LMAO...That's cool!

I went to college with Chris Boniol, was a place kicker for Dallas, I don't know what he's up to now...the first time I met him he was an orientation leader, then as time passed we had some classes together...

NOT a great guy...completely into himself...well the first year he played for Dallas...he came into the store that POWS and i were managing at teh time...I forget who he was with, he played for Dallas too...

Well, this guy asked us if we knew who that was pumping gas, and POWS turns around and said "yeah, he was a d!ck when I knew him and he's probably still a d!ck!"

You should have seen the look on this guy's face...totally a Kodac momemt!!!! That was my Senior year! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MOF, I had to pull out my yearbooks to remember Chris' last name...

Drew Bree is the bomb..I do have to admit that!!! I'm not much on NFL and I told Bobby that today...he laughed and said I was like his dad...not much of a Saints fan but I bleed purple and gold...LOL

I thought that was funny in itself...Bobby's own dad!!!

anyway, it occurred to me earlier tonight that my cousin is a MAJOR Saints fan and OS pulled his name for Christmas...

So while the boys were at religion tonight I finished their Christmas shopping and picked up my cousin a football to add to the lot for this Tues...

OH, POWS called me today after I left work wanting to get teh presents from me, but I didn't have time to meet him...So I suggested that he just pick them up on Sunday when he returned the boys...he agreed...I was a little surprised to hear from him...he exuded effort...WOW!!!

So that sitch is solved and I don't have to do anything extra...MOF, I can have them sitting out there under the patio with the little bit of mail he still recieves here and I can be in the house...easy peasy...

Oh James...we didn't have an Athelic Hall...we had a Student center and all the food was good...LOL...I'm sorry that you went through that!!!LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

Just popping by to say I hope you didn't get too "white on rice" with OS,,,,but not too little either! You know that *I* know what you are dealing with! OS is lucky to have yo there!!

I got him...not "TOO" white on rice...but he didn't even know what happened I got him so quick when he walked throught the door...

I was really calm...and I asked "do you know what that was for?"

"yes ma'am!"

"Did I warn you when I got the call from teh teacher last time?"

"yes ma'am!"

"Good, we'll discuss it later!"

Later came and he's also ground for a week...I TMed POWS again told him OS was grounded to next week and it was up to him whether to uphold the grounding through the weekend...POWS will be upholding it...So I thanked him for working with me and he replied that's the way it's suppose to work!

OS is also to have all homework assignment signed by the teacher and will be giving them to me when he gets home...

So the co-parenting is working well...I keep POWS informed and I think by giving him the choice made it easier for him to go along with...I don't know and I can guarantee that he will follow through but that remains to be seen...

From the small interaction that I have had with him, I like the relationship better...and I can also see why it would be hard for a WS to go back into the M...WHY...b/c I hear myself saying I can deal with him but I can't deal with the issues at hand...as long as I let it go I'm find...there are many things that I would tolerate and love him for before but I can't allow myself to do that now!

Makes senses?

Man that's tough to hear.. you'd think that cooperative coparenting might build up trust and care over time.. maybe that's part of the trick too.. you start to become comfortable with eachother again.. and once the A ends.. if it's of duration and coparenting is established.. there is already a foundation for rebuilding trust and working together..

Just a thought.. just thinking out loud (sorta) I suppose.

James...If he wasn't still sticking it to me in this D...having to weed through all of the lies...to get to the truth and this is non-affair stuff...

There's no room for trust right now...and I FINALLY have gotten comfortable talking to him...being in his presence...that was tough...being that nine and a half months ago I feared for my life...


i don't know, we will see...only time can tell...there's SOOO much he would have to do...

BUGS:

I really appreciate the compliments...for some reason I'm being triggered right now...not really in a bad way but all of these thoughts are flooding to mind...I stated that my GrandF's b-day was Fri, but it's actually Sat...well, there's my reason...I was very overwhelmed with grieve this morning having posted how I lost him and then POWS confessed...

