Rin:

With your history with POWS, and the long and troubled past that was, in most of it, you were treated to alot of disrespect.

In the last two years, since dday, you have walked away from that life.

You have earned your own respect.

And POWS sits in AWE of it.

Your weakness's has always been exploited by him, and with this new position of strengh that you have, he is less likely to ever be able to.

But like the proverbial lock on the barn door, he KNOWS the combination. And, just like when you two FIRST got together, he learned that combo, and he can still dial it up. Which gets you to not being "DONE"

You will be "DONE" when he can no longer dial that combination. As furiously as he tries to, he can NOT unlock you anymore. I call it the indifference bank. There is no Love Bank, only indifference.

You can CHOOSE your level of involvment with him. But always keep in mind, that he wants to dial that combo again in you.

So, a pleasant afternoon at your home, with him seemingly contrite, is just that. A Seemingly pleasant afternoon. Letting him off that stool will be the first step in him thinking that he can dial your combo again.

HE Needs to earn that right to dial your combo again. With a number of additional contrite moments. Treating you with respect in your EVERY interaction. And your seeing a TRUE change in his behaviors and actions. Until then, maybe he's just in it for the CS reduction, etc.

And maybe he just needs to treat you with the respect that you deserve after all these years. And you still don't let him anywhere near the combination. Because its different NOW.

Because you are different now.

((((RIN)))

LG

Hey.. there's no stigma attached to not being 'done' Rin.

Most of us here aren't 'done'.. otherwise why would we need to be here seeking advice and support rather than only giving it?

Don't take all this as piling on though.. I think there's just some concern there for our friend Rin sticking her head out of the foxhole <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, I talked about how it felt for me to be elected to the board, being a newbie, and what a wonderful feeling that was...how honored I was...


I got that...I -KNOW- how to do that one now...Lord knows how many times I had to repeat that process...and the only thing I have right now, is POWs not goign to his Christmas party...he chose to be with the kids instead...skipping it...I knew that he didn't go before he mentioned it...

I -KNOW- how much lip service I have gotten from him...he's great at mupinulating the sitch to get want he wants...and I'm going to keep that thinking unless I see otherwise...

I know this too, I have worked to hard to go back in the other direction...good things have happen to see despite his efforts and I plan to keep it that way...

I like haivng my own time to do the things that I want to do...I like having time away from the kids...I like being able to paint the darn wall whatever color I want...

i like not having to watch my back and take care of his stuff...clean up the mess that he's created...STEP UP TO THE PLATE!!!!! If he tries I hope that he's done his stretching first b/c that's a might high step...

Look guys, I'm extremely grateful for the warning cones...in the past, I wanted to believe that he changed or was going to follow through with what he said, in essence -I- hurt myself many times over...denial!! it's that what it's called...ah!

I cna't go back to that...to that person that he thought I was when we met in college...

I'm going to continue to go on with my life as if yesterday evening didn't even happen...

SL, you know, I've been notorious for counting my chics before that hack...once I wanted to believe, now I have to be "made" to believe...

it's like lizzie's sitch...she was done...then he came back and she didn't know if she wanted to do the work involved...still in recovery today...but I'm at that point and the only thing that's going to do it for me is to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground, and my head out of the clouds...

LG, you are right, I get to chose the level of interaction that I have with POWS...did I mentioned that he says that he had thought of inviting me several times to certain places...I didn't response to that...let it go...like his Christmas party...I told him that he could have gone, all he had to do was call me and I would have taken the kids!

I just feel that I can't afford to "relax" around him...

Well, the kids and I finished the padding on the trampoline tonight...so that's one more part done and out of the way...

POWS TMed me and said that he would have to take a rain check...I replied K...and let it go...I wasn't expecting him to show up tonight anyway...

OS and I read over the directions on the enclosure...well, looked over them...doesn't appear to be anything that we can't handle...

It won't be done tomorrow night...the kids are going sleep at Spon.'s house...their going to go look at Christmas lights and then Wed. they will be baking cooking and stuff...they are really looking forward to that...

I'm trying to find something to do tomorrow night after our meeting...just to get out...oh, I got it...I made a new friend Sat. night at the christmas party we exchanged numbers and she might want to go get some coffee...Spon. introduced her to me...we have similar backgrounds...I'll try that...

