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i WAS WONDERING IF ME WANTING TO INVITE HIM WITH US to trick r treat IS A RESULT OF SEEING HIM YESTERDAY...
I've tried asking myself, why would you want to do this and I haven't got an answer...
perhaps some part of me wants to see what he's like...confirmation that the same old is there...I really don't know...perhaps even wishful thinking on my part...
Gullen for more abuse? I don't know where this is coming from...
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Strivin, about Halloween, maybe think about it and clarify your intent first? Do you feel happy or sad when you think about it? Are you trying to fix something that is his to fix? Or maybe you liked how he'd get spooky, and wanted to share that with the kids? Maybe wait until he asks?
About the dating, I liked what noodle had to say on LostBoy's thread on InRecovery. Have you seen it, or should I link it?
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Hi Eo! When I first thought about asking it was so that he wouldn't miss out on that time with them...
That's what i was thinking when I first posted the question, then I started second guessing myself, wondering if I was trying to find an excuse to spend time with him...
I don't think that's it...if I remember correctly, I know last year he was working ngiths and we were by his work after trickr'treating, and the year before he didn't go at all...reason I'm not sure...
I also wonder if I'm still grieving what was and wanting that in some way...part of the illusion...
Maybe still trying to fix what is not mine to fix, this is another consequence of his choices...he's not one to dress up or anything like that, heck he doesn't even call them, and Friday he picked them up early without my approval...almost 40 minutes early before the stated time...
i just TMed him and said that he wasn't suppose to pick them up until 5:30...I didn't get a reply...
As far as LostBoy's thread, I would love a link, I haven't read it...and I'm interested in reading it! I would greatly appreciate it...
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Did he pick them up early from a sitter? Or from you? Did he take them out of school or away from a school function?
I think that picking them up early from a sitter could possibly fall under right of first refusal .... might not be a hill to die on. Besides, if you knew the boys were just going to be at a sitter until you showed up, and for some reason you'd be able to get them early, wouldn't you?
Halloween ..... you've kind of gone back and forth on whether you feel threatened by him. How would you feel if you were spending a whole evening together? How would the boys feel about it? Would they get "mom and dad are getting back together" hopes up? If things got uncomfortable, would you be able to tell the boys "dad is un-invited and has to go home"? Would you be albe to tell STBX, in front of the boys? Lots of logistics that you'd have to think through. What about dropping them off with him for half an hour or so to go trick-or-treat in his neighborhood? Or having someone else take them by his place for pictures for a few minutes? Might be some other possible options.
-AmI.
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When I posted that the other day, I was just missing the feeling of sharing experiences with someone, like being somewhere with the kids and seeing them do something funny while being with your spouse...that kind of silly situation that creates memories and history within the family. I think this is part of my thinking right now! With the Halloween thing... On the dating thing, I do miss "being" with someone and I'm no talking about SF...just together time... What I'm looking for would take a LONG time to get to anyway... Anyway, thank you for sharing that with me...like LB said it was an eyeopener... AMI- He picked them up early from the sitter's...in the judgement it says 5:30pm on Friday to 7pm on Sunday...I see your point on Halloween...I'm just going to leave that whole thing alone...it would be easier that way...besides, he's living with OW during the week and So far going out of town when HE DOES chose to spend time with them...this weekend he didn't handed them off to his mom and SD... I think that I'll deal with them by myself...less confusion for everyone involved...
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Okay, I had to walk to the warehouse and on the walk I think, am pretty sure that it's withdrawal...
it's the lonely feeling, the craving of being with someone...but the question of dating came up before I saw him yesterday...the feeling sprang up today...
Still somewhere in my mind wishing things were different and I could have my family together...this is where the Halloween thing is coming from and I just as soon let sleeping dogs lie...
Truth of the matter is he still treats us like dirt...things are not going to change and I will have to deal with this withdrawal thing...
it would be nice if a FWS could identify their withdrawal for me...I know that I've had these feelings before...it's not really longing to be with POWS...it's a longing for ENs to be met and like I mentioned it's not SF either...it's more of the companionship...
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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RIN-
I KNOW what you mean... I want to "BE" with somoene too...
I would NOT invite him to Halloween. Because he dumps the kids off at his parents all of the time. Because if he WANTED to spend more time with them HE COULD.
On the dating, is there someone that you are interested in? Since you ARE going through a D, I do NOT think that it is too terrible to think about... I understand WHERE you are coming from...
I miss the companionship of a R. I miss the SF of a R. But, I have adjusted, I am ok WITH or WITHOUT it... Which is a place that I did not think I would be at... BUT, I do long for a R somewhere down the line, where I can flirt, kiss, whatever...
In good time...
