Good Morning! I hope that everyone had agreat long weekend!

I have a question and I'm not sure that anyone can answer it here...

F came home last night adn informed me that the last time that he was at/with POWS that he met his "lady friend"...and then, F said that he thinks that his dad has other kids...OUCH!

The other kids are interracial...

Of course, I don't think that being around new OW is in the best interest of the kids for apparent reasons...this is confusing to F...F did say that she was very nice...I didn't say anything...I didn't know WHAT to say...so I left it alone...

We have already talked about how POWS is committing Adultry and that it's a sin...he understands that...

I guess my question is how can I protect the kids from this...I know that there is a clause that I can put into the custody paperwork about NO overnights, but what about days?

I documented the conversation with F and have faxed all of my documention to my Attonrey this morning...

Any ideas would be appreciated!

Hey, Rin.

Ouch is right! Poor kid, thinking that he had siblings he didn't even know about .... I bet that one stung. Did he ask his dad if they were dad's kids? I imagine it hurts to think that some other kid might get the dad time that he's missing out on.


I think that it's difficult to get even the "no overnights" clause, unless the other party agrees to it somehow (and frankly, I don't see your STBX being very eager to agree to that, unless it's to make him look better in front of the court). I think it's even less likely to get an order like that to have any sticking power past when the D is final.

I also think that if he did agree to it, he might try to use that agreement to bite back at you -- I can just picture claims of you "living with sponsor's H." Which would techically be true, so then how do you word the agreement so some overnights are ok, and some are not. Pretty confusing and convoluted, and courts don't like confusing and convoluted.

As for him not even exposing the kids to OW's during the day .... that would be almost impossible to enforce or monitor. So I can't imagine a court getting too excited about entering an order like that unless you could name a specific person and make a case for why she's a threat.


Plus, if you did get the order, then you're in a situation of having to monitor and prove who he's in contact with, who's spending the night, etc. So there you go having to get all entangled in his life again. And can't you imagine his defense? "No, your honor, this person is just a friend. I'm not even allowed to have friends now, while I'm going through this terribly painful divorce?" "No, your honor, she didn't spend the night. The kids just misunderstood. She left right after they went to bed."


So, even if you could get such an order, I think it would be very difficult to enforce, especially given his demonstrated penchant for ignoring the rules or agreements.


That doesn't mean you can't ask for it. Asking for it in your upcoming hearing might at least give you the opportunity to bring up that he's introducing the kids to other women ... which probably won't look good.

But unless he agrees to the no opposite sex overnights, I'm not sure it's very likely that you'll get it. Of course that would depend a lot on your state law, but I think, in general, the courts don't like to get involved in orders like that specifically because of how difficult they are to prove and enforce. And they also aren't usually very interested in getting involved in his personal life -- it's not against the law for him to date, and a lot of people might not even consider it immoral since you guys are separated and working on a D. (Obviously we all know better, but I kinda doubt that the judge in your case will be a regular around here).


Isn't PM a lawyer in your state? She might have better knowledge about how courts down there typically rule.

-AmI.

Rin,

I wish I knew what to tell you. Obviously, I'm struggling with this myself.

I think AmI makes some really good points. Even if you can get a legal order prohibiting contact, will he pay any attention to it? And if he doesn't, how can it be enforced? Is it worth the conflict that would inevitably result? I'm afraid that this kind of thing may be one of the unfortunate realities of divorce.

(((Rin)))

HI, Ami...PM's a para in TX...

Smiley, I agree with you and AMi...he won't even follow the TRO...

In the last few weeks I've seen him several times and there's nothing I can do about it unless he does something TO ME...

It's like a child walking right up to the line, teasing you, then backing up...today he did it again...i saw him and OW...he aprked RIGHT behind me and there's ntohign I can do...

I'm feeling REALLY weak today...wondering how I'm going to do this...I really need some help gathering my strenght...

Encouragement...whatever, you have...

When i encounter him...I feel like he's doing these things on purpose to get me to react...i feel like the victim all over again...and i can't make him stop doing what he's doing...

then I feel like I can't post some of the things that's happened b/c he MIGHT be reading...

Then I wonder am I DJing or like someone asked me...is it really DJing when there been a pattern?

Crazy making!!!!

You have an order of protection. If he's violating it, then call it in. Boundary and enforcement.

He might be doing things on purpose, to get a rise out of you. Then again, he might not. It doesn't really matter what his motives are, does it? His motives, his actions are his. You determine if you're going to be a victm -- not him. You control your actions, that's not being a victm. If he's intimidating you or following you around, and you call the cops every single time, instead of slinking off like a victm .... it's going to start looking very bad for him. If he's calling or txt'ing and you just don't respond at all, then you're no victm. You are choosing your own actions. If you cut off your cell completely, change the number and tell him he has to talk to sponsor if he needs anything from you -- then he can't get to you as much. Get the boys their own pre-paid phone that he can contact them on, then you don't have to deal with it.

