Typically in cars made within the last 10 years or so you can have it do a self diagnostic to determine if anything the 'sensors' can pick up is at issue.

Typically you can turn the key to ON, OFF, ON, OFF, ON and if there's a digital message window somewhere in the car it should display error codes which you can look up online.

Otherwise, lots of auto parts stores now have free diagnostic services that can identify problems.. not sure how helpful that is but it's something I've picked up over the years and used to my advantage. I'm a programmer, not a mechanic <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Enjoy yourself.. treat yourself well this weekend.. that's what the weekends w/o the kids are for.. get comfy, close your eyes, and picture yourself in some exotic place for a while.

Well I'll run by the auto parts store...and get them to check it this afternoon since I won't have the boys...I tried the on, off thing...and I had a few lights come up...oil, temp, check engine soon, and battery...

I checked the oil, it's fine...even had a co-worker come out there with me...don't you know -IT-wouldn't died...LOL...always the case...he said she sounded fine too, but she doesn't to me...not when I rev the engine...it's like it's losing power...ituse to rev at a higher RMP then it is not...

like there's some kind of stress on the engine...I can only conclude that it has to do something with the air/fuel mixture...just my thinking anyway...

Well, enough shop talk...i need to get some things done here, but -I WILL- go have them check it out for me...

Thank james!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Alright James...I talked to a mechanic online for 9 bucks...I'd have to got to the dealership and get the test run there becuase there's no check engine light on...they COULD run the test at the auto parts store and come up with a wild card...on the codes that it...

I've done some checking on it...there's a few things that I need to check out from talking with him...I know that you are not a mechanic but I felt I'd tell you about it anyway...

First it the power steering fluid -WHICH- with my car, is not an easy task...second...my other problem COULD be a strict exhaust...thus the drop in power and my thinking that the engine is not running right...

Anyway, I won't go into complete detail but it does remind me that I have to call my dad and thank him for all those times when me nose was buried in whatever he was doing...like the time my Stepmom cracked the block on her car and I helped dad tear the engine apart...

i'll never forget that! LOL Boy the good ole days...course...If I go over, i'm -STILL- right there with ym nose buried in whatever he's doing!! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alright James, for piece of mind...I went to Autozone anyway...ran the test...NO CODES...sucks huh?

But I'm doing some research and I got another idea...I'm going to figure this thing out yet and get something done about it...

OH, FOUND WHERE YOU ADD POWER STEERING FLUID!!! I really don't like the way cars are built today...about forearm's lenght down behind the alternator...WTF????

Anyway...I might treat myself to Starbucks later, since my mom was nice enough to give me a gift card...

As far as getting the papers today, I'm kool with that...it's definitely the stress and anxiety of dealing with this car...I could have a crack in the intake manifold for all I know...

It's just bad timing...

What kind of programmer are you, if you don't mind me asking?

Well, It's been a long day!!!

I think I fixed the Power Steering Problem...FLUID!!!No Noise on the test drive, so I'll watch that!

I cut the grass this morning with the intension of putting the trampoline together...of course, you cut grass, tehn you ahve to weedWHACK, then blow everything off...

Then I had to fix the Christmas lights on the house...well, I put them back where they were, I should said I didn't repair the ones that were out, so REDNECK WOMAN IN THE HOUSE>..I promise they will not be up all year...

Then I got the hankering to put some more out...I stopped last time and just said I didn't feel like it, but today I did...

I was exhausted so I took a nap b/f the Christmas party...OH, HN2 smiled and waved from across the street today...I was shocked, but I did wave back and say HI...I can handle a R with her like that...works for me...

So I napped, made my party platter, showered and headed to teh party...it was over at 8:30...I had plans for after, but they fell throw, so I HAD to warm up! 80 degrees today and tonight FREEZING!!! Stopped my Starbucks, hung out at Booksamillion, reading about teh new 08 Shelby!!! AWE!!!not just the GT but the GT500KR...dup of the 68'...SO FINEEEE!!

OMG, what a car!!!

Okay, on to the deep stuff...today HAS been a good day...I was really not looking forward to it but it went fine...I was working on the Christmas lights and thoughts about my Gpa...and was okay...

