I'm expecting court b/c of the motorcycle that he "sold" to the HN2 that he said we agree to sell and they took possesion of in 06'...

We're going to have to get tehir records proving that they purchased it from "US" and provided "us" with half the payment before I left...

I would love to settle out of court but I don't expect that to happen...after the first I plan to get teh house appraised and move from there...he'll owe me some more...he will not be a happy camper...

Thank you, thank you very much for the compliment...I can't really pinpoint the change in attitude recently...I'm not sure if it's b/c I accepted myself or if I have accepted him ...regardless it's working for me...

Rin,



Does it matter to you??

So happy that either way, it works for you!

HAHA...Bugs, you see how much thought I gave that huh? no, it doesn't matter in the least...

I'm just ready to have a plan that works and to carry it out...for the sake of the kids...it's been an interesting lesson in being the adult and handling your responsibilities...taking that higher road...

I have vowed not to play the blame game with end, to end any contact or meeting with him swiftly should things start going bad...to do my very best, with the help of the good Lord, not to throw his words back at him or say ugly things...to overlook any comments, like I didn't hear them, should there be any...

LOL...I do have one trick up my sleeve, for my satification of course...if I hear him lying...I would love to tell him that his pants are on fire...BELIEVING he's a slow learner, it may take a few times before he "gets it!" Especially if I just say it and walk away... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OKay, question: here' the sitch!

When talking to POWS yesterday about the darn CABLE BILL...which they billed another month for...he asked that I TM him today to "remind" him to call them...

At the time, i agreed, but then I thought about it, THIS is not my responsibility, this is HIS stuff...so the question is now: HOW do I handle this?

I'm one to follow through on my stuff, if I say I'm going to do it, then I do...but this is a cycle that needs to be broke...

So, am I actively passive aggressive and not take any action?

OR, do I follow through with the TM, just saying reminder?

I have wanted to attach by asking a question about or simply make a statement saying that It's not my responsiblility to remind him of his stuff...

The goal I'm trying to achieve is to have a relationship with him that is civil strickly for the sake of coparenting...

I understand that I can't attack, even a simply O&H statement with him I think will come off wrong in his eyes...so I'm really thinking that no action is the best action...

And here's the other thing that I've thought about, simply TMing him and asking for a fax number to fax the bill over...that way I have done my stuff (what I said that I would) and he has the information that he needs to clear up the matter...

Also, I think that I must mention that in the pile of mail that he is picking up this afternoon, I have included the forms to do a change of address for him...

So there are my thoughts, I want to be sarcastic with him but that would be repeating history and I'm only interested in developing a new R with him, one strickly related to coparenting...so I'm in need of some thoughts on how to surpress the old behavior I have danced with him and learn how to take the higher road...

Allow him to handle his stuff and remove myself...

This services as another reminder of why I don't want him in my life, I'm tired of the dance and his codependency...I have been doing extremely well with my life and feel I have the energy to take this on head on...I've allowed myself plenty of time to rest and heal, not saying that I make have to take a break at some point...

Once again, I'm thinking that my best choice is no action...

I would greatly appreciate some thoughts on the subject...

So, I've been reading about codependency this morning and I didn't really understand it in the past but if I'm understanding correctly then I am extremely guilty of being codependent...

Reminder: This is a man who refused to set up his own dentist appt. b/c I refused to do it anymore or call for refills on his meds...so I did it...

Well, I think that I have really broken that pattern or have tried to do to the best of my ability...

looking at moving into a different type of relationship I want to make sure that I do NOT continue this dance in the new relationship...so any tips would be greatly appreciated...

I didn't think that I was the co-dependent one...I thought that would be him b/c he was "uncapable" of doing his own stuff...not I believe that it was really a lack of wanting to do his own stuff...

So if I'm understanding better today than I have in the past then my best course of action IS to do nothing in regards to the TM to "remind" him to call...

It's his responsibility to get teh bill, to call, and he shouldn't need anyone to remind him...if he forgets then that's his problem and not mine...consequences of his actions, in this case lack of action...usually the history with him...

I would like to dive into this behavior of mine a little deeper...

