Hey Rin!

Glad you got to the Dr & are adjusting the meds. You may find you only need the extra dose to help get you through the court date. You know best how you feel.

I understand the crying jags,,,,, sometimes they seem impossible to stop, don't they?

Think back over the last several months, what are one or two things that really seemed to help soothe and strengthen you at the worst of times? Whatever you can think of, do it.

You have 8 days to go. Seems short in number, but will feel like an enternity I am sure! Do whatever you can do to boost yourself and strengthen yourself during this next week. Remember, you are an armor plated warrior!!!

Hang in there baby,,,, the end of the tunnel is near!

Morning BUGS! Thank you for stopping by...so many newbies I don't get a whole lot of posters these days...

I found out that the sleeping med. that Dr. gave me are highly addictives so I'm choosing NOT to take them at all...

That's very scary to me...so I'm going to see how the double dose on the ADs go...I feel better this morning but I heard some info from F that I came straight into the office, typed up, and faxed to my Attorney...

Last weekend was POWS, well, he brought the kids to MIL's, didn't stick around long, and went to met his Lady friend in another city...then picked up the kids and brought them home!

Then, the week that the kids spend at MIL, POWS picked them up on the Friday and went to his brother's house....WHERE his "lady friend" is suppose to be living...well, when the kids woke up, BOTH MORNINGS, his dad was in the bedroom with the lady friend...

F also explained why he thought his dad has other kids too! POWS use to call L "little @hole" all the time...while F overheard his dad on the phone saying "alright little @hole"...then telling whoever that he was waiting on these two to be picked up, them he was going to go see his other one!

For someone who wants seven and seven he sure doesn't act like it!

I'm so glad that I got this info today...I typed it up, faxed it and I'm done with it...

It also sounds like POWS has more than one woman...which doesn't surprise me in the least...i.e. "Open Marriage"...swapping that he was always pushing for...

So needless to say I'm not feeling low today...I'm feeling really good about what I'm doing and concentrating on protecting those kids the best that I can...

7 more days and I love it when the weekend rolls around because I can got more days out of the way...LOL

So, TODAY I'm in Charlie's Angel mode with a little help from F this morning!!

Rin,

There is no way in Hades that I would ever tolerate anyone calling my child such a name...and especially not their father. Make sure this verbal is documented. Do you have witnesses who have also heard him call L that?

I'm sure that I can come up with some...I've determined that I'm going to go for sole custody...the worst the judge can tell me is no!

Thank you Lady...I appreicate your time and post to me...I didn't think of that!

Oh, BUGS, I forgot which Angel I am...can you remind me? LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I was sitting here working and I started thinking about last night's meeting. The topic was on Detachment. It hit me that I was once able to detach realtively easy from POWS but over the last few weeks I think that the rules changed and I got off of the path.

This line of thinking made me think about boundaries. And how at one time I set the boundary that I would not allow POWS to intimidate me...somewhere's that went out the window and I have determined that I need to inforce that boundary with myself again...

I think that I have allowed my fear of all of the threats POWS has made from the past to creep up in the past few weeks leading to this court date...there are two that come to mind:

1. he would rather go to jail than give me anything.
2. he would burn the house down.

These thoughts haven't been in the forefront on my mind but they have been there...

I thought I knew what detachment was but sitting there last night listening, I felt that I didn't know one thing about detachment and when it was my turn to speak, I chose to pass.

My sponsor came up to me after the meeting and hugged me and asked if I was okay...I sadi that I had heard people tlak about the rules changing and I was listening and felt like I didn't know one darn thing about it...

So, I'm trying to get those two things straight in my mind today...is it safe to that boundaries and detachment go hand in hand?

Someone also mentioned that they thought that there were stages to detachment...like first detachment with angry, then detachment with indifference, and eventually you make it to detachment with love...anyone else think that there are stages?

how to you kow when you have gotten to detachment with love?

I would love to hear anyone thoughts and feelings on the subject...

Also, do you think that I'm headed in the right direction of where I have gotten on the path that I needed to be on?

LMAO...see my thinking is clear this morning...I don't have a committee in my head running conversations or imagines of what's going to happen, playing out my part...WORRYING!!!LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think it is great that you are recognizing your need to re-set that boundary. Worry about what you can control.
I think the stages of detachment are real...IMHO, the order is just off... I think it is with anger/love/indifference.