Then, there was a meeting tonight after teh party, (I got a beautiful gift...that's for a jac. tub, candle light night) and I chose to speak up...I teared up but I did great...I talked about the symbolism with ym M and the final DV day...how he was my religious foundation, and how I felt that if I had to lose both him and my M to find my spirituality that I had gained so much more from it...

So I got to speak up in front of a ROOM FULL of people tonight...

It's not a great sadness that I feel, but a lose...I guess all grieve is not intense...and I think that it's not intense for me because I would tell him from time to time after I graduated college how much he meant to me and how grateful I was for all that he had done...

Then after the stroke, i went to stay with him overnight, drove three hours to be there, so my grandma got some rest that nice...it was hard, seeing him that way...no being able to talk, or drink, or do anything for himself...mind completely intact...in the middle of the night, I was up and he woke up...I was doing a puzzle or something, so I started talking to him about it...finally worked up my nerve without crying to tell him that if he was ready to go that I would be okay with that...THAT was really hard...and once again thanked him for everything...

I felt like I couldn't get my point across to him, of just how much grateful I was to/for him...I felt like I could never repay that debt...he always accepted me...and I had more respect and love for him than anyone in my life...

So, I got to say my goodbyes in a way...the next time I went back was for the funeral about a month later...that was the greatest honor I have ever had...to be able to carry him to his final resting place...I visited him the last time I went but I think I'm overdue for a trip...

So, I have done my grieving for the day...I thank you all for your support...

It's been an extremely long day...I think the best thing for me to do at this moment is get some rest...for tomorrow is a new day and I have a trampoline to put together!!! lol

Thank you for sharing that story.

I'm so glad you got a chance to memorialize your gpa to that group of people. And you got the chance to "send living flowers" to him before he passed-even if you don't think you got your point across. He knew. That's so much better than sending flowers after it's too late to talk.

You carry on his legacy in your faith and strength.

HEY, JT...I've been a little teary eyed this weekend...I read your post and the first thing I thougth was "Living Flowers"...What on earth does she means? LOL....I've actually read it several times since you posted it but I "got it" this time and I teared you...

You are very right!

OT, I was trying to out the boy's trampoline together by myself and I couldn't...So I reluctantly TMed POWS and said "I REALLY hate to ask but I need help putting the boy's trampoline together." He replied but I didn't understand what he was asking, so I called...and he agreed said that he would come by earlier...I explained that one of the conditions of getting it was that the boys had to help me put it together, but it required three qrown size adults to do it...

I'm not sure want time he got here...I was working on my car...cleaning some carbor from the intake areas...we all went right to work and it was getting dark so I asked him if he wanted some coffee and he said please...

YS wanted some hot chocolate so the two of us came in and did our thing while OS and POWS worked outside...

I was guarded, even asked a friend to call me during the time that he was here just to check on me...another friend called and I was feeling okay about being around him...

When the coffee was done, I invited him into the kitchen and I had no plans of him going any further, this to me was my comfort zone...impersonal in a way...the living room would have been a way to get comfortable and I wasn't ready for that...

We warmed up, drank our coffee and went back to work...we all laughed a few times at something that YS or OS did...then of course, at trying to get all of the bands around the trampoline...it's springless...we didn't finish the whole thing...the padding still needs to be done and the enclosure...but it was dark and getting colder...so we came inside for another cup of coffee...

We talked mostly about the kids at first...then POWS said that I was going to be surprised but he cleans up after himself now...I said that was absolutely amazing!!! Somewhere in the conversation he apologized for all the times that he "b1t@hed at me" about money and said I would also be surprised that he actually works off of a budget now...

I said "Now, see I thought it would take you a lot longer to grow up!" He said that he has a lot of time to think now...he talked about his job and admitted that now he sees where I was coming from on how mentally draining my job was/is...

I also had been debating on whether or not to give him that CHristmas card I mentioned, the one that said "Thank you for the time we shared. I'm sorry for any hurt that I caused you. Merry Christmas and Happy New year's!" I gave it to him and he Thanked me...I said that's my Christmas present to you...