POWS told everyone that I was dealing with the lose just fine but I wasn't I was broken...I suggested that the seven grandchildren be the pallbearers for him...well, my HS just had a child, so that let the six of us...it was an honor to carry him as he had carried me SOO many times...

Last year, I wasn't able to grieve at this time either...the M was in a grave state...POWS had burned my books in Oct., and the violence was underway...I barely noticed the time thinking back...no time for reflection, just time to deal with the present...

Today I have that time...I was extremely hurt my POWS' inability to be there for me...MOF, when it came time for the family members to says their goodbyes before closing the casket...he snook out the back with all of the friends...the hurt that he caused was beyond believe...I held that against him for some time and in a way I think I still do...

To me that was just as bad as my parents refusing to come to my college graduation, I was the first to do that, b/c I was with POWS...racial thing...

Complete abandonment...complete lack of trust...in my eyes POWS has at this present day and time, damaged things beyond repair...I want to let him in, don't get me wrong, but I can't allow myself to b/c the pattern is that I get hurt...

he can not be what i need him to be...I can not accept WHO HE IS or HAS become....I'm not sure what is what...

Sometimes just b/c we love someone doesn't make it healthy to be with them, and it's better to let them go...this is where I am with POWS...still reeling from past hurts...to be forgiven in time, at a later date...

Today, almost two years later, I am allowing myself time to grieve the lost of my GrandF, to reflect, to lear from my mistakes...the lack of respect that I gave POWS from my codependency...wanting to be needed, to be loved, after effects of the abuse from my childhood...my GrandF was my lighthouse...

Completely accepting...of me, POWS, life...someone to be cherished...someone I told on MANY occasions how grateful I was for all that he did for me...Today I am STILL just as grateful...for lessons that even he doesn't know that he's still teaching me...

I am sadden by not having him here in the flesh but his still lives in me...I strive to be the kind of person that he was...to teach that to my children...

So for today I sit with my heart in my hand, hugging it tightly b/c it has grown so much with teh love that I have been given from him...and I will allow it to weep openly...for now is the time to do so...

No thoughts of POWs, my M, OW, the pain...all cleared away with the help of the one thing that my GrandF tried to teach me...THERE IS A GOD!

Rin,

As hard as it is, it is good to finally face and deal with the grief of your loss. Think of it this way, at least you have the strength now to deal with it in a Healthy way!
{{{{Rins heart}}}}

I agree with you BUGS, and it's not overwhelming like it was...Thank you for the hug...

I wonder it I'll ever be able to forgive POWS for not being there for me when I needed him...

I still have a few memories that REALLY stick out in my mind about the whole A thing...like at his Christmas party two year's ago...he was on the phone with OW, talking about bring her a doggie bag, she was home sick...this was before I found out that it was a PA...

I SURE didn't want to go the to Christmas party last year and this year I don't have to worry about it...MOF, I think his party is this weekend and he'll have the boys, so I don't think that he'll even be going...

I, on the other hand, will be at a Christmas party this Sat...around people I trust and value to have as friends in my life...

I don't know how to completely forgive him yet...I still find myself wanting to throw hurtful comments in his direction sometimes when I talk to him and I have to remember that it's just not worth it...I want to call him a lair and attack...I don't know what to do with that...how to deal with that...so IT IS really easier to just let it go...

This is the reason why I chose to stay in a PLan B of sorts...b/c I want to react to him...it's sooo easy...

I feel much better this morning than I did yesterday...I went to bed early again...and I'm not feeling as tired as I was...yesterday I felt like I couldn't wake up...I think that I'll try to stick to that a few more nights...

Ok, let me get ready for work and get these kids off...

I can only imagine how difficult that is to deal with.. sounds like you are finally allowing yourself emotionally to mourn the loss. This is a GOOD and HEALTHY thing I think. Tells me at least you're in a place emotionally that you can cope with things other than the daily muck that comes with being a BS... not playing the victim card here, just saying as we all know.. it's a load of crap to deal with day in and day out.