This is almost over...hang in there...you are a strong, capable and brave woman to have fought this battle. You have already won.

MEDC

Good Morning MEDC! Thank you so much for the vote of confidence!

I was making myself miserable...i would see atruck like his on the road and jump clean out of my skin...then, i ran into him a few times and would by shaking afterwards...just went in the opposite direction...

i can't run from him for the rest of my life...that's not a life! That's living in fear and that's continuing to give him control...POWER....

I have to be the one to break that connection and it's not an easy task...

I hated myself for my reaction to him, I hated that I wasn't able to control myself...I felt horrible...

I was trying to find someone with a history like mine to talk to about it but to no success...I was looking for help to figure out how I could overcome the depression that I was sinking into...

There were so many days that i thought it would be easier to go back, but that's not what I wanted, and I now know that there's a better life...it's a struggle to stay in that frame of mind when you are being intimidated like that...or thinking that you are being intimidated with the history that POWS and I have...

I would see him with his arms floded blocking the door to my car or standing on the top step while I was on the phone with my Sponsor asking her what I should do...hearing him tell me "you can leave but you're not taking the kids!" And I won't leave becasue I wasn't going to leave without them...

My Sponsor called back one night that I was really upset with POWs and said "You sound like a whipped puppy!" And I replied to her that I felt like one...I wanted to go to my dad's for the weekend for a cooling off period and he wouldn't let me go with the kids...

I was on the phone with my stepmom and he told me "I don't know who you think you are yelling at!" I didn't think that I was yelling but replied "someone with no intregity!"

Today I can think of those things are it gives me strenght to move on but when I'm feeling intimidated by him, being triggered, my fear grows and I feel hopeless and despair...

I was telling myself that I couldn't do this, but then I would come right back and say but you ARE doing this...

IT just seemed SOOOO VERY hard...i KNWO that this has to be "symptoms" of the control that I have experienced and I just want to get better! FOR ME AND MY BOYS!

Thank you again, it's been a long road to get to TODAY AND MY THOUGHTS!

Just remember ONE things here... POWS is a coward. Anyone that needs to bully a woman like that really has no backbone...deep down inside he is weak and helpless and YOU are the one with the real strength and power.

Hey, Rin.

Wow, just one more week. You've hung in there for a long time, I'm so glad that it's finally getting somewhere for you!

Good job of taking control and getting the meds sorted out. Hopefully they will start to help a little more. I bet you can call your doc's office and tell them that you want something with less addictive potential than whatever sleep-aid they prescribed. You probably don't even need another appointment for that -- they should be able to do it all over the phone. And depending on the pharmacy, you may be able to return whatever sleep aid you just got. They might not give you a refund on it, but it will at least prevent an "early refill" rejection from your insurance company.

Not sure if it will help, but my doc prescribed Ambien for me, and that did the trick for me. There's a controlled release version now that helps you stay asleep all night -- not just fall asleep faster. I didn't use it for long, and once my AD's really kicked in, my need for the ambien tapered off quite a bit. I never felt dependent on it or like I "needed" it. No clue what the general research says about it being addictive, though. Anyway, it helped me so I thought I'd let you know about it if you're still looking for something to try.


I have no clue about detachment, sorry. I do think that you get to set the rules -- your own boundaries -- so they only change if you change them. Your STBX can't just change the rules unless you let him.


When your STBX has been showing up at places, what specifically are you feeling? Are you bothered because you saw him with OW, or do you feel threatened or intimidated or something else ....?

What I'm trying to ask is: do you feel that he's being threatening or is he just a typical WS jerk trying to flaunt his A and make you see how great he's doing without you?

You've had more significant interactions with him before, even spending time alone with him and talking to him about the kids, etc. so I am just wondering what the change was that made him showing up at the same place as you, and parking near you, seem more upsetting to you? Do you think he's become more threatening or unstable?

Or is he just a jerk trying to taunt you?

Either one would be upsetting, I only ask because I think that you'd deal with the two differently.