WEll, he told the boy's to go take a bath and YS asked if he was leaving, POWS said I'll tell you what I won't leave until after you get out of the tub...

They played around until I went in there to check on them, which from the kitchen I could see what they were doing...POWS didn't move from teh stool the entire time...he did a great job of respecting "my space"...

I actually had to watch myself from interrupting him when he spoke...I have a bad habit of that...we talked a little bit about everything including the new 08' shelby that I was reading about last night...POWS said he was just tlaking to someone the other day about me...it was having to do with me being mechanically inclined...

POWS also admitted that he didn't spend enough time with the boys and me, that when we was off from work there was so many things that "he" wanted to cram in that he didn't allow time for them...then he said "or you for that matter!"

I said now you see the things that I was complaining about!"

I still heard when he spoke the grandiose stuff but I let it slide, chalked it up to how important is it and plain and simply...that's what he needs to be him...

I found myself not holding my tongue speaking up without even thinking about what he would think if I said this or that...I felt comfortable enough to even say that I was co-dependent and that I always thought that my childhood didn't effect me but it did and that was my part...that there was a lot of times that I didn't want to do something but I didn't stand up for myself...he said that I would be fine...

It's like I saw and was hearing respect towards ME from him...

I guess it hurts to admit that to him, or say that out loud and not in writing because I teared up, but looked away from him and took a deep breathe, and gathered my composure...

No it didn't hurt...it was that I was allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of him that was hard...

Anyway, the kids got dressed, hugged their dad and I walked him outside...we talked about him coming back to finish up, but we didn't set a time or date...I did joke with him about growing a few times and he laughed...we actually laughed quite a few times tonight...

Outside the door, POWS went for a hug and TBH I kind of needed one...it didn't have to be from him...and he said that he enjoyed his time and I said that I did too...

During the coversation I did invite him to spend Christmas morning with us...if he didn't have any plans and he said that he didn't...he said that he would enjoy that alot...so I think that he will be here but I'm not sure...

I'm really at a place b/c his words haven't matched his actions for so long, that it's one of those I'll believe it when I see it things...EVERYTHING, from him coming back to help with the trampoline to Christmas morning...

I think that I'm finally in a place where I'm not judging him, just accepting what is or who he is at that moment in time...

I can't say that I feel love for him, or anythign else right now...I just hear him admitting to his mistakes, owning them, apologizing and knwoing that this is the man who blamed, blamed, blamed...ME!! I didn't hear that not one time tonight...

Oh, I did say that the last week that I had been doing alot of reflection on my Gpa and my M...I did tell him that my Gpa was my spiritual foundation, I teared up here too but that wasn't about being vulnerable, that was about me grieving...and that if I have to lose him and my M at teh same time to have a better relationship with God then I had gained so much more...he looked at me, with this sincere look on his face and said That's good!

Come to find out the church that I took my D-care class through he has attended several times...we have been skirting around each other in this town...

OH, something big here...I said at one point, for someone who was always told that I would never me happy, I find myself awfully happy these days...

So there you have it...I'm not stopping the D, MOF, from my POV NOTHING has changed...tonight was good but I'm not ANYWHERE close to thinking about what it would take to Recon...I'm happy that he has had time to think and has figured out the thigns that he has...good for him...

It was just a good day...and POWS was involved in part of that!

WEll, One lesson learned tonight: DON'T DRINK SO MUCH COFFEE IN THE EVENING!

LOL

I'm really looking forward to hearing what you all have to say...

I can't really say whether my DH showed up or not...part of me wants to say that but part of me really wants to say that I was seeing a different person...regardless one thing's clear...after having replayed the events in my mind...there's was definitely respect displayed on his part...and I believe on mine also...

I did hear a lot on honesty there also...he admitted to living at the camper on and off...that was a first, prior he swore up and down he was living there...

I also talked about how I was ready to get teh property settlement over and done with...come to think about it he didn't say to much about that...but did ask what the balances were things...

Well, let me try to go back to sleep...I have my favorite song stuck in my head tonight...Stay by Sugarland which I happen to share with POWS during his visit...I recently downloaded it as my ringtone...after a discussion with Wildhorses about it on SdGuy's thread...