AH, got my MP3 player in today for the airplane trip...this is a new gadget for me...I'm sure that I will enjoy playing with it and learning about it before the trip...

I don't think that I have ever had so many toys of my own...my tools, my CPU, my MP3, all mine...I have friends...there's so much that I wouldn't change about my life now...

When I said that I was wowing myself it was becuase I was speaking up and not thinking about what I was saying...And I practice that every time I go to a meeting...I speak up b/c I'm not afraid that someone is judging me..there's no feeling to wonder if I'm hurting...there's no reacting to deal with...it's freeing...and I spoke to him like I would have in a meeting...unashamed of anything that I was feeling...no worries whatsoever...

THAT is a victory for me...being able to speak freely to -HIM-...perhaps I'm not done...perhaps this is the last step to moving on...overcoming the last of my fears with him...building more confidence in myself...knowing that -I- can handle my own stuff, no matter who it is...

I remember some years ago, that POWS told me that I talked to much so I stopped talking...kept everything inside...today there's no much I don't talk about...

To go from fearing someone so much to being able to sit and have a conversation...to be in his presence and be okay with myself...to know that I can and will stand up for myself should I have too and when the time calls for it...THAT'S great accomplishments to me...

Perhaps there's something that I have to prove to myself...I can remember thinking off the years and having an attitude to the people that had done me wrong, that I was going to become someone/do something with my life to prove to them that no matter what they did to me, they were not going to keep me down...that I would rise above it all...

I'm not sure...

Okay, LG...I had to be honest with myself...I would take him back under the right conditions...but NOW it's not the time...I personally don't see that happening...

you know POWs and I would talk about IF something would happen to us...I always said that I wouldn't be with someone else b/c who knew maybe don't the line in 2 or 3 years we would get back together...we talked about this from time to time...

Now, I'm not going to put my life on hold and sit my the phone, holding my breathe, waiting for him to do his thing...

I'm certainly going on wiht my life...

I don't want him dialing that combination right now...-I- can't allow him to do that right now...I don't have time to play games with him...so here's my plan and please tell me what you thing...

-keep my distance-...plain and simply...

You know I tell the kids when it comes up, their dad's not a bad person, he's just made some really bad choices...

I know that I can't concentrate on him...I have to keep doing what I've been doing for me and the boys...

I don't know of a BS who wouldn't want a WS back that was new and improved...stepping up to the plate...my first choice...but I'm not holding my breathe for my first choice...

This is my opportunity to do what I need to do for me, learn about me, fix the cracks in my foundation so it's strong than it was...then I can remodel and rebuilt on the top...Cat 5 hurricane resistant...LOL...

I've been grieving not having my first choice, like so many..but I can't get stuck huh?

If I was done then I wouldn't be going through withdrawals huh?

Wouldn't want to try to contact him?

I'm not...

(((Rin)))

Ok.. you're getting shot at.. you're hearing the report but just aren't seeing the muzzle flash.

Can you handle the heat of the firefight with your head out of the foxhole?

Did you see the movement across on the other side that you -wanted- to see by sticking your head out?

Are they waving the white flag yet?

Just askin.. how hard is the struggle not to reach out to him at this point? Would it do any good you think, if you did?

The struggle is not all that hard...

I don't think thatit would do any good...like LG said he has to do his stuff now...

I'll be fine...I'm sure that I will!

Awesome.. then keep on keepin on!

Thanks James...

I've learned pretty well, not to act on certain emotions...

Sometimes it's harder than others...feeling still remains...

Guess I'm not DONE...like everyone said...

Good to know...at least I didn't got hit!

Okay, James I had to read your post over a few times....

I don't know if I saw what I wanted to see...from his actions...he's spending more time with the kids...GOOD THING!!!

He's not late on CS...another good thing...he's become more responsible financial...big thing in my book...same thing with the kids...

This was two MAJOR complains for me...

I don't know...I didn't do a plan b letter b/c that wasn't an option when I left...I wasn't going to take him back, plain and simple...

Hmm.. now that's interesting, I must have missed the lack of a PBL.