As for the other children stuff .....
It may not be very helpful to your case if he suddenly has other kids pop into the picture. Other kids could effect the CS calculation, could provide him with justification of why he needs to stay in the house, etc. (Would you have known if he'd been having CS deducted from his paycheck already, while you were still together? I wonder if that could have been already happening?)

You may need to let your lawyer know about the possibility so he can be prepared in case your STBX throws it out there at the last minute. But I think I'd be careful about trying to prove the issue or bringing it up yourself.


Not sure how you address it with the kids. Maybe a good counselor would be the best thing for them. Someone who is neutral between the parents and the kids don't have to worry about getting their approval (kids always want approval from their parents).

F seems to "tell on" his dad a lot to you, and it seems to get you pretty worked up sometimes (whether or not you let him know). Since it's natural for kids to seek approval and attention from a parent, I wonder if F feels like he can get that out of you if he tells you bad things about his dad -- exaggerated or not?

Not that I think you encourage that or try to get him to do that .... I just wondered if he might think that when I was reading your post. A neutral counselor might be able to help with some of that, too, if it's going on.


I really admire how you've beenable to claw through the last several months and keep yourself and your kiddos all sane and functioning. Keep it up -- you're inteh home stretch now!

-AmI.

Hey Rin,

Remember me! I still lurk everyday and keep up, just haven't had any advice or smart a$$ coments to make.

Hang in there, it's getting rough, but you're almost there.

One thing I'm wondering is if you've taken pictures of the house in its current state. If the house looks like he11 and the grass isn't cut and the mortgage is behind, the judge might like to know it.

Also, POWS current behavior now that he's back playin again has me agreeing with going for sole custody. He's clearly demonstrating his complete lack of interest in the kids. This is a horrible environment for them to be in. Those kids need to feel loved and they're not getting it from him. PROTECT THEM!!

That's about it. Going back in my cave now.

Stay strong for the boys, you're all they've got.

When you feel overwhelmed, look at what HAS to happen NOW and what can WAIT. This will cut your load in half. Anxiety instantly reduced to a managebale level.

Just Remember To:

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Keep on Smilin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

AmI:


I'm not really sure at first...like a panic...when I thought I saw his truck on the road the other day, it was like a light switch was flipped, and a rush of fear...like I jumped...

When he showed up at the sitter's it was an "Oh, [censored], he's here!" I rushed out the door with the boys stuff and forgot to kiss them bye...didn't look at POWS, just my way to the car, opened the door, threw the stuff in and rushed off...

Last Tues., it was "Oh, God, there's his truck, what do I do?" Like I couldn't think, he wasn't around, then I drove to the back on the truck and wrote the plate down b/c I didn't have it, then sat there for a second, thinking, what do I do? Then, that's when i saw her, then him, then her again...and I drove off...

So, it's panic...I sincerely have NO problems with him seeing OP...UNLESS it's confusing the kids, harming them, something like that...


he's not doing anything threatening, outside of being RIGHT THERE...and YES, of course, I think he was trying to flaunt his A, Tuesday...like a "I'll show you, I'm with her and I can do anything I want including be by YOU!"

That really scared me b/c I was in the store completely unaware that he was right there...probably watching me from the check out with OW...I felt like I didn't have the time to protect myself should something have happened b/c I didn't know he was there...I mean he parked RIGHT behind me...

I don't trust him as far as I can see him...in his mind I'm destroying HIS life...I'm a threat to him!

As far as OW, or any OW...he can go out and get a STD if he wants too...I don't have to worry about that! I really think that there's more than one woman and they are in the swing community...rethinking what F told me...I think F got it wrong...it's not kids that he was referring too...he was talking to his brother and referring to women...but he was referring to his brother's son as the little @hole!

YES! I do! it's "look at me, you have a restrainting order against me and you can't do anything about it...you can't control me, blah, blah, blah...!" Same thing when i was home!

There's no other kids...I've seen his check stubs for years! just ins., 401K, and taxes coming out!

I also don't think that F LIKES to tell on his dad...not for approval...he's protective of me...I think that he's voicing his stuff...like he's unhappy about his dad's choices b/c he's got a tone to his voice, like he's judging his dad really...

When i went to open house last week, I signed F up for counseling on D...there's a new IC this year and she's offering that. I felt it would be a good thing for him...

LMAO...Sane! WOW, yeah, I can use that word today! it's been rough! Thank you! SOOO very MUCH!!!

