Thanks for the well wishes.

LilSis I went to Mass at 4pm on Christmas Eve. Only teared up a couple of times during the christmas hymms. I also prayed for everyone here. I wish it wasn't something we are all dealing with. But heck we are making it.

Kids were with WH last night, after they left I went to his place to tape my card to his door. Included this letter.

M,

It's really early morning on Christmas Eve right now. Sleep is just eluding me, as it has been for the past couple of weeks.

There is something that I would like to give you this Christmas. I know it's not something that you have asked for, I really don't know if it's something you really want.

When I e-mailed you Thanksgiving I mentioned I was working on forgiveness and I wasn't quite there yet. It's something I have been working on since. Not sure if this will matter or not to you, I hope it does. M I forgive you. It's a simple gift that didn't cost any money, it's just something that is coming straight from my heart.

My only wish for this Christmas... is the chance to heal our marriage. A chance for each of us to heal the many hurts we have caused each other. I'm not sure if my Christmas wish will ever come true.

M, you had mentioned you weren't sure what you wanted. The only thing I ask is can we please get together and talk about this?

I hope I hear something back from you. As always I still love you. Merry Christmas.

D.

This morning he came and dropped off DS X-box 360 and TM me shortly after he left to say I looked nice. And he also thanked me for the card and said it was very nice.

Getting through today but he is always in the back of my mind. Hope it's different next Christmas.

Still

That was beautiful. How do you feel about it?

Still,

I almost cried reading your letter. He would have t/b heartless not to let this touch his heart. Then again.....Ws' have been known t/b heartless. Still, amazing things have happened before.

Don't want to get your hopes up but you did what you needed t/d, right? So as SG asked, how are you feeling now?

I ask because this c/b a turning point for you.

take care,
L.

{{{{Still}}}}

still,

Do you realize the strength and power you have? It took a Very Strong person to write such a beautiful and powerful letter! I am in awe of you today.

How are you doing this evening?

{{Goddess Still}}

Skin, Orchid, Sdguy and Bugs,

Thank-you for the input on my letter to my WH. Can you believe I wrote that at 2 am Christmas Eve. I just couldn't sleep.

I feel good about giving it to him. Orchid I hope you are right about it touching his heart. I just wanted him to know that I have forgiven him. I had to do that for myself also. Lately I have been seeing more of H than WH. But who knows in this world of infidelity.

Bugs... I wish I felt as strong as you think I am for giving the letter. I shook all the way over there. All I know is that he did read it and thanked me for it. No word about talking yet, I'll give it some more time.

Have I told you guys lately I love ya!

Still

Probably.... but we know we luv ya 2!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Still,

I was just thinking about you and the fact that it can feel like such a 'let down' after the emotional expenditure you put into the letter.

How are you doing?

Once you learn to let the outcome of such communications go, and realize that you have spoken your truth and faced your fear, you won't feel nearly as much 'let down' from these interactions.

It takes guts to face your sitch head on, Still. I hope you feel empowered by your actions.

Bugs,
Actually it's not so much of an emotional letdown as it is the waiting. I feel like I have been waiting forever. Sometimes it's so hard to be "still"

Silent thanks for popping in. The letter is done and I'm trying not to feel let down. It something I needed to do. The ball per se is back in his court.

Still

stillhurting, what's the status on the OW's marriage? Did your H ever express any desire to move in with her?

The status of OW's marriage is divorce pending. They could be divorced for all I know.

And I'm out of the loop on that one. I have no idea if he has oe had a desire to move in with her. I don't think they will, she has 2 small childen where ours are grown.

Still

Still, have you have the conversation with your H yet?

SS,

No not yet. I did text him today and asked if we could get together and talk. He said we could talk... kind of left out the part about getting together. Maybe he feels that he's cheating on the MOW if we get together. I don't know.

I'd like to ask him to go out New Years Eve, but I'm afraid he'll tell me he has plans with her. Maybe tomorrow.... I'll just pray to God for the right words to say. My IC thinks I should ask him what changed his mind. That before he was all gung-ho about he was happy. Now he tells me he is having trouble sleeping and he crys also. She thinks that if I ask him his feelings that it may get him thinking.

Thanks for checking in on me.

Still

Still,

Hey girl! What's going on? How about an update?

I guess I am due for an update.

So much has happened since the last time I posted.

We never got together to talk.... I sent one last letter in the mail with Truehearts letter. And asked him to read it with an open heart and mind. That I wasn't sending it to slam him. I was sending it to show that marriages can be healed after infidelity. That I still had hope for our marriage and that hope was fading with each day we got closer to court.

