Thanks again, Mel...


This is valuable insight.

My wife is no dummy -- she holds her own.

She does feel overly conscientious sometimes about not having a degree in an office environment surrounded by engineers and PhD's. I try my best to highlight her contributions and how she can make an impact on her office with her skills. I really do think she has a lot of talent and abilities.

But you are showing me some pieces of insight that help....

There is another guy in her office that I've been "worried" about, but mostly dismiss as me being overly sensitive due to her affairs.

This guy is older and not in great shape, but she mentions him frequently. She attributes her last pay raise to him and says, "...he got it for me...". I frequently remind her that SHE earned the pay raise by her skills and contributions and HE had nothing to do with it.

He has emailed her at weird hours, checks up on her and gives me the sense he's a little to attached to her for a government supervisor to be to a contractor.

But, I don't have any "smoking gun" or anything other than my irritation at this situation. I am watching, however.

My point -- you are correct -- insecurities drive much of her interaction at work. The weird thing is that her immediate boss is a female (PhD-type) who adores her. Favors her over the other men that work for her. Praises her skill and competence.

Unfortunately, my failure to respect my own boundaries contributed to this. I tried, unsuccessfully, to have her leave this job after her second PA -- with a co-worker (from another state). I settled for her being transferred and he moving to another contract. But the "inappropriate" work environment followed her. If I had been more true to my gut, things might be different.

But then again, she'd still be the same woman she is.....

Thanks for the stuff to think about, Mel.

CB--


I wish I knew.

Unfortunately, my gut tells me it will take her "flirting" too close to the line again, being caught and me enacting a swift Plan-B until things change.

Personally, I think she could use some counseling to understand the aspects of her personality that leave her vulnerable to her affairs.

She has no intention of stepping foot in a counselor's office, unfortunately.

Blessings

This is the general quandary.

I hear the wisdom in those offering encouragement to confront her.

But I also hear the wisdom in waiting to see if there really is something more. If I expose too early, she goes further underground and I lose a source of monitoring.

On the other hand, confronting her about it now (and giving her the benefit of the doubt) may prevent what she views as "harmless" from evolving into something harmful.

My current plan, based on the advice here, is to wait until she returns from out of town and check her laptop to see if she responded to the joke (further encouragement) or double-deleted it and didn't respond. That answer will tell me alot, I hope.

Thanks

Thanks again, Mel...

...and you are right -- I don't really want to catch her in another affair...most of the time.

See, this latest "incident" has really set me back.

I don't look forward to a lifetime of "checking up on her" or worrying about the guy in the next cubicle who's better looking than me or more outgoing or more wealthy or any number of things I'm not.....

I so look forward to a time when I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that no other guy is a threat, no matter what he looks like or how fun or rich he is.

I feel as if I'm trapped. In my heart-of-hearts, I want her to love me and me love her for the rest of our lives. But sometimes in my mind, I wonder what it would be like if I wasn't regularly worried that she was going to cheat again.

Maybe it will come with time, but I remember Dr. Harley's words (paraphrase): "sometimes a spouse that has been betrayed multiple times will never recover."

I worry that's me and I don't want to live my life like this.

I haven't read "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" but am familiar with the content from other threads on here. Thanks for recommending it.

See, I'm a buyer -- throw myself in and take ownership. I feel as if I'm the only buyer in this marriage right now. I'm worried I might be slipping into a renter and I don't want that to happen.

I will check her laptop when she returns back in town on Friday and see if she responded to this guy's joke. That will help formulate the rest of the confrontation.

Thanks for all your advice and time.

Blessings

Artor, recovery for that spouse is contingent upon the wayward doing things that will effect recovery, such as affair proofing the marriage. Keep that in mind when you read Dr. Harleys words. Recovery can't happen in an environment that only serves to inflict new assaults. Flirting with co-workers is such an environment because it endangers your marriage and is a HUGE LOVEBUSTER, Artor. It is very disrespectful to you and destructive to your marriage.


I am worried right along with you, Artor.

Artor - Hope is not a plan. This is not recovery, But you already knew that.

From Dr Harley's article Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment:


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.

Hey Artor,

How's it going?

Ace

Hi Ace--

Going as good as can be expected....

Wife is on business trip...I'm working overtime while she's gone...

As soon as she gets back and I can get some "quiet time" with her laptop, I'll see if she responded to the "joke in question" email.

This will, hopefully, give me more direction.

If she responded with something cute and witty, then it will help to lend example to her poor boundaries...

