I agree with Frog. He is dead on with that advice. I can tell you with absolute certainty that none of my court dates went as planned. There were delays, more delays, and intimidation tactics used. I hung in there though. There was more than one hearing where the two lawyers had worked out an agreement ahead of the hearing, only to have WH's attorney show up the day of the hearing and propose some crazy BS from out in left field to try and throw us off. They did this several times, usually regarding custody. In retrospect I think they did it to make me appear "unaccomodating and unreasonable" to the judge. It didn't work. My attorney and I also quickly realized that this was my WH's doing and not his attorney. We finally reached a settlement that was in my favor because I stuck it out and didn't give in. I ended up with sole custody of DD2 (with visitation every other weekend for WH), close to the full amount of court ordered CS, and complete ownership of the marital home including almost all the furniture. Don't give up or get discouraged even if this one hearing doesn't resolve all the issues in your divorce. There will most likely be more hearings after this one, or mediation. Be happy if you get a temporary custody agreement in place, that is a significant accomplishment in your situation (given POWS attitude to date). I wish you luck and will be praying for you and the boys.

Hi you two! I hear the both of you...My main prayer is that nothing happens to this court date...

Thank you both for the luck and prayers...I appreicate that...and the fact that you both are looking out for me!

I know that postponing is a possibility...

(((((FROG & LL))))))

Rin,

Glad Frog said it "Hope for the Best. Prepare for the Worst'. Right on advice there!

One day at a time, before, during and after this week, right?

You are doing great. You will likely find your emotions on a bit of a rollercoaster this week, so prepare for that as well.

You are doing GREAT!

HI BUGS! THank you ma'am! I appreciate the tip...

My plate's full this week I can tell you that! Tues., Thurs, and Friday...Board meeting...lawyer meeting, orientation for the boys at religion, my regular meeting tomorrow at lunch, then tomorrow night, and Thurs. Night! I have plenty to keep my mind from going down the tube...

I finished reading Controlling People today...that was a really great book! I would recommend it highly...I ahve a new one on it's way, recommended my PBS (E), about boundaries that I'm looking forward to reading...now, I'm going to finish the other book that I have been reading called "Opening our Heart:Transforming Our Losses".

It's an Al-anon book about dealing with grief...

Today wasa great day...poor L, he's ahving a rough time adjusting to Kindergarden...I picked him up today and he was sleeping again...I got him home,and he went to sleep on the sofa, so I carried him to bed and I laided down with him for a while...

He hasn't even done his homework yet...guess he's really missing that nap during the day...

F went right to his homework tonight, all done when I got up, he was eating supper with Spon. and her H...so I sat down and ate with them...then, I got F on teh computer to type out his spelling words...figure that might help him...

He did half tonight and I'll get him to do half tomorrow night...then we'll take a spelling test and see if he learns them better this way...if so, then I've found something that works for him...

So, which Angel am I again? Am I Jackie? I forgot! LMAO...

Well, I'm off for some walking and star gazing..then to bed...There's a patio in the back ont he house and by the time I leave I will probably have to repaint the path that I walk over and over again...

This mornign when I was up at 5:30 I saw two shooting stars...the stars WERE SO BRIGHT...and the first one I saw was a long shooting stream of light...the second one was littler...reminded me of watching a meteor shower with my mom once as a kid...I was delighted...

I'm in a good frame of mind...preparing myself...writing a list of questions...focusing on me...OCCASSIONALLY STBX will pop into my mind but now I'm able to say to myself, I'm not thinking about that and move on...last week I just couldn't do that...I'd tell myself to stop, pray and ask God to help me stop and it just wasn't happening...this week IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER!

That was a horrible place to be!! This week's goal is to live life on life's terms!

Strivin... have you seen my thread on Detachment with Love?

I think this thread might also help, from long long ago: Bramblerose - need help with Acceptance

thanks for the props Rin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Link to the book - http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/0310247454

I started this class last Wednesday at church. It's part 2 of the Divorce Recovery program they offer (part one was DivorceCare).

Hope you enjoy it, it's probably a book all of us could learn from.

Sorry for the Thread Jack - IAPBS - no news is never good news in your court and your last official update was 8/27 - progress? Set backs? What am I praying for this week?

Striving - Have you picked up the 4 Agreements yet? I've been listening to it on CD lately as I drive to work. Definitely worth listening to right now.

KA - thanks for asking. Will post an update.

back to you Rin.

BR- Thank you for your post, I loved the one on Detach with Love...Outstanding post!!!

PBS- I know that you are concerned about posting if you would like to do a brief update on my thread you are more than welcome!

KA- I haven't heard of the 4 agreements...I'll check it out today...I should be able to find it on Amazon...

