Bluenote,

I know what you are saying, but I think it would send a strong message to OM by showing up with a "big" friend to his and WW's "secret" meeting place. It could scare him off. I think your actions are starting to scare him away, so I think a little intimidation could go a long way into getting him to leave your WW alone.

Also, find OMW's parents and let them know. I'm sure the more angry people after OM, the better. I think it's time to put OM on the run. Make his life he11 if he insists on continuing to pursue your WW. Once there is NC, you will get your chance for reconciliation, but I think in your situation, the more pressure you apply on OM, the better.

Jim -- One order of pressure coming up!

Huge mistake IMHO.

Whatever your name is today,

Do you care to elaborate?

"Do you care to elaborate?" would have been respectful.

"Whatever your name is today" certainly is not.

Bluenote,

What is being proposed borders on illegal and could escalate into something illegal, dangerous or both.

Regardless, that is not the issue.

I have told you before that OM never has been nor never will be your problem. You are losing focus. You had been admonished to expose to OMW for months. For whatever reason, excuse, force majeure, you were unable to do that. Now apparently you have succeeded. But you don't know for sure. You believe (correctly) that OM is spinning this to his BW. Your focus should be on her, getting the facts in the open, exposing OM to WW for what he really is.

Now let's say that hypothetically you don't do that. Let's say that you bully OM into leaving WW alone. What will this accomplish?

This will make WW hate you because you scared her poor OM away. He will become the martyr that cannot die. And what if you force WW to stay with you? How will that make you feel - knowing that you were her only option? Do you want her because you love her or do you want her because you simply don't want to lose the fight?

If my WW had carried on like yours for this long, I personally would have walked. But we are each different. Perhaps your love has been able to endure this long with this much flagrant violation of your marriage vows and bed. If so, you have my respect.

WW needs to break it off with OM. This A needs to die.

I see two options:

1) OM is truly a better man than you are in every way and WW has recognized this. If this is the case, give up. OM was not the problem - you were.

2) You are far and away the better man than OM and WW is being foolish and driven by her hormones. If this is the case, WW will come back to you and eventually have remorse.

If you force her to come back to you because she has no other option left, your marriage will be he11.

I am not aware of the Harleys ever advising to scare off OM.

IMO you are misdirecting your efforts. You finally had an open door with OMW yet you seem not to want to walk through for a reason that simply escapes me.

So you kick some sand in OM's face and make him go running away? What will you truly have accomplished? You certainly will not have saved your marriage.

Ghostrider,

Your logic is flawed. If his W continues the affair, there is no chance for the marriage. If OM pulls away for WHATEVER reason, there is a chance for the marriage. He cannot show he is a better man, if she is unwilling to look.

I don't suggest violence, but one of the reasons Harley pushes exposure, especially to family is that they can and should bring pressure to bear on both parties. If they can force OM to back off, that is good. IF H can force OM to back off that is good.

She will hate him for the exposure no matter what that is a given for a fogged up WW. She will hate him for driving OM off, that is a given for a fogged up OM. However, in both cases he has his best chance with OM out of the picture.

Recovery has no chance otherwise.

Bluenote, an confrontation should be in a public place with witnesses. It should be done no violently, but you are within your rights to make it very clear you don't want him around your W. Make darned sure his W knows about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL. You just did me a huge favor. I never can remember...were you a BS?

Ghostrider,

I will still confirm OMW's identity to ensure the A story is straight!

In terms of pressure, I do not want to engage in any altercation with OM, I simply want him to know that this is not a competition with my WW. I think this fact will also knock some of the excitement out of the A.

Simply meeting OM will put pressure on him in and of istelf, I believe!

Also, I would like to pressure him by exposing him (and meeting him in principal's office) -- after all, he used school time to contact my WW.

In fact, I would even be so bold as to set up a meeting with OM and OMW with myself and WW. Has anyone ever done this before? I would even like to ask OM in front of OMW what he plans to do with his M.

In any event I will have WW walking this week, so any pressure other than that described above will serve no good purpose in my opinion.

Other than the above, I plan to focus on getting WW out of the house this week (separation) and what support I need to take care of my 3 kids!

