HURRAY! With some courage, LOL, Alot of it!!!! I figured out this heater thing and it's running!

This was something that I didn't have a clue about...in the seven years that we had been in the house I never touched it...had no clue where to begin and BAM...looked at it like it was an alien from other planet...played with that knob, thought about it, and I figured it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The pilot light had never been out and I never knew how to lite it...it was one of the thing on my list that I was clueless about...well, not anymore...

it's funny how those little things seems sooo HUGE when you don't know and to "get it" is sooo AWESOME...That was a major fear of mine...it breaking and having to replace it...

Fear be GONE!!! LOL

Good Morning! Just posting to let everyone know that I'm still alive! LOL

new computer's up and running at home, so AWESOME!!! Thanks again to that other brother of mine!

Since I had company this weekend I didn't do a whole lot of work, just really relaxed and enjoyed the time off...BBQed at another friend's house, hung out and laughed alot picking on each other...It was absoletely awesome to enjoy great company!

I laughed at myself so much this weekend...getting to the airport wasn't so bad but going home was interesting...then the trip back to the airport yesterday was easy...that made up for Friday's adventure! LOL

I did get a call from MIL on Sat., ggod thing that I had someone to listen to the message that FIL left on my voice mail...I told MIL that she was enabling POWS and she went on to say something about the CS that POWS pays me...I just said goodbye and hung up! Basicly, I'm suppose to pack clothes for these boys every weekend that they go with him...

According to POWs he doesn't have room to keep clothes for them...he IS living in his camper...yeah right! We got into it about first right to refusal...he said that I'm still trying to control him...I told him that it was the law...and repeated that several times...

He was almost an hour late dropping the boys off...I didn't talk to him when he got to the driveway, just took the bad of clothers from him, handed him his mail and went inside and locked the door...

So I'm still documenting...and I'm hoping that he screws up enough that I can limit the visitation that he has now...OH, he tried to tell me that the court gave his mom a weekend a month...I said no they didn't...that time was for you! This is where the control comment came in, because he said something about what if I have to work...I said you call me then I give them back after you get off of work...

See this stops him from handing them off to his mom, 4 hours away...heck, I TMed him 10 minutes after 7 to ask where they where, didn't get a call back until about 20 minutes after...said it was traffic...but OS mentioned that it was Step-BIL that made them late...

The whole night was frustrating...so I'm not sure what to do on the clothes thing...YS asked me this morning on the way to school why I was unhappy last night when dad dropped them off that I'm usually happy...he said that he didn't mind carrying clothes back and forth to his dad's...

I don't know I'm open to ideas...I knew I shouldn't have asnwered that call Sat...MOF, I thought when MIL started talking that something had happened to OS, but it was about clothes and his eyeglasses that he had broke on the Thurs., which I called an ordered a new pair first thing Friday...

Oh, OS asked me if FIL had called an cussed me out b/c he heard him say something on his cell phone in the living rrom...I told him that he did call but I didn't asnwer the call...he wanted to tell me what was said and I told him that I didn't want to know...

I let my "BIG brother" listen to the voicemail and I asked if there was anything that I needed to know and he said NO!...So I left it at that...

I'm hoping to hear something from my lawyer soon...I'm ready to get on to the next part of the settlement...MOF, POWS asked me if I wanted him to keep the kid's clothes in his storage...I thought to myself that's not my problem where you keep their stuff...he was saying something about not having cable and living in substandard condition...ALSO NOT MY PROBLEM, NOT MY CHOICE!!!

The whole thing was crazy...

Well, how much room can 2 or 3 boys' outfits take? The way my son and his ex worked it when she had custody was that he had a few outfits for the kids at his house. During the weekend, he would wash the outfits that the kids wore over to his house, and he would send them home in the freshly wsahed clothes. During the visit, they wore the clothes that he kept for them.

No big deal at all! In fact, I also keep clothes at my house for the kids...just in case of impromptu "spend the night" occasions.

Hi LC...Thanks for dropping by...

I wouldn't think that it's no big deal...I talked to my para about it and she didn't think that it was a big deal either but I can't make him do it...so I pack clothes for them in the future...she said personally she didn't want her kids to feel like they were going visit their dad and packing a bag would make them feel like that...

Well, we know it's not about what's in the best interest of the kids, it's all about him and how easy can he get it...

I had a few other things to tell her about too...I got one of the bills that POWS was court ordered to pay and he didn't pay it last month...