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HI, Sadmo! No there's no one that I'm interested in...I just really think about it and long for it...I still have five months to get this D over... I was reminded tonight why I shouldn't invite him...besides you are right...oh, do you know that his parents are four hours away? LMAO...YEAH! THat's the shame... Anyway, I'm over feelings lonely, it comes and goes from time to time... WE went to Spon. house for supper tonight...YOU KNOW her house just isn't the same without us there...LMAO...no kids yelling, no dog chasing the kids and barking...well, she got all of that tonight!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> AND, SHE SURPRISED ME with a b-day gift and an ice cream cake! IT WAS WONDERFUL!!! Fudge, Oreo cookie crumbs, Reese's peanut butter and choclate! OH TO DIE FOR AND CAN YOU believe she MADE me take the rest home? YES, she did! So, we'll be having ice cream cake again tonight and I won't regret NO A BIT!!! I told Ears Open, that I would be celebrating today and carrying that over to my B-day! LMAO.... ANyway, we were sitting at the table and OS was doing his homework and said to me...Oh, BTW, MIL doesn't hate you but she doesn't like some of the things that you say to us about dad, that he's a bad person, etc...Spon. said that sounds like a lot of assumptions...I said "OS, do I do that?" He said NO, and I tried to tell her that! I remember my grandma talking bad about my mom and I would try to correct her...I remember how I felt about her being wrong...I even called her a witch one time...so I don't need to do anything about that sitch either... BUT, I'm thinking that if I have this first right to refusal in place, then that includes MIL and FIL...I don't know how much of this I can cut out but I can try...that's the most I can do! That's time that "I" could have spent with them! BEsides I don't like the fact that the kids were four hours away and I had NO idea...what if something happened to them... I think that this is another way of POWs trying to control things...the whole picking them up early...no telling me or asking me about picking them up, blah, blah, blah... Anyway, I need to head back to bed...I did a little reading in the Book of Job tonight...Spon. recommended it a while back but I couldn't find my Bible...no wonder it was in a box of clothes and not with my other books! LMAO... LMAO...progress NOT perfection! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Rin,
I understand what you are saying about knowing where your kids are and having a say in it. However, as someone said earlier, is this a hill on which you wish to make a stand?
Put the shoe on the other foot. Not that I support POWS, but what if you took them somewhere on a weekend with your family? Do you want to have to notify POWS every time you are more than say an hour away? Just something to think about.
I have had the urge to "play nice" for Halloween, but I have managed to stick it out. I realized that while it would be "nice", by allowing/asking Drac to come along trick or treating with us it would mess up a lot of things. First, it would confuse the kids. Second, it would confuse me. Third, although I hate it for them, *I* did not choose for it to be this way. It's time to make new memories and traditions,,,as hard as it can be sometimes.
So, for today, Your Assignment, Fellow Angel is to have a GREAT BIRTHDAY!!! Leave all of this aside for a day and do something fun for Rin!
Happy Birthday Sweetie!
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Don't do anything that would remove the protection of the RO - I believe that is still in place, correct?
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Thank YOU BUGS! I appreciate the thoughts...after AmI mentioned it, it all fell into place and is aligned with what you are saying...I completely agree with the two of you! Today has started out great! I got on the scale this morning and I've lost 12 lbs...WOO HOO! Downfall the new suits that I just bought in July are falling off my waist...good news I got into a beautiful 6 suit that was in my closet that still had the tags on from before I left! I figure it's GODDESS DAY! Might as well shine! High heels, beautiful suit...makeup...it's the day to rule! Seize the day and make it mine! So, BUGS, I'm on it Lady Angel! I was going to call my lawyer about first right to refusal but it can wait until tomorrow...being that even him giving the kids to the ILs would be in voilation of this if I'm thinking correctly... I had to go to school the other day and put a stop to MIL calling the school, only happened once but that was enough, and calling OS out of class to talk to him...telling him "Just b/c your mom says your dad is bad, doesn't make it so!" and then telling him that his bike would be home that afternoon, which didn't happen for another week...there's no reason that child should be distracted from his school work...professional couresty or not...so that was solved! So, PLAN OF ACTION: HAVING A GRREAATT DAY!!! I'm on it, it's my mission! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Happy Birthday Rin! Sounds like you look fabulous today, hope you hold your head up and FEEL fabulous today.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Thank you SL! I'm go to go today! The kids and I were yelling at the top of our lungs this morning, "It's Mom's birthday!" I got plenty of hugs! JUST WHAT I NEEDED!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Happy Birthday to You!!
Happy Birthday to You!!
Happy Biiirrtthhdaayy dearrr Rin---innnn!
Happy Birthday to You!!
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Thank you PM!!! Great to see you drop by! It's a great day to share with my friends!!! WHO KNOWS what the day has in store! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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I have found something else to celebrate today!!! It's 200 days that POWS has been served!! HURRAY!!!
55% through!!! Way to go ME!!!!
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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??????????????
POWS just TMed me with "Happy Birthday!!!"
???????????
I just replied "Thank you!!!"
?????????
What IS THIS?????
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Happy Birthday, S4B! You are such an awesome person, and thanks for your contribution to the board, too!
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Happy Birthday, Rin!
Have a really great day!!
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