The lies and deceptions really do eat away at the trust we long to rebuild with them.. I'm experiencing that first hand. Fortunately she's gone quiet again.. I think maybe she's discovered I'm still seeking custody and that's thrown up the walls all over.. but honestly, it's helping.. not having her come stir the pot.. I'm thankful for it, sort of.

Still.. I really wish she'd open up again so that we could talk like civilized adults.. instead of being so guarded against eachother.. It's pretty silly when you consider how close we were in our marriage.. and how we don't even have that anymore.

Good night's sleep typically does the trick.. I, unfortunately didn't get one last night.. lots of rollercoaster stuff still going on in the head.. but there's always Christmas to look forward to.. getting close, and it's going to be a GREAT one with DD and DS.

As for your sort of Plan B.. probably best if you still want to react to him angrily.. It's difficult to forgive someone that does not seek it.. not that he probably doesn't want it from you.. but pride is almost as damaging as dishonesty.

Morning James...

Yes, I still want to react to some of the comments that he makes...like the other day in an email he said that to stop telling him what to do that I gave up that right...

I had to think about my reply carefully, I said: I didn't, if you reread the TM I asked, I said PLS...and I never had that right!"

I didn't get any response from him in his next email about it, only replied with the kid stuff...

This is where I get to the point that I wish he would hit his bottom...wanting THAT consequence to happen...I know and see the other consequences occuring...about to occur...he's lose the kids, his home, me, had to give me a load of money, and that will be happening again soon...

But what I pray for is his bottom...more than anything...not really for me...for the kids...

last night, YS was sitting at the table and he took responsible for something that he did and I told him that I was proud of him, that it takes a big man to say that he made a mistake and say that he's sorry...

YS said: "Like Dad who cheated didn't" I said "yea, kind of!"

I didn't know what esle to say, so I left it alone...this is twice in the last week he has said something about his cheating Dad...the last time we were with my Spon. and her H at Celebration in the Oaks in New Orleans and YS simply stated that his dad's a cheater!

I KNEW that OS got it, but now I'm starting to see that YS gets it too...I was a little surprised both times but it didn't kick me in the gut...b/c he stated it so matter of fact...no hurt feelings...no crying, I wish dad was here, nothing like that...

I don't think I know what to think about it still...these kids have adjust extremely well to the sitch and I've gotten plenty of compliments stating that...


POWs said once when I was still home that his pride got in the way...i didn't understand this and asked him to explain but I didn't get an answer...he said several times that he was sorry too, but said you're sorry without ending contact was a waste of breathe as far as I'm concerned...

perhaps down the road one day, he'll have the courage...who knows...I know that his dad remains a serial cheater...spend 25 years with POWS' mother...cheated the whole time...mother tried to hide what was going on from the kids...Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh?

As far as you and WW, it will get better, mostly I've been in Plan B b/c of the DV...it's war as far as I'm concerned...first it was a custody war...and now it's a money war...I feel that once things are said and done then I can deal with him MUCH better than I do now...he's trying to protect himself and I'm trying to protect me and the kids...

I truely think that once this stuff is out of the way then we will be better able to communicate with each other...I hope that this is the case with you too...but right now, you are the enemy trying to get the kids in her eyes...

Well, I had a nice email from POWS this morning!

So I wrote him back, filled him in on the testing that I had done at the end of last school year to identify OS's problem, rule out learning disabilities...explained about Leap tutoring...what exactly he was doing in school that got him punished in the first place...

Then I forgot to add YS in there, so I wrote a second email about how well he was doing in school!

As long as we keep it to the kids, I'm great! I can't talk to him about ANYTHING else...not right now and besides I think that HE would have to bring it up!

Rin,

Bet ya know what I'm gonna say, don't you? I am glad to hear that you are OK with the communication about the boys,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but exercise CAUTION dear. Lots of Caution.

You are opening that door and you are doing well with it so far,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but you know what is likely to happen at any second so just be prepared, OK?

I just don't want you taking a nose dive because you didn't prepare yourself.

Yes,, I hope that good, solid, communication on behalf of the boys continues - it would be good for all concerned IF, and as long as it remains only about the boys and IF it remains positive.