BC-HOLY COW! You're alive! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LMAO...I haven't taken pictures, haven't passed by the house in a long time, but I just asked a co-worker what the house looked like and she said she really didn't pay attention the last time that she drove by but will check that out for me. So, thank for the idea...i think that it looked okay the last time that I saw it...????

thanks for climbing up, hope to see you around for a little while!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WEll, I going to head off to bed in a little bit...today has been better...I've been able to think clearer...

I was able to enjoy the radio, the clouds...had a few special moments with the boys...

I was starting to crawl back into my hole...feeling like I couldn't relate to anyone...closing myself off...really feeling some emotional abandonment of my own since I left...

GoD, POWS was so good at that...I think that there are certain things that I am/was feeling that has to be along the lines of what abused woman feel like...when tryign to break the cycle...

It was mostly my emotions that were killing me...my head was keeping me on course...it's all so scary really...

But like I said today was a good day, a clear thinking day...I was able to let the events of this morning go when I faxed it to the Attorney's office...so that was good, that's the Rin before a few weeks ago...that's the Rin that I love and feel confident and proud of...

Not the Rin that was running, living in fear, hating herself for what she was feelings...

So, here I am at the end of this day, doing well...

Tomorrow, I am taking the boys to the movies to see Shrek the Third, and I'm going to laugh with them and enjoy their company, and the movie...and far the rest, we'll see when we get there...

:shrugging:

Good night!

Moring! Yesterday was 15 years we would have been together and the day was JUST great!

I brought the boys to the bookstore to play with the trains, we went to a movie, helped real quick with some runnage sale stuff, and all was well!

I really didn't think that it would bother me and I'm glad that it didn't!

5 days to go! I'll praying that all goes well adn nothing is cancelled and we are home soon!

Rin,

So Happy to hear you and the boys had a great day yesterday!

You are rounding the corner to the home strech! WHOO HOO!!

I can't tell you how glad I am to see (hear) how you have pulled yourself back up again from that slide towards the 'cave' of isolation. You have come so far!

I am confident the court date will happen and all will be well for you and the boys. Prayers are powerful & you have SO many raising them up on your behalf. Hope you know we are all here for you!

Have a great day

OH, BUGS! Thank you so much for those inspiring words...my chin buckled up like I wanted to cry, LMAO...but not like last weeks with Frog's post...

It was good...I am so grateful to have you and everyone else in my life...

We did have a good weekend...today I brought the boys swimming at a friend's house, we had the pool to ourselves...I soak up the sun easy, well, the boys too...the tops of my thighs are the only thing were a little uncomfortable after we came home...

So, needless to say I got a tan, big white strip down the middle of my back...LMAO...we had fun...I REALLY ENJOYED PLAYING WITH THEM IN THE POOL!! I laid in my boat, L laid in his boat, we'd go under the "Rain"...I had the watergun, L had the watergun...F did his own thing...LMAO

I got out and L told me to come back in because it was no fun without me in the pool...talk about felt great to hear that one!!! I was ABLE to RELAX, just floating around in the pool, I CAN'T remember the last time I did that...and I thought I need to get one of these!!

L and I watched part of the USF and Auburn game, I asked if he wanted to watch the game with me and I would explain what was happening...he was rootign for Auburn and I was rooting for South Florida...brought back memories of me doing the same thing with my SD...rooting for the opposite team!

So, TODAY, and YESTERDAY were good days, complete blessing...back to enjoying the little things...like watcing L clean up his cookie crumbs...F saying something and laughing at him...I've missed that these passed few weeks...

It's good to be back! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If I had ANY ADVICE for the BS, don't leave home if you can help it...I had to leave...but if you ahve the choice, Don't!

Until tomorrow, I'm going jump in a hot shower, read some, and snuggle with my wild, leg and arm flinging bed partner...I may nto have that opportunity much longer...better "enjoy" it while I can! LMAO

GOOD MORNING! I hope that everyone is well this morning and had a great weekend!

I enjoyed mine with the boys!

I was thinking something last night or in the middle of the night that I need to change my perceptive on being unhealthy. I need to start thinking of myself as a healthy individual...

