Good question!

To put it simply... I believe it was Moses who came up with a way for a man to divorce his wife with a "Bill of Divorce" or something similar. But it wasn't until after a kind of trial and the husband handed his wife the bill, that they were legally divorced (no longer married). This was Moses way of handling issues of that time.

God's law comes into play concerning divorce when he says it is a sin to commit adultery. Adultery is sex outside of marriage whereas fornication is sex without marriage.

The question is... in your state... when are you divorced? My opinion is that you are not divorced until the FINAL DECREE is signed (or in Moses' day, the husband hands the bill of divorcement to the wife after the trial). Your state may say that you can ACT like you're not married but they won't legally recognize you as divorced person until the decree is signed --otherwise-- why make you wait?

I'm sure the Bible scholars will hammer me on my interpretation but this is just the way I see it.

I got it! Thank you all!

Rin,

I would say it is up to you at this point.

I agree that is sucks for some people in some states.

You can be divorced in some states in a month or two. In my state you can have everything settled but they will not put the rubber stamp on it for 6 months.

In other states it is one year.

So man's law determines how long you "HAVE" to legally stay married.

So would it be wrong for you to date if you lived in CA where you would be past the 6 month rubber stamp? You would be legally divorced here.

But then I go back to you are still married.

To me the difference is you have filed the papers you are past reconciliation. It is a technicality of law.

Heck if your STBX didn't drag his feet you may be D'd already.

Anyway you know I support you no matter what.

You know right from wrong and you will chose what is right for your heart.

Thank you so much Frog...that has been one of my major problem with this whole thing....I first started this thing out with...a year, no problem...

i am still married...okay I can deal with that...then I look at how fast the process is in other states and an consider God's law...and I run into problems there...

I have my son's saying from time to time...things about dating for me and marrying someone else...they are ready to move on...granted I'm not letting that push me into something but I'm perfectly capable of caring for them and myself in the sitch that we are in...

i don't "need" to be with someone...I learned a huge lesson by jumping into a relationship so fast with POWS...we knew each other a year while I was dating my XBF...we broke up and POWS and I start seeing each other and within two months we are living together...

That's not going to happen...I am done with him...I am stronger than I have ever been...I like where I am today...I get things done with easy...I play with the boys when I have them, we do things together...but three weekends out of the months I am alone...

Now, I don't feel alone all the time...this weekend I spend it working around the house and was great with them...but I have had the opportunity to connect with someone and have had to take a step back b/c of the sitch...trying to do the "right" thing...

Thus the question of man's law vs. God's law...I question WHY would God allow this individual into my life at this point in my life...I am in awe of his morals/values...his belief system...

I'll be the first to admit that I have NO clue what I'm doing...but I'm doing the best I can with what I have at with the time I have it...

I want really strong on I'm married until I file...but the way that the law is down here...once you file then you can do what you want and there are no repercussions... I had a huge problem with that at first...people that I know are upset that the law has changed and serves no purpose...

I'm caught in a crack and TBH, it has brought my to tears and I don't agree with it...

I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I have done so far, whether you call it dating or hanging with friends, has given me the opportunity to learn about my boundaries and to exercise them...I have learned that I have raised the bar on what I will accept and what I will not accept...

I have seen red flags and have walked away...do you know HOW AWESOME that is for ME????? I have allowed myself to be walked on, to be violated and today I will not stand for that...

NOw, if I sound like a WS tell me b/c I don't see textbook here...I honestly don't feel that I am justifing anything...but that's what I see and it has been on my mind...everyone's sitch is unique for a variety of circumstances...just look at teh difference b/t BC and I...

He has everything settled and has to wait out a time line...I'm still on custody and holiday schedules...

POint being, I still don't know what I'm going to do but I can say this I'm going to take things one day at a time, no rush into anything, enjoy where I am today, enjoy my boys and those wonderful smiles when I wake them up into the morning with some crazy off the wall voice or tickling them or letting the dog lick them to death...

I will not do what's been done to me and have a man pull before my kids...they are my flesh and blood and I will honor that...accepting me IS accepting my kids we are a packaged deal...I will protect them with my life from harm and foul play to the best of my ability...I will check "in" on myself to make sure that I'm not backpeddling...

These are the things that I know...So thank you ALL for your post...you have the opportunity to judge the case on an individual level...and come to your own conclusions as to whether I'm moving to the WS side or not...

