Yes, I will do that. It helps so much to have someone to talk to about this. I really am grateful. I will skip the relationship talk for now and try to get back to the fun we were having when my WH made his big announcement. He wasn't able to handle my plan A because it made him feel too guilty so he had to confess. I guess I just need to keep on with the plan like you said and leave the serious talk to the OW.

Well the plan A. stuff seems to be pretty effective in making my WH a paranoid guy. I've skipped all relationship talk and have tried to reply to his e-mails (the only way he's been communicating with me recently) in a light-hearted manner filled with humor.

He then started talking about the fact that he finds it hard to believe I'm dealing with this as well as I am and wonders what my "ulterior motives" are. I replied that I am very hurt over the situation, but that fighting and being angry with him does not help anything and left it at that.

When he came over today he didn't really even make eye contact and left shortly after picking up some mail. He was pretty irritated. He sent me another e-mail later that was an attempt to pick a fight, but I just answered it in the same way, with humor. I guess Plan A is messing with his head a little. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Good job. You just need to keep up Plan A. I know it is hard. But show him you are the best choice. He won't think your changes are for real yet, so continue what you are doing.

You were so right about my WH trying to cause an argument. He didn't let up last night until he got me crying AGAIN! He got upset because he discovered I tried to access his e-mail so he then proceeded to get into our joint e-mail and read some notes sent to me by my mom. Of course they weren't very flattering in regard to my WH so he got angry at me and said I was being "fake" because of what my mom said. He also said that he could never come back because he wouldn't want to be around my parents and that I only want him home so that I could stay home with my children and not work.

I told him that I couldn't be held responsible for what people in my family said about him, but that my actions have shown that I am not being fake when I told him I loved him and that was the reason I wanted him to come home. He was looking for an excuse to be angry with me and I took it away from him. He later apologized, but it was still quite a difficult discussion.

Implementing plan A can really exhausting work. I feel totally drained today.

You're doing a good job of Plan A Saralynn!

Give yourself some much needed pampering. Keep contact with WH minimal and casual. When he comes over to see DS be relaxed and cheerful. Be dresses up a tad so it looks like you're going somewhere. After brief chit-chat say: "You guys have fun together today" and head for door. If he asks you to spend time with him you can either say (cheerfully - no sarcasm) "thanx but I have plans" or you can spend time with him and DS (as long as he doesn't bring up relationship issues - this time is for visitation with his son). Also you could sometimes already be gone somewhere when he comes over to see his son; just have a babysitter, friend or relative there when he picks up and/or drops off son for visitation. (Sometimes this was very effective with my WH - too effective LOL... my WH started demanding I spend time with him and kids LOL) Males like to pursue. A wife sitting and waiting at home just isn't that exciting.

BTW, have you exposed your WH's PA to you ob-gyn and pediatrician?

Yes, I've tried two times now to get my WH to take our DS somewhere alone and those were the only times he's done it. He tends to want me around to be the back up parent when he doesn't feel like being the sole care taker. He's been sick recently (as have I and our DS), so he uses it as an excuse to stay away....I wonder what would happen if I called in sick as a mom and said I couldn't take care of our DS because I "felt bad"? It's pretty annoying.

Anyway, I've just discovered that my WH is using his myspace account to contact other women. They don't look like they're "nice" girls either. So I don't think he wants to be committed to anyone right now (including the OW, even though she is convenient for sex and conversation). He's really weighing his options and seeing what it's like to be a single guy (even though he isn't yet!!!). I think he wants to see how many women will find him attractive while he's living away from me. I noticed on his cell phone log that he actually contacted one of his "childhood friends" who is a model now in California. He has emailed her through his myspace account, but now is calling her off and on. It really blows my mind how much he's changed from my old H.

I'm not sure that he will ever come back at this point. But I'm still going to plan A my butt off until January. That way he will know what a great wife he had and it will bother him when he sees how his other relationships pale in comparison to ours.

Also, my OBGYN knows about the A., but the PA didn't start until after he had moved out. I will tell my Pediatrician about his infidelity when my DD is born since I haven't had occasion to see him yet.

"I'm still going to plan A my butt off until January. That way he will know what a great wife he had and it will bother him when he sees how his other relationships pale in comparison to ours."

Great idea.

He sounds like he's having an early midlife crisis (or a quarter-life crisis?)

Find a way to expose to others (especially OW) about his MySpace, contacting girl from his past, etc. Do whatever you can to let each of the OW know they aren't the only OW. Try to do so in a way that protects your info sources, maybe even anonymously.

I know it must seem impossible at times but make sure you pamper yourself and enjoy your son and new baby girl. My heart goes out to you. I found out my XH was committing adultery when I was just a couple of months pregnant with our youngest daughter. We were separated a few times during the pregnancy. He didn't agree to send the OW the no contact letter until shortly after our daughter was born.

http://www3.telus.net/camilleallen/camilleallen/id9.htm

Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult. Whoever rebukes a wicked person incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or they will hate you. Rebuke a wise person and they will love you. Proverbs 9:7-8

Just a reminder not to be baited into argument with WH.
Don't try to explain or teach WH anything about MB principles until he's out of the fog. Avoid relationship talk with him - just Plan A for now.
Plus just ignore any hurtful fog-babble he spews.

BTW, what would his family think if they knew about him using his myspace and cellphone to try to contact more OW?

How a man can do that to the woman carrying his child is beyond me. My WH said that he was worried that when our DD was born he would "have a nervous breakdown" because of what he's done. Yesterday he stated that the apartment he was approved for wasn't exactly ideal and he was looking for a different one. The ironic part is that his sister gave away his bed because he was set to move soon. He's been sleeping on her couch for a week now.

I've repeatedly offered to let him come home and sleep in our spare bed, but he told me yesterday that I "just don't understand". I asked him to explain his reasons to me so that I could and he said "I can't even look at you" because of his guilt. He said he could not imagine going back with me because of how bad he feels over what he's done. I reassured him that yes it would be difficult at first, but I thought we had a good chance of getting through it.

He hugged me again and left. Later he called to say goodnight, but the OW called him after that and they spoke for almost an hour and a half. So on it goes. Like I said before, my WH is like my old H. when he is away from her, but during the week when he sees her, he becomes the WH again.

As for his myspace stuff, I realized that the two girls he's contacted are in fact family friends from when he was small. While he's talked to one on the phone, they've only had one conversation and there's been no more phone contact. So I may have been jumping the gun there, but again who knows.

Anyway, I hope that you find a good man who will love and take care of you like you deserve. It seems very difficult to be a single parent.

"but the OW called him after that and they spoke for almost an hour and a half."

This could be good news. If they were talking on the phone they weren't together in person. I'm betting they weren't talking for an hour and a half about casual, fun stuff LOL. Usually males prefer to be in a relationship over TALKING about their relationship. Also, SHE called HIM - that's a good sign too. She's probably putting pressure on him.

My WXH once became enraged when the OW kept calling him while he was with us during a day we all spent together as a family: canoeing, let kids practice driving, Chinese buffet, hung out at his apartment for several hours, then to movie rental store and back to my house to watch two movies... WH hung up on her a few times and then just turned off his cellphone for the rest of the day. His cellphone record showed he called his answering service when he left my house (late at night) and listened to over ten minutes of messages. I doubt those messages from her were romance talk - LOL

Yes, the OW has been visiting her mother this weekend. So she hasn't been around. Hence the reason why my old H. resurfaced for a time. She thinks she's giving him space to figure stuff out, but yet calls him frequently. My WH actually called her first yesterday right after he left our house and they spoke for 20 minutes. She called him later last night.

I wish I could bug his phone to see what he's telling her! Then I would know if I should be hopeful or not. It seems that whenever we have good conversations or moments, the OW gets back into the mix and turns the fog machine on. I can't believe that a person would be so selfish and cruel to break up a family. I also can't believe how my H. could do the same.

I think that since the EA became a PA, my WH is feeling very bad for the OW. If he dumped her and came home, he would have to admit to her that he basically finds what they did distasteful. She doesn't understand that and thinks he feels guilty about being away from his son, not that it's because he views their sexual encounters as disgusting. He's obviously still very emotionally attached to her though. I think their long conversations show that he has a bond with her, but that he doesn't know how or isn't willing yet to break it.

I keep praying. I see God working, but it's hard to be patient.

Update and some questions.

First, looks like my WH has got another "OW" now. His childhood crush is the model from California and he has now spoken with her again on the phone. Looks like we have a real soap opera going on here. His phone conversations with OW#1 have tapered off quite a bit and so it seems that he is withdrawing from her as well as me.

The only consolation I have is that OW#2 will probably not want to get serious with my WH like OW#1 since she is a little out of his league physically. But anything is possible I'm sure.

My questions are:

Do I contact OW#2 or not? I would sort of like her to be the cause of the break up with my WH and OW#1 since I don't think anything will come of this "new" relationship. If I contact, I will have to risk her telling my WH that I did and that will blow my cover regarding the cell phone log.

Second, do I let my WH come home even if the A. with OW#1 is going on and the potential OW#2 could be just starting? Is it up to him to come home or do I make the request that he not come if he is going to continue the A.(s)?

Third, I've had trouble not engaging in R. talk. I've been pretty good about it, but I occasionally let comments slip like "it would be nice to have you home" or "am I making you uncomfortable by acting "normal" in this situation"? Do those questions seem desperate or needy?

Thanks for the feedback and I look forward to your replies.

So...Still looking for some pointers on the above. But I also have a follow-up question(s).

First, I've been doing a pretty good plan A. Complimenting his looks when he shaved, saying how impressed I was about his job skills etc. And last night, I was a little more forward than usual and asked him if he wondered what it would be like to kiss me since it's been over two months since our last one. He just gave me a sideways glance and a little weird smile. I asked him if he thought of me like a sister now and he said "I guess" and then immediately changed the subject to his sister and left shortly there after. He is supposed to spend the night tonight, though he jokingly (?) said he didn't know if he would after my comment. I said that I wouldn't force myself on him and he didn't have to worry.

When he was walking out the door he said that I shouldn't feel bad (about being turned down) because he was a "dork".

He called OW #2 about 20 minutes after he left (didn't speak to her though) and I'm not sure if he went home or went to OW #1's apartment before or after that. I sent him a text message saying "Good night", no response.

I'm having some doubts that he will ever come around. If he already thinks of me in a "sisterly" fashion, it will be hard to use my flirting to attract him back. It may repulse him further and cause him to stay away. It may also be my pregnancy as well that he finds "unattractive" though he commented that I look very good for as far along as I am ( I was 20lbs heavier with my DS).

He seemed very distracted last night like he wanted to be anywhere but with us (he has come over late the last two nights and then left after only about 45mins to go to OW#1's apartment because her daughter is sleeping by 9 pm). I asked him if anything was bothering him and he said he was "in a bad mood".

But all in all, it's pretty discouraging. I'm not sure if he will stay tonight and I don't know if I should continue to be so forward. I just don't want him to become complacent with me and think of me as only a friend. Anyway..please advise about the above and this new development.

I was listening to Dr. Harley's radio broadcast yesterday and he said plan A is about getting your spouse to consider a relationship with you even though they do not want it at the moment. I want to do this, but I don't want to be pushy or seem desperate. I also don't want to be merely "friendly" either. It's a fine line to walk and I'm not sure I am doing it correctly or not. All I know is that I feel rejected at every turn and it's not a good feeling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

"Do I contact OW#2 or not? I would sort of like her to be the cause of the break up with my WH and OW#1 since I don't think anything will come of this "new" relationship. If I contact, I will have to risk her telling my WH that I did and that will blow my cover regarding the cell phone log."