I mean sure I have some character defects that need to be parred back but for so long I thought I was the sick one in the M. And as we can see I'm healthy compared to the thinking of my STBX...I think that I was trashed so much that I began thinking I was the sick one when in reality I'm not...

Being told so often that I would never be happy, and finding today that I am...the littlest things can make me happy...

The clouds in the sky
a shooting star (I saw two last night!)
a smile on the boys' faces...
a good cup of coffee
a good conversation with someone
a light breeze blowing, one that you can tell that fall is approaching...
one of the boy's saying something off the wall and making me laugh...
one of them snuggling up against me to watch TV...

There's so many great things to be happy about...

So, I have to say that was one of the not so great things about the M...

Another thing that I have come to realize from reading this book "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans is that STBX IS made up from the outside in...I can look all the way back to our college days and remember how he would take on the charateratics of another individual...saying their catch phrases...liking the things that they liked...

This was not in my nature...I was not one to jump on the band wagon...if something was popular and it wasn't for me, well, it wasn't for me...I was the creative odd ball out sometimes...and I was okay with that...

I can see where things started tog o down hill...with the birth of our first son, but it wasn't until the birth of our second son that things really started to roll down the hill...I was giving alot of my attention to the boys and their care...I was growing up and maturing, not wanting to go certain places, thinking of myself more as a mother...

Coming to terms with my morals...and STBX still wanted the girl that he met in college...the party, wild girl, who gave all of her attention to STBX except to study and then sometimes, I didn't do what I needed to do with my studying becuase of him...

I wanted to teach my boy's better than some of the things that we were doing...I stopped doing things that I thought didn't fit into my lifestyle...this DID NOT MAKE STBX happy...and he would get mad often becasue I didn't do certain things or want to do certain things...

It's really a shame that we grew apart like we did...if we lived in a perfect world, I would definitily want to keep my M, but since we don't I have to do what's best for me and the boys...one of those things is teaching them about God and religion...

I sincerely hope that STBX has a good life, I wish him the best...I firmly believe that an individual has a right to live his life as he/she sees fit, although I may not agree with the way that they live it...I think it's a shame that I can see him destroying his life and he can't see it, I really do...

But he's the one that has to wake up to reality, not me, I'm grounded in reality...mourning my loses and praying for good things for me and the boys everyday...knowing that WE will be okay!

I have learned a GREAT DEAL from this book, and I'm still learning how to deal with some other things that I struggle with...just doing the best I can do with what I have today!

4 days to go! WHOO HOOOOOOOO! Feeling good...at ease, right now, like being wrapped in a blanket, secure in the fact that I have done all I can do to prepare for Friday!

Rin:
Glad you are in a good spot. You really sound great.

I can relate to SO much of what you say, especially the timeline about kids, etc. Personally, I think much of it can be attributed to just plain lack of maturity. Are you willing to take responsibilities for your actions like an adult? Are you willing to honor your commitments like an adult? Are you willing to put your children's needs first like an adult? Are you willing to think of life and relationships as investments, with ups and downs and a long-term gain, like an adult? Are you willing to find contentment with small wonders in life, or will you always long for excitement and a fast pace?

The behavior and apparent thought patterns of a WS just seems to mirror that of an adolescent. Even your "outside in" theory is sort of the way one is in middle or high school...always trying to fit in.

You, my dear, are an adult. Congratulations! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you SIS! I hope that things are going well for you too!I definitily agree with you on the child like state...

You know in eight years, STBX before I left, had MAYBE picked up the kids from the sitter a doze times...it would have interferred with his free time according to him...when asked to watch the kids he would act put upon...

LMAO...I'm proud to be the adult! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yeap, in a really great place today, my boss even brought me to lunch today! The perks of the job! LMAO

I'm going to have a really busy week and I'm happy to have it too!

Well, back to work for me! Responsiblity calls! LMAO
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Back to losing my posts on a semi regular basis.

I wrote something really good now I can't remember.

Had something to do with living in the today. I mentioned the Tim Mcgraw song "live like you were dying" even though I am not a country music fan.


You are looking forward to Friday as the last day. Seems like you are getting really excited. Life is great.

What if it is postponed again.

Plan for the worst and hope for the best. Have some plan in place if they postpone or the Judge decides to give him the house etc.

Good luck