So essentially POWS doesn't have a roadmap home? Have you made your boundaries clear to him at any point? Do you think you have the strength to Plan A him if all this starts to add up again? Do you -want- that.. or are you just admitting that you're open to the possibility?

Either way, LG is right.. ball is in his court.. the difference may be how you play it.

No, he doesn't have a map back and no I haven't made any boundaries clear...

WEll, I was asking for NC before I left...I couldn't get it...it was down to once a month when I left...

Strenght to PLan A...hmm...you mention that and I wasn't trying to PLan A in my mind Sunday night, but I feel that's what I was doing b/c it went so well...

Before I left I didn't whant a D but there was no LSA in our state and this was the route that I had to take...

There was a point in time where taking him back wasn't an option...I didn't see how I could do that...there was/is certain things that I needed for him to change about himself but as far as he was concerned there was nothing wrong with him...

Now, he's admitting things...things he should have done different...things he didn't see at the time...he's moved up at work, he's spending time with the kids, OW(S) are no around, it's just them...he's getting his own meds., making his own appts., taking care fo his finances...

He's doing things that I begged him to do before but he refused...hence the comment I made to him about growing up...

I don't think that Christmas has anything to do with it for ME, but I think I'm opening up to the option...

I'm not the same person I was by -ANY- means and I can't be with the person that he was...-IF- there's been real change...-REAL- change then ok...I guess I am willing to try...

But I can't admit that to him...at least that the way I feel...why, b/c I'm protecting myself...I feel like I have to watch and see what's going on before I jump...just drip my toe in like SL said...

It all Boils down to trust...I don't trust him to be playing with me...so I think that I need to sit still, breathe, and watch from the middle deck to see what's going on...rather than the upper deck...perhaps in the future I can move closer to the 50 yard line...

Too many false recovery...if you can call them that...refused to give me a NC letter...I was controlling, blah, blah, blah...then the wall punching, book burning, tracking me down, breaking things...I felt like the next thing was him hitting me and that scared the [email]cr@p[/email] out of me and I wasn't sticking around for that...

At that time my fear of staying was worse than my fear of leaving...I think that he was running on his emotions at the time...didn't know what to do...

But what we were doing wasn't working either...refused MC...I just don't know if it's possible and I don't want to get my head shot off!

Making sense??? So I need to figure this out...perhaps I need to start a new thread...

Let the holiday season pass. Then wait two months then think about it then.

This time of year makes a lot of things look better then they really are.

We want to be around loved ones, we want to be the jewlery commercial on TV or the car commercial or heck any of the commercials.

POWS has exhibited a clear pattern of behavior that IMVHO is adverse to internal long lasting change.

So my advice, lay low let this time of year pass and see how you feel later.

Thanks Frog, I've missed you...

how's the DW and Kids? you?

I have been so busy I can barely keep up with your thread.

YOu are doing great just be careful there are always times that the old way looks good. Rose colored lonely holiday glasses.

WE are all doing good right now. Getting close with the baby. Job is great, kids are great. Life is pretty good.

Trying to deal with the after effects of how poorly things were handled.

I feel good because I now have a voice and I use it. No more codependant, enabler with conflict avoidance issues.

Thanks for asking. Just know I keep up I just don't have posting time.

That's very comforting...to know that you are around...

I can't settle for the old way...I want a new way...have from the beginning...

Good to hear that things are going well...I sincerely hope that you get a break soon...Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's if I don't get to hear from you again!

As far as having that voice...that's what surprised me soooo much about me this past Sunday with him...

Happy Holidays to you too Rin.

Just know you are making it and doing quite well.

Just remember the story of the Frog and the Scorpion and be cautious.

Time usually has a way of making things apparant.

I will indeed think of your story...and I completely agree with your time statement...

Not to mention, I AM doing well...I have JOY in my life now!!!

I love who I AM today! Some days it's just tough...

Good thing it was a Goddess day!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Wanted to get back to you on the changes you are seeing..

These are certainly positive things, and show an increased level of commitment to the children... which is GOOD..

While, I think it's positive.. I'm stil going to put out the warning cones that it may not have anything to do with how he feels about Rin or his marriage. Maybe someday it will.. but you're going to have to be the one to make the determination of whether to open that door.

I'm behind you and supporting you whatever you decide.