He called me on the way to my attorney's office last week and said he got my letter and he hasn't finished reading Truehearts letter. That we would talk. We talked this past Sunday night around 11:30PM. He told me he is so very sorry for all the hurt he has caused me. That this isn't easy for him either. That he feels like he has done too much damage to repair our marriage. After our conversation I couuldn't sleep at all.
Monday I had my last appointment with my attorney to go over the settlement and to prepare for our hearing. That night my DS had a hockey game and I had a hard time looking at him. I was with a freind and we were talking, he had a good view of us. After he TM'd me how he never talked about our divorce with our freinds. I asked him what he was talking about. He said you were huddles with D talking about us. Texted hom back I was "huddled" with D telling her I still hoped he would change his mind that I still loved him.
His response then how i'm getting everything we own.
My response I am losing the man I love.
At 1:30am he TM me " U up"
Me: I am now. Do u need 2 talk?"
Him: U hate me?
Me: No, how many time 2day have I told u I still love you?"
Him. Then why r u asking me to pay transfer fees? (foggy brain)
Him: Nothing to say?
Me: WTF r u talking about"
Him Thanks for swearing.
Then I called him... told him that our marriage is still repairable.
That it's not to late, we have until morning.
He told me what changes will be made. I told him we both had to change. And the most important one was the GF would have to go. He said that would be a given.
I asked him what he wanted in a marraige? He said a true partnership (wanted to say that means 2 people but didn't" He told me he was unhappy for a long time. I told him so wasn't I, but that we needed to tell each other not other people.
He told me when he sees me he still thinks that I am so pretty. that he hates himself for what he has done. That that's not the type of person he is. I told him I know that. He said that's not what I said in the past (told him his affair was a hole in his character). I told him I was hurt when I said that.
He told me he still cares for me deeply. I asked if he stilled loved me? He told me, he doesn't know if that could ever come back. I told him with time it could. We talked some more about some of his issues with me. Then he said he would call me in the morning. Not much sleeping after that. Still had some hope. And realizing he still is foggy.... not sure he's still with her.
He called that morning ( I threw up that morning) and said he's see me at court.
Had a friend drive me to court. I couldn't look at him. During the meeting prior to going in front of the judge he got angry and asked to leave the room for a minute. Then we went before the judge and I testified... my attorney made it clear in the record that this is not what I wanted, that I felt we could still resolve our issues, but realized that if Mr. O wanted to proceed I accept the settlement. Judge then asked me if I felt okay with the settlement, I said if it has to be this way yes. The he asked if he felt the marriage was irreconcialable... it seemed like forever for him to finally answer yes.
After my attorney told me he was in worse shape then I was.
I cried when I got into my freinds car and he saw that.
He TM'd me... didn't look at it for awhile because I thought it might be nasty cause I had a friend there.
Finally looked at it and he said he was so sorry.
Then he TM'd me two more times... why did you give me back your wedding ring? ( had put my weding ring on his truck keys when I returnesd them) Then he texted me again because I wasn't answering him... that when I was ready to talk let him know.
I know this is long... there is so much more. I was so numbed that day.
Will write more later have things I need to get done.

Still

So sorry, Still.

((((Still))))

Thanks Sdguy,

I'm sorry too! It's still in God's hands. I actually feel okay today. I'm seeing more and more of H. WH doesn't show his face around me very much anymore. I'm still going to pray for the restoration of my marriage.... God still has work to do on me and WH. It's just not God's time yet. I guess i have more work to do on me.

While I thought all my friends thought I was crazy for still wanting to work on my marriage.... many of them had told me how "strong" I am to still be willing to stand for my marriage. Funny how many times I didn't feel very strong.

Still

Well, it's been said a gazillion times, but recovery does take a lot of strength, so let God do his work.

Judging from his recent interactions, it doesn't sound like your H wants the D, but he's enmeshed with OW. They cannot think clearly until they are free from that bondage, and for sometime thereafter.

I didn't feel strong many times, but I perservered, still do. There must be strength in that. The fact that I can smile and laugh and NOT worry that something is going to stop the happiness, ruin it, is a good sign that I'm healing. I have stopped allowing those 'somethings' ruin my happiness. I just deal with whatever the problem is and move on.

He still sounds very Foggy, which you have also detected.

The trick is to live a good life in the face of the hurt. I would recommend going back to a dark, dark Plan B.

Hmm. This advice sounds familiar.