Hey Rin-

You have email!!!

I don't think POWS is dragging his feet about the D any more than he was dragging his feet over every other thing he should have done on time-such as the house payments, CS, etc.

You are right about what you are feeling. It is grief. You are mourning for good reason. You share a history and kids with him. Add in the holidays and you have to process all that stuff again. Grieving has its own weird way of showing up unexpectedly. Sometimes the head can know you are doing the right thing, but the heart doesn't always follow the same timetable.

Hang in there!!!

(((Rin))).

I know exactly where you are today. I still have many days where I wish I could stop this whole process and get my old life back. Then I have to remind myself that I was being hurt in my old life and do I really want to live everyday with rejection? Continue with a man that didn't want to be with me and his family on a daily basis?

This morning I went to Mass and the gospel was on forgiving. I'm going to call my paster to see if I can meet with him and talk about forgiveness. Wondering if finally forgiving will help me move forward. If that will stop the hurt that I feel on a daily basis? Can you forgive someone who doesn't ask for forgoveness?

Sorry for the TJ. Rin if you need to talk feel free to call me.

Still

Hi, AmI...I think that you and JT are right...about him not stalling...it was just an idea that occurred to me...

I think the thought that stands out in my mind is POWs saying that he liked having his wife and GF at the ame time...THAT lurks in my thoughts OFTEN...

Thank you very much for the compliment...today is a minute by minute day...well morning...I have a lump in my throat and am doing ym best to keep it together today...at least while I'm at work...I'm running the show since the bosses are away...

I'll alot some time tonight to grieve...play some music that will conjure up my feelings and allow myself to cry...I still have an extremely difficult time allowing OP to se me cry...

JT...I read it adn will reply when I'm able too...lump in my throat and all...hopefully my internet connection will be up tonight...I'm changing services...

You reminded me that POWS is a procrastinator...(How could I forget that one!)His time not anyone else's!

This is SOOOOO me right now...from time to time...I know that I'm doing the right thing and it doesn't bother me often but when that loniness hits it makes it EXTREMELY difficult to function...

I said the other day that I have no idea what I'm doing but being in the place that I am I have a good idea of what direction I need to go in...still doesn't stop me from longing to be with someone...to have that connection...but I would be no better than POWS if I were to find someone right now...it would be a distraction...now granted I know this...

Which I have questioned myself and have wondered if and I really don't even know how to put it...but the need to feel loved...that's why I came here today...I've been away partly my choice partly not...

Anyway, I could write on and on...with my stiffulls...

Thank you both...I'm doing the best I can with what I have...

AH, thanks Still...I don't think that you sharing your stuff is Tjing...it's great to have OP that can relate...

I'm thinking that I just need to sit with myself for a while...I have a tendency to talk to OP, do things, to avoid the stuff on the inside...well, not on purpose, I don't think...it just happens...

I'm feeling better this afternoon...i went home for lunch, ate really quick, loved on my dog and took a nap before coming back to work...

Just wanted to say thank you and I appreciate the support...

JT-YOU have mail!

Well, that feeling better i mentioned earlier didn't last long...

Anyone else's self esteem drop when you're sad...the whole self-doubt thing...

I have trouble feeling low...being taught it wasn't okay to cry as a child and having that carry over to POWS...remembering him telling me that I didn't even know why I was crying and all I could say was that I was hurt...

i would have to learn to be okay with crying in front of others and be okay with that and able to accept comfort...to be allowed to cry on someone's shoulder...it's sometime I think that I've longed for...I feel really screwed up today...i'm certainly not okay with myself today...

Oh, Rin ....

Give yourself a break. It's ok to feel down, ok to have crying jags, even ok to see the dips in self esteem .... it's all normal. Human.

You don't have to be perfect, and you don't have to fix all the hurts from your childhood right this minute. We all love you just teh way you are. So cut yourself some slack, girl. Let the feelings come and quit telling yourself what you should be doing better.

Because you're doing great. Even on the bad days, you're pretty dang inspiring.

(((((Rin)))))

-AmI.

Rinners,

What if your DJs persist...and kick your butt...and your little tushie is tired of your own kicking?

Don't DJ others. Do not go into POWS' stuff...it's his and he's not doing/telling/showing/sharing...which is great...because you're still breaking your own habit of going where you don't know reality, have no control...and stab yourself with it.

Oh, now you remember his P/A behaviors (procrastinating)...which was about him, not you. Don't make it about you, Rin. It's not. His choices are his.

Crying in front of other people? What, you're not going to meetings anymore?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Knock those "shoulds" outta da ball park...and let the "shouldn'ts" go with 'em. May be why you feel hit coming and going...watch where your thoughts dwell, for there is your treasure.

(You're worth obsessing over...so just do it.)

And look at you sharing, anyway.

LA

Hey Rin...

((((Rin))))

Sorry I missed the call for support. I was there, too, yesterday. Hopefully today is another day and the clouds will break for both of us.

I let myself bawl between the grocery store and home. Big loud bawling.

We are all in the same boat...all this ugliness...all this suckiness. You are not alone.

This morning, instead of my usual prayers for everyone that I know who needs them, I put myself first. I asked God to just take away the bad feelings. The prayers for others can wait...I need to get myself back on track before I can put others first.

I'll pray that for both of us, and still, too. You are okay. You are doing so well. It's just a dip.

((((Rin))))

I'm sorry I did not see your call for support. YOu've got it girl!

Sometimes rollercoatsters aren't much fun. Crying is good, letting things go is better. You know what to do, and you know the grieving process.

It sounds like a lot of little things have been happening too, lately, with the kids, with you, with custody. All of this reality knocks you down a bit, but you know that you will feel good again. You have the strength and power to do so, and you will, just grieve as you need to.

AmI- Thank you, I forgot that I would not be this hard on OP...that I do need to be okay with myself and accept the feelings that I have and go with the flow...


I have but not as often since we're back in the house, trying to keep up with the boys and their stuff...homework, tutoring, bathes, supper, etc.

I try to go to my Tues. Lunch meeting...and I went to an open meeting a few Friday's ago because I could make it to Tues. Thurs...NOW I did go to last Thurs., board meeting after and I have to go tonight, business meeting...go tonight will be non-stop...OS gets home from tutoring at 5:15, religion begins at 5:30 ends at 6:45, meeting begins at 7pm which I will be bring the boys too, followed by the business meeting...

SOOO, lol, I do the best I can with meeting...

LS, thanks for showing up and sharing...I did cry a little yesterday...didn't get to go shoe shopping, OS had a project to finish and we had to pickup a classmate...they finished up and I laid on the sofa...OUT...Asleep, I woke up OS was cleaning his room (no TV until it's done), and YS was asleep on the floor...by that time I thought about it and didn't feel like it anymore, grieving, crying...I was asleep for 10pm...

My sleeping pattern has gotten worst recently...up every 45 minutes...so that is really playing a huge part in teh way I feel recently...

SL- yes, I have had a lot on my plate lately, i was thinking yesterday, in the mood that I was in about pruning back some things...this Sat. I have a date with my Spon. to go shopping for her H's Christmas party...She's in charge of planning it...well, this Sun, I was trying to make plans with someone else...I think that I will cancel that and just be...hang around the house and WHATEVER...

i appreciate all of you posting and sharing your stuff...this morning I didn't know how I felt but right now, I'm not as down as I was yesterday...and I'm making it a point to attend my meeting at lunch...I'll save the nap...well, oh, I can sleep while the boys are at religion...and I can eat when I come back to work...popcorns always great to have on hand!

(((((GROUP HUG))))) I need it!

Well, that ended the grieving process for me...now I'm just pi$$ed...POWS, the IDIOT, let the insurance lapse on his truck which is in both our names...

Now I'm sure that I have a flag on my license and have to call my friend that works there to find out what I have to do to clear my name...IT'S not like he didn't know...he was court ordered to get his own insurance, same as me...i did my stuff...ON TIME!!!!

That's a $50 fine...I think that's why the grief comes and goes...just as I'm getting into it...I find something like this email in my box, and I'm angry all over again!

i'll be so glad when everything is separated!

Okay...LOL...well, I'll be fine...nothing is going to happen to me...AND his plate on his truck has been expired since JUNE!!!!!!

I renewed mine in September...why b/c I checked it...

Anyway, if I do get a flag all I have to do is show my court papers stating that he's responisble for the insurance on his truck...and even that will take 3 months...

Compared to POWS' life...mine easy peasy...THAT'S A lot to be grateful for!

GREAT NEWS! I will have the kids for Thanksgiving...since it's POWS' weekend, he's going to keep them until Wed. at noon and I will have them after that!

I'm so excited b/c I have to work Monday, Tuesday and Wed., adn I'm off Thurs. and Friday!

Editted to say: ALso, POWs and his Attorney will be meeting next week to finalize the custody part with Holiday schudules...clauses, etc...

Yay! Have fun!
What are you cooking????

LMAO...We're going to my Aunt's and Grandma is doing the turkey...I haven't eaten her turkey in years...like the WHOLE time that I've been married...so from time to time I would try to do it the same way...

I MISS ALL THE FOOD! I hated going to the IL's for Thanksgiving...I would end up eating one thing over and over again b/c I didn't like what they cooked!

I'm going to enjoy myself this year!

Is it wrong to get satifaction out of knowing that POWS life is crappy when I look at it?

To get a little joy from knowing that he left the good life for what he has now?

Hey, Strivn... I'm impressed by all your awesome very important progress steps!!! Look how far you have come...So I hope your standing proud& happy in your heart you did what you could, to do the very best, of your abilities!!!

Well Hello, I'm up and running the net at home...I think I have some problems to handle with it but I'm connected for the most part...

SKY! WHAT'S UP? Long time to see or hear...Thank you so much...

I brought the kids shoe shopping tonight...two sizes bigger than the last time I brought them...

Okay, I'll be back I have a few things to handle...see if I can fix this little problem...

LMAO...I'm really getting the hang on this JILL OF ALL TRADES!

Thanks to my friends out there! You know I would be nothing without my Higher Power but thanks to REAL FRIENDS I have a heck of a lot of support! That's where my true blessing come in!

Okay...I need some advice...I had become friend with one of POWS co-workers...someone that I didn't know before and IT IS strickly a friendship...let me make that clear...

Now, this person is very concerned about being friends with me because of POWS...well, not really him but because of peer pressure at worker should OP find out that we are friends...and what that peer pressure may do to POWS...they are not in constant contact with each other but occassional they do have to get together to plan or whatever...ask each other for things, etc...

In this sitch, I'm not sure what do to...I don't thing that I should have to give up my friendship because of POWS but I can see this person's concerns and feel that they are validate...I would hate to see their job become difficult over stupid childish stuff...I understand I can't control OP...

Here's my thought...I have thought about talking to POWS about it...explaining that I happen to be friends with someone he works with, etc...and I know that OP can blow things out of proportion...asking him if he sees it being a problem for him, etc...

POWS loves to appear the good guy on the surface that's why I don't see him creating problems at work besides his job is important to him...that's the "good" things about him...or should I say things that are in my favor...

So, I'm open to any questions that anyone has...and I may be seeing POWS this afternoon b/c it's CS day...this was not really a concern of mine prior to talking to this friend about helping me cut the grass this weekend...we were suppose to do it last weekend but things came up and we were unable to get it done...

I think that part of the problem was that he was concerned about HN2 seeing him at my house and spreading rumors that are untrue...this sitch is similiar to Eph, in that we are just friends but I don't have to worse about any legal stuff here...

So, I would really appreciate some feedback and ideas...I personally feel that being respectful to POWS is talking to him about it and not letting someone else come to him b/c if someone else comes to him then he's going to think that I'm doing/being more than friends with this guy...but if I confront him and lay it out on the line then first that's me being honest, true to myself...second, it's showing him some respect...