

NOW is the perfect time to expose as she just spent the night out presumably with OM. If the nights out match up the affair resumption is irrefutable and OM's wife and you guys can work together to bust this thing up.

Mr. Wondering

Unfortunately, he won't be the one to take CREDIT for taking the hard steps to save his marriage. Rather, his SIL will have to take the heat and that will cause nuclear fallout in their family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My sister already is not talking to me AT ALL because I have been helping fofour to deal with all of this. I tried many, many times to help her and get her out of the fog, but she never listened. She thought I was taking sides. I would say, yes, I am taking the side of my niece and nephews who deserve an intact family and a mom who isn't lost in the fog!

Of course, SHE is unique, she is NOT my FWH who could work on his M, or ANYONE else who has gone through this, and there are actually quite a few examples around her of people who have recovered their marriages nicely. She only wants to be around bitter divorcees who seem to want to "party" a lot and "make ourselves happy after we have spent so many years taking care of everyone else, with no appreciation." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am willing to expose once I get the info to do it. I don't know if she and I will ever reconcile, but I know that I must do what I can to help give the kids a chance to have a happy, intact family.

SIL, you are a good, brave friend to your sister and her family. My sister is currently not talking to me either, because I "betrayed her" by calling up her husband to tell him that my sister was taking 1500mg per day of illegal painkillers. She was driving around town playing rich soccer mom, hauling kids around, stoned out of her mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Not to mention the fact that people can die from kidney failure on this particular narcotic. She hasn't talked to me since for "betraying her." So, I know how you feel and very much believe you are doing the right thing.