WW probably with OM now -- she did not come home from work.

She will be home later as OM is M.

Outside of trying to expose to OMW by Wed, any suggestions on how to proceed with dealing with WW.

I cut cell phone option today. I plan to cut WW off financially. She will be responsible for her own affairs (no pun intended) while we stay together.

WW says I cannot legally put her out which is true.

I do have doubts about continuing M with WW unless she definitely comes around. I do not intent to execute any LBs on her, but I do plan to express my displeasure with her contact with OM.

Although I desire to separate from WW for now, I do not want to file for separation because I am not seeking a D at this time.

Can anybody make any sense of what I am saying?

What is the best way to proceed?

Put GPS on her car. Legally you cannot keep kick her out, but you can cut her off. I forget, have you told your WW's parents and friends? Even if you have, it is time for a second round of exposure. You also need to clamp down on your WW's freedom and cut off access to OM. That is where exposing to OMW and the GPS come in. She thinks she can contact OM without consequence. That is where you need to step in with consequences like exposure and cutting her off. Also, cut off her phone. Who have you exposed to? You need to target exposure to whom she really wouldn't want to know. She thinks you are weak and you need to step up and show that you demand respect.

Bluenote, at this point I would advocate NUCLEAR exposure. You need to hit her where it hurts - her reputation. I would expose her to every family member and friend she's ever had (including coworkers) in an effort to expose her to the consequences of her continued adultery. Take the gloves off and show her who's boss. Don't get angry and yell, just be calm and firm and ignore her if she wants to pick a fight. If she wants to get verbally abusive, call a family member of friend of hers to pick her up and have her stay with them. If my wife wanted to get pissy with me, I just called up her sister and asked her to take care of her. She knew what her sister thought of what she was doing and she didn't want to face her, so she dropped it.

When you expose, you need to tell the people you expose to that you are only doing it because you love her and can't get her to stop by yourself, so you are hoping outside pressure will get her to stop. Don't come across to others as angry or out for revenge.

Sounds good jmwc!

I am on it!

Update:

I am awaiting info from PI to contact OMW.

Meanwhile, I feel like I have 'detached' from WW under the same roof. She does what she wants and I do not badger her at all. She returned her computer for a new one that will provide her unintrusive access by me. Therefore, she could use this to contact OM.

Since she does not adhere to boundaries well at this time, I plan to see a lawyer to get my sitch outlined in case it progressed toward the plan D.

I think I still love my WW - I certainly feel sorry for her in this situation because she is following her misguided emotions that will bring more grief later.

OM is playing up to her real hard saying " he'll do anything to have her".

I will be speaking with his school superintendent this afternoon on his behavior (contacting WW) which he has done during school hours. OMW exposure is my ultimate aim still.

I am trying to be cordial (NO LBs) but still put my foot down in making it hard for WW and OM to have fun in their fantasy world.

Last night, I slept in a separate room and did not say anything to WW (unless she wants to talk) -- if not, then we do not say much.

I truly need to focus on the kids at this time! I feel like I have plan A'd her at the expense of ignoring the kids at times.

I feel WW wants to stay in the M for practical (financial) reasons but her heart IS with the OM.

Anyway, I've set up a S Harley mtg for tomorrow to get my last bearings straight.

I am tired and I think I may be done with the M -- soul searching is in order. I do know that WW has chosen NOT to help me be safe at this time. W has not shown any signs of NC with OM at all. My detaching myself helps me to cope with what is going on. I will not stay in a M with a W who does not love me!

Remember, NUCLEAR EXPOSURE is the key weapon against your WW's affair. I want you to fire ALL your bullets before you give up. If you do want to sleep in the same room with her, SHE has to sleep in the guest bed, not you. Find a way to hack into her computer and get access even if you have to call up someone from the Geek Squad or something. Before you D her, try a legal separation and plan B.

JMWC -- I will expose my butt off and wait for my PI info to come in on OMW so I can expose to her. If PI does not find info, I will get a friend to help me follow OM home from work until I find his address and expose on following day while OM at work!

I plan to find me a lawyer to become enlightened to my rights in California (UGH!).

Its funny -- I sit hear and replay our 13 yr M in my mind and it feels like my W never really loved me -- she loved what she gets from me financially! Our anniversaries turned into 'her' anniversaries (or more a 2nd b-day).

I have detached from her at the moment to protect my feelings and keep what little love and respect I have for her.

I cannot even stand to be in the same room with her at this time. She did not even cook diinner for our DD10 and DD5 whike I was at a school open house function with our DS11.
Mind you, WW was home all day (work day off).

When I warrive home approx 8:05pm and asked DDs did they eat dinner, they said NO! I ask ed them what was WW doing -- she was setting up her new computer!!! By the way, she has already changed her e-mail account info once again!