If she deleted with no response, then at least she didn't encourage him, but she didn't tell me about it and she must have been "friendly" enough to make him feel comfortable sending it...

If, however, she responded with an email that told him it was inappropriate (or some such words) and asked him not to do it again, then I can feel a greater deal of relief and only have to discuss what made him feel comfortable with sending it.

Can you tell I've been thinking about this a bit????

Thanks

Glad to hear you're hanging in there, Artor. Do any of us BS's think of much else when 'they're' out of town? When does she get back?

I am soooo concerned about Married Forever...have you checked out her Recovery Thread? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Hopefully she'll check in soon....said she was leaving but not sure if she has/took a laptop with her.

Please pray for her, too. I'll be praying for both of you.

Ace

P.S. I discovered the Recovery forum after 'stalking' your history and finding MF's fun threads because you had posted to one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Glad I did cuz now I get to be "in recovery", too. Have you read my "Trials and Smiles" thread? I just updated it and you can take credit for much of our success so far. Thanks for all your help.

Your email situation sounds similar to mine. Thanks to a keylogger I have access to his account and read a couple of inappropriate emails from a female co-worker. Well not really inappropriate but some compliments to him that I"m not comfortable with. Yet if I confront him yet again he will react like your wife and only get angry that I"m checking on him again, something he has always says he will not stand for.

I agree, as long as she didn't respond and just deleted the email then you can worry a little less.

Mine read it but didn't respond. Hasn't responded to her other emails either. (it says on there if he replied or not).

I just found this tonight and like you it bothered me a lot. Just document it and see if it builds into something else. No use letting the cat out of the bag that you still read her emails unless you are absolutely sure something is going on.

I am like you in the sense that you don't want to have a liftime of checking on your partner, and how you do want to just know without a shadow of the doubt that no other man is a threat to you. I think it will take time but I keep telling myself I just have to trust him. It's hard but I just have to trust that he will do the right thing. My WH is like yours in the sense that he is very friendly and socialable. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with "being human" and "being a person". He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. Tomorrow I"m seeing a new m/c so I hope that he goes with me.

Good luck.

Brief Update--

I'm still waiting for her to bring her laptop home to determine if she responded to this guy's email or not....

In the meantime, I've gotten in the habit of checking our shared "Google Search History" (apparently she doesn't know it exists).

Yesterday I saw two things of interest:

1. She was looking at the website for jobs with the county government, and

2. She Googled her first OM's company name and viewed the address/phone number.....

I'm just a bit unnerved right now.

I'm pretty sure (through fairly comprehensive monitoring) she hasn't had any contact with this guy for years. Her affair with him was over 6 years ago. Now, out of the blue she's Googling his company????

Fortunately, he doesn't work there anymore -- I called to check.

Has anyone else experienced this (FWS and/or BS): the wayward spouse feeling "nostalgic" and looking into the OP's status or current whereabouts?

I didn't confront her with this last night as we were attending a function for our eldest daughter. Tonight she has school. Tomorrow night, both our daughters will be out of town at cheer / dance camp.....

My stomach is in knots.....

If the OM isn't at the company, don't panic. Take 3 deep cleansing breathes.

Why would she be looking for a job and you now be aware of it until you googled?

L.

Thanks, Orchid -- I've taken many deep cleansing breaths.

I'm not sure about the whole job thing. After D-Day of her 2nd PA, I really pressed her hard to change jobs. This had been a bone of contention for some time between us, but I've learned and accepted that I have to let it go. Her second OM worked for another contractor and they worked the same program. He is not longer on that program, so some of the reason for her leaving was lost, but I still have an issue with the work environment (as exampled in the original email quandary).

I sent her several possible jobs in the county government at the time. I referred her to the site nearly a year ago and we looked at it together.

The "looking at the employment opportunities" is really a curiosity -- not my main concern. She appears to be happy at her job, but I could be wrong.

She has always told me in the past when she wasn't happy where she worked and was interested in changing jobs -- I'm not sure why this would be different.

Googling her for OM's company is my stressor right now. I know I shouldn't let it eat me up until I've confronted her, but there is just no reason, of which I am aware, for her to be looking at this company.

Deep cleansing breaths....

...taking Orchid's advice.....

thanks

Miss Melody,

You truly amaze me. Beautiful and business savy.

It sounds like she's looking for her hit of "affair hormones" to quiet the nerves and prop up her low self-image and conscience.


k.d.'s heartbreak