Whatever he's doing, you don't have to be involved. Doesn't matter what his motives are. You remove yourself from his drama. You aren't invovled and don't care about his life.

A while back, I think it as Frog who pointed out that you start slipping when you get too wrapped up in what he's doing, what's going on with him. Think it's time to re-focus on you and what you're accomplishing and what's going on with you again?

a~

I called the police...nothing they can do unless he does something to me b/c the TRO is so general...

I guess at least a report was made...in public...hard to prove...even at the sitter's...not doing anything to me...is what they said...same place same time...

After talking to them, that's when I admitted/felt that I was powerless...felt like the victim...can't make him stop...

i was just so shaken up that he had the balls...

I removed myself...came back to work but was shaking...

I'm calmer now, and feel better...

There are days like today...where I get shaken up and think it would be easier to go back but then I know that it wouldn't...

Then I wonder if this is normal to feel...

Still wonder if I'm crazy sometimes...

Then I have hope that after this court date things will change that the tides will turn...for the better...for me and the kids...

(((((rin)))))

He probably is trying to pi55 you off. That is why you are getting a D isn't it?

You know you can and will get through this.

5 good things
5 things to be thankful for!!!!!!!!!

I'll get right on that...I read your post and teared up...

let me calm down...well, it didn't piss me off I can tell you that...

Thanks Frog...

Don't cry over the puter it will catch on fire!!!!

{{{{{{RIN}}}}}

Just wanted to let you know you are doing great. As far as what POWS is doing with the contact....What wording is used in your RO regarding contact? Mine has a box that is checked that says WH cannot contact me in any way through any medium. Basically he is forbidden from contacting me in any way, except through e-mail in an emergency (that was written in by my lawyer to cover contact for my daughter). IMHO any violation of this would be a violation of the order. I would document what he is doing and go to your local dept and speak to a detective, not a street cop. They will have a better idea about what is considered a violation of the restraining order.

As far as OW goes, I got WH to agree to a clause in our parenting plan that says that WH and I will not introduce DD2 to any SO's without the others consent. This covers any situation that may pop up, and limits contact of any sort with OW unless I agree to it. How enforceable it is I don't know. I know that if I did have to go back to court it would not look good to a judge if WH agreed to do something and then violated it. Just a thought.

I know you can do this. You are so close to the end. Keep fighting. Just think of how happy you will be when this is all over and you have custody of the boys and you are celebrating Christmas with them in your house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

I've been trying all day to get on the site and just now did at home! {{{RIN}}}

Sister, I feel your pain!! Big hugs from me. Allow yourself a good cry if needed, it's ok sometimes.

You said,



Where's that Charlies' Angel Attitude I so love? I KNOW it's easy to slip into this. But you are better than that NOW! That's the old Rin. You are the new high powered Rin and are no longer a victim! You know it as well as anyone, just remember it now.

He's playing games like a child. Treat him like one. Remember that little boy that always bugged you to get your attention??

Not worth your time or energy. Hang in there.

I have to take DD to gymnastics, but will ck back with you later!!

Just quick...I'll post later...bring the kids to Chucky Cheese to get out and it's fund raiser night tonight...need something upbeat...

LL and BUGS:

My TRO says: A preliminary injucntion should not herein prohibiting defenant, POWS, his agents, employees and all OP, firms, or corporations acting or claiming to act in his behalf from contacting, threatening, harassing, annoying, and abusing petitioner at her residence, place of employment, or any other place petitioner may be visiting, in any manner whatsever...

That's it! THe sheriff here is pretty slack on these rules because he's a known wife beater...has been in office for YEARS...MOF, he's running for Parish president...until there's another sheriff in office, there's not much hope...

It sucks is what it does!!!

As far as the clause, I know that my uncle had something in his paperwork that said he couldn't visit with OW unless they were married around the kids...then, the standard is overnight...

I'm fine with that...I have nothing to hide and I don't plan to have every Tom, [censored], and Harry in and out of the house, when I decide to start dating...I've got some pretty clear ideas about who, how and when I want the kids to meet whomever...I can't go around exposing my kids to people that may not be sticking around...

I can say that bring the boys out was EXACTLY what I needed ! I did see another nieghbor there with his little boy...I said hello, how are you doing? He said that he saw the boys the other day, then I excused myself, claiming I was working all day and needed to sit down...

There were several teachers from L's school...it was fundraiser night, and I had no intentions of going b/c of money but that changed...I had an angel on my side to help me out...

It was great to get out, it really was...all I thought about was getting more tickets and watching the boys play...not to mention, eating that horrible pizza...now that such be against the law!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TBH, OW didn't bother me...it was the fact...I saw her with him today...I went in somewhere and he parked his truck right Here!!! NOT more than TWO parking places from me...out of a thousand parking spots...he parks next to my car...it seems so silly how I reacted...I was shaking my the time that I got to work and I did see him and her...