So, I faxed it to her...

I'm fed up with his CRAP...

Okay, I've come to the conculsion that it's not that important as far as the clothes thing...

Frog- I heard you saying in my head "How important is it?"

And frankly, it's more important that my kids have clothes THAN TO waste my energy with POWS...

Amen Rin. You get no payoff in putting any energy into anything with POWS.

Be still and know that He is God.

Thank you, I am trying to remember to breathe and be still...

i can't seem to get that committee out of my head...I'm wanting to lash out at him...knowing that I can't...higher road and all...

i think that it is a good night to do some reading in my recovery bible...perhaps I need to ask someone to pray for POWS and his family...like Sis did b/c I can't...I'm only wishing bad things for him in my head right now!

Rin,

Tell me what EXACTLY has you so wound up about POSWS?

We BOTH know it's not the clothes,,,,,,,

Morning! I think TBH Bugs it had a lot to do with MIL calling me about clothes then FIL calling too...the combination of all of those things just set me off...

I think that it was just reacting to the whole thing...

I KNOW that they don't know the half of it and that they are blaming me for this whole thing...WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!! We could have worked on things through MC, but he didn't want that...he didn't want to protect the family adn the marriage...THAT'S not MY fault...IF I had things MY way I would STILL be in a M working things out...

Personally, I'm sick of getting the blame, doesn't mean I'm accepting it...I want to be loved the way that God intended, to be treated with respect and to be cherished...

I figured it up the other day, I've been dealing with this sitch for well over 18 months...18 months from D-day...and months before that when I knew he was "just" tlaking to her...so, we're tlaking two years...

POWS is a lair and a con artist...I'm pissed that I'm in the position that I am in and I want true companiship, a team mate, someone to love...I want someone to share my day with...

Okay, I'm going to stop now, I didn't sleep well last night...I went to bed earlt, actually fell asleep on the sofa and woke up, sneezed, and I think that I pulled a muscle in my neck or something...it hurts down into my should blade in the back...I'm cranky and tired...This morning wasn't the best, YS missed the bus AGAIN...lots to do today...at least I don't have to cook...

let me get back to work...LOL...I wasn't wound up until I read your post then I just let it go...Thank you! it was stirring around in there somewhere...I get mad at him still from time to time...wish he would fall off the earth when I do...most other times I'm cool with him...

The kids asked to call him last night, said POWS had asked them to call him during the week...

...I'm going! Thanks for posting to me! Seeing how I am...

(((((((RIN)))))))

Frustrating stuff.

Sounds like the IL's are getting into the mix, that can be so frustrating. They're only hearing one side of the story, though, and it's not hard to believe that STBX might use you as the scapegoat with them, so maybe their attitude is a little bit understandable -- even if not appropriate.

Maybe you need a standard phrase to use with them -- about everything -- CS, packing clothes, right of first refusal, where the kids spend time -- whatever it is, refuse to discuss it with them. "MIL, I believe you have the kids best interest at heart, but you're only hearing one part of the story. This is something that STBX and I will work out."

Repeat as neccessary, especially that last sentence. 5 times in the same call if you have to.

I think that it's probably in your and the kids best interests to keep a civil relationship with the IL's. If the kids can see you being polite and behaving appropriately (and your ODS is a heck of an observer, so he'll notice) then they are less likely to buy into any bad-mouthing that happens on the other end.

Seeing you behave and be polite and appropriate will pretty much discount any of the comments they hear (or over-hear) like: "Your mom never does ....." or "Your mom is so difficult..." or "That Rin, I chewed her out good! All she wants to do is fight and cause problems!" or whatever it is that's going on. Your kidswil know better because they will have seen how you actually act.

Hi AmI...I think that it's more of the same pattern with POWS...getting OP involved...first the HNs...now the ILs...and it is frustrating...thank you for the suggestion, I will indeed use it given they call again...

OS tested in listening skills 98%...he's awesome at hearing things...picking things up...

I think that OS does see and know the truth...

YS still doesn't understand...

I've got some others things that I'm frustrated about too...some boundary issues...seeing where the lack stems from...

LOL...It's E's fault...he commended the book "Boundaries" to me by Dr. Henry & Dr. John Townsend...haven't been pushing myself to read it...I've had it for over a week and I'm only on page 53...not me...

I see that I had a major problem with lack of boundaries in my M and I recently had a problem with that...saw it and am not trying to stand my ground...delayed gratification...frustrating...relearned that there's a thin line between hoping and expectations...

I'm really kicking myself today and I'm pretty disappointed...but like I said I'm tired and hurting a little...my neck has loosen a little bit...so that is adding to my mood today...

I've been pulling back from people too...

I was reminded the other day to be still! SO, that's what I'm trying to do right now...be still and breathe!

HI Everyone! I'm just popping in to let everyone know that things are well on the home front...

I got my new computer up and running...been downloading some tunes since POWS has all of the good CDs...Been working around the house...getting things cleaned up...

Today, my contractor started on the fence and put doors on the garage...I fixed my motion sensor light today...yesterday I put my wheel barrel together and move the dirt from the front of the house when we had the plumbering redone to the back of the house to correct the drainage problem that POWS and the neighbor behind us did...

Catch three cats today that were living under the house, I'll be dropping them off at the appropriate place tomorrow...

Moved Lord knows how many rocks and bricks...weedeated the front yard...figured out that the lawnmower I have despairly been working on to get it to run has a bent crankshaft...just the slightest bit...so, time for a new one but that will have to wait...

I'm still suck on the dining room painting...it's almost finished but I've been trying to do other things...like build the kids' PC...

So all in all things are going well...

POWS has been paying CS on time...he told OS that he desn't want me asking where they go for the weekends...well, I informed OS that according to the paperwork, POWS is suppose to let me know in advance where they are going if they are not going to be at his residence for more than 24 hours...

Then, POWS told be that he paid off a bill and I handed his (tonight) the bill stating that he still owes half...he "claims" he's got a conf. code that says he paid it all...I thought to myself "WHATEVER!" He doesn't bother me to often...point being I know he's going to lie and cover things up! I expect that from him...

I know some of you may thing bad of this but I have been meeting new people, guys, and I even have gone out on a few dates...nothing more than friends so far...I do have someone that I'm interested in a whole lot but I'm keeping my distance for the time being...

So there you have it...life goes on...things get better...and I'm enjoying it...I do have an occassional moment when something bothers me...committee meetings are held in my head, but I work that out...I look around this place and am proud of the things that I have done...it really looks great and will continue to improve...

I hope that everyone is doing well...I've tried to distance myself from MB a little...and so far it's been really healthy for me...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Rin, Rin, Rin. First, keeping your distance is the RIGHT thing to do right now because you're still a married lady and secondly, you're not "DONE" emotionally with POWS yet. It takes time to get there. I don't mean that you still want him, but you're still emotionally invested. He still "gets to you." When you can actually face him or think of him with indifference, then you'll be done.

Sweetie, please be careful. You're playing with fire and what are you teaching your boys? That's it okay to "date" while you're married?

We still love ya. You're doing GREAT and have made amazing progress personally and emotionally and you know we're here for you. I love reading your thread and watching your growth. You are truly an amazing woman and some man SOME DAY will be very lucky to have you in his life.

No, I think that it is Ok for her to date a little. She has no intention of getting POWS back, or having him back. They are DONE... The only thing that she may not be done with is her annoyance at him being such an irresponsible man. But, in time, she (as well as me!) will be able to deal with it a lot better!!!

I would also dare to venture that she is not bringing the kids around her dates, so I do not think that it is a problem.

Rin, you have grown so much, you have a good head on your shoulders, you have good judgment! I will put in my vote for it being ok!!!!!! LOL!

It is too bad that you have to wait so long for a D where you live! LOL!

Just quickly...I have a problem with the law here...according to the law here I'm technically married and am allowed to date...that's why I couldn't do anything to POWS...once you file that's it as far as "the law" is concerned...

If I would have filed prior to Jan. 1, I would have only six months...NOW, since I did it afterwards I have to wait a year...now, who came up with this great idea...the lawyer's to get more money out of us...

Why is it that other state have different laws on D? Some get a D in as little at a few weeks...

So, really it's a moral issue, which I'm having a HArd time figuring out what "I" believe and I'm leaning more towards what my law says...WHat exactly is "technically married"?

The boy's are no subject to most things that I do b/c they are not here on teh weekends...this coming weekend I will have them...but I usually don't...so they don't get to see what I do...

PM, thank you so much for all the compliments...I greatly appreicate that...you too Sadmo! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is something that I really am having issues with...and WOULDN'T MIND SOME HELP GETTING TO THE SOURSE OF my belief...sorry for the caps!

The way I see it... if you want to follow "man's law" then you are correct. You are free to date. If you want to follow "God's law" then you are wrong. You are not free to date until you are divorced. Even then, you should take it slow.

What was that movie? 28 days with Sandra Bollock? Once they completed treatment they couldn't get involved with anyone until they could keep a plant alive or a pet safe for a year? It was humorous but there was actually a serious meaning behind it. I believe the same logic applies when a marriage ends.

Does that help? I don't mean to hurt you.

yes, that helps PM...you're not hurting me...I value your opinion...

I'm not ready to JUMp into anything serious one on one relationship...sleep with anyone/everyone out there...not ready to introduce anyone/everyone to my kids...

Then, I question what is God's law and you said until I'm Ded well, doesn't that encompass man's law...this is where my confusion comes in...

it's been 18 months since D-day...over two years since I've been dealing with this tragedy...I'm sure you can relate there...POWS annoints me in the way that the HN's do or someone driving down the street throwing trash out of the window...

I don't even know if I should call it dates, it's more like friends getting together...I don't know...I really don't...

I tend to agree with PM, in that you need more time. You have been through so much...SOOO much. You may feel so much more settled now than you did even just a few months ago, but relative to how settled you will be a year from now....why push it?

Personally, I see nothing wrong with going out with guys as friends and with friends (as in a group), but to hear you say that you are "interested" in someone sends up a little red flag for me.

You have yourself and your two boys to be interested in right now. Why spread around your emotional energy to anyone outside of that little circle?

My impression of you is that you are a go-getter who is like a bundle of energy, and sitting still is not in your nature. You've flown the coop and you want to spread your wings and FLY! Maybe you should sit there on top of your gilded cage for a while and check out the landscape, listen to your own song, and stretch your wings a bit before you make that leap.

Besides, if you wait until the D is final, you will always KNOW that you held yourself to the absolute highest standard throughout the whole thing...that you NEVER betrayed your vows, even when it was just a formality. You could have, but you didn't because it was THAT important to you.

Of course...this is all easy for me to say because I have no contact with anyone of the opposite sex. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My office is 21 women/0 men, I have only sisters, and all my friends are married. I'll likely be single forever, living with my sister like two little old spinster ladies. Yikes!!!

So anyway, congratulations on having an avenue to meet people....when the time is right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey, Rin.

I'm sure this is one of those super controversial things that could cause a big stir, that everyone will have a different opinion and you'll still have to decide for yourself what's right.

I think there is a test that might help you decide. You might need someone to help you really analyze your motives, though. Determine whether or not you're justifying -- trying to find reasons that it is OK, trying to MAKE it ok for yourself, or trying to hide it .... that would all be a signal that there's something wrong. Waywards justify and try to manipulate reality to fit their slipping morals -- and you aren't a wayward. Or can you really look at it and say "This is my code, this is what I truly believe in, and how I want to live my life ... and in this situation I am acting in line with my code".


My opinion -- and I've never been in your sitch, so I can't really advise you -- but for me, when people start questioning the concept of "technically married", it makes me cringe. It sounds so much like what WS's say. "Well, I was still 'technically married' but in my heart, we were already divorced" or whatever other types of nonsense they spout.

IMO, there's no "techically" to it. Just like being pregnant -- you either are or you aren't. You can't be "technically" or "sort of" or "only on paper, but not in my heart". So, IMO, you're married. Not "technically", you just are.

And, also IMO, it's not ok for married people to date other people. That's just a standard hard boundary for me. If people weren't willing to cross that line, then none of us would have ever had to be here. Being able to find grey in that line is a little bit scary to me. I personally do not want to ever allow myself to look for any wiggle room in that boundary -- because wiggle room in that boundary is what got me here in the first place. So for me, it's not ok and wouldn't fit my code.


But then again, I've never been in the sitch that you are. And I used to always say that I'd NEVER stay with a spouse who cheated. That was a huge black boundary wall for me, too, until it happened to me. So things aren't always as black and white as they seem.

You just really need to know and pay attention to what your moral code is and be able to truly say whether your actions fit your code, or are you trying to force a sitch that sounds like fun for now and pretend and justify why it's ok if it doesn't fit? It's not always easy to be objective and make those determinations, but I think you can do it.

-AmI.