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Joined: Jul 2007
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Wife of 15 years had affair, said it was phone calls and a kiss. Later (4months) told me she had sex with guy, then drove home, cleaned up a little (no shower, just a quick wipe) then had me give her oral sex. I feel like I was raped !I am sick, feel like I was humiliated, she says she just felt bad and wanted to be close to me, too close. I am sick, she cheated then had me to do this, it's like he was in my bed and in my mouth, I am really hurting over all of this, the sex and the humiliation is killing me. Is this common? What can I do to deal with this, I am in house with her but we have legal separation agreement. She says she loves me, but did keep calling this guy for two weeks AFTER I confronted her. Any help would be nice.javascript:void(0)

Last edited by allovercarolina; 07/30/07 07:28 PM.
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I understand what you mean by feeling like you were raped. I have felt the same way with hubby. I had asked him if he was with someone else earlier all I wanted him to do was put a condom on. I didn't care about the other woman, I just wanted him to be decent enough to do this one thing for me. But he didn't, swore up and down that he hadn't been with anyone else. And when I found out otherwise, I was sick to my stomach for days. I had never felt so gross and disgusted in my entire life. I don't know if the feeling is normal or if it can be expected. But I do know how you're feeling because I have been there myself. Either we're two peas in a pod or it really is quite common.

I think the best first step is to find out if your marriage is one you can save. I for one do love my husband. And I can't imagine ever being with anyone else or ever giving myself to another man. But, on the other hand, there are things in a relationship that I want that I don't think I could ever get from him. I need to decide if I can live with that. And if I can't live without what I need then I need to move on.

He had an affair for a reason. Obviously I failed to provide him with something he needs and he wants. If I can't give that to him then I know these affairs will just continue.

Find out what was missing from your relationship and if, together, that missing piece can be found. If not, then you'll know what to do.

Good luck!

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Thanks for the post! I was hoping that a number of both men and women would post some ideas and information as I am totally grossed out by this, and I feel sure that I got a U.T. infection from this contact as well. ( Wife put me on super antibiotics a few days later when I had trouble with burning while using the restroom). Had STD test 3 .5 months later after she told me about sex, everything came back clean, but Dr. said that the meds she gave me would have killed any infection related to U.T. I have tried counseling, church, friends and family but none really even want to address this gross/sick feeling I have. As a heterosexual man, the next to last thing you would want to come in contact with is semen, the last thing is semen from the man that just had sex with your wife in a public park. She claims that she was not thinking about this exposer when she had sex with me, HOW in the world could she not be thinking about what she had just done. I want answers from her as to if (a) she really was thinking about it and just had sex with me anyway or (b) is so irresponsible with my body (and hers of course) that she used me to make herself feel better about what she had just done. Both (a)&(b) are disturbing.

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you have every right to feel violated. however in regards to wanting answers, wayward spouses aren't always thinking clearly and definately not caring for your feelings. if you want to save your marriage, you should read surviving an affair and learn how to view affairs and what needs to be done to save your marriage. your feelings are natural. they will fade some over time especially if you are able to reconcile with your wife and she works hard at your marriage. my wife and i met in high school and were exclusive until her first affair. i have a hard time getting over those mental images and now that i really want to, it's too late. so if you want to save your marriage, you gotta put some work into it so get reading.

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Quote:

I want answers from her as to if (a) she really was thinking about it and just had sex with me anyway or (b) is so irresponsible with my body (and hers of course) that she used me to make herself feel better about what she had just done. Both (a)&(b) are disturbing.




Took the feelings right out of my heart!!! That's exactly how I felt too. Was he with me because he wanted to be with me or wanted to be reminded of his time with her? Or was it because being with me would make what he had done with her okay??

I don't think 'disturbing' is fitting though. Not for me. I don't know that any word can describe how that makes me feel.

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Quote:

I have tried counseling, church, friends and family but none really even want to address this gross/sick feeling I have.




allovercarolina - there are two terms that come to mind that might be "closer" to the feeling you are attempting to descibe.

Revulsion.

Anathema.

Those are terms that are associated with God's view of sin, and since you mentioned church, I assume that faith in God plays at least some part in your life. As such, let me ask you if you and your wife are born-again believers, or just how faith plays a part in your lives?

"Healing" begins with God for believers, hence my question to you.


God bless.

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Her plan was to make you so repulsed by the thought, that you would leave her and make it easy on her to continue her adultery.


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After I read this, I thought for a few minutes what if it wasn't a bacterial infection but a viral one...

Your post upset me a great deal that someone would risk both of your lies so callously.

That is a betrayal most foul.

I know shes your wife, but I feel like she took a revolver, pointed it at your head and start playing roulette.

Sorry I don't have anything constructive to say, I'm still shocked and this is the best i could muster.

RMX


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
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Allovercarolina,
That story is positively revolting. I cannot believe she would do that to you. I don't even know what to say, every reason I can think is just terrible. Your health is less important to her than her guilt or her amusement, depending on her motives.

As another poster suggested, she may have just told you out of enmity or to force you to be the one to file for divorce. If my wife had done that, I think I would just giver her what she wants, because its not worth sacrificing my happiness just to prove a point.

Best of luck to you. I hope you figure out whats best for YOU.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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This post has hit very hard with me. My H and I are 15 months into recovery and the exact same thing happened with us.

One night during his affair, I gave my H oral sex. I could taste the other woman all over him and at the time ( I was oblivious to what was going on) thought to myself "He tastes like he just had sex w someone!!)

In any event, my H LET me do this. He had unprotected sex with the OW that afternoon, and LET me do this at night, with no shower in between.