I have a question, I was reading that book and I was wondering...I noticed some of those behavior that POWS was doing that I did myself...but I'm not doing them anymore...I was wondering if that had something to do with being out of the situation or is it common for the person who doesn't have those behavior to take on some of the Controllling behaviors of the controler...

I was constantly being told that I was trying to control him, that if it wasn't my way it was no way...I personally didn't think so, but being told that I was trying to control him all the time, I have tried to honestly look at myself to see if I have done some of these things...

I was trying to end C with OW, and I didn't like him going to "the store"...I can see how he would see that as controlling...

I just would like to get some of this straight in my mind...

I would appreciate some help looking at myself in terms of controlling behavior...I can see it with the kids but I can't see if with him...

Thank you all for your time and I appreicate every post!!!

3 days to go! Praying we actually get this part done so that I can have some closure!

Rinders,

I tried to control my DH's emotions...make him happy, avoid his anger, coax him out of feeling sad...I wouldn't say this or do that because of his usual response. I predicted and assumed him, which I believe, is controlling.

He saw me as controlling because, as he later found out in therapy, he was very controlling. He used presence and withdrawal, in careful measures, and gave himself permission to do this, to lessen his fear (controlling his own emotions, not acts from them), and only saw me as the one causing his discomfort or pain.

We both saw in the other what was in us. And we both escalated and continued these behaviors by using the other as a mirror to who we were...

Your mirror isn't there any more, Rin. That's my take. The loop broke when you removed yourself. We aren't made controlling...which is why I object to "Controlling People" title. We act that way; we aren't.

Not a condition...a choice. Mostly an unconscious one (repeatedly) from fear. Once you became aware, you freed yourself. See if you have any mirrors (not the kids) going on right now...and check those areas to see if you did what I did...or do what you did with STBX.

You couldn't end STBX's contact with OW. None of us can. Not in our control. What you did was state your boundary...you would only do a two-person marriage. And you would guard your boundaries...and when he didn't/wouldn't, he put your marriage at risk. His choices. Then you made yours.

LA

Guilty!! I would try to coax him out of the silent treatment, act if nothing was wrong not to have him mad, I can see that very clear...

No, I don't have any mirrors...this makes a lot more sense to me now...what was it that Frog or someone linked to about the dance...I can see that Extremely clear now...there's no bouncing off anyone now...

I can hear something and not take it personally...MOF, (pat myselfon the back) Sponsor told me the other night that I was healthy...this is what make me decide to change my thinking...I kept telling myself that I was unhealthy, and I need to be telling myself that I am healthy...

I'd made some good choices that have resulted in some good behavior changes...that's healthy! So, I'm making a point not to tell myself that I'm unhealthy anymore! I'm not sick, i'm not perfect, definitily human...but not sick!

Thank you LA, it would have been nice if STBX would have made different choices, but since he didn't...I know today that I have to live for me...be happy for me...

Forever grateful to you and your sharing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (LMAO...said in that child like state!)

Rin,

No mirrors? You mentioned one. These aren't the large, sole-defining mirrors of your STBX (which is normal, how we do relationships before we know better). These are small mirrors, still mirrors.

Big kudos on hearing your own child-perspective. That's the key...we need all of ourselves through awareness...includes all we were for who we really are...being aware which one we're in...which one is speaking and why...heck, isn't that healthy?

We are whole...and act in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. I see you really experiencing that now...on and off for months now...which is normal. It's a process. We go for decades defining ourselves as sick, defective, wrong...instead of our actions. You're practicing. You're running the scales. Won't protect you from defining yourself that way again...will sure give you strong signals when you do...out of love for yourself.

Now, I've given you a bit of mirroring in this post...and I think you can consider all the small mirrors...even your rearview one...your compact mirror...I know you looked for the large one hanging in front of you...see the small ones.

Mirrors aren't bad...we connect through them...to each other. Making one person your sole mirror was an extreme...no one mirroring would be the opposite. Think maybe in the middle is where you are/you're headed?

I believe you that you don't take others' stuff as your own now. You look for what's your part...which is why Alanon ROCKS for me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

We're not the all or nothing. We are. You are experiencing being...might feel isolating or lazy...something stored in your belief system about it...sure won't feel known and comfortable yet. This is practice. Makes a pattern...a new pattern for us.

Thanks for BEING here.

LOL

LA

LMAO...I have to agree that Al-Anon Rocks!!! I will be celebrating a year this month on the 28th! OMG, I was SOOOO scared that night I walked into those doors! ANd then there's today...Member of the board, helping to organize more meeting in the area...LMAO...NOW THAT ROCKS!