Bluenote,

Just be aware that any intimidation/threat or any other unusual act could easily come back to haunt you if your situation deteriorates to divorce. Anything you do now will be greatly magnified in front of the judge and all to your detriment. This isn't the time to be a cowboy.

Having said that, I'll retire from your thread.

Bluenote, this is an excellent idea as long as you can control yourself from punching him. Steve Harley has counseled clients to meet the OM mano to mano and ask him "what is your intention with my wife." Dr. Harley has counseled the same thing, saying "cause as much conflict for the OM as possible." In other words, contact him every time he is in contact with your wife and apply as much pressure as possible. Apply pressure, bluenote!

ghostrider,

The "whatever your name is" thing was a joke. I'm sorry you took it the wrong way.

Planning unannounced visit to OMW's house at lunchtime today. Hopefully she will be there this time!!!

Also planning to see a lawyer today about a legal separation.

I need to have WW out of the house and on her own so she can quit treating our house like a 'guest home" where she can go and come in as late as she pleases (after I'm sure visiting OM).

Sounds like a good plan, Bluenote. I hope she is home today. If she still won't allow tht guard to let you in perhaps have him verify with her that she received your package. I realize it wouldn't be the same as seeing her and verifying it IS actually her, but it might help if she didn't receive the information.

Your WW needs to see consequences for her actions, show her you are serious.

LC

LC,

Its funny -- For as long as I have been trying to contact OMW, sometimes I feel that maybe God does not want this woman (OMW) to see the details of what has been happening for she may 'snap' herself!

AND

Everything still comes back to my WW -- whether she will stop or not! California is a tough state to deal with with respect to dads when it comes to seps and divorces but I have to do this even for my own sanity!

I will NOT be leaving my house, WW will if anyone has to go -- you can believe that!

Bluenote, I'm sure you have considered that OMW did not receive the package and that WW & OM had someone call for them. This is where you have let God work thru YOU for the BS, just as He did for Kimleigh thru the Wonderings.

That really is funny, especially when you consider which spiritual power has the VESTED INTEREST in keeping this secret. Secrecy HELPS THE ADULTERY, so who do you think wants to keep the affair secret, God or SATAN?

Secondly, would God want this woman in the hands of a lying, cheating adulterer if she were so mentally fragile?

Bluenote, the right thing to do is to tell this woman and MAKE SURE she knows so she can protect herself from her H.

I just have never seen anyone who had such trouble exposing to the OP's spouse. Is the real reason this has not been done becuase you have manufactured this "feeling" that she might go nuts?

You were going to talk to her today at lunch, did that happen?

ML - I spent my time today talking to a couple of lawyers!

I am off all day tomorrow to hit OMW early in the morning again!

I really want tp expose to this woman -- I am not afraid to confront her - I DO want her to know the truth! Especially since OM is very cunning and slick!!!

I will also go see the school superintendent tomorrow to expose OM, but I want to hit OMW first!

I will be praying that God would 'open this door' tomorrow AM.

I am really tired of the lies and disrespect!

My WW came home from work -- took a nap -- took a shower, and then went car hunting alone. Her credit is shot!

It is now 10:00pm (4 hrs later) and no word from her. She also does not answer her cell phone (standard routine).

I think plan D is in my future as much as I hate to say that! I often think of my 3 kids (DS11, DD10, DD5) and the pain a D will cause.

I just cannot bear to stay in an M where the lies and disrespect comes from WW so easily!

God Himself would have to change my heart and hers for anything to turnaround in this M!

This is absolutely heart wrenching!!!!

She disrespects you because you allow her to. Put the GPS on her car already. Then file for legal separation and go to plan B before you lose all love for her. You can make it through this, you just need to stand up for yourself and protect your love for her.

BN,

I've been following your story for a while and I have to chime in.

Talk to the OMW today. EXPOSE THIS A!!!!

You are a doormat, she has no respect. That doesn't change unless you fight for it. ACTIVELY!

You WILL lose all of your love for her while watching her day in and day out live as a woman having an A! And you are enabling this.

Follow the plans...Exposure, Plan A and Plan B.


THIS IS WHAT A WS DOES!! She is no different that any other WW.

Come on BN. Help yourself out here. Get it done already.