I like to believe that my intelligence stand before my emotions these days and I'm doing a heck of a job not reacting but acting...that I have learned life lessons...

Thank you Frog for giving me the opportunity to open up and write it down...I was shutting down...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sounds good. You are your own woman.

Morning Rin.

One more thing and you guys can take this anyway you want to but I wanted to file back in Oct. of last year and I thought that God was putting road blocks or stop signs in my way...

Had I filed them this would all be over with...I can remember thinking that God doesn't like D and I need to stick this out...I waited another six months and what happen...things got worst...POWS became more violate...come Jan 1 the law changed...

By trying to do the right thing...it's a moral dilemma for me...

Rin,

Frog's correct - you know right from wrong

Soooooo,,,,, for a not so subtle change of topic how's the weather? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gonna snow here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LOL...It was cool here this morning...58...been really nice...haven't had to use the AC or anything...click on the heat in the morning b/f everyone gets up and then turn it off after we're moving around!

The highs 72 today...It's been wonderful here...I would love to build a fire soon...drink some coffee (perhaps with sometimes in it) SHHHHH!...and just enjoy the weather...

We came home yesterday adn the contractor's almost finished with the driveway gates...


OWWW!!!! HN1 has a big white utility, enclosed, in found of her house...could she be moving?

Everyone, we need a moment of silence, please pray that HN1 and her wonderful family move to they new house across town, and that they are happy and healthy in whatever they do...Amen! Please feel free to add anything else you see fit in there...LMAO

How's that for a change in topic? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Moment of silence observed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


BTW-It's sunny in Seattle!!!!

Of course, it won't last long......

It's FREEZING here! It's gonna hit a low of 60 today. Brrrrr

About divorce and your state...

Reality...

Where you live matters...you are where you are, in the reality you are...let God work. Doesn't matter what other states do...you chose to live in yours. They changed the law. Accept this reality as just about you, for you...no kicking. For every five years of marriage, take one to heal. God reaches where you are, to connect to you.

I remember you saying you didn't want to involve yourself with another man...continuing the replacement crap you'd put yourself through...you wanted to learn more about you intimately before moving on...and I believe you've learned a lot. And that there's more.

I like the idea of groups...be aware of your own fantasies about anyone in particular. Be aware of your thoughts, know where you're dwelling...for you now know what you want others to provide to you that you're not providing yourself.

Signals...not judgment.

The antidote for justification is reality...acceptance. Also a critical part in your grieving. Which is for your own healing, fulfillment and affects your life.

You're worth every moment...and we grieve for a lifetime the loss of a parent...and we grieve for the loss of a partner, a marriage, an opportunity, an event...we do grieve. Learn how to grieve well...it's part of thriving.

I don't believe you've broken your enmeshment with POWS. I believe that's what you're still working on...and you may FEEL as if you really have if you replace him in your thoughts with someone else...in reality, it's more abandonment of you, isn't it?

May feel lonely, abandoned, invisible as a result. Trace that belief...you are whole, complete, amazing, marvelous...with both hands on reality. You are significant, a force in the universe, and equal to everyone else.

And remember...when a man will date a technically married woman...then he is choosing to participate in fantasy...seems fine while it's with you...you experienced this both ways with your STBX...hurt like ****** when he was participating in fantasy without you.

Not what you want. You want someone who will actually turn you down...because they don't choose fantasy...they cherish your reality.

Changes your picker, doesn't it? Right now, continue to pick yourself.

And my heart is right there with you on not having your boys on the weekend. That is one messed up and difficult visitation schedule. It's not forever, correct? It will change?

With you kiddo...all the way...just as you are.

LA

The visitation is that way until summer and then we go 7 and 7...then back to the same thing...

Sorry to hear that Rindy. Doesn't sound like you're enthusiastic about this arrangement...I sure wouldn't be.

Maybe after the 7 and 7, you may want to ask for a change?

Not forever...just for right now, in this way...and I know it's tough.

And I know you do tough with class.

You really do.

LA

Happy Late Birthday! we took a family day off...YS was running a fever and I was exhausted so him and I slept most of the day and OS entertained himself...it was nice...yeah, it could change, POWS could get bored with it, or anything can happen...

No internet at home right now, in the process of changing services...going to save me some money...POWS didn't/wouldn't whatever turn the cable/internet service that we have now so I had to not pay the bill and I'm waiting for it to be turned off...

I had brief conversation with POWS yesterday...no biggie, a creditor called me, so I called him...I asked him what I needed, he asked me about the cable bill...told him that I would pay it after they turned it off and that I had asked him to do it and that he left me no choice...decent, polite, and quick...just the way I like it!

Well, i'm feeling better today, still tired but I don't think that it's affecting me like it was the past few days...i had to jump in the shower just to try to wake up this morning...fence is completed at the house and the garage is almost completely closed in...

I have a friend coming over to help me cut the grass this Sat. since my lawnmower is broke and he said that it wouldn't be a problem if he had to cut it again before winter..so I'm still handling problems with ease...

Thanks for the compliments...tough with class...LOL...yep, a tool belt to evening gown kind of gal! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Morning...I had the boy's this weekend...it was pretty good...we stayed around the house...got my direct TV hooked up this weekend...

Sat. night I was cleaning up and going through some paper and I found some of POWS stuff...emails to HN2 from me to her...his retainer fee receipt and some other stuff...of course this has caused me to be melancholy or at least helped to set me in that motion...

Sun morning, I woke up to the phone ringing...it was HN2's stepson asking if the boys could go over and play...I let them, no sense in denying the boys fun becuase of the problems with adults...they played there until 4 when I called and asked for them to come home so we could go to church...HN2 was very upbeat and happy when I talked to her, of course, we didn't talk more than me to ask for the boys and her to say sure, no problem...She even sent over some clothes for YS that her DSS has outgrown...

I personally think that this relationship can be repaired to a decent "Hello, how are you doing?" civil one but never the way it was before...no hanging out together, cook outs, stuff like that...it would take alot on her part...

When the phone rang I was dreaming about DH and I in college...I had invited him back to my dorm room, like I had done so many times, he hung out while I went take a shower and it was good...there was no tension in the dream or anything...

Needless to say, I'm grieving...I grieved all day yesterday...just stayed on the sofa...didn't do much at all...I feel the same way today...

So, I'm grieving, I'm lonely, and I'm just sitting still and feeling my feeling...I cried some Sat. night after finding the papers...tried listening to some music that I thought would comfort me Sun. morning but that didn't help...so this is where I am...

I really could use some support today...it just occurred to me that POWS could be dragging HIS feet on this D, b/c he doesn't want it...and I have a strong urge to contact him today...

So thanks in advance... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Rin:

Be strong girlfriend!

Read the GODDESSES Threads that have been pulled up!


(((RIN)))

LG

Thanks LG...i appreciate the thought...i think that I don't come around more b/c it's difficult for me to read here...

sometimes I have to take a bite at a time...you know the elephant standing in the middle of the room...I can only take in a piece here and there...

This D is of course not something that I whole heartly wanted...and I still wonder what it would be like to get back with POWS...like today...wanting to contact him...then thinking he's "living" with OW, which he denies...seeing and talking to another OW and this is not something I want to be apart of...

It'll really heart wrenching...not talking to him, not knowing "where" in this process he is...

I don't see how we could ever Recon. from this, but find myself wishing so from time to time...

Days like today are not a limbo day but more of a "I'm lost day...not sure where I stand day!" I can only think that it's just part of the grieving process...

I still don't even know how the Thanksgiving holidays are going to be...POWS wants them from Friday through Thanksgiving...and I want them Friday through Wed. afternoon with POWs having them throught Thanksgiving to the Sunday...I tried calling my laywer today but they have taken the day off and will be back in tomorrow...

(((((Rin)))))

You could be right, he might be dragging his feet and not want the D ..... It seems kind of doubtful, but there are always possibilities like that, and you never know.

But even if that were true and he is dragging his feet to avoid the D, he hasn't done anything to show that he would be a decent mate. So far, all he has shown is that he wants control and to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants without any responsibility or concern for anyone else.

So even if he was stalling ... is that really what you'd want to have back again? You worked so hard to get out of that.

You have done your job, you went above and beyond and did everything you possibly could do. You stalled for a long time before the D was ever even on the table, trying to make it better. Now it's his turn, and if he doesn't want this D, then he better get in a hurry and show you some good reasons to keep it from happening.


You have done a great job, girl. Keep it up!


I wonder if these kinds of feelings are why your state makes people wait so long before the D becomes official .... give them a chance to make sure that they've done all that they can .... it doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

(((((hugs)))))

-AmI.