I certainly don't want to enable him and if I understand right I'm going to have to establish some clear boundaries...at this point do I even have to tell him what my boundaries are? I wouldn't think so...I don't owe him an explanation for how I live my life?

I think that it's the same as what I have been taught in my program about "I will not do for someone what they can not do for themselves!"

Am I in the right direction on this?

I think that, since you agreed, then you should send him the text. And then in the future, you will remember not to agree to things like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Then you get to be civil and polite, keep your word, and learn a lesson about not agreeing to things you really don't want to do.

And I wouldn't over-think it, it's just a text. Not a whole new world of enabling and enmeshment. One text that is going to help you remember to break the cycle better next time.


(Stepping aside for someone much more knowledgeable to respond on the co-dependency stuff -- I have NO clue.)

-AmI.

Thank you so much AMI...you know you mentioned keeping my word...and basically...you hit the nail on the head...

I did agree to TM him...and It was something that I didn't have a problem with at the time of agreement; however, with you mentioned that simple little phase it didn't occur to me before that I simply have the right no change my mind and not feel guilty for doing so...

I have often had guilt as a result of making a decision then deciding that the decision I intially made is not the best...so I would follow through with the first decision...then regret would step in and I would be angry of my choices...

Having attended a meeting at lunch, I feel pretty comfortble about changing my mind and so far I don't have any guilt related to it...I think that since I was unable to state my boundary in the beginning, completely unaware that I needed one...that should I be asked or not for that matter...I could state my boundary then and there...a simple statement...with no worry about how he will react...

Something like: I didn't TM you b/c I changed my mind and will not remind you to be responsible...

In steady of taking care of him, I am taking care of myself and not putting myself back into that role of caregiver, rescuer...from my POV, I am teaching him that he can not rely on me to do his stuff...I'm thinking that it's a TM now, but what's the next thing that he will ask me to do...

He still has it in his mind that I'm paying this bill...does it hurt me if he doesn't call, NOPE! does it affect me in any way? NOPE!

So that's where I am on that...I appreciate you so much!

Just wanted to chime and and agree with AMI's advice.

Also....

Have you signed yourself and you COM up for TKD yet? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What a wonderful gift to give to yourself and your COM. The gift of confidence! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BTW... in case you can't tell... I'm fond of practicing TKD. I've been an instructor since 1986. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well, hi...no I haven't...there's a scheduling conflict...off work at 5, pick up kid (s), beginner's class starts are 5:30...on Tues./Wed. OS doesn't get home until 5:30 b/c of tutoring at school...

That's signing up for the closest one to the house...it's really diaappointing...you have to pass that 5:30 class b/f you can enter the 6:30 class...and it's on Mondays and Weds.

WOW, you are awesome...to be able to work with the kids in that manner is outstanding! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Simply amazing...

from my reading today I would have not thought that I was the one with the codependency problem...I have been blaming POWS for his refusal to handle his own stuff...for whatever reason that he chose to do what he did...

i'm learning today that I'm actually the one with the problem and the characteristics...why this occurs, etc....

Now I've been working really hard all these months to change these things about myself...I would have been horrified to put a name to it months ago but today I'm okay with saying that I am/was codependent...and I just need to keep doing what I've been doing...getting to know myself...

I'm just really amazed...

WEll, POWS just left...five minutes at the most, if that long...no mention of the TM...I handed over the whole cable bill to him...I don't feel bad about not doing the TM either...

I already made copies and fazed them to my lawyer explaining the sitch...

Even hit him with the fence while he was here...the boys let the dog loose and I was trying to get it closed before she ran to the road...asked for the password to the 401K...wrote it down...hugged the boys and left...

I think that it was a good encounter...

Good job, girl!

Sorry, I have no clue about the codependency stuff, although I was always under the impression that it was the "other person" -- the one without the addiction or whatever, who codependency usually applied to (in this case, that would mean you).

You know how they always talk about the spouse of an alcoholic being co-dependent. Like being addicted to the addict. At least that's what I always thought about it, but again, I really have NOOOOO clue about any of that stuff.

Sounds like you're figuring it out, though, with your reading!

-AmI.

HEy, AmI...yeap, it's me...I thought it was him...reading and going to that meeting today...I figured out I learned it being a child of an alcoholic...

