The Bible from which you quote has a LOT of absolutes in it actually.

wow Jen...pretty odd statement by you...
let's see...
I KNOW my way of thinking is the ONLY right way in many things...
child abuse
racism
animal abuse
infidelity
sexual abuse
abortion
murder
etc....

don't need the big picture to KNOW there is only one right way to look at these things

Are you saying I don't read everyone's opinion Jen? Or that I don't make my own decisions and have my own opinions?

I've crossed swords with MEDC many times and I have agreed with him many times.

Are you saying I am not allowed to express agreement with someone's opinion?

Let me get this straight, there is no "right" opinion except for the opinion that there are no "right" opinions? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

My only question: is dat right? **snort** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

IMO the purpose of avoiding certain lovebusters like DJ’s and angry outbursts is not only to protect a Love Bank and building feelings of love with a loved one, but to also:

1) Build and/or keep good relations with fellow human beings (whether it’s professional or personal) like co-workers, friends, acquaintances, members of a community or board etc. and treat them with basic human decency and respect.

2) To show basic human decency and respect to fellow human beings we don’t necessarily want to build and/or maintain relations with like strangers, people we have just met etc.

Obviously some of the things on Dr Harley’s list of Love Busters (like avoiding Independent Behavior) will only apply to the spouse and other close loved ones, but IMO some of those things like avoiding DJ's and Angry Outbursts applies to decent and respectful behavior towards fellow human beings as well.

IMO it’s possible to treat people with decency and respect even though we might not always agree with their opinions, beliefs and/or actions. It’s even possible to have heated arguments & disagreements etc. without being attacking and disrespectful. Someone can covey their opinions and disagreement to another person without behaving that way. To act otherwise is abusive and speak volumes about such a person IMO.


Hmmmm, MEDC also like to call people names like “racist” even if he don’t know if it’s true and even if he don’t have (or find out) all the facts BEFORE expressing out loud on a public message board such a disrespectful & hostile assumption/opinion. MEDC for all his bravado in protecting the innocent is abusive himself. I wonder if he only have one right way to look at that as well... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Suzet - I am quite happy with Dr Harley's definition of Love Busters - I don't need anyone to extend that definition.

That's okay BigK. However, I’m free to express my opinion...and IMO decent, respectful behavior in our interactions with others is not just reserved for ones spouse and loved ones.

I would totally agree with you there Suzet.

A few questions for Melody:

How long were you married when you discovered your husband's infidelity, and when in your relationship did he start cheating on you? Did you have children with him?

Suzet is just a (f???)WS that still hasn't informed one of her victims of what she did. That keeps the door open for future escapades with her(the BW) H though. If Suzet were to notify the woman of what she did there is a good chance the woman would take Suzets play toy away(you know, the one she still works with and bumps into by "accident") and she would be left without that option should she once again become bored with her H.

WOW... I can't believe she wrote this since when it comes to decent and respectful behavior towards the victim of her affair...the one in the dark...Suzet's spouse is the only one that seemed to matter...everyone else be damned.

Oh, I don't know, Suzet, there is a huge difference between general politeness and the way I treat my spouse. A lovebuster, by definition, is something that robs the lovebank and should be avoided for that reason. I have no lovebank with my coworker. [most of us don't] I think it is not a good idea to try and fill my coworkers lovebank lest I end up in a workplace affair.

That certainly does not mean that I shouldn't treat him with respect and courtesy. But the manner in which I speak to my spouse versus my coworkers is SUPPOSED to be very different in tone and content, lest I would suggest you are doing something wrong.

But what it most certainly does not mean is that its a "lovebuster" to suggest to someone on an anonymous board to "cut their losses." That is a gross exaggeration of the intent and meaning of lovebusters. Telling someone to "cut their losses" is not a "lovebuster" by any definition, anywhere, but often just sound advice. I think some folks take the "lovebuster" philosophy a tad bit too far around here.

In my first one, I had been married 19 years and had 2 children. In the 2nd one, I had been married 4 months and had no children. He had been cheating ALL ALONG.

Thank you Melody.

One other question: are you glad you stayed in your second marriage?

Why do you ask?

I ask because earlier in this thread you said this:



My husband cheated on me while we were engaged, but I didn't know it until last year (we've been married 16 years). He cheated during our marriage too. He was unfaithful from 1989- 2002, and I didn't know it. When he confessed, I thought I should divorce him because he cheated so early in our relationship. I thought there was no way he could change.

My husband came here for help, because I thought there was no way we could recover and I wanted a divorce. So many people posted to my husband with kind words and encouragement, but one poster especially stood out to us. He was Mr. Goodstuff. With just one post on my husband's thread, he showed us that there was hope. My husband and I are so grateful to him.

I also combed through the MB site to find stories with similarities to our situation. I thought I remembered that your second husband had cheated very early in your marriage- your story gave me hope because you seemed so happy now.

When I read this thread, I was surprised by your words and thought I remembered your situation wrong. That's why I asked.

Thanks for answering Melody. Your story does give me hope for my own marriage. We've been in recovery for a year, and things are looking pretty good for us.

Thanks again.
~Saturn

SR, your experience is exactly why we recommend that people run for their lives when they discover adultery early on in the marriage or before the marriage, so that they don't have to experience adultery again. Your experience is exactly why Dr. Harley recommends cutting one's losses.

If you asked me if I would marry my H again and go through this, the answer would be NO. Adultery is as painful as the death of a child, SR. It is the worst thing that can happen to someone.

When I contacted my pastor about my new H's adultery, he did not tell me to try and work it out, he very much agreed that I had made a mistake and should cut my losses. Our Marriage Builders counselor at the church told me the same thing.

They would have been irresponsible tell someone in a brand new marriage, 4 months, no kids, with a man who has been cheating the ENTIRE TIME and who married her under FRAUDULENT PRETENSES, that she should stay in the marriage.

Sure, things ended up working out, but that does not mean that wasn't the very most sound advice. I did not try to save my marriage, SR, I had ended it and thrown him out. It was HE who stepped up to the plate and proved himself over time. Would I marry him again? NO. Am I happy it worked out? YES. But I would not do it all over again.

You did not work with your husband to recover your marriage?

Oh no, not at all initially. I was not interested in saving this marriage. I agreed to go to counseling a few times with him so I could say "I tried" before I gave him the bums rush.

Did you do any work to recover your marriage?