Mirroring...okay, that would be SPonsor...then, you, or Frog, PBS, my Al-anon friends, co-workers...okay...

i'll have to go read that thread I think I saw on mirroring!

I think the key to awareness of our child like state is wanting to use the words, always, forever, never, etc...I listen to the kids when they talk and sometimes have to laugh...I don't say anything when they use them, their kids!

I guess another mirror would be the kids like L telling me that it's MORE FUN when I'm in the pool with him...that was cool!

Kind of validation too, MOM'S FUN! COOL!

Definitily the middle is where I'm headed, where I would like to be, parring back to reasonable, rational...not saying I would swing again, but I'll have to tools to recognize what's happening and be able to do something about myself...

LMAO...adore YOU BEING HERe TOO! LMAO
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Says who? There is always the remote possibility he made worse choices then he did. The only choice he could have made would have and should have been independant of you and your M. The choice was to be a better healthier man.
If that made you happye then maybe it would have helped.

Exactly how it should be. In a good relationship aren't we really two Whole's coming together to make something better.
I don't like the whole two halfs coming togehter idea.
I am quite sufficient on my own. I don't NEED anyone. I WANT companionship but only to enrich my life.

So you Rin are doing great. You will do well.

Your STBX will also do fine as well.There are plenty of women and men out there with very little self respect and he will find one. That fits right into the world he beleives is right. He doesn't need to change he just needs to find someone that thinks the same way he does.

Afternoon Frog! yes, I meant that choice...a better healthier MAN...one who did right by his family and has intregity...Oh, well! I'm sure that he will not have any problems filling the void!

Anyway, Plato's theory? HA, I use to love that theory but today, I don't believe in it like you...I definitily want a whole person...not dependent upon me to make them happy...

It's funny I was just thinking about Plato yesterday and his theory...I use to think that it was SOOO romantic in college...OMG, that was a long time ago! LMAO

Oh, tidbit for court of Friday, no CS this month! LMAO, I hoping that I DON'T get it before court! Just something else to add to his list!

Well, back to work!

Rin,

Just wanted to say hi before turning in for the night. You are rockin' right now! Keep your chin up and chest out.

BTW - I believe you are Kelly of the Angels. I am pretty sure that you and Sis chimed in real quick and I was stuck being the Farrah Fawcett Angel. That might have been a good thing back then, but not so much these days! Hmmmmm,,,,, here's hoping I don't turn out like her!! There's a phrase around here for that - -- "looking like she was rode hard & put away wet". Wild will understand that one. he he!

Good nite & have great dreams!

Morning BUGS! LMAO...Thanks for letting me know, I'm not sure who Kelly is! LMAO...As far as Farrah, I haven't seen her...so I still that that GREAT IMAGINE on her in my head!

I'll stick with that one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, I woke the boys up playing and tickling them this morning! I didn't hear I'm tired or I don't want to go to school! So, it's a good morning!

F also inform me yesterday that HN1's kids are not at school and haven't been for a little while...they also didn't show up to religion orientation last night, F thinks that they have moved! WHOO HOO!

Outside of that it's HUMP Day and it's started out well! 2 days to go, lawyer meeting tomorrow! Still no CS! Life is good! Especially with nothing to do tonight, so I get to go home and rest! Plenty to do here at work that I have to take care of but I can handle that and it makes for the day to go by faster!

Well, let me get my cup of coffee this morning! Oh, I read October 17th that SDguy was talking about...it was good! Oh, our meeting last night was on detactment, so I got to share my thoughts and the things that were mentioned here! Thank you all for that one! Have a good day!

Rin:
Glad you got the book. Maybe we should start a thread for everyone who is reading it these days. Me, you, SD, still...anyone else? A little on-line book club.

I find it really helpful to just go through and pick a day or two (and I usually end up reading more)...it is really soothing. I can't think of another way to describe it.

You are doing great, Rin. Prayers for you on Friday.

(((hugs)))

Sis

Thanks, SIS! I think that's a wonderful idea...LMAO...are you going to be the one that starts that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Perhaps we can post the day and then discuss it...get some feedback...I'm sure that it will help other here also...

I was just telling Still that I feel really good about Friday...that God is the only one that can do for me right now...I have done the footwork that I needed to do and that it's in his hands now...I'm sure that it will work out exactly the way that it needs too!

I also have my Sponsor coming to my meeting with my Attorney tomorrow, b/c sometimes I don't get what he's saying or perhaps it's so much info that I'm not able to process it all...I forget what he said...

I do have a list of questions for him that I have been adding to all week...most are on the custody, but some are on the property part!

Well, let me get back to work! Thanks for checking in on me this morning!