My setting out the hazard cones here is all outta love ya know??

I'm trying hard BUGS...I follow you...not like I want that pain and heachache again!

ANd I know that's the thing about codependency...I'm addicted to the Addict! For my own sanity I have to... I HAVE TO be careful...

Yesterday I thought alot about the lies and I think that I have to remind myself OFTEN about ALL the damage that he has caused and has appears to be completely remorselessly!

So far the conversation have strictly been about the kids...and we've talked about one bill...

If I'm not mistaken, there's no need to prove to him who I've become...there's no purpose for it...I'm not the person he "Thought" I was to begin with...the one he accussed of not taking care of him...not cooking for him...I'm certainly NOT that person that he created in his mind under the illusion of his fantasy...

There's no need to prove it b/c I know WHO I AM and that matters...of course, it would be nice for him to acknowledge, but that's only b/c I would love for him to admit that he was wrong...but like James said I think that POWS' pride will be in the way for a long time...

Doesn't matter that he's lost his home, his kids, and his wife...reduced to living in a camper...I don't think that OW is apart of the picture these days but that's neither here nor there...

ANd I guess today I AM in a place that I would allow him back in BUT THERE WOULD BE ALOT OF CONDITIONS:
MC, NC, and I don't know what else...like I said neither here nor there b/c he's not in that place...

AH, BUGS, this whole thing sucks...as you all well know...I just have to stay on the path that I am...me with the kids and I's best interest at hand...I -KNOW- (Thanks, James, I like the way you do that!) this...

My head's running the show and has been for some time but I hear my heart's still there in the background talking to me but I can't afford to listen can I? Not on this subject...

Am I alone in this? THe way I'm thinking about the whole sitch...the way I figure it is I can't afford another hole in my heart and I'm protecting myself...there's definitely a wall built but it's only for him...

BUGS, I wouldn't take your hazard cones -ANY- other way...I would have in the past, but not today...I know only b/c you care so much and we've walked a long, difficult road together...I'm grateful...that today I have friends who are willing to look out for me...

BTW, I wouldn't mind if you, MOF, would love your email address...mine is in my Bio...

Have a wonderful day!

Rin

Mornin Rin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />,

Smile and thank the Lord today, for it's another one you woke up breathin His air, and enjoying His blessings all around you.


You're not alone at all in thinking this way. You said you would have him back but there would be boundaries. You said CONDITIONS.. but you and I both know they are not conditions.. your love for him is unconditional, how could it be otherwise if you still continue to love him after all he has done unremorsefully.. unrepentantly. In truth you have BOUNDARIES. Boundaries are so much easier to accept than 'conditions'... conditions imply 'if you do this I'll do that'... boundaries are something you've established not only to protect yourself.. but to ultimately protect POWS and your marriage to him.. should he choose it. It is a noble, and strong thing you've done to establish those things, and it shows love and care for your family and the things you hold dear.

I'm just now LEARNING this.. took me long enough huh?


You aren't alone on this either.. you don't have to dig too far back on Bugsy or SDGuy's thread to see what happens when you stick your head out of the foxhole of your Plan B.. you start getting shot at again.. and sometimes you take a hit.. might be a flesh wound.. might be something serious.. but you take that chance when you stick your head up to see what's going on. That's why Bugsy is concerned enough to set out those warning cones... I think we all share the same concern because having come to know you (at least as much as anyone can in this medium) we've come to care.

I think that's the biggest benefit of this site.. knowing that there's someone out there.. even several someones that wouldn't know you on the street from Adam.. but care enough to pray for you.. want the best for you.. and try their best to help you through your struggles.

Bugs is right.. there's a lot of angels on this board.. maybe that's over the top.. I've also heard it said this way: There's only so many angels in Heaven for God to use for His purposes.. so sometimes He sends regular people.

fully agree with James on this as I just had my own experience this past Monday night. I need to update my thread with that.

James...Ah, yes, that's the word that I should have used...BOUNDARIES...

i feel like I'm wishy washy on the subject...sometimes I think yea, I would take him back IF he was in the right place...then other times, i think there's NO WAY, I would allow him back into my life in the same capasity that he once was...my DH...too much water under the bridge...