I know that song is probably a trigger for some people being that the OW is singing it, but when I heard it I hear the DW singing it...I hear and refer to it like this: It's my story, how I was weak in the beginning begging him to Stay, not to go to the OW and then I gathered my strength and told him to Stay b/c he couldn't give me what I need...I don't have to live this way, so he might as well Stay!

Just my thinking!

Looking forward to hearing all thoughts...knowing that anything expressed is out of care and concern...

Rin,

Well my dear, I just don't know what to say. Based on this,,



And add in the rest of your post, then I say Congrats! Sounds all good to me.

As Long As,,, you continue to be cautious. As long as you are doing ok with it all, then you know I'm behind you 100%.

You seem to have no expectations and that you are not setting yourself up for hurt or disappointment. You were able to state your truths and to be honest with yourself and POWS. HE acted decent. So, it's all good.

Have a great day!

Rin!

Oh how I'd love to have that kind of little victory.. so long as he isn't just flapping his lips and is sincere about accepting responsibility for his share.. I'd say it was at least a small victory here.

I'm glad to see you are keeping your expectations low.. let him push at this point. I wouldn't persue him to come 'finish the job' on the trampoline... give him a few days perhaps and if he doesn't initiate it, just finish it yourself if you don't really need him to do it. The strong, independent, moving forward Rin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you feel good about it, then chalk this one up to success. No expectations.. you've already got a taste of what a lot of us would love to hear from our WS.

Morning! Bugs, I think you nailed it...there's no expectations on my part and that's why it made/makes it easy...

I have reserved myself to this Divorce...it's just a fact...MOF, I said something to him about being a single mom and having to watch what I spend...it sounded funny to say that to him but I was okay with it...i think that's when he mentioned his budget...

James, I guess I can caulk it up to a little victory, like you said -IF- he's not blowing hot air...I think the thing we had to remember is that when the addict speak at that moment in time, they are sincere...I think alot of people refer to that as the fog lifting, if only for that moment in time...

I think that this was true prior to me leaving also...POWS knew what he needed to do, but wasn't able...thus the addiction...the -need- to do what they think that they need to do...

I think that I can caulk it up more to staying true to myself, speaking...all O&H...no DJ's, AO, or SD...funny I just mentioned wanting to attack him last week but it was so easy not too being around him...I didn't feel that urge...

I was very aware of WOWing myself...I don't know where this is going to go with him and TBH, I don't even want to think about recovery...that's alot of pressure...getting your hopes up...I think if anything we would have to start from scratch and work to be friends first and I'm not even sure that I want that at this point in time...

I have plans after getting off of work to work on the rest of the stuff to finish the trampoline...he's aware of the days that I have time and which I do not...my phone rings just like his...

And like you said James it's his time to work the program...personally I feel that I have done the footwork...I tried to save my M...it's not up to me any longer...and the great part...there's no shame in saying that I did the best I could with the time that I had...

He even admitted not being so short temptered anymore since he moved jobs...he was working 70/80 hours a week with his other position...he talked about it and how much better it is for him...I said that he had a lot of fear before I left with his job and handling responsiblity...he agreed and said that he was getting better before I left...

I even told him that I was p1ssed at him when I first heard that he had got the job stating "Oh, NOW, he decided to move up!" He laughed...

I was talking to a friend last night and they said that it sounded like our interaction was how it was suppose to go...that it seems that I had removed my filter...I didn't really understand that and had to ask for clarity...

But it's true as a child I was always told to think before you speak...so I filtered everything, wondering if what kind of reaction I was going to get and decided if it was bad then I held my tongue...I didn't hold my tongue, his reaction was his reaction, if he had one...his to own, not mine...

And as humans we tend to go to the negative...and as a woman, LOL, we tend to internalize things...

SOOOO, I'm pretty darn proud of my interaction with POWS...kind of funny, this April will mark two years from D-day...like so many other BS, I'm sitting back and waiting and watching to see how things are going to turn out for him...losing your nice comfy life is a hard consequence to take as a result of poor choices...