She also has a boot password preventing me from gaining access to her hard drive!

This is really like a cat and mouse game! I will come back to MB with an exposure report tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I will speak with S Harley alone today to gainmy last moments of sanity before I decide to end this M!

Bluenote,

Is it a work computer or is it her personal computer? If it's a personal computer, you don't have access to it, and your household finances paid for it, take it away. If it's a work computer, expose to her employer and let them know she is using her work computer to carry on her affair.

I had IC with S Harley 2 days ago.

Started 2nd round of exposing WW to best friend and sister today.

During 1st round of exposure to best friend, best friend told me (today) WW said I wouldn't be going anywhere (leave her). WW also said that she could get whatever she wanted out of me! (Sounds like no love and respect).

I also checked my options with a lawyer today! I also discovered I have my name solely on the house title, (so this would hopefully play in my favor when trying to put WW out of house.

Tonight, WW came in the house from walking the dogs with the children (I was cleaning kitchen) jumped in the car and left without saying a word to anyone! She's been gone 2 hrs now.

Her day is coming. I am still awaiting info to expose to OMW -- should receive info this weekend. This is the last stone unturned before decide to plan B WW.

WW also got a cell phone in her name. No adherence to any boundaries.

Right now, I am also detaching myself from her, no LBs but still be cordial when spoken to.

Any more suggestions on strategy?

WW came home from spending last 4.5 hrs talking with OM.

I locked the garage and was prepared to pack her bags and store them on the front door when WW goes to work in the morning. Then would get new locks for the house.

I asked WW what was the story being out so long with OM?

She said that OM told her that OMW found out about the A and that OM wanted my WW to 'run away with him'. (now this is after 2 marriages for OM). My WW said where would they go - OM replied, "he'll take care of everything."

WW said she could not do this to her kids, BUT I added you cannot stay for the kids - WE come before the kids! If there is nothing netween us, she was free to go with him if she thought he was a better alternative.

In fact, the things that 'reeled' WW in to reality was:

1) Exposure to sister who called her while she was out before seeing OM tonight.

2) The 180 I pulled the last 2 days on WW. She said reality hit her yesterday when I detached from her and she did not want this. She was glad I did this.

Now, I told WW that this "its over" scenario has been repeated several times already and that how do we know its over. Also OM will still be in our town, so who can say whether he runs into WW or not?

I plan to verify OMW contact if PI gets me what I need!

Where do we go from here if its over:

Set new boundaries?
etc.....

Prepare for plan B, and tell her if she doesn't agree to NC with OM, she moves out (and doesn't take the kids with her). Then you get her family to pressure her to end it, and if she doesn't, at least pressure her to move out on her own.

She needs to give access to the new computer and phone.
Total transparency. Did you ever contact OM school? Or follow him home?

Bluenote, I would call up that PI and tell him he needs to get his [censored] in gear and get you that OMW # TODAY! He has had 3 weeks to get it and this is unacceptable. The OM probably has no intention whatsoever of leaving his wife and this is a CRITICAL EXPOSURE. This is your BIGGEST BULLET and it has not been used.

Can you not get the OM's home phone and address on your own? It is unlisted? Did you expose to his school like you stated earlier?

If your PI cannot come up with the goods for you, why not call the one I recommended? He charges $135 for a name and address lookup.

JMWC -- I agree 100% and I am prepared to pull a plan B if WW does not agree to NC (although she said it was over)!

22Dev -- You better believe I am going to insist on 100% transparency on her computer (which she keeps tucked away -- by the way, this was their primary means of communication (email) recently. WW said they have not communicated via cell phone (I will verify).

I spoke to asst principal at OM school but he made it sound like he could not do too much and that he would 'speak to OM' if contact occurred during school hours. Therefore, I did not drop his name to school yet.

ML -- I know you have been preaching this for at least 3 wks now! I only contacted you guy last week and emailed him my info along with $$$ to see what he can find. He said he would have something between the weekend and Mon.

OM DOES NOT have any home address/phone records listed as he just moved out here last year. Today, I will ask WW what kind of car OM drives so I can go to the school to track him to follow.

My dilemma was, I did not know what OM looked like along with his car. I did get his classroom number at the school he works.

Again, if WW tries to be the leats bit protective of OM in terms of not disclosing any OM info, I will consider this as 'maintained contact.'

She knows that I have no desire to see or speak to OM -- I just might get 'twitchy.'

So, I will not rest until I verify OMW exposure.

I also feel I want to do a DNA test on undies to see if WW and OM were 'just talking' or just talking. Think about it, sitting in a car in a store parking lot talking for 4.5 hrs?That's a lot of talking!

I'll keep you all updated later! I wish I could get the live radio broadcast in my area! I'll have to listen to the archived streamed broadcasts!

Thanks JM, ML, 22 Dev for checking up and chimimg in on my post!

Not to be disrespectful, but I feel stronger in a sense that I do not need my WW for my life to be okay.

Drafted letter to WW stating that I will not tolerate her disrespect through continued contact with OM -- if she cannot live by the boundaries I have established, then we will separate or divorce.

This past Thur, WW met OM at 10:00pm and did not come home until 3:10 am. (A less civilized H would have probably knocked her head off). She did not answer her cell phone when I phoned her afer midnight.

My WW thinks its ok to receive an email from OM Friday after their contact to see if she was okay! WW stated that OM has a free will to send an email if he wants although she claims to have told him to stop.

I told WW, its ironic you do not pick up your cell phone when I call you to see if she is okay after midnight yet she can receive and answer OM's email. I guess WW never thought about disabling email account!

WW does not want to take responsibility for her actions! She says that I 'blow up' when she admitted contact with OM -- this is after WW claims its over! Also WW says she does not answer her cell when I call her because I never have anything nice to say (basically I'm asking where is she given her inability to make me feel safe).

Anyway, I need plan B advice. I will not live like this any longer!

Is this the same as filing for a separation? After all, how can you legally force WW to leave home without a court order especially if WW says to me "you cannot make me leave."

I am also awaiting info on OMW from PI tomorrow to see what OMW knows about the situation expecialy since her H seems to operate with no consequences! This is crucial.

OM seems ****** bent on 'running away with my WW!' No doubt, she will be hurt financially by this! In fact, I would not be surprised if OM is coaching her in what I can and cannot do to her!

I also plan to tell my DS11 and DD10 tomorrow of mom's A to prepare them for any separation that may take place this week.

WW does not realize that she does not have the power! She will be destroyed in the long run! What saddens me is that once WW is out of the house, I feel I would really be reluctant to take her back in since she would most likely be doing it out of convenience, not because she loves me and the family.

Right now, I am sleeping in a separate room from WW. I have been doing so for several days! I do not plan to do anything with her anymore or communicate with her!

Anyway, someone please help me with plan B. I read about it in SAA, but from a practical perspective, how can I get her out with her fighting me on this! If I change the locks and put her things out front will I have to let her back in?

Thanks! I need some plan B experience!!!

There are two ways that you can get your WW out of the house that I can think of:

1) Legal Separation
2) Pressure from WW's family and friends.

I know that my WW's sister was squarely on my side. If my WW would not leave when I went to plan B, I was going to call her sister and have her pick my WW up and tell her that she shouldn't stay at our house anymore.

What has exposure done? I don't feel that you have given your WW enough consequences for her actions? Doesn't she have friends or family that will stand up to her dispicable behavior, or at least make her uncomfortable. She seems like she is under no pressure to leave whatsoever.

Also, I know you have found OMW, but it is time for you to find OM's parents, family, and friends as well to expose to them. If he is really the one turning up the heat, you need to fight fire with fire. Make there be consequences for OM to continue to pursue your WW.

Okay, I just reread your thread. Find anyone you can on OM's side, especially where he works, and expose to them. Just make OM's life he11.

Also, re-expose to your WW's family, and if you have them on your side, see if they will help you get her out of the house. Tell them you are NOT looking to D, just end her affair. Anything that you do will be to give your WW consequences for continuing the affair, but that the ultimate goal is to get her to end it and go into counseling with you.

Bluenote, you have to get creative. if you know she's going out with the putz, follow her, take pictures, get his
car plate number.

Go to the city library and get into the city directory, he is propabley listed there with his wife's name. You are fightin' the unknown foe. You have got to get the drop on him.

Get some woman, any woman, to call the school and start on that she's having a party and is so embarrased she knows Om' s name but not his wife...for the invitation...make something up, if you get the ditzy secretary and she asks for a name. Have one already made up. I'm sure someone will help you with this, this will work..

If you can find his school online, find another teacher who may know him, or a parent. Your PI needs to hurry up, this is a crucial time for you.

OM thinks if you are going to expose, you would have by now.
He's feeling he has the upper hand.

Good luck

JMWC and 22 Dev,

Neither my WW nor I have immediate family in our area. All exposure has been through long distance except for WW's closest friend. I have exposed to all on WW's side.

As far as OM's side goes, he does not have much family I know of in our town (he recently moved here) from East Coast. Therefore, his job and OMW are the only exposure points. In my old thread, I mentioned that OM grew up in foster system according to WW.

Just spoke to PI this morning - he said he found me an address for OM in Cali (good news!). I cannot say whether my M will survive or not, but I will have tried everything once I speak with OMW as well as expose OM to his employer.

Also I will definitely be going to plan B to allow WW to 'finance' her own life. I plan to file for separation this week after I speak with a 2nd lawyer!

Boy, my WW still in a fog!!!