It's the intimidation from the past and it seems like here lately, he's doing it more and more...this isn't the first time...the babysitter thing...cop said I wouldn't have been able to do anything about that either...

Seems to me like I could have but no...so what good is calling the cops...I could be dead, dieing before they would get involved...

I sincerely hope that with time my reaction to him will fade...I know that I'm tense with the upcoming court date...I've been watching my rearview mirror, side mirrors...watching for his truck on the road...it's that hyperviligance that has saved me more than once in my life...

F announced to me that POWs said that if POWs doesn't get the house then he's going to buy a camper and live in that!!! Boy his world is fogged over..for someone who can't pay the house note on time, and has been repeatedly behind on the truck and bike, not to mention CS...

he's sick, really sick...I just think it's a shame that he isn't aware of himself, and jumped into another relationship so quickly...I feel sorry for OW too...she has no clue...and I'll be the last one to inform her...that's a mistake that she'll ahve to learn on her own as well as any OW he sees...

I ahve got to work on him not scaring me...or at least me scaring me when I see him...I'm so nervouse about this date and the threats that he HAS made in the past...

I've just got to work on that, I ahve to, I can't continue to react to him that way...I mean he doesn't know that he's doing it to me but I know and that has to change...

Almost there...almost...

My mom kept going back, time and time again, for this reason. I can't tell you how heartbroken we were as kids to think that we were safe, even if for a short period, and then have to go back when she got too scared to keep us all safe anymore. Rin, your kids deserve to live in a home safe from fear like this. Have you thought about moving away somewhere that you would feel safe?

No, TBH, He's the outsider, no familt here...just work...ALL of my family is here on my mom's side...

Ears, I wouldn't go back...I wouldn't but it doesn't stop me from thinking that...from time to time...I want better and I think if I just keep pushing on, one day at a time, I'll get there...overcome my fear...just as I did when I left...

That was the hardest part...

I see him getting bored down the line and moving on...well, I guess that's hoping...he's fighting me hard for this custody...and has not a leg to stand on...I knew that was going to happen...

I got out for so many reasons and it's so ahrd to have days like today when I've come so far...I went walk outside a little while ago and can remember having the same violent reaction when I had to deal with my SD while I was in college...I got past that...I'll get past this too...

I want SOOO much more and (here I go tearing up again) know that it's out there...if I identify why I chose POWs in the first place...if I work on myself...figure things out...pay attention to my red flags down the road...not give myself away...

I've got to do better...the way I see it I don't have a choice in the matter because I do want the boys to learn that's not the way someone is treated...they deserve better...

My head's in the right place...it's my emotions that react so crazy to him...I've broken the control and got away but not completely I think...I guess I just need time...

OKay Frog: 5 things I'm thankful for today:

1. Of course, my boys
2. My Sponsor
3. You guys
4. My trial contacts...lol
5. Access to the internet

5 Good things:

1. I guess I got to bring the boys to eat and play
2. Sleep, not matter how little it is
3. F doing all of his homework
4. F's tutor is a friend, well almost...but that's exciting to me...I can talk to her...
5. L doing extremely well in school

Okay, that wasn't as easy today as it was the other day...

Ears, thank you for sharing that... I appreciate it...I'm doing the best I can to gather my strenght...it's low right now but I'll get there...it'll get better...I've got God on my side...

How do you go months without running into him and then five times in two weeks maybe two and a half...what is that? Crazy, is what it is!!!

Thanks again...

morning! I'm feeling a little better today...I was talking to a friend who is on the same AD's that I'm on and I was telling her about how I feel and she suggested that I call my Dr. and ask him to up my meds...

I have to admit that as a result of this D, the tension in my life has decreased but the stress of the D and upcoming court date has increased...

She suggested that I do that now and have the opportunity to adjust before we move back home...right now I'm on the minimum dose...

we were talking about my sleeping and how I feel that my mind races at night, that when she put two and two together...the sleeping meds are not helping...so I have to call my other Dr. back and see about something else...

I noticed I was reacting well to things but that has changed...since it's a non-addictive med, I don't see how it could hurt to try!

9 days to go ladies and gentlemen...I pray that you would all pray that nothing postpones this date and the kids and I are granted use of the home...MAINLY, NOTHING HAPPENS TO THIS COURT DATE...six and a half months is long enough...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

HI, i just got back from my Dr. appt...

I was a mess before he walked into the door...crying...just thinking about what I was going to tell him...

I felt HE ACTUALLY LISTENED this time...so he doubled the dose of my ADs, and gave me something strong to sleep...

B/c I was crying he checked my ears, throat, and chest...I have a history of broncoitis(???)...I thinks that kinda of funny now...i didn't stop crying until after I got back to work...

Even at the drug store, i left my sunglasses on...

just thought you guys would be interested...8 days to go! Hurray!