I dont know how to answer your question on how you get over this. My H and I have been in couseling w Steve Harley, which has helped tremendously. However- every single time I think about this - I quickly go to a VERY dark place where I just want nothing to do with this anymore. It is incomprehnsible to me . My H has told me had allowed it because he "didnt want any conflict or have to explain why he was turning me down" That is the most disturbing answer I could imagine.

It is important that your W listens to your pain, and hears how badly she has hurt you, and understands what this apecific action did to you. They tell me it gets better with time. We shall see

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I have to agree with Pariah. Also, what has your wife done lately to make you believe she is telling you the truth? Is she such an upstanding citizen that you will believe anything that comes out of her mouth?

I would wager a guess that she told you this during an argument, or at least way before the affair was over.

And if she did do this, and went ahead and told you about it to hurt you, I would reconsider staying with her. She needs help.

Last edited by Soolee; 08/02/07 01:56 PM.

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"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

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Thanks, these post help! I am told by W. that she was not thinking about what she had just done 2 hours ago when we had sex. She does suffer from Post Thematic Stress Disorder (PTSD), our therapist says that folks who have this (her case, severe childhood sexual abuse) blank out bad thoughts and go to whatever comforts them in times of remorse or stress. The reason that she was even talking to this fool is that he identified her pain, and knew her from teen years, and took advantage of this. She has always been a great person, I feel 100% sure that she has never done anything like this. She talked secretly on phone for about 10 days, met him she says to talk in person (only meeting) and they made out. She says that the attention made her feel good, before she knew it, she was having sex. Claims that she did not get anything out of it. Then as I said, she came home, 2 hours later we had sex. I found out next morning (look at the cell phone!!) Got a friend to call number, got his name, confronted her and she lied, said they only kissed once, she got scared and left. She kept calling him for about two weeks, I spoke to him a few times myself, he was real rude. I can have him and her charged with a felony for having sex in a public park, I do not intend on doing so. I would like to run into him (he told me if I needed someone to talk to he would try to help me!!) I tape recorded both of them telling me about the affair, I can do about whatever, she gave me legal custody of children, several homes and all of the money we have except her 401K. I am moving into a house I bought Tuesday, this will be the 4th time we have lived apart in 4 months, but this time I am going to be gone longer than a week like the other times she or I moved out. I have not been able to work, lost a family member during this period and about all of my savings. I did reconnect with God, that is the ONLY good thing to come out of it. And I would not be telling the truth if I did not say that I have had affairs in the past, after all this I told her everything. Most people will say (she just got you back), I agree. I am just stuck in such pain for what she did to me that night (something I NEVER done to her).

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Allovercarolina - your wife has been emailing me. Perhaps you would like to email me and I'll see if I can help you ok? My address is in my profile.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
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The EXACT same thing happened to me. When I found out I couldnt believe anyone, especially my own wife would ever let something like that happen. I really just cant understand what my W was thinking. Was it a turn on for her? If so, I just dont know what to say about it. Her A has caused so much of this kind of stuff. This one I'm sure will be with me forever though.

2LLP


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FWS(wife)-39
D-11
D-13
S-15
Dday-1 10/05/05
Dday-2 06/02/06
Dday-3 07/14/06
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allovercarolina,

It has been a while since you have posted and I hope you are still lurking. I also hope you will post some more.

Like BK, I too have gotten an email from your wife asking for help. I am reluctant to email her routinely without you being involved in the process. If you read this, please email me (addy in profile) and I will do what I can to help you both.

FWIW, your wife seems sincere in wanting your marriage to be restored and it might be possible if you both are willing to work at it.

Mark

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Mark - you should read his other posts too - he's had a few affairs himself but that "isn't the same"


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Quote:

Mark - you should read his other posts too - he's had a few affairs himself but that "isn't the same"





BK, I've read all of allovercarolina's posts (all 10 of them), but I must have missed this bit of information. Since it is a key point, could your point me to the post you are referring to about his having had a "few affairs?"

Edited to add:

Nevermind, BK, I found the reference buried near the end of his post on this thread;

"And I would not be telling the truth if I did not say that I have had affairs in the past, after all this I told her everything. Most people will say (she just got you back), I agree."

Thanks.

Last edited by ForeverHers; 08/25/07 09:43 AM.
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Quote:

I did reconnect with God




allovercarolina, indeed?

What exactly does "reconnect" with God mean to you, since you bring it up as the only "good thing" to come out this mess?


Quote:

I am just stuck in such pain for what she did to me that night (something I NEVER done to her).




Granted, but since you've reconnected with God you MUST know that adultery itself, not just the acts connected with adultery, is so bad in God's eyes that marital unfaithfulness constitutes the ONLY reason that God grants us, as believers, to divorce, and that God grants that right ONLY to the Faithful Spouse.

So you have two sinners in your marriage, both having violated the 7th commandment of God. Which is "worse," the sin against Holy God or the sin against you? Notice I did NOT say that sin does not entail real pain and anguish, I am asking a question that involves being able, or unable to forgive a heinous sin and REBUILD with God as an integral part of, and partner to, your marriage. Suffice it to say that your marriage, if thought of in terms of clay on a Potter's Wheel, has been found to be flawed. God, as the Master Potter, can mash it down and remove the flaws and rebuild it into a vessel worthy of His service. Is that what you want? Is that what you are really asking for?

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You're a better man than me if you can stick it out. That was one of my questions for WS. I don't think I could have forgiven her giving oral to another man especially since I rarely got it to begin with. Plus she kisses me and the kids with that mouth, it's making my stomach turn thinking about it. No advice, just venting with ya.


Me: BS, 29 Her: WS, over 29 M: 9 yrs Kids: 2 D-day #1: 07 May 07 D-day #2: 20 May 07
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