Hi there,

Let me begin by saying that yesterday while I was walking I asked G-d to give me a sign for my path. When I got home there was an offer from a neighbor on my house and fixing it up and splitting the net profits. He is actually going to take care of the lawsuit.

When I walked inside, there was a message from the apt complex that I wanted to live at saying there were 2 3 bedroom apts available. So, if I can get my WH to sign the paper relinquishing of the house, then the house can be sold and I can move out. I have also lost 49 lbs as of yesterday.

But today I had this online conversation with my WH and have no idea what or if it means anything. Could you please read and let me know if there is anything I can do or just turn it over?

Mind you, he is still living with the OW. So nothing has changed there.

me: does your auto deposit kick in tonight?

George: No they lost the check and I need another one

me: what? how did that happen?

George: I have no idea it was stapled to the paper

me: lol is it ok to still do?

George: Yes it is we will try again

me: ok, I'll get a check to you. Do you want me to send you one?

George: No I need to work on the house soon

me: actually I wanted to talk to you about that we need to still get the stuff out of the garage.
Can I Iower the prices and see if we can get that completed

George: Ok did you repost the Sub and stuff?

me: I did and nothing

George: Make the Sub 1000 and engine 800 or both for 1500 firm

me: how come down so much

George: What did we post at before?

me: 1500 for sub I can't remember the other one

George: I think 1000 for the engine

me: ok

George: Is Mike done with the deck?

me: so the plan is to make the money that will free us up to sell Whistler and fix the house up? Or have you changed your mind?
I have some friends coming over in 3 weeks to do the deck

George: Yes that was the idea but I thought you wanted to be out soon?

me: what do you want

George: To get the house done and move on

me: and what does move on mean

George: To be done with the house

me: ok. We need to talk sometime about what is next for this family

George: Yes we do. Dose Aaron have a phone yet?

me: yes Do you have an idea of what is next

George: Not right now and you?

me: I have some thoughts, but I wanted your input to see what my next move is do you know when you might have an idea

George: What are your thoughts? what do you want? where are you headed?

me: My thoughts are I have two ways to go. With you and a complete family or without you and it's just me and the boys. I want you to be a part of our family
I am headed in a new life, one that I have been building since the day you walked out on us. What do you want?

George: Was told to leave

me: Not by me

George: Yes by you and the boys

me: the boys not me. And aren't we the parents and decide what is best for our family.

George: Yes we are

me: and haven't I asked you to come home many times

George: You have and you know the answer

me: does it change once we are out of the house

George: With work and change yes it could

me: what kind of work and change are you thinking

George: You and I a whole new leavel

me: I completely agree is that something that you would like to see?

George: Yes

me: me too

George: Is Mikki alright?

me: Yes, why? I worry about her in that relationship
just to make sure I am understanding. With absolute work and complete change, you are willing to see us be together as husband and wife


George: It would be more than you and I have ever done with no garenties

me: can you explain. I'm not sure I understand. I get the no guarantees.


George: First hes an [censored] and I am worried about Mikki

me: well we agree there

George: next we have never relley had a chance to grow up or I hadent yet,. I dont and wont be alone any more

me: You are right. That is something that I have been working extremely hard on. I will NOT leave you alone

George: Is Mike ok?

me: for the most part. How did you come to your realization about growing up. I told you, I have given up all my volunteer work, ok not lacrosse, but I am usually home almost every night now I have gotten the boys and me on a schedule that I am enjoying.

George: I have had time and am begining to see things that I needed in my life that I just went without

me: like what
George: Someone who wants to be in all my life

me: I want to offer you that. I too have had a lot of time to think and learn about myself and that you are, next to G-d the most important person in my life


George: The boys were who I lived for and miss more than any of you could ever know. (Please note: he hasn't contacted them in over 2 months)

me: would you agree that the ideal situation would be to be completely in love with the mother of your children.

George: That would be ideal. But is that real?

me: I want you to have the best. And with what I have learned and come to understand, I believe it can be absolutely real. Would you be interested in finding out how that could be possible

George: Well we will see I am not the same nor are you as we were

me: not I am not. Would you be willing to talk a someone who could give you some information about whether this is possible or not the reality is, the same is dead
our marriage died that day and I don't want it back. I want to create something entirely different and magnificent

George: Who do you have in mind? Oh yes I know the same is DEAD

me: a counselor? I have looked on this website called Marriage Builders. I spoke with this man, who explained to me all the things I did wrong and what I needed to do to change. He offered to speak with you and just give you information or rather gather information this isn't a commitment to do anything, I am not getting any hopes us, just strictly an opportunity for you to gather information about getting that ideal scenario of loving the mother of your children

The conversation went on to where he would talk on the phone to him, but that he wanted to know how much it would cost first. I told him I would sell something to pay for it, but he said no.

He said that one of the ways that we could begin to see if things had changed was by working on the house. If I sell the house, that takes that opportunity away. Any thoughts? I don't want to blow any chances, but then again, I really am changing and want to do what's best for everyone.

So, what do you think? Is he still completely WH and I just need to move on, or do you have any suggestions how I could continue this conversation with him.

Thank you,
SG

I don't see a crack in the door, I see him trying to steal your life away from you with no commitment on his part.

This is no time for let's make a deal, this is more of a plan B time.

He knows he needs his family, he wants you to give him the family part without you because he knows that hurts you.

Get your mind and heart in sync. Then plan B. Can you do that?

L.

gal,

I think he will vacillate and peek out the fog from time to time....like here. His confusion and contradiction is indicative of someone playing both sides....fence sitting. He's not willing to commit, comply or risk anything....but he wants to know you're "there" to give him his family "fix". There's nothing wrong with being encouraged....as long as you don't have any huge expectations. But for now....let this conversation sink in. I think that the pieces are falling into place that will allow you to move to Plan B if you need to. I think you're moving towards a much greater position of strength....and that's a really great thing.

Ok, Starfish said it waaay better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pay heed to the Star! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Careful

I totally agree with Starfish & Orchid.

From my perspective it sounded so much like the agenda my (very) wayward (and now ex) husband used to say.

He basically wants his family (maybe even you too) but when/if he wants his wife and family MORE than he wants the OW he will make that clear by his words and actions.

Don't put any false hope in the wishy washy talk.
Stick to your plan and concentrate on yourself, your sons, and your future. Maybe someday he will be a part of that again... But my guess is so far he's still unwilling to make a choice: wants it all.

Starfish, Orchid, and Mere,

I can't thank you enough for your support and words of wisdom.

After that conversation yesterday afternoon I got home from my AA meeting to see him online very late again. I asked him why he was still up.

He told me he was waiting for her to come home. I just had to ask where she was. He said "good question". I asked when she was due home "long ago".

Turns out she was out smoking crack all day long. Lied to him about where she was going. And I found out that she has hepatitis C from using heroin with her ex.

I have truly prayed for her healing and welfare and for G-d to take care of her. But to be honest, not at the expense of my husband.

Last night he said he wouldn't stay there, but today he is waffling more and more. He told me that he would go with her to AA meetings, but separate ones.

Then he asked if I would meet him on Sunday for his lacrosse game. I agreed, asked that she not be there. He completely understood.

Before we hung up, I told him that I am excited to be given the opportunity to meet with him. If his plans changed and she was going to be there, then I would like to know. He told me he would call.

I told him that truthfully since I was excited about seeing him, that if his plans changed I would be disapointed and hurt and would prefer an email so that I can deal with my feelings between G-d and myself. He agreed. Will see.

The bottom line for me - my WH left me for a 45 year old smoking crack addict, who is on state disability, a problem family, and who has Hep C and multiple other health problems.

I continue to walk in G-ds path, turn my will and my life over to him and pray that it is his will for my husband to come home one day. And the best part is that I have that beginning spark that I really am ok, and I can take care of myself and my boys because G-d will grace my life.

I guess I would ask that you all pray for this person who is clearly sick and my WH too so that he may really come to realize how much he has given up and know that with hard work we can create the most amazing marriage.

Thank you for your support and honest answers,
SG

Skinsgal,
I just read this thread and have read some of your others. I am so sorry you have to deal with trying to protect your family in this way.

Your WH is an idiot. I am sorry, that is totally judgemental but I cannot escape from the thought, "What an idiot!"

So anyway, please be careful. The OW's lifestyle may infect your WH, you and you kids. Quarantine is what your WH needs. Please protect yourself from the diseases your WH could bring to you. Not just hepatitis, HIV or whatever but diseases of the soul like drug addiction. Your WH's decision making ability is about equal to that of his crack ho, he won't be safe for your family until the quarantine period is over.

Game -

LOL, well at least I am not crazy. The only blessing in all of this is we have not had sex once since he met her. He didn't want to cheat on her.

I am being completely careful and he still doesn't want to come home. He is somehow figuring out how to fix her. Do you think he will ever get it and want to come back to his family?

I go to AA meetings between 3 - 5 a week and talk to my sponsor daily. I just finished my 4th step and am waiting to do my 5th. My sobriety was in jeopardy in the beginning.

Learning what he is doing has actually made me stronger. I thought there was something I could have done that would have changed our situation. I am no so sure there was anything but his downward spiral.

Thanks for the chuckle, I really need to keep laughing.

SG

SG - question for you. Why do you write G-d?

In Judaism we don't write out the name as a sign of respect for him.


SG

Skinsgal is Jewish and many Jews (not all, though) and followers of Judaism treat HaShem with reverence, therefore, they do not spell it out.

Here is a link to more information for you:
http://www.chabad.org/library/article.asp?AID=166899

OK, no disrespect intended.

Skinsgal ~ have you learned about the three Cs yet?

You can not Cause, Control or Cure the addiction in others...

This situation you are in did not get to this place overnight. It will not be repaired overnight. There is no crack here....just your husband babbling self-justifications to himself.

Settle in, focus on you, be a good spouse when you see your husband, but let him go for now. He has his own lessons to learn and you know that God does things in His own time and in His own Way.

My Al-Anon sponsor used to tell me to "Let Go and Let God get him!"

It was 2 years before my marriage got back on track - 18 monthhs of seperation - and my situation is probably the norm for most folks, except alot of BSes give up before that 2 year time.

You are SO BLESSED by God to have a 12 step program and a sponsor to help you with this.

When you become transformed by the spiritual awakening of the Steps, you won't have to prove to your husband that you have changed. He will be able to see it should he choose to look.

Thats what you have to do now. Work on you, work those steps...so when your husband peeks back at what he lost....he'll see a beautiful alternative.

Mojo - none taken

Bramble - thank you.

You are so right when you say I am G-d blessed. He has worked his miracles in my life this week. With the selling of my house and getting an apt. Part of me is very scared because the healthier I get the farther away from my husband I move. But. I have to just walk in faith that is what G-d's will is for me.

I guess I need to pray for more patience I would say. Can I ask an impatient question first, does the 2 years start from the beginning of the affair or D-Day? LOL

I gotta be honest, this working on me stuff is so hard. But if the end result is a happy life for me and my kids and a bonus of an incredible marriage, then it's all worth it in the end.

I need your wisdom to keep me grounded ok?

SG

(This is a joke and intended to be funny)

Oh, skinsgal! Do NOT pray for patience!! SHE TAKES IT BACK, G-D!!

If you pray for patience, I guarantee you that G-d will send you circumstances in which you have to BE patient! Like, waiting for a few years for your WS to come out of the fog...or taking a few years to work on yourself...

If you pray for patience, He will answer your prayers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />



--CJ

The what should I pray for?

SG

pray for the willingness to be willing to say Yes to God.

Pray for patience, a clear mind and a calm heart.

Hugz,
L.