Rin, I've almost said it before several times, but didn't. After reading about your interaction this weekend, I think I'll say it now. I don't believe that you are DONE with POWS. I read it in your writings about and interactions with him. And that's okay. As long as you have your eyes wide open. You are NOT the same person you were when you left. You have grown in leaps and bounds. POWS has not.

Please do not let POWS words alone deceive you. Judge him by his actions. As for the D, I say stay on track. You've come too far and worked through too much pain to go backwards. If POWS wants to step up to the plate, then let him... slowly... after the D.

You have the rest of your life to be happy.

PM, you're not the only one who has said that but in all honesty I don't "get it!"

I don't understand what that means, I'm not "DONE" with him...

As far as his words, he's got a long road to pave I got hurt too many times b/c I chose to believe what he said, even when his actions didn't match up...hard lessons to learn...

I really think that I feel indifference towards him right now...

that's not what comes across in your posts.

Really? Hum...something to think about!

Well, I saw that you would like my input on your sitch from your post on the old Killer Bee's thread (lord knows why woman, you could do better than me!)

so, here goes.

I agree with Princessmeggy, you are not done; there is no indifference in your posts. There is guarded confusion.

Just do your thing, lady, and keep protecting yourself. Get those I's dotted and those T's crossed. Get the property settlement done, and take care of logistics. Let POWS come to you. You made an offer for Christmas, which was VERY gracious of you. You are letting quite a bit of that guard down, so be cautious.

Also, be cautious that you don't confuse your kids, too. They need stability. They do need their daddy, but that's his job, not YOURS. Don't dive in head first, Rin. Dip that toe in, then just dangle your legs in the water for a bit.

If all that comes out of this is a better co-parenting relationship, so be it, but I READ more behind it. You share children with this man, and some good memories, and STILL a M. Keep climbing, don't turn back to old habits and relationships.

You were shown respect because you COMMAND respect, so keep that up. Head UP, shoulders BACK, and keep marching to the beat of YOUR OWN drummer.

I don't feel confused...perhaps it's just detachment...I had to look up the definition for indifference...

Guess I'm giving off something I'm not seeing on that one...


I have no problem with completing this D...mof, I figured out how I want to held asking in the settlement for 529 account for the boys and what I would like to see put into them...next I have to figure retirement...

Can I get some clarification on the I'm not done yet?

B/c in my mind's eye this is developing a co-parenting relationship with him...oh, unless you're talking about there are things that I need to say to him in order to move on with my life...which don't include him in my thinking...

Rin, I thought I'd clarify what I meant since I was the one who said I didn't think you were DONE. Reading your posts lately, added with the quote above, it seems like you do have the thought of recovery on your mind. If you were DONE, there would be NO entertaining even the thought of recovery. You would be ADAMENT about it. You said yourself above that you weren't SURE that's what you want. See the difference?

But Rin, this is your life and if recovery with POWS is what you want eventually there is no shame in that. It's possible for someone to change. Heck, I've seen it IRL. I'm just saying be very careful. You've accomplished so much.

And I forget who said it, but they were right. Your boys are watching and learning too. I think they've seen a mom of strength and character pull herself up in a nearly impossible situation.

We're just looking out for you. We're kind of protective when it comes to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's just the timing, I think. It makes many suspicious. The holidays tend to make both the BS and WS long for some of what was. I did catch this in your thread a few posts back




Maybe this is where we are all getting that you are not DONE. If you were, this wouldn't even occur to you, or you would be more sure of yourself.

There's nothing WRONG with still having feelings for your DH. I think people are just pointing this out to you, so that you can be aware and vigilent in NOT letting a WAYWARD back into YOUR life. If it's just the boys that you discuss, that's co-parenting. If it's the two of you (which you did talk about), that's different, MORE. It wasn't necessarily about your M, but about personal stuff that you are going thru, even if it was only bits and pieces, it was more than idle chit chat.

Just pointing that out. This could set you up to witness much more disappointment than you would if you stayed in Plan B.

I dunno, it's a personal choice that we all must make at some point.

Wow...thanks guys...I really appreicate that...you know I've read over my posts and didn't see that...but YOu guys pull it out and I -really- see that...

I'm wishy washy on the subject...some days yes, some days no...

OKay...hmmmm... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />