Inform his wife. That usually takes care of things.

Here are some other emails that I could recover that had been sent between the two:

From OM sent 6/20/07

Greetings

Hi my name is OM…I thought I should introduce myself since you have apparently forgotten about me completely??? Anyway I thought I should check in and see how you are doing and if you are considering meeting for lunch sometime I will be gone this Friday thru Tuesday for our trip to SF…also thought you might want some action in the pool amongst my fellow travelers to see how long it takes for me to get hit on once we get to SF by another guy…sorry but I put my money on the airport <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> because I am sure I will be feeling pretty frisky at that point…

Later tater

From W sent 6/25/07

I hope…scratch that…I’m sure you’re having a good time on your trip, I’m super jealous. I went to Lawrence the last weekend so I am getting out a little. I’ll be back to work in 2 weeks, can you believe it!! I can’t. We’re going to Minnesota on Thursday returning on Sunday…driving…yuck. We’re going to visit FS family. Regarding the pool…I definitely think you will have hit on someone before you leave the airport. I’m not sure about lunch…obviously not this week and I only have 1 week after that to get all the stuff done that I promised myself I would do while I was off. It should be interesting when I get back…I have no idea what I will be doing, where I will be sitting etc… TTFN, W

From OM sent 6/27/07

Wow that is a lot of driving in a short amount of time…good luck!!! I am not jealous at all…so basically it sounds like you are too busy for me!!! I understand but remember that I am very emotional but hopefully I will be over it before you get back…trip was fun and relaxing and very expensive can you loan me some cash???

Later

From OM sent 7/3/07

How was your trip??? I hope the drive was not tragic but I am sure you were glad to be done…I assume you are still not able to meet for lunch but I thought I should at least check…anyway have a fun fourth…btw crazy morning got home from my swim and there were 3 “little” kittens curled up on my front porch!!! I fed and watered them and I see if they are still there when I get home tonight…I am assuming they were dumped…people are so cruel.

Ciao

Missed these emails. These were before they had their lunch that I found out about and led to all of this. There was also a previous email that he tried to give her his phone # so he could tell her work gossip but I couldn no longer retrieve it.

From OM sent 5/23/07



Doug K. was fired on Monday…apparent argument/misunderstanding between him and Tim R…I have not called him yet but Patti talked to him the other night…pretty weird huh??? No warning or second chance??? We should do lunch again before your break is over <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />…I am on vacation next week but I am free tomorrow or Friday or the next week when I get back…how are you, DS and DD???

Notice how he didn't bother to ask how her husband was doing!

From W sent 5/23/07

OMG, people are dropping like flies. How could an argument between 2 pharmacists get someone fired?? Do you know what it was about? Can’t say that I’m sorry to see him go….sorry I know you two are friends. FS’s parents are in town this Thursday and Friday, but lunch the next next week sounds good. Is this your San Francisco trip? I’m jealous. I can’t wait until October when I can have my body back to myself….you know what I’m saying? Of course not, you’re a man! Back to the Doug thing….Tim R is the fulfillment Tim right? Did he not get into trouble for the argument? Have you talked to Patti about their conversation? Did she feel bad for him getting fired?? I can’t imagine why else she would call him….I’m definitely out of the loop on this one.

Everyone is doing well here…DD is doing awesome using the potty, no accidents for about a week now. She is wearing pull-ups at night though; I don’t know how long we’ll have to continue that….she wakes up dry about 75% of the time, enough about that. DD is DD, he’s a baby….eats, sleeps, poops, you know. How are summer sports going? My 6 week follow up appt is this week so I will be able to start exercising again….I hope I can find the motivation that I had after having DD. Anyway, better go for now.

They would take an AFFAIR very seriously because it leaves them open to legal liablility. It also makes the affair very hard to conduct at work when everyone there knows. There would be no reason to not tell them about the affair.


Yes, they might possibly communicate.

At first I thought you were going nuclear over one email which the "Back Seat" comment could have been misinterpretted. But with the rest of the emails and her purposely double deleting them, this is at a minimum inappropriate communication. Still the content on her part doesn't lead to a smoking gun just office banter, but he seems to be fishing and she is not stopping it. I would sit her down and tell her that this has to stop and that his wife should be told/shown these emails. Also a threat to go to HR if they don't go no contact.

I don't think he's fishing at all.

I think the backseat comment was "inappropriate" only because he put it in writing. It broke the rules of their relationship. It was a inappropriate because it was on a company email that could be monitored or pulled back up by the company at any time. She was cya'ing.

I noticed above he called her "a man". I think he does this because he feels more like the woman in the relationship. He's infactuated with her and is living for their "lunches" (which is code for sex meetings). He feels a bit like she is merely using him...as a man would do. He's desparately trying to engage her in more.

OM is her F-Buddy. She's a busy executive woman that travels a lot and has 2 kids and a husband at home. She feels entitled to a little fun and company on work trips as long as no one knows and no one finds out. I remember someone posting a article about these type of travelling businessman/woman romances/affairs. They are quite typical.

I think OM is blowing it by pursuing too much too brazeningly but who knows. They MAY have been much more intense last year and now she's steadingly backing off OR they meet whenever they can but WW just uses him for sex and nothing more.

I don't know how to proceed or how to get the full truth. There's too much speculation which gives the wayward too much opportunity to deny and withhold the truth. Rather than having to wait months for the whole truth...I'd likely try some basic snooping techniques (digital recorder in car) and hope to get lucky pretty quickly here.

Mr. Wondering

oops...she wrote the "you're a man" comment.

I better reread

You can retrieve deleted emails on microsoft outlook. I forget how, but some of the posters have posted how to do so before. I would start a new thread titled "how to retrieve deleted emails on outlook." Once you get those emails it is definitely time to contact OMW.

One thing you need to do during all of this is be strong and don't allow yourself to be manipulated. Don't be afraid of losing your WW. She will likely emotionally blackmail you into allowing her affair to continue. Don't go for it. There is a reason that she still is with you, and you need to take control of the situation without fear of losing her. Do what you would do if you weren't afraid.

Also, if and when you do expose to her HR, OM (if anyone) is going to be the one disciplined because he is the one with all the explicit sexual banter in his emails. Your WW would likely be untouched except for some humiliation (which is good, she needs some humility).

After reading these e-mails, I tend to agree with ML and Mr.W... I think that your W is/was involved in an EA/PA with this guy and it just trying to cut the strings with him.

The "lunch" comment caught my eye as well and it sure does sound like a code word for sex... who in their right mind would ask someone over company e-mail to meet them for sex, but "lunch"???, people do that all the time...

Like the others have said, expose this to the OM's W immediately! When you do that, I'll bet that Mr. Lunch Buddy won't be so quick to shoot e-mails to your W.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi bhge,
I did a search on one of my old threads and found the information regarding retrieving deleted emails. It was given to me by walkingthefield. I was given some caution when I was given this information: What you find in writing can haunt you for a long time. If you have anyone to work with you on this task, you may want to have someone with you that you trust to act as a buffer.

I went ahead and retrieved the e-mails. I did not get all of them as I recall reading some on d day that did not come back--my H deleted them when I walked away from the computer on d day. I thought that I could handle the content of them when I retrieved them months after d day. But I do find that the words do haunt me. The words go through my mind and it takes effort to get them out of my mind, even after 17 months from d day. It was not a physical affair, and he never told her he loved her, but still, the words of flattery and the secrecy and deception are hard to forget.

So that is my cautionary note to you. I understand why you want that one email about the back seat so that you can show it to OM's wife. But just be careful and take care.


Close Microsoft Outlook.

This registry "hack" works in all version from Outlook 98 and up.

Start the registry editor (regedit.exe).

Go to the follwing key in the registry.

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\Exchange\Client\Options

On the edit menu, click add value and the following registry value: Value name: DumpsterAlwaysOn Type: DWORD Set the data value to 1.

exit the registry editor.

This should allow you to recover deleted items that no longer reside in "deleted items"

Restart microsoft outlook.

To use the newly enable recovery feature: Go to the directory they were stored in: (inbox, etc...) Select the Tools menu. Select Recover Deleted items, a new dialog box will appear and recently deleted items for that folder will magically appear, If you want the buttons will give you the option to recover them. This will work in ALL folders.

Once again thanks for the advice.

Lake, I've tried that. I think it only works if the mail server uses Microsoft Exchange and mine does not. If someone knows differantly please let me know.

RIF, I'm not sure what to do. In your first post you and others talked about me paying OM a visit. MelodyLane said just to go to OMW. I am thinking I should do both. What is your take now?

MrWondering, I'm not sure if you're getting my story and another intertwined? My wife doesn't travel at all at her job. Not to say that it makes much of a difference.

I will admit, the more you here that she could have been having a PA before the more you start believing it. We didn't find out she was pregnant until about 2 monthis in to the pregnancy. She could have been having the A during that time and a little while after and then realized as the pregnancy went on that the PA was eventually going to have to stop at some point. She may have, at that time, decided to end it completely rather than turn it back on. I know that she has lied to me about little things that she knows I wouldn't have been mad about (having lunch with plutonic friend). So there must be something that she felt needed to be hidden.

After the kids go to bed tonight I'm going to have the talk with WW. Tomorrow I plan on trying to get a hold of OMW. I already found the phone # and I've found out her name. W & OM will already be at work at this time so I don't know if I will be able to trust her to keep OM at bay without him knowing what has happened. That is why I want to talk to him. Anyway, I'll fill everyone in on how the talk with the W goes tonight.
Thanks again to all!

bhge, DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE GOING TO CALL THE OMW!! That will give her an opportunity to PRE-EMPT you and you do not want to do that.


She should not keep your call secret from the OM, if that is what you mean. What do you plan on contacting the OM about?

Most importantly, bhge, when you speak to your wife, let her know you believe there is more to the story and ask her to leave her job.

If you're lucky

OM's Wife MAY just get luckier than you with the snooping. If possible, encourage her to snoop prior to confronting her husband.

Big reason being...

It can sometimes take MONTHS or years to get the full truth. I like the idea of trying your best to get it up front and get that hurdle over and done with. Some couples even end up divorcing without getting ANY or all of the truth that was, at the time, readily available to them.

Further...if you've read the spying 101 thread you'll see a post in there I wrote about bluffing. If OM's wife has the ability to plan a confrontation to address this issue she MAY want to utilize some of the techniques I and others discuss to get the truth straight from OM (to the extent anything happened).

Sorry for mixing your story up earlier. I just read her email as his and that screwed me up. I do think it's possible I was right anyway. It's tough to gather the truth from what may or may not be coded emails. The "inappropriate" line by your wife for what was clearly "inappropriate" he didn't really respond professionally ... when a professional apology was in order. I did want to mention that at although OM only asked your wife how DD and DS were...I think it's encouraging for paternity that he didn't just say "how's the baby doing" excluding the other child.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

NO...do not forewarn your wife.

I misread again ...dang it.

OM's wife is entitled to directly confront her husband without forewarning as you are.

Talk to OM's wife first

Tell her to wait until tomorrow night to confront her husband or else your wife and him WILL coordinate their stories and neither of you will get anything but lies.

Forewarned is forearmed. This is a battle for your marriage and your family and this potential/likely secret is the enemy. Be a good general and keep your battle plans a secret.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I hope and pray this is all a big misunderstanding. My fear is that it is not and I want you to know...do not fear being wrong. In fact...the more defensive she is and tries to make this YOUR FAULT for questioning her the more likely it is I believe it did happen. This is a SERIOUS matter and although being wrongly accussed would be difficult...she should be sympathetic to your family and marital concerns. Think of this...if your wife turned the tables and questioned YOU...would you be offended??? No..you'd answer her questions because you wouldn't want her to doubt your actions and fidelity.

Hi bhge,



Given the e-mails that you showed us, I believe that your W is involved in an EA/PA... I would expose to the OM's W first and not worry about the OM for now. Let the OM feel the wrath of his own W for sneaking around on her... You can share what you've found out with the OM's W, but I wouldn't share this or discuss this with your W before you expose...

Semper Fi,

RIF

I agree with Mel that a man does not just say this out of the blue and that there is a much bigger context to this comment e.g. that they had been involved in PA. It definitely sounds to me if she had already been in the back seat of his old car. The OM was testing the waters and “invited” your W to the back seat of the new car this time.

From your W's response I get the impression that she has stopped the PA and not interested in PA anymore. Probably that's why she did not consider his comment to be "appropriate". The OM responded:

This is further confirmation IMO that there had been a PA in the past and that a backseat backseat incidence has indeed taken place (the OM "reminded" your W of that and tested/"hint" her to see if she will engage in PA with him again).

You are being given great advice from these people... and I would like to give you some input....

1. This smells like, looks like, and sounds like a PA has happened.

2. E-mails are now required to be retained by law for most companies, they have been for some time now. When confronting your WW you should "bluff" by telling her that you're thinking about retaining an attorney to get access to ALL e-mails to your WW back to the beginning of her employment. Tell her if she comes clean you won't embarrass yourself by having them accessed "during discovery"....

Good luck.... keep yours eyes open and the entire truth could be worse than you ever imagined. I hope it is not... however, these are great people and can guide you... but you're in charge.... they can only guide... they won;t take one step for you...

Good luck sir...

Oh the drama! I don't know what to think anymore. I had, the talk with W last night and it went really well. She has agreed with everything I said, I asked her many questions about their relationship and she answered them calmly but firmly. I learned a lot about it. She said that it has never become physical and that she has never thought of him in that way. She has agreed that he has been meeting her conversational need. She has said that wasn't the first time something like the "backseat" comment has come out of his mouth towards her and that she has always told him it was innapropriate or she would just blow it off. She realizes now that it is as much her fault as it is his by not giving him the ultimatum of stopping such talk or they would no longer be friends. She said she will do whatever I ask of her, including quitting her job. I also found out that OM has told W a lot about his marrital problems. OMW has already accused him of a couple of affairs before this. As someone has already mentioned, he is a 'player'. The first time they met he was hitting on her. We are going to start looking for other jobs immediately. Unfortunately it may take up to a month before we can get her out of there. As for contacting OM, OMW, and HR I will fill you in later.

You are muddled in a pile of crap until your WW gives you the truth... My FWW slept with an old man who met her needs. She is repulsed by this when she thinks of it now. She also slept with a coworker "she never thought of that way" after we divorced....

You have no chance of recovery until you feel as if you know the truth... and I assure you, you do not... have that child tested... do you want to go to your grave wondering?? There is never anything wrong with seeking out the truth... at all costs....