OK, let's think of some ways to expose OW #2 without tipping your WH off about you monitoring his cellphone... You could pretend to be an anonymous tipster or you could pretend an anonymous tipster contacted YOU (then confront and expose what was supposedly told to you). You could call OW#1, pretending to be OW#2, to tell her to back off you knew WH first... Does WH know you have OW#1's phone #? Have you ever contacted OW#1?

Second, do I let my WH come home even if the A. with OW#1 is going on and the potential OW#2 could be just starting? "Is it up to him to come home or do I make the request that he not come if he is going to continue the A.(s)?"

IMHO letting the WH come home if you are still in Plan A might be OK. We'll see what other posters here advise. If he wants to come home and you let him the OW certainly won't like that. On the other hand there are some definite advantages to having him around only in smaller doses when you are doing Plan A. Remember that part of the attraction of adultery is that with 'dating' behavior the adulterers only see each other at their best and don't have to deal with real-life tasks together. Right now he has to do his own laundry, cook, clean the bathroom, etc. If he moves in with the OW she would have to pick up after him and he would see she has flaws. So use the time he's away to your advantage to pamper yourself and to protect yourself from his alien condition.

Whatever you do, do NOT bring up the topic of him moving back home.

"Third, I've had trouble not engaging in R. talk. I've been pretty good about it, but I occasionally let comments slip like "it would be nice to have you home" or "am I making you uncomfortable by acting "normal" in this situation"? Do those questions seem desperate or needy?"

I found it helpful to review my list of do's and don't's frequently. You know: do try to meet WH's emotional needs, don't bring up relationship... I read it over every morning and evening, when I was feeling hopeless (to remind myself I did have a plan), and especially before I knew I'd be seeing him or talking to him. I also ead it over after contact with him to evaluate how well I did and remind myself to do better next time. It was important for me to keep re-reading the explanations of WHY it's advised to do things a certain way. So just keep reading about how to do Plan A. Also frequently read over the Plan B strategies so you will be more prepared to do a confident and consistent Plan B when the time comes.

Thanks MM for your input.

I can't call OW#2 without exposing my cell phone log source. Since she is on my WH's "friend" list on myspace, I could e-mail her. I'm not sure if that would accomplish anything though since my WH's profile does state he is "married". He could have told her any manner of things about our relationship and when I e-mail, she will just tell him what I said. I think the crush that he has/had on her is completely one-sided. He calls her, but she seems to let a few days go by before she returns his calls. My WH also admitted to me that he talked with her, but she has a boyfriend.

Second, I have talked to OW#1 once, she was a real two face. She was all nice at first and agreed to give my WH and I a month to work out our problems, but called and saw him frequently anyway. When I told my WH what OW#1 agreed to do (i.e. leave him alone), he was surprised at her lies and stated that her behavior wasn't "very nice". I'm not sure a warning is necessary anyway. My WH told her he doesn't want to be anyone's boyfriend and their calls and TM have definitely tapered off. (I hope that's not because my WH figured out I can check the cell phone logs though!!!)

But I will lay off the "come home" stuff and stop with the R. talk. I just don't want him to think I've changed my mind and I'm so curious to know what he's thinking. He doesn't volunteer much, so I try a little prodding. It's probably the hardest habit I will have to break in this whole thing.

I've been reading Bugsmom's plan A thread and trying to get pointers, I just think that my "flirting" skills are rough and hindered by the fact that I'm so very pregnant-looking. It's hard to put on a sexy outfit when your belly sticks out a mile <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Anyway, WH is FINALLY going to spend the night tonight (the first time in over 3 weeks). I am hoping to keep it light and fun so that he feels comfortable, but he's been pretty distant over the last few weeks.

Please pray that all goes well.

Thanks again for your help. I really do appreciate it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

saralynn - Good luck tonight. There is nothing sexier than a ripe, pregnant womanly woman. So don't feel that you don't have lots of appeal.