I -DO- know this...I'll be fine...better than fine...i'm still learning to meet my fears and branch out...my upcoming trip to this Bowl game is showing me that...there's alot of fear in it for me...LOL...still doing it b/c I have alot of excitment about teh whole darn trip and I've always wanted to travel...so through airports...be the business woman...kind of thing...

This D is allowing me to do that in a way and I hope to do more traveling...I think once I get this first trip out of the way...you know doing it on my own...then the future will be easier...plus I may be throwing in a little business while I'm there...still talking about that...trying to -fit- it in...we'll see, if not, oh, well!

Also, I'm such that you guys can relate too...having had the contact that I have had with him, I want more and have to say "No, that's not in your best interest!" So, it's like going through withdrawal -ALL- over again...having to restrain myself from wanting to call or write...

Going through this process, I can -SEE- the WS stuff...at least I have the knowledge to back it up...to -KNOW- where I am and be able to deal with it...not to mention, -THE SUPPORT-!!!!

E...yes, you need to do this...are you reaching out for support when you need it, or are you still being careful on the site? just a little sister, looking out!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Okay...finally got my consent judgement and joint custody papers in...they were filed with the court on Dec. 7th...

And we went to court when? Sept 14th!!!! There's two things that I noticed...one, POWS owes me a whole 51 cents more each month and two that he still hadn't paid me the $150 for a bill that I'm suppose to have after he pays me that...so I guess I need to ask about that...

I was a little surprised that they were mailed, up until now, I've picked up every thing at the office...so it caught me a little off guard...

But everything's there...in black and white...everything that POWS said was going to happen DIDN'T and everything I told him would right after D-day did...9 months to get all of that done! 9 months...the hardest part...

I feel as if I can almost breath a sigh of relief...almost...not sure what's stopping me...

So what's left to do Rin? Property stuff?

Are you doing mediation or are you submitting your positions and letting a judge make recommendations/decisions?

Only property stuff left...no mediation or anything like that here...

Just property...kids are mine...perhaps I haven't given myself permission yet or I need for it to sink in...

Oh, I read over the stuff again and they just dropped the change so CS would be two equal payments a month...

Perhaps the stress of my car is not allowing me to breathe easy...I'm so feed up with it! I really -NEED- a new one and I can't do jack right now! I'm even afriad to find out -what- exactly is wrong with it...I have read that the manufacturer didn't exactly think this one out very well...

Ahh... well, if it's just property stuff.. it's material goods and that can be replaced.

Maybe just let yourself get settled with everything and then take a deep breath.. let it out.. and know that you've won the important stuff.

It's still pretty fresh if you just got the mail today.. give it a little bit and then draw yourself a nice hot bath and let that stress go.. I know if it were me, I'd be ready to melt with relief.

OOOOOOw....that's a WONDERFUL idea...i can turn on the jets...yea, I think I will do that...romance myself since the boys will be with POWS this weekend...

James, I DID win the most important stuff, you are right there! AND I HAVE been replacing since I left b/c he left us the broken stuff...broken lawnmower, broken weedeater...I have to fix my bed (two carriage bolts -SHOULD- do it), broken CD player...you name it...

i've been slowly replacing my tools...still have used my air compressor guys!!! I have used the pressure washer...my mechanic set to replace my battery in my car...and most of the other things I purchased...

james, he didn't even leave a screw or washer!!! That's sad...it was done to hurt me...i'm the (like E calls me) JILL OF ALL TRADES...

i'll get another table saw...all those other things...

it's definitely my car...i can't figure it out...I've changed what i thought it was...still dies when I start it, have to start it again and then it's fine...fuel filter, sensor...

Then there's the power steering, well, that's what I think it is, and that's not good...maybe the gear box...whatever the case it sucks...and being it's Christmas I don't have the money to fix it...the gear box...if that's it, parts alone will run 3 or 4 hundred...

I just have to pray that it keeps running and We will be fine!!