I started cooking and cleaning at the age of 9, I was an only child...I learned early on in this process that I was over-responsible it just really clicked today...

So, it was natural to pick up that role when him and I got together...I went home one summer, the only summer and during that time he had the lights and the phone turned off for not paying it...so I was the "rescuer"but at the same time he was rescuing me...I thought that life was SOO great...

We had a place of our own, I had a vehicle to use, I was in college, I had two jobs, my bills were paid...I thought we wanted the same things...he was the bomb...

But saving him from himself, the person who lost a whole paycheck to the bank once due to NSF charges...I paid all the bills and did anything that needed to be done...and as time pasted I thought that he was stupid at one point...

I would ask for help b/c he would tell me to ask for help....but it didn't happen...so everything that was gratifing in the beginning b/c I was "needed"...

That was the dynamic that I set up, then you bring in his family stuff and here we are today...I can really understand from reading why I was so angry all the time and after d-day I started learning things here and becoming a better person...

Not reacting...owning my own stuff and I stopped being angry all the time...b/c I didn't direct it at him, I directed it at the kids most of the time...

Now, I REALLY feel like I know why things played out the way they did...what my part in the failure, of course, I don't think that it's a failure if you did the best that you could with what you had at the time of my marriage...

So if I continue to work on this issue and stay in tune to my feeling and and my true self, watch that I'm not taking on OP's stuff when I don't have too...

Basically continue to follow my program...the 12 steps...

MOF, for the first time today I understood what people mean by living in the solutions and not the problems...

It's just like a real WOW day...no high, no low in learning this stuff...it's just matter of fact...I'm no wanting to kick myself...or anything like that...it's like okay, I understand now...

JUST WOW!

Just popping in after lurking for awhile....

Have to agree with the others - a lot of growth I see in you (channeling Yoda here, LOL). You are on your way to greatness.


Anyone else see the irony or symbolism in her shutting the gate on him equating to her closing the door to him on her life?

On codependency - from Wikipedia and Google:

Chew on that for awhile.

Guess I should post my own update soon, huh? Maybe Thursday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

UUHG, just woke up, nightmare again...sp I wanted to put two and two together...I remembered having nightmares last week...so I read my old post and sure enough...they were right after seeing POWs...

When I ran into him last Sat. voting...that night...well, here I am tonight, another nightmare except he wasn't in it, not had I can recall...it started out great and then it just got gross...there was a police office and blood and I was scared and had to wake myself up again...

I'm going to have to watch for that pattern...it seeing him is triggering the nightmares...

Having been down the nightmare road before with my SD, I know that the only way out is through it...I survived those and I'll get pass these...it's just having to wake myself up to calm down...and clear my mind enough to try to relax and go back to bed again...

PBS, thank you for sharing that...if I remember correctly the nightmares were the last thing that I dealt with in reference to my SD and the abuse, SO if I am repeating history then YES I AM closing the door on POWS...

I remember in my dreams back then I was SOOO angry, there were a many times that I ended up sitting on his chest and beating the everliving out of him, I can't remember being scared in those but I would have to wake up to calm down...

I closed that chapter of my life...in God's time I'll be finished with this one too...

I really appreciate you seeing that...if it helps I did tell him I was sorry for hitting him...I caught myself reaching for his waist with my hand, normal behavior for me, he was facing away and I instantly noticed what I was doing and stopped...just said that I was sorry!

I don't know, I don't know what all this means but I didn't think so at the time; however, looking back now I think that I have been a quick learner and I've said it twice in the past week that my behaviors now are coming without me having to think about them...I've seen it twice since last Tues...

So I have patted myself on the back for realizing that...I see alot of OP who haven't had that advantage for whatever reason and I'm very grateful for my progress...certainly not perfection...

Well, i'm making my first chili in the crock pot tonight, that was POWS job and I have to say that I'm enjoying cooking more often these days...like with the chili I was able to add tomatoes...he was allegic to them...and he didn't like beans and I got to add some of them too...caulked if up to another advantage of him not being around...

YOu know like having the WHOLE closet to myself...plenty of room for my SHOES!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to go stir the chili and head back to back, I'm so grateful to have a place to come and write, to share my strenght, hope, and experience...thank you all...

OH, PBS...I'm chewing...thanks, that site was not in my reading today...I can see some that I have done and some POWS has done...sincerely appreciated!

Just wanted to share this, got it this morning:


Rin

Rin,
try finding "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty at the library. my IC recommended it and it really opened my eyes to "my part" in the unhealthy dance we were doing.
hugs,
cgw

CGW, thank you so much for the recommendation...I will certainly look into it...


WEll...
I didn't sleep well AT all last night and about 11 this morning I started feeling really bad...nausea and hot inside but cold outside, i tried standing in the sun and that didn't work...

Felt like I had stayed up all night studying for a test all night during college...you know you are so tired that you can't figure out if your hungry or not...I tried eating something but that seem to make it worse...

So I took a long lunch and came home and took a nap, I walked into work and it felt so much better...they turned off the heater...

Now, I'm sneezing like crazy, so I took some meds. and tonight I'm taking some PM med to go to sleep and will try to be in bed for 10...I washed clothes last night but didn't fold all of them so that can wait, supper's cooked, kids are finishing their homework now...so I'm just resting tonight...

interesting day...

Rin,

Let me second cgw's recommendation. I read that book when I was in anther relationship years ago & it was very helpful to me.

I see the long night of rest wasn't so much for you last night. Loved the Alien Song!

Just wanted to say Hi and have a great day!

Morning Bugs! I remember seeing that book somewhere, so when I get a chance I'm going to check it out...

Unfortunately the night was not what I was hoping for...and I took the PM AND I was in bed early for me...the Alien Song was the first time I got up...I woke up twice more, then didn't want to get up with the alarm clock this morning...

I had a good night...My SM called, then i called my SD and we talked about everything under the sun...mind you he was the abuser in my life...

He blames himself for alot of things in my life...I have forgiven him and have moved on...I also realize that there nothing that i can do to "fix" him being guilty. Well, he make a comment last night and I told him that I use to think that the abuse didn't effect me but here in the past week I realized that I was codependent. I told him I was certainly not trying to place blame just explain what was going on with me...

SO we talked about that for a while, my M, my life, etc...I said that when I went looking for someone that my list wasn't very long but now I have a pretty long list of what I'm looking for now and if I can just find 80% then I can work with the other 20%...

So, after I got off the phone with him, my mom TMed me, she was getting off of work and heard that I had called and wanted to know if there was anything she could do for me...so I called her and told her about the conversation but I listed the things I was looking for in a man with her...she agreed that the codependency was a long term effect...and we had a great conversation too...

It's strange that we can talk about the past, no one's feeling get hurt, sometimes I worry about how what I say will impact the listener but I'm finding that the more time or the fact that we talk about it, the less I am concerned with the reaction.

That was the first time that I admitted to any effects from the abuse...especially to my abuser or my mom...it was kind of wierd for me, to be admitting that to them...

I mean I'm glad that I did it but I have my own stuff to deal with as a result of speaking up...it's a little uncomfortable b/c I'm being me and shedding that image/mask I tried to keep up...it's showing that I am vunerable and not as strong as I liked to come off...that's hard to deal with...REALLY HARD...

Admitting that I'm not perfect and that I have faults to my parents, who I gave up to M POWS...sometimes we have to fall flat on our face to be able to get up and dust ourselves off, gather our strenght and courage to start moving forward again...

I was telling my SD that for the longest time I looked outside of myself for approval but today I'm PROUD of ME. It's great to have outside validation, but today I don't need it b/c I can really SEE where I came from and the progress I've made...

Things are starting to feel second nature to me rather than forced...owning my stuff, paying attention to me, feeling good about myself, etc...

If it wasn't for POWS A then I don't know where I would be...I never thought I would say this but D-day was a great thing in the long run for me...

I still wish from time to time that POwS would man up, but I think the best thing I can tell myself here is that old phrase: If you love something, let it go and see if it comes back, then you know it was meant to be...just had to remember not to hold my breathe in the process...don't wait by the phone and let life go by...

Well, since I think I just summed up Plan B...I'm ending it here...

Rin (just one MB success story of personal recovery) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />