Congratulations on your new little one. How does DS like her?

Affairs always end, and this one will too. You just need to hold on until it happens. Too bad they can't spend more time together.

My DS LOVES his sister. He always wants to touch her and says how "soft" she is. It's so sweet!

My WH does hold her often (sometimes for almost 20 minutes :P) and has even changed a whopping TWO diapers since she came home!!! This is probably two more than he would have changed had he stayed home LOL.

I know that his affair will end. It's not a real relationship at all. I know they will fight eventually, it's just going to take a long time since they are apart so much and spend only a few "quality" hours together here and there. I don't know if I can keep up my fight for a year or two, it seems too hard.

I wonder if he's worth all this effort at times. Unless he were truly sorry and became a new man, it is impossible to reconcile.

I just hope it happens soon.

I know what you mean...I have court scheduled for tomorrow and deep down inside I wish it were not happening, but yet again, my WH is on with OW and will not end it at all. I wish I could close my eyes and all this were nothing but ugly nightmares. He says the same thing, but yet again, does nothing to end these problem. It is true, the A will eventually die down, but I feel that I won't be waiting all along for this to end...He has a 10month old, that should be putting some kind of remorse in his mind, but apparently the SF from the OW is convincing him more! We will see what future brings for all of us....Congratulations on your Newborn, I wish you all well. Take care=)

Congratulations on your precious new daughter!

I've been working a lot of hours and therefore not here often.

I was wondering what you said in your Plan B letter?

Also, I think it would be much better if you enforced the no contact with your WH. You could make arrangements for WH to have visitation with his children without him getting ot have access to you. I see no reason for him to take you seriously and make a decision to drop OW as long as you allow him to come over to see you.

This is such a sad story. This is why a married man/woman shouldn't be close friend with person of the opposite gender.

It seems to me that this OW had a crush on your husband and used "seeking his advice" as a way to get him.

Thanks MM,

My PB Letter is as follows:

This letter is probably a little overdue, but I just want you to know some things.

First, I love you very much DH. Not as a friend, or even as a brother, but as a husband. I am glad that we got married and do not regret any part of our relationship together except for the times where I failed to be the wife you needed. I have never wanted to be with anyone else and I still do not want to be. It is difficult to even envision myself without you in my life or to think of another man taking your place as my husband.

But it seems that you do not feel the same way about me. And that hurts me far more than you will ever know. The fact that you have replaced me with another woman, is the most heart breaking and horrible experience of my life.

You are my first love and the father of my children, I love you more deeply than I ever thought possible and it took this experience to show me how much.

I know that you may not feel that there is any hope for us and that you do not or can not feel the kind of love for me that I feel for you. That is why you are doing this.

But I want you to know that I have hope, even if it’s only a tiny hope, that you are wrong and that we can be together. What you have done is not unforgivable and there is always an open door for you if you want to discuss our marriage. Please do not think at anytime that my not having contact with you means I have stopped loving you or no longer wish to reconcile. It is simply the only way I know how to keep from being hurt over and over with each contact I have with you.

I know that I may have done things in our marriage that affected your love for me and I am so sorry for that. It was not my intention to make you feel that you could not share your feelings with me and I regret any part I may have had in making communication difficult. I am willing to work on changing my bad habits so that we can have the kind of marriage that will make us both happy. It is my deepest and most heartfelt desire that you would want to do the same.

You said at one point that in an ideal world you would want to stay married to me. We both know that the ideal is not always possible, but I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to try to make that happen.

I think it’s important that a father and mother do everything they can to make their marriage work. Their children deserve to grow up in an intact family where there is love, support and safety. I believe this can only be achieved in a household where the father and mother live together, love each other and make strong commitment to create that environment even if it costs them something in the process. I know that I am willing to do this.

I know that you think my faith is also a hindrance for you to feel love for me, but I want you to know that any negative experiences you had with me in that regard were because of me, not because I was following the model that God set forth for a wife to be. I know I fell short in several areas and that I wasn’t always the wife that God would have me to be, but I’ve been praying that He would make me into that woman. I think that you would have been happier with me if I had been the loving and helpful wife that God is pleased with.

I hope that you will give me a chance to show you the kind of wife and mother I can be.

Even if you choose to file for divorce, please know that at anytime during the process you can stop it and we can discuss making a new relationship together that will be better than the one we had before. I firmly believe that we can build a marriage that is ideal for us and our two children.

I love you DH, please consider what I’ve written and know that I am praying every day for you and our family.

Love always,

Sara


After reading this letter, my WH asked me why I didn't send it when he first left. I replied that I verbalized the letter to him every time I saw him, but he wasn't ready to hear it.

I talked to one of his coworkers yesterday (the one who started the rumor back in June that my WH was going to divorce me for the OW). She denied starting the rumor but said that she experienced something similar with her ex-husband, but did not have a small child and newborn like I do.

My WH said that this was the worst person I could have told in the office (even though when I told him the night before I was going to call, he told me to "go ahead", I guess he thought I was bluffing?). She was one of the coworkers who back in July complained to HR about their relationship.

The OW panicked and I noticed on the cell phone records that she tried to access the department voice mail to erase any messages I left (she did this the first time after I left a message to another coworker back in July). I guess she didn't count on me calling their coworker in person either.

So last night my WH called me and said he was looking for a new job, but still wanted the divorce because he felt that he could never get over the OW and that we would never be the same. I replied that I did not want the divorce again, but he made no comment.

He and the OW talked on the phone for an hour and a half last night. It seems that she has caused another office problem since she slept with her married boss 7 years ago. I assume that those coworkers found out about her too and that's why she left for another job shortly there after. Maybe she will do the same here.

As for a dark plan B, I really don't see that working on my WH. He says he misses me at times, but I think it helps him to bond with the OW more if I cut off all contact. I wonder if another Plan A isn't in order to show him that we can have good times together again, but I don't know if I can do it.

His only incentive right now to come home is our children. If I'm not around, he won't see his daughter as much like I said. So I sort of feel stuck at the moment.

BA1-

Yes, this OW has a history of jumping from man to man. When her XBF moved to N. Carolina to get started on their "new" life, she really began to attach herself to my WH. She cried on his shoulder and they fell for each other...now he feels that so much has happened that he cannot come home.

Sara,

Plan B is for you not to manipulate your WH into coming home. It's too detach, remove yourself from the cross fire of emotions and hurt at knowing the person you love is sleeping with and "loving" someone else (more like addicted to someone else). Your WH is getting it all right now. He has OW fawning over him, at his becon call for partying, sex, etc and you and your children sitting at home patiently waiting for the next time he will grace you with his presence.

REMOVE this option for him. Let OW MEET ALL HIS NEEDS, not some of them. I predict she fails miserably or he fails miserably and she starts looking for man # 25 to fill a hole inside her that no man can fill. Make WH work through an intermediary and not be able to see or talk to you, get a visitation plan in order for the children and if he throws a fit and threatens you then get an attorney and ask for an emergency hearing to show him you aren't messing around, not out of vengance but to protect you and your children financially and emotionally from WH and OW (you should also ask in the EO that OW not be allowed around your children....if he violates this then take him to court for contempt and if he doesn't then she will be LB'ing him because he is with the kids and not her and she isn't getting the attention she deserves, yada, yada and maybe she will find another man more available to her selfish needs and immoral desires).

You need to do this for you and your children and if WH gets his head out of his rectum as a lot of them do (remember plan A only works about 15% of the time) then you can consider whether you want him back or not. I promise you that you will be thinking a lot more clearly and be able to make a more informed, boundary laden decision from reason and not emotion.

Sara,

Someone on another thread said it better than I did about plan B..

The OW is meeting all of his needs already.

From what I gather his needs are SF, Recreation, and Conversation. He provides his own domestic support now that he lives alone.

I do not call him or talk to him unless he initiates contact and it's important.

I cannot be far from my daughter right now so there is no one that can be an intermediary for me.

I also cannot get a court order barring contact between the OW and my DS, my attorney told me that there is nothing I can do to stop that. I did ask my WH not to take him around her and he agreed that he does not want to have him around her, though he has a few times in the past.

I was just curious though about the statistics regarding plan A and B...do you know what the success rate is for plan B? I've not seen that anywhere and was curious to know if it was higher than 15%.

Congrats on your new baby! Babies are such a blessing. I know how you feel about this situation. I was also pregnant when my H started his affair and he was living with xOW when our youngest daughter was born. The wh!re got pregnant very soon after my daughters birth to put the icing on the cake. It is a joyious, but also miserable time. I really feel for you. That period of my life almost ripped my heart out.

I will pray for you and your family. Even though it is hard..don't ever let selfish people diminish the awesome joy and miracle that is your child. Both of them. A pity that her father can't put asside his selfishness. He will miss so much. After all is said and done my H regrets missing those years of our childrens lives very much. He doesn't even remember our youngest as an infant. It's so sad what they give up for absolutely nothing. Almost defies comprehension.

I am just glad that your two children will have love and stability in you. It is a rare gift in these times.

How much more cruel can a man be than leaving his pregnant wife with a young child to be with another woman? It seems that sex has alot to do with it. It also seems that he has been "on the otherside" and he no longer wants to return back to you anymore.

I really hope that you can move on and find a real man who can respect you as a devoted Christian wife. I also hope that she cheats on him someday and they broke up and he wants to return back to you, but you already in love with someone else and he lives miserably ever after. That's just my "wish" talking. This is such a sad story that happneed so fast from giving some female co-worker advice to leaving wife and home to be with her.

Raise your kids to be never ever to become someone like this WM or their father.

Enough about my wishful thinking, here are my questions: Whom is the other woman living with now? How old is she and how many kids does she have? Does her boyfriend know? How come she hasn't moved in with him yet? Does your husband's parents know what happend? Did they do anything? Anything happening to this other woman at her job since you reported her? How are you doing financially, if not good, are you seeking spousal and child support?

Sara, if your WH was really getting all his needs met by the OW he wouldn't be coming around to see you anymore. He has made it clear he expects to see YOU too, not just the children. I understand it may be difficult to arrange visitation between your WH and your newborn daughter - BUT it is NOT impossible. And anyway he was already objecting to visitations arrangements before your daughter's birth. His desire not to have to see your mother and therefore his objection to you having his visitation take place at your parents' home was just an example of how entitled he feels to your presence in his life.

I'm not saying he appreciates or even realizes his need for you - just that there is definite evidence of it's existence.

BTW, he will not shift from expectation/entitlement to appreciation without having to go without you for a while.

I would not have sent him a Plan B letter if you didn't really plan on starting Plan B yet.

IMHO you have just let him know that he can continue his cake-eating, that he does not have to choose between you and the OW anytime soon... that you are planning on makign yourself available to him indefinitely.

As far as the success rates of Plan A vs. Plan B:
Plan A by itself rarely breaks up adultery. Plan A has a purpose that pays off in Plan B. BUT if Plan B isn't really ever gone to, and stayed in, then all the efforts of Plan A are wasted and the cake-eating is just enabled and becomes even more entrenched.

IMHO I think the reason your WH said he wished you had given him the Plan B letter sooner is because it says what he wants to hear: that you will wait for him forever, that you will never leave him to start a new life with another man, and that he doesn't have to stop cake-eating anytime soon. You've left out THE most important aspect of Plan B: removing yourself from his life.

If you honestly believe that the OW is capable and willign to meet ALL your WH's needs, that you have nothing to offer him, then why not just remove yourself from his life right now? There's no logical reason to continue a Plan A if you believe he's made his final decision and that he doesn't need anything you have to offer.

Again, I know there may be practical problems with setting up a way for him to have visitation with your children without him having access to you too. But this is not impossible. You DO realize that he is hoping/planning on the current arrangement becoming permanent? Can you REALLY picture yourself two, three, ten years from now still waiting around for him to call or drop by... while he cavorts with OW... and he never has to worry about losing you to a newer and better husband because he'll complain if you set up visitation arrangements that will prevent him from seeing you?

He IS getting certain needs met by you that the OW can't/wont meet. And that's OK while you are in Plan A... But you can't stay in Plan A forever and once you really do go to Plan B you have to STOP all contact with him and STOP meeting any of his needs. Too bad if it's more convenient to allow him to see you too and not just the kids... too bad if he doesn't like to go see his kids at his MIL's home! Plan B is not about him anymore. In fact, his wanting to see you too, not just the children, and his wanting to see his children at your home, not at his MIL's house, SHOULD/COULD be a BIG advantage of your Plan B!!!! IF you would employ it! I predict that when you do go to a real Plan B and stick to it, it will be effective.

OMG sara I just saw your pics on the site....you and your little ones are gorgeous....I would love to smack your WH for you....he is an idiot....he has such a beautiful family.

GC,

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this too, but I'm also glad you are in recovery. I helps to know that restoration is possible after all this. I really appreciate the prayers.

BA1,

The OW has a DD who is 17 months old. Her XBF knows everything because I contacted him back in August. He has been quite helpful in exposing to her family and friends and has been harassing both my WH ad the OW over what they've done. Nothing has happened to her yet at work, though I imagine she is experiencing some problems now. She is 3 years younger than us.

My WH refuses to live with her using the lamest excuse that he's "still married"...actually I think it's because he doesn't want to totally commit at this time or be around her DD (he doesn't care for other people's children). She lives alone for now.

He may be interested in playing the field if it doesn't work out with her because he has been in contact with an attractive childhood friend almost every few days during this whole thing. The OW knows this, but my WH insists she is just a friend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

My MIL knows and supports me. She visited me in the hospital and we've talked on the phone since then. She is great and plans on talking with my WH soon. My FIL is messed up and is now in jail, so my WH seems to be following his example by his irresponsible actions. No one in my WH's family has met the OW and he doesn't talk about her.

I am doing ok financially because he still pays the bills and gives me grocery money...though if my WH quits, we will all be in trouble. I hope he was just bluffing because I don't work and he has the insurance for everyone in the family.

How come a nice Christian lady like you would want to stay married to him? So, it's not just a one time thing, he could get another woman a year from now if he return, if not, 3 years from now.

Is he a Christian? Does he attend church like you do? Do you plan or can you picture yourself a year or two from now, seeing someone else if he doesn't completely turn around? (which seems like he won't if he seems to have a back up plan (attractive childhood friend) even when he is involved with another woman.

SIHW,

I thought the EXACT same thing about you and your DS! Men are so stupid sometimes it's amazing. I guess their nasty OW fulfills a fantasy that they think their wives cannot no matter how attractive they are. My WH's OW isn't the prettiest girl I've ever seen, but she is so sexually provocative to him that he thinks she's the ultimate woman. I don't get it.

The potential OW#2 is actually very attractive, but I think she is out of my WH's league so nothing will materialize there...still it hurts to know that he is out there acting like a dog and trashing on all of us without remorse.

MM,

I really do thank you for your input. I nurse my DD so I need to be around her right now. Even the pediatrician said not to introduce a bottle until she was at least a few months old if I planned on breast feeding (which I do!!!), so I really am stuck.

Yes, if I was going to go by the book, I should have reserved my PBL until I actually initiated Plan B. But I knew that the birth of my DD was coming up fast and I didn't want my WH to not see her too. I also wanted him to know why I wasn't seeing him and that I still loved him.

If he doesn't come around by mid December, I will resubmit my PB letter to him. Since I will work during all of his visitations, I won't even be around for him to see. That will make this a heck of a lot easier.

I really don't think I'm meeting any of his needs, my presence is more for HIS convenience than anything. He doesn't engage me in conversation very much and acts "guilty" the whole time he is here. It's annoying and difficult, but it won't last forever.

BA1,

Yes, this situation is horrible for me. I am in a real dilemma. I still love him (14 years is a long time to be with someone and just give up on him) and we were high school sweethearts.

But I realize that he may actually be too far gone to come home. That is what kills me. I don't even want to think about getting remarried, but he has been so awful and seems to have lost all feeling for me, that it would be hard to take him back as he is knowing that he may cheat on me again. I'm just scared to let him go because we've been together so long and I care for him so much. It seems like I will never love another man like I love him.

We were both baptized together 6 years ago, but he says he never did believe. We've had conversations about what he thinks now and he won't deny Jesus, but won't say he believes in Him either. Basically he doesn't even want to think about God.

So I am hoping that God will do a miracle and he will come to believe. It would be amazing to see the contrast in the guy he has been and what God would turn him into. But I don't know if that will ever happen and I am sad over that.

I know there will come a point when I will have to let him go, but I'm not there yet. It's too painful to even think about right now.

Haha...thankies....my stitch has been over for quite awhile now tho.....My D was final in july of last year and by november my XH married his Hag...Ooops...I mean OW....I know i am positively evil sometimes. But I have since moved on...per my sig...I realized the faults with my marriage and made a better plan...most of all I am not just settleing anymore like I did when i was young...I hold higher standers now....I threw out my fishing line when was ready...got a couple of frogs...but now I got that big bass I was fishin for....it's still a titch new....but hopefully all will work out and I can mount him on my wall <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> J/k my bear is a sweety and a good guy. I like him he's definatly a keeper. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow I can't believe your in Oregon...I have family up there...are you on myspace?

I'm glad that you've found yourself a good man now. Hopefully your XWH and his new "wife" GAG, will experience a miserable relationship together and break up soon.

Do I sound a little bitter?

I am on myspace...send